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Today is the day where Canada gives thanks to the maple leaf deities for giving them universal healthcare, clouds of weed smoke over Vancouver, Ryan Gosling's body, the letter U and Jane Child. So as Canadians nibble on their leftover weed stuffing, let's honor one turkey who probably won't be eaten anytime soon since he will beak a bitch in the froat if they come near him. A producer named Duffy Kelly from the local news went out into a Sacramento neighborhood to do a story on a cunturkey who has been terrorizing joggers and was completely surprised when said cunturkey terrorized her!

I'm using the word "terrorized" for melodramatic purposes, because Terrible Tom isn't really attacking anyone. He's just telling Duffy to get the fuck out of his wattle in so many gobbles. But he freaked Duffy out and she won't ever be back, so his job here is done. Or is it? On our Thanksgiving, I hope Duffy's family brings out the covered turkey platter and opens it to find Terrible Tom lounging on a bed of lettuce with a look in his beady eye like he's ready for round 2! To be cuntinued...

On that note, Happy Thanksgiving, Canada! And Happy Chris Columbus Day (the day of the year when we take off of work to watch Adventures in Babysitting together as a nation), Amurica!

via The Daily What

David Lee Roth (57)
Aimee Teegarden (22)
Marina and the Diamonds (26)
Chiaki Kuriyama (27)
Una Healy of The Saturdays (30)
Mya (32)
Jodi Lyn O'Keefe (33)
Dale Earnhardt Jr. (37)
Mario Lopez (38)
Brett Favre (42)
Bai Ling (45)
Wendi McLendon-Covey (42)
Rebecca Pidgeon (46)
Martin Kemp (50)
Jodi Benson (50)
Eric Martin of Mr. Big (51)
Simon Townshend (51)
Julia Sweeney (52)
Bradley Whitford (52)
Tanya Tucker (53)
Nora Roberts (61)
Jessica Harper (62)
Cyril Neville (63)
Ben Vereen (65)
Peter Coyote (70)

On what would've been John Lennon's 71st birthday, Paul McCartney threw himself into the marriage thing again by making the serious businesswoman daughter of a New Jersey shipping magnate (Daughter of a New Jersey Shipping Magnate should really be a band name) his third wife in London. 69-year-old Paul and 51-year-old Nancy Shevell said "until the cunt wrath of Heather Mills" does us part in front of guests including her cousin Barbara Walters and Ringo Starr at the Old Marylebone Town Hall, the same place where he married his first wife Linda in the 60s. Well, maybe he got married there again because they waived his marriage license fee since he's a returning customer.

Both Nancy and Paul wore outfits made by his daughter Stella McCartney. Paul and Heather's daughter Beatrice was the flower girl and he gave his new wife Nancy a fancy 5-carat diamond wedding band by Neil Lane. People says that after the wedding, everyone went back to Paul's mansion to slurp on vegan food as they nervously looked for Heather Mills to fly in on a broom that doubles as her other leg.

You know, Nancy and Paul look so happy that they could fart out heart-shaped clouds (and since they're eating vegan food, they probably will) and she has enough money to bathe in hundred dollar bills every night so I doubt she's putting her shovel under his fortune, but I just can't get into them. They are so damn boring! Nancy is the human equivalent of a Kate Middleton yawn. Just look at those shoes. Those shoes are straight out of the memaw of the bride collection at Payless. If Nancy was a toddler getting her First Communion, then wearing those shoes would've been okay.

I mean, if this was Heather Mills' wedding, she would've already karate-pegged a bitch for throwing petals instead of money and she definitely would've ripped off the head of a white to dove to pour its blood on the paparazzi. Those were the days. As boring as they are, I'm sure Nancy and Paul will last FOREVER! But mainly because Nancy is going to do whatever she can to NOT join Heather Mills in The Paul McCartney's Ex-Wives Club.

Jennifer Hudson got on the bad side of Michael Jackson's spirit by pulling out of his tribute concert due to "production problems" after collecting her check, and the audience ran to the exit out of fear when Xtina dropped to the stage looking like Jabba the Drunk Slutt that will suck, fuck and eat everything in its path, but the show was saved by the luminescent goddess angel that is LA TOYA JACKSON!

Looking like an X-ray that got exposed too soon, Detective La Toya got to the bottom of GLAMOUR and TALENT in Wales at last night's hot wreck of a Michael Jackson Tribute Concert which was less of a tribute concert and more of another way of making money off of Michael Jackson. But I'm not mad, because if it didn't happen then Toy Toy would've never covered the stage with layers of exquisite perfection as she hypnotized the eyes of thousands with her natural born talent while wearing a jacket with gigantic bedazzled butt plugs on the shoulders. Or maybe those were rhinestone-encrusted candy corn tops, which would explain why Xtina tried to mount one while licking on the other.

The Jackson children were also there last night and if you need an official review of this tribute concert, you'll find the best one in Blanket's side-eye.

Powerhouse, a highly educational TV show that aired in the pre-neon days of the 1980s on PBS. They showed the entire series on Nickelodeon a few years later and I completely forgot about this shit until Dlisted reader Starqz slipped it back into my brain. Powerhouse was about a group of kids at a community center in DC who solved mysteries and dealt with real world issues. It was some smart shit. If you really wanted to seem sophisticated, high class and beyond mature around your 2nd grade classmates, you'd tell them "Oh no, I watched Powerhouse instead..." when they'd ask you if you watched the last episode of Glo Friends while stuffing your jackets into your cubby holes before class. You could throw your little friends an up and down look of judgement as you said the title "Powerhouse. "

Here's a piece of Powerhouse (and there's a few more on YouTube) for you to watch if you really want to impress your co-workers when they ask you what you did over the weekend. They'll think you're really really REALLY smart and you'll definitely get a promotion!

PJ Harvey (42)
Jodelle Ferland (17)
Scotty McCreery (18)
Tyler James Williams (19)
Spencer Grammer (28)
Zachery Ty Bryan (30)
Brandon Routh (32)
Randy Spelling (33)
Nicky Byrne (33)
Sean Lennon (36)
Guillermo Del Toro (47)
Scott Bakula (57)
John O'Hurley (57)
Tony Shalhoub (58)
Sharon Osbourne (59)
Jackson Browne (63)
Nona Hendryx (67)
Fyvush Finkel (88)
John Lennon (1940-1980)

Staaaaaaand back and brace yourselves, because Xtina is definitely about ready to blow a thousand Nancy Grace farts, a category 5 queef or a vocal wail that sounds like a deaf cat in heat getting DPed while jumping on a trampoline during an earthquake. No, this isn't Dee Snider recreating Brit Brit's "Gimme More" VMAs performance for an Our Lady of Cheetos tribute. It's Xtina screaming her thirty layers of red lipstick off for the Michael Jackson tribute in Wales tonight. It's also a blond Snooki sharting out a load of tears over Jiiiiooooooooni leaving her all alone in Florence. I swear, if you printed out these pictures, blended them into powder and snorted them in one line, you'd be as drunk as Xtina's weave is mangy. A MESS! Like a chalupa in a wig!

This hot look would look so much hotter if Xtina accessorized it with Sugar Pie and a tattooed lesbian assistant with purple hair.

Oh look, it's a plastic horse's ass on a plastic horse's ass.

Seen here in Brooklyn today riding on a horse's back in front of the cameras instead of riding on horse dick in front of the cameras for a change, the head ho of Pimp Mama Kris' whore ring tells Australia's InStyle magazine (via Daily Mail) that she and her punching bag of dumb husband only filmed their commitment ceremony to Lucifer, because if she didn't she'd disappoint all of her "fans."

Kim didn't do it for the millions of dollars or because she can't squirt out a wet queef without a 5-person camera crew focused on her snatch. Nope, not at all. When InStyle asked Kim why she chose to televise her wedding, she barked at 4 assistants to spread her ass cheeks apart and she pushed this answer out of her bullshit hole:

"That was a really big discussion, we took weeks to decide if we were going to film it or not, but I felt like my fans - everyone that has gone on this journey with me, seeing different relationships that I've been in - would feel cheated if I didn't film it. It was something that Kris and I were okay with, and the beauty of it is we get to edit it. It [will be] great to look back at that and see this time in our lives."

Yes, I'm sure the really big, three-week long discussion went something like this:

E! Executive: We'll pay $13 million and we'll give you five hours of airtime.
People Editor: We'll give you $2.5 million for the pictures, Kim.
Pimp Mama Kris & Kim: DONE!
Kris: Err. You're Kim? I thought you were Kourtney. Heh, that's funny. Did anybody tell you that your mom looks like the dude from Three's Company? Oh, look the eyes on those 4 dudes on horses riding towards us are so sparkly. I like sparkly..."

No, I'm joking. The conversation didn't even last that long. Kim really needs to stop acting like she didn't have her morals surgically removed to make way for silicone butt bags filled with Satan's coagulated blood. Because in the Kuntrashian world (which the earth revolves around, obviously), first comes an offer from E!, then comes a check from People, then comes a contract from Kris Humphries signing away all right to profits of the sex tape that will leak a day before their divorced is announced, and then comes a completely staged marriage! That's the equation for love Kuntrashian-style.

Pop the barley wine and holler at John Travolta to put on his celebratin' chaps, because Scientology's sweetheart and the voice of Bart Simpson Nancy Cartwright still has a job and will be able to pay her monthly membership fees to worship at the altar of L. Ro. Tommy Girl doesn't need to send his goons to threaten Nancy that if she doesn't cough up the dough she'll sleep with the Thetans tonight.

The entire main cast of The Simpsons were in a negotiation war with FOX, because the network wanted to cut their salaries by 45% and refused to give them a cut of the profits. FOX said that due to falling ratings they just couldn't afford to produce episodes with the current budget. The cast, who reportedly made $8 million a season each, agreed to take a major pay cut but wanted a piece of the profits. They all pulled out their dicks and have been sword fighting for days and Entertainment Weekly reports that an agreement was reached yesterday.

FOX announced that the entire cast has signed on for two more seasons which means there will be new episodes of The Simpsons until 2014. It will celebrate its 25th season in 2014. Fox wouldn't say if the cast took a cut or is getting some of the profits, but Homer did say, "Woo Hoo! I outlasted Andy Rooney!”

Just like Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels and Phoebe Price's relevance, The Simpsons will last forever. This is a YES moment for me, because I finally got to use this stunning picture of Nancy Cartwright looking like one of Xenu's taint cysts that got plastic surgery to resemble Tina Yothers.

Which female pop star has been hiding a lesbian secret – particularly her obsession for busty strippers? The singer/songwriter was recently spotted at a Seattle-area strip club findling the sexy dancers and taking down their phone numbers! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Ke$hit terrorized Seattle last month and that Garbage Pail tramp has been known to put her dollars in a stripper's nipple hole (or whatever she's doing in that picture above), so she's the obvious guess. But what kind of professional titty shaker would give her number to Ke$ha?! If you want to catch a new kind of STD that not even the CDC has on file yet, just rub your bare cooch along a discarded street mattress. It'll be less painful and you probably won't cry at the bottom of a cold shower afterward.

This is one of my favorite blind items in awhile. Anyway, there is a manuscript that is floating around town that was written by a former almost A lister. I mean he was close. Starred in a set of franchise films but after those went by the wayside he has pretty much stayed with television. Been on two very big hit shows in the last few years, but probably just a B- lister and that is only because so many people would know our actor's name when you here it. In the manuscript our actor writes about how he and this almost A list television actress on a very hit network show who was a B lister back in the day when this happened, used massive amounts of cocaine and through cocaine is how he got our actress into some very kinky sex. Our actor was into watching our actress with other men. He wrote about how she did not want to do this but he used drugs and manipulation to get her to do this. He admits that he was not in his right mind while using and is regretful about his behavior back then and was very controlling of her but he didn't have a problem recounting the details in this manuscript.

Once our actor had a male acquaintance come over to our actor's New York apartment. They were coked up. Our actress came home and was upset with our actor about something he was supposed to do but he didn't. He couldn't recount what she was upset about. He talked our actress into sitting down with them and to snort some cocaine and calm down. Our actress was still mad at our actor and began flirting heavily with he friend. Our actor wrote that after a little while he looked up and our actress and the friend were kissing in front of him. The friend began kissing her neck while our actress stared at our actor. Both of them were turned on. Our actor describes that he watched in silence as our actress orally serviced the friend while she was still staring at our actor. The friend finished and left and our actor began yelling at our actress. Huge argument that led to sex on the floor of his apartment. That was the first of many stories of the two in the one section of the book where he talks about their life together. There are others including several arguments our actor had with our actress and the makeup sex they would have. Very detailed. Infidelities on both of their parts and how our actor made our actress describe exactly what she did sexually with other men while they were high. Very intense sexual relationship that led to an engagement but fizzled when our actress wanted a different lifestyle. Pretty crazy chapter. The only good one in the whole manuscript.

The manuscript is circulating and has not been published. He was the star of the franchise. (CDAN)

If you made it through the whole thing, congratulations, you just earned credit toward your blind item degree.

I really don't have a guess for this. Just when I think I've solved it, some little thing doesn't fit. Chevy Chase (has been married for centuries)? Charlie Sheen (does this on a nightly basis)? Rob Lowe (already put out his memoirs)? Ted Danson (maaaaaybe)? Michael J. Fox (Can I really picture his ass making Sarah Jessica Parker the pass around patty of NYC?)?

Oh hell, I'll just say this is Zombie Walter Matthau and Betty White?

This divorcing star couple originally agreed to an amicable split, but they’ve now gone back on their promise to keep each other’s dirty laundry private. The battling soon-to-be-exes have been having their assistants leak each other’s not-so-pleasant personal habits to the press. (Blind Gossip)

JLo and Skeletor?

He is not really coke dad, because he is not a dad, but this B-/C+ actor has made it very clear to his new celebrity/reality star? girlfriend who is a mom that he plans on continuing to party whether there is a child present or not. "Just keep the kid away from the coke, and there will not be a problem." (CDAN)

Brandi Glanville and Gerard Butler? And "keep the kid away from the coke" is a line to live by, because babies are known to be greedy with the coke.