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Beyonce's (I'm too lazy to put a fancy accent on that e and bitch is from Houston!) video for "Countdown" is obviously made of equal parts Funny Face, Flashdance, a Gap commercial and a bunch of other things she watched while she heaved the morning sicks into a diamond-encrusted barf bin on her platinum throne bed. But somebody has put together this comparison video that I am presenting to the court as EXHIBIT A! The video is accusing Beyonce of copy and pasting the work of Belgian choreographer Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker and there's some shots that are almost identical.

This isn't the first time that Beyonce has been accused of sending Basement Baby to lift some shit in the middle of the night. When she was accused of Xerox copying the performance of an Italian pop star for her Billboard Music Awards performance, she said that she hired the same guy to do it and so it wasn't stealing.

But the evidence this time is obviously there. Lady Copy + Paste must've taught Stealyonce everything she knows. Charge her with felony grand theft, throw a Cell Block of Dereon jumpsuit on her body, plop a wig from the commissary on her head and lock her up! But mostly I'm just saying that because I really want the unborn golden child of music to be a prison baby.

via ONTD

Entertainment Weekly trolled back ally lip injection clinics (I'm looking at you, chick from Home Improvement who isn't the mom) and the anti-evolution booth of traveling evangelical revivals (I'm looking at you, Krazy Cameron) to reunite you with the casts of Romy & Michele's High School Reunion (wearing hot dresses made of the shit they invented), The Carol Burnett Show, Dallas, Fatal Attraction, Growing Pains, Home Improvement, NYPD , Princess Bride and 227.

As we all look at them and think "They look so damn ooooooold," I'm sure they're looking back at us and thinking, "You look look damn ooooooooooold too, heffa."

Sadly, EW didn't reunite our asses with the cast of Showgirls by featuring a photo shoot of Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley wrassling naked in a kiddie pool full of Doggie Chow. They better do that shit next year.

Kendall Jenner is already a 15-year-old bikini model. Yup, Pimp Mama Kris' fame whore plan for her is right on track - The Superficial

Leonardo DiCaprio's pockmarked forehead on the J. Edgar Hoover poster looks like ass. Specifically, Cameron Diaz's pizza ass - Lainey Gossip

Finally, some real natural talent around these parts - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

JoJo was probably too young to be a MySpace picture slut so I guess she's making up for lost time - Hollywood Tuna

Elisabetta Canalis is wet humping on some Eggs - Celebitchy

The Anthony Weiner gay porn parody we've all been waiting to fap to - Towleroad

GET ME THIS!!!! - The Daily What

Ashley Greene wears a Canadian swimsuit cover on Women's Health - Popoholic

Johnny Depp will fill his pockets full of more "silly money" to play Dr. Seuss - Just Jared

Brit Brit leaks - ICYDK

Penelope Cruz is obviously playing my cousin circa 1987 in that new Woody Allen movie - Popsugar

It's Emma Watson with a peen! - The Berry

Dog wash watch - Cityrag

Lady CaCa's interpretation of Teresa Giudice's hairline - Moe Jackson

Sad Keanu almost died (not really) - Hollywood Rag

Michelle Pfeiffer on plastic faces - I'm Not Obsessed

"Fetch me a sandwich, robot!" will soon be the new "Fetch me a sandwich, woman!" - Videogum

Presenting Princess Bitchatrice - OMG Blog

After every trick or treat stroll on Halloween night, my sister and I would sit on the living room floor and separate our candy booty into 5 piles: sours, fruity shit, chocolate, crap we're going to trade and crap we're going to give to the needy (aka raisins, toothbrushes and fruit cocktail packs). And if a certain Christian group gets their way, there will be a new pile: BIBLES! Some Christians are asking their fellow Christians to help them turn Halloween into JesusWeen by handing out bibles and other Christian stuff instead of delicious candies. If they're trying to get free toilet paper, because they will be toilet papered and egged and Vaselined that night, then their plan is going to be a success! They'll also know what it feels like to get eye shanked by a 5-year-old in a Courtney Stodden costume (that is the costume of the year, right?).

This isn't anything new, though. I've been celebrate this for years. Every October 31st, I put on a drapey gown with no panties on, and get drunk on red wine before passing out into the lap of some whore sitting in the bushes. These Christians are just giving it a name and I thank them for this. Even though they're trying to shove JesusWeen down our throats, we should accept it! It would be unholy of us to deny JesusWeen.

Happy JesusWeen!

via Christian Nightmares

Production for the Mahalia Jackson biopic starring Fantasia was supposed to start any day now, but then a little thing called "Fanny's ovaries eating up the sperm fish of a married douche" happened and everything was pushed back. Instead of recasting the role with a more worthy talent like Quween of the Scene or Aretha Franklin's right nipple (her left one is a total cuntrod to work with), the producers are waiting for Fantasia to push out the baby and are allowing her vagina to fully recover from birth trauma before they go back into production. But Jesus be the mighty fist of one of Mahalia Jackson's cousins, dragging Fanny by the weave out of her trailer to throw her demonized soul into a circle of salt poured by the God Warrior.

Page Six reports that the estate of Mahalia Jackson is asking the producers to drop Fanny, because they feel that an unwed heathen who made a child with a married man will dirty the pristine image of a religious and noble woman like Mahalia Jackson. One source said, “The family thinks if Fantasia plays the role, it’s going to sully the name of Mahalia. They think she’s got the wrong image, having a child out of wedlock.”

The producers are also upset, because Fantasia lied to them and said that she was packing on the chunk for the role when she was really packing on baby weight. The producers are considering replacing Fanny with Missy Elliot, who is obviously the epitome of moral beacon, if she can't start shooting in January.

A rep from Mahalia Jackson's estate only said this about the biopic and Fanny:

“I’m not really aware of any objections that the heirs have to the casting of Fantasia. I understand that they were getting ready to film and that she is pregnant, and I don't know who is she pregnant by.”

Not wanting Fantasia to play Mahalia because she's growing another wedlock baby in her womb is some ridiculous shit since every single person in Hollywood has birthed out a wedlock baby. Every single one of them. I'm sure every single ho in Mahalia's family has too. Who hasn't birthed a wedlock baby? I'm birthing one right now. That is not a valid reason. A valid reason for not wanting Fantasia to play Mahalia would be because she couldn't even play Fantasia in the Fantasia biopic and was upstaged by stage barf. That is a valid reason.

Mahalia's family just needs to go to the producers and say the words: upstaged by stage barf. The next sound you'd hear is the sound of the producers getting Aretha Franklin's right nipple on the line.

If you're in the El Centro area of California and a single strand of ginger hair that looks exactly like what one of the sun's pubes would look like flies by you, lure it into a petri dish with promises of a vodka shot and send it directly to the third stall in the men's bathroom at New York City's Port Authority (they know how to find me) and then we'll play a game of hot potato when I send you a bouncing check as a gracias.

Prince Hot Ginge stepped onto American soil yesterday (Oh, get me a pile of that American soil he stepped on too and if you pour it into one of these, I'll add more zeros to your trampoline check!) to begin a two-month training program in California and Arizona.

Everything I want to say about this picture is already being said by the eyes of the dude in the crossing guard vest. Who needs a TSA wand when you've got eyes that can zoom straight into the royal nalgas of Prince Hot Ginge. If you stared deep into that dude's eyes, you'd see the reflection of red ants carrying sparklers over two majestic sand dudes. (Yes, I've been taking writing classes from Courtney Stodden.) Thank you, neon vest dude, for doing what a restraining order tells me I can't do!

via Daily Mail

In the past few months, Ryan Reynolds' peen has dipped into a little Sandra Bullock, then some South African model type (I think), then some ex-wife ScarJo, then some Charlize Theron and now it has landed on the white paper plate of unseasoned mashed cauliflower named Blake Lively. Blake Lively is fresh off of stabbing the vulnerable heart of Leonardo DiCaprio and she's sort of in between relationships set up by her publicist so she figured why not pass the time by passing her poon along the biceps on Ryan's dick. And yes, you know Ryan has biceps on his dick.

Hollywood Life says that at a Radiohead concert in NYC last week, Ryan was with ScarJo when he ran into his Green Lantern co-star Blake. Blake and Ryan started mumbling to each other and learned that they were both going to be in Boston for the weekend. Ryan is shooting some movie there and Blake was going to some cooking event. They rode the Acela train together and later rode on each other all weekend at his apartment in Back Bay (the sex tape can be called Backdooring Blake in Back Bay). Ryan took Blake to the train station at 5am on Monday morning and said goodbye by touching her tonsils with his tongue. The source has all the details that I'm sure you just can't wait to wrap your yawning eyeballs around:

"Blake isn’t upset or fazed by the breakup with Leo at all. When Ryan took Blake to catch her train back to NYC they were making out and looked really happy together. Blake was wearing a big hat and it fell off as she made out with Ryan on the escalator at the train station. It was really early and he was even wheeling her suitcase for her! He wanted to make sure she caught the train so he waited until she got on.

They kept kissing on the platform and looked like they were a couple. It’s clear she’s over Leo, but as for how serious she is with Ryan? Who knows.”

If Blake and Ryan mated to completion, their baby would look like a clinically depressed premature Persian kitten with perma-squint possum eyes and a six-pack, and the universe would never do that to us! So this is about as serious as Leonardo DiCatchAHo when he tells his latest model piece that he's not only with her because she booked 9 shows during Paris fashion week. This is just one of those "boning in Boston" things, which is way less hotter and romantic than one of those "banging in a Buick" things. I mean, making out at a train station? Tacky whores. Everyone knows that you really show someone you care by front seat fucking them in a Buick parked in front of a restaurant.

The bitch who puts the twit in Twitter is tired of you gossiping putas saying that she's so damn skinny that you can use her to poke an Almond Joy out of a vending machine and has had it with her haters sending the ASPCA to her house after reporting that they've witnessed a malnourished pony shuffling around the premises. LeAnn Rimes is sooo sick of you going on and on about her weight that she's going to go on and on about her weight. Maybe she's trying that reverse psychology shit on us hos.

But the thing is, during an interview with The Associated Press, the reporter didn't even bring up the weight thing. LeAnn did. LeAnn's mouth shat out a broken record when she said that she's not anorexic and doesn't have an eating disorder. LeAnn simply has the body of a Halloween skeleton decoration, because her mouth is too busy farting about her weight to eat and her fingers are too busy shooting out words about her weight to pick up food. And "the divorce" and "working" are also to blame. Here's the word bile that trickled off of LeAnn's tongue about the only thing she talks about.

AP: Celebrity and fame has changed since you first became famous as a teenager. Now you're followed by paparazzi and the press focuses on your marriage.

Rimes: It's interesting. I was told when I was little I couldn't have an opinion because you want everyone to buy your record and like you. I'm not gonna apologize for who I am and what I've gone through. We all are human. I've learned you just don't know what another person has gone through. ... People don't see that. You know, I went through all I've gone through in the last few years and I was going through a divorce and I couldn't get out of bed, and so I gained 10 pounds and then I lose 10 pounds because now I'm moving around and I'm working and you know, I don't stop and no one sees that (weight loss) actually can happen like naturally. It's a natural progression of life. It has to be some big deal and some issue so I'm glad there are people out there that are smarter than that and they don't buy into it.

When LeAnn is waiting in an office waiting room and the receptionist asks her if she wants some water, she pulls her head out of the Twitter bird's ass and screams, "WATER?! Why do you think I need water? Are you saying that I need nourishment?! I'm not anorexic! Leave me alone! I just ate water two days ago! Stop it! I'm natural! I'm human! I have feelings! How dare you, you Falkor racist! Why is the room spinning? Why do I feel weak? Oh, it's because I haven't Tweeted in the past 5 seconds and I'm going through Tweetdrawls! You did this to me! And stop looking at me like you've never seen someone wear a bikini in an office waiting room! "

LeAnn freaks out about her weight on her own, so I'm not even going to touch that anymore. But my favorite part is when she said that she couldn't get out of bed during her divorce. Bitch, don't act like the real reason you couldn't get out of bed is because it's kind of impossible to roll off of a mattress when you've got a gut full of Eddie Cibrian's married dick.

Steve Jobs isn't gone for a day and Pixar production values go to hell. - magusxxx

Runners-up:

Remind me to never pay for a show again at the Motel 6 in Las Vegas. - Manimal5

To avoid copyright claim, Logo created it's own princesses, Twinkerbell, Hasbene, A'loose, Anial, Slingderella, Pokuntas, Sloppy Butty & Kevin. - Deusex

The Magic Kingdom Trinidad, Colorado went bankrupt opening day. - RecessVillain

Just look at all the friends Suri gets to inherit from her dad! See, normal childhood! - Bree

via Break.com

This Getting It In Granny was supposed to get stamped with the Hot Slut title yesterday, but a flasher squirrel and his lots 'o nuts got in the way, and in the Dlisted world squirrel nuts top car sexin' memaws (I know that image is just a dollop of whipped YES on top of your coffee).

This is 71-year-old Rita Daniels and if you couldn't already tell from her freshly fucked hair, that glistening twinkle of an orgasm in her eyes and a smile that says her nose was just smashed up against a backseat while her nana punane (punana?) was smashed up against a peen, she just got boned in a Buick before this mug shot of glamour was taken. The story, that I hope to reenact when I'm 71, started in a bar in Michigan one night when Miss Rita strolled in looking to fill her wild body with some booze and follow it up with a COCKtail chaser if you know what I mean. Miss Rita prowled the bar like a geriatric cougar with a bad back (but a good coochie) and set her eyes on her boy toy for the night 54-year-old Tim Adams who looks like this. Just ignore the facial expression that is sponsored by weak Viagra and cold regret:

Since nothing speeds up the horny like whiskey, Miss Rita grabbed Tim's hand and took him back to her place. And by her place, I mean a 2002 Buick Regal (with a license plate that reads "DIVA145" YAAAASSSSSS!) parked in front of a restaurant. Miss Rita hiked up her skirt, pulled her bloomers to the side and rode that young-ish buck dick so hard that the windows fogged up with a layer of hot lust (smelled like Icy Hot lube, burnt Malt-O-Meal, Fixodent, limburger cheese, beer-braised beef and Jean Nate-scented Spanish Fly). Just when Miss Rita was starting to howl like her doctor just waived her Medicare copay, some jizz-blocker had to call the cops. The prudish assholes said that Miss Rita and Tim were doing car sex in front of a restaurant where a 10-year-old boy was eating. Seriously, children fuck up everything!

When the cops asked Tim what he was doing, he obviously shot back with: "I'm fucking this chick!" Technically, Rita is a hen, but I'm sure she'll take the "chick" comment today, tomorrow and every other day. Miss Rita and Tim were arrested for indecent exposure and being drunk in public and were taken to jail.

Ole' girl got arrested and Tim probably knocked her hip out of place with one long thrust to the side and she don't even mind. My hero.

via The Smoking Gun