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Here's precious lesbian lady Jared Leto posing from the tips of his Chanel polished finger nails to the bottom of his ten thousand dollars sneakers and up to his pomade-slathered locks while thinking that he's the bright shining star of this shot. Jared is thinking that everybody else is just seeping into the background the same way the leave-in conditioner seeped into his pit bushes that morning (to keep them sparkly and fluff), but the ho is wrong!

If there's one person who can beat Jared's "maintenance worker at the Tokio Hotel" look in the glamour game it's a seasoned beauty who isn't even trying. Enter homegirl stage right.

Frosted eyeshadow in her signature shade that makes her eyes look like they've been crying out Pegasus saliva - CHECK!
Eyes that aren't even 5% dazzled by the beautiful robo nymph from Blade Runner standing to her left - CHECK!
Hair that looks like the ready-to-wear version of Dracula's double beehive - CHECK

Jared gets credit for poking holes in his tank so his nipples could breathe, but other than that, bitch didn't have a chance!

Here's more of Jared thinking he's the prettiest girl in the room with Terry Richardson at the YSL show in Paris today.

Maurice Sendak is best known for writing Where The Wild Things Are? and now he's best known to me for making me say "Andy Rooney, who?!" out loud. 83-year-old Maurice made my soul coo out 8 crusty and chapped hearts during his interview with The Guardian about writing children books, hating bitches and hating bitches some more. Here are just 8 things that Maurice is growling at (alternate title: 8 reasons why I want to make children with an 83-year-old grand cunt):

E-books: "I hate them. It's like making believe there's another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of book! A book is a book is a book."

NYC: "You get pushed and harassed and people grope you. It's too tumultuous, it's too crazy!"

Rupert Murdoch: "His name should be what everything is called now. (Reporter: But doesn't he publish your books?) Yes! Harpers. He owns Harpers and I guess the rest of the world, too. He represents how bad things have become. But I don't know a better house. They're all in trouble. They're all terrible."

American politics: "These Republican schnooks would be comical if they weren't not funny."

Salman Rushdie: "That flaccid fuckhead. He was detestable. I called up the Ayatollah, nobody knows that."

Roald Dahl: "The cruelty in his books is off-putting. Scary guy. I know he's very popular but what's nice about this guy? He's dead, that's what's nice about him."

Stephen King: "Bullshit."

Gwyneth Paltrow: "I can't stand her."

These quotes should be published into a hardcover book with illustrations and read to every single child before bedtime. This is mandatory.

Guess who has just made all of my Thetans dry heave by wearing Lady UGGS? (Hint: They're probably her daddy's shoes and I will never forgive him for this) - Just Jared

In an Amber from Clueless voice: You could be a farmer in those clothes! No, really she really could. - Lainey Gossip

Jodie Marsh's honorary invitation from the queen herself to the Pride of Britain Awards must have gotten lost in the mail. I mean, Cheryl Tweedy?! - Hollywood Tuna

Ryan Gosling is not rubbing his taint to Ryan Gosling pictures like the rest of the world is - Towleroad

St. Angie Jo, Maddox and Brad Pitt go paintballing together. No, this is not Brangeloonie fan fiction. - Popsugar

And here's St. Angie with a "just got hit in the face with a paintball" glow about her - Hollywood Rag

Elisabetta Canalis is no Jodie Marsh - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The Photoshop Awards: Kate Winslet in Harper's Bazaar - Cityrag

More man slut tales of a man slut's man slutting ways - Celebitchy

I will not believe this until Papa Joe is shouting it from the cover of People Magazine with a check in hand - ICYDK

This is what Kenny Loggins looks like now - SOW

"I can't believe a cheater cheated on me!" - Kat Von D - I'm Not Obsessed

Brandi Glanville is a drunk slut. File that under: The Famewhoring ex-wives of loser TV stars are just like us! - The Superficial

My dog threw me a "You woke my shit up for this ridiculousness?" look when I played this mess for him - The Daily What

Vanessa Hudgens gets lusty and beggy. I think I got that right. - Popoholic

The best illustrated review of Drive you'll ever read - The Hairpin

I blame Nancy Cartwright (and Xenu) - OMG Blog

Maru has jumped out of the box for his latest cinematic YouTube and is sprawling himself out on a shag rug to get up close and personal. This is a little too intimate for me so I'll leave you two alone. Don't worry, I'll be sure to cue up "Your Body Is A Wonderland" on my way out.

As Brandi Glanville cackles (or should I say "COCKles" so that prude asshole Kyle Richards can clutch her prayer cloth), I'm throwing a black veil over my Tivo box and mourning the loss of a TV show I was actually getting into. This is just like the time when my 15-year-old self and my neighbor were dry humping in the garage and just when things were about to go from PG-13 to NC-17, my mom tried to get in and screaming at me to stop blocking the door with the old sofa and let her in. This is just like that. NBC has busted into the garage and yelled at The Playboy Club to go back home and to stop rubbing on its son's ass cheeks like that. They just had to ruin a good time.

This is what Entertainment Weekly has to say about The Playboy Club getting stuffed into an urn after only 3 episodes:

Playboy Club premiered to low ratings and then dropped for each of its three telecasts, with last night hitting only 3.4 million viewers and a 1.2 rating in the adult demo. Despite having relatively tame content, the show wasn’t helped by conservative group the Parents Television Council vehemently protesting the show. And sharp-eyed Playboy Club viewers got a hint last night something might have been up last night when NBC didn’t air a promo for a fourth episode.

NBC will fill the Monday night slot with repeats of new police drama Prime Suspect, which likewise needs some assistance in the Nielsen ratings. There are no plans to run off remaining Playboy Club episodes in another time period.

NBC has also given full life to Whitney and Up All Night by picking them up for the rest of the season.

Well, the good news is that Eddie Cibrian can stop thinking he's network TV's answer to Don Draper. My butch lesbian friend who has the thickest Spanish accent ever does a better Don Draper impersonation when she's drunk than Eddie does when he's sober. Bitch is more like Don DRABer. And the good news for Eddie is that at least he has LeAnn Rimes' checking account to fall back on.

As soon as your eyes finish salivating from staring at Jodie Marsh's Helen Grace chocolate egg titties, give her the clap (Not THAT clap! She already has that one. The other clap. The one you give her with your hands. Oh! You know what my ass means!) for leaving her first bodybuilding competition triumphant. 16 months ago the most beautiful woman in the world, who has been everything from a ten-second lesbian to a tattoo artiste, started training with Tim Sharp to become a bodybuilding goddess superstar and here she is at her first competition looking as glisteningly gorgeous as a hard shit out of a snake's ass in the Garden of Eden.

Jodie came in first second third fourth fifth place in the beauties of the septic tank division and tells The Sun that she owes it all to intense training and trading her usual diet of champagne and cum balls for egg whites and whole wheat toast.

"This is the best I've ever felt — and the best my body's ever felt. In 50 days I have gone from 25 per cent body fat to ten per cent, gained 8lb of muscle and lost 20lb of fat."

Of course, Jodie's road to getting a body like Kellan Lutz's nipple was shot for a reality show that will air in the UK this January. Yes, the sight of Jodie brings back painful memories of when I ruined my sister's Barbie doll by ripping its head off to try to shove it over my He-Man figure (both of them were never the same again), but even I have to admit that England's finest rose has never looked more exquisite. Well, tits that look like burnt ham and bodies that look straight out of a Panda Express tin are two of my favorite things!

First Katie Price and that Argentinian piece who made my gaydar pucker end their beautiful love affair via a translator (because she doesn't speak Spanish and he isn't completely fluent in Whore yet), and now UsWeekly is telling us that Blake NotSoLively and Leonardo DiCatchAHo's short-term contract is up and they aren't even trying to renegotiate. Pop your umbrellas, because something tells me that suicidal cherubs will be falling out of the sky today.

Reps for both Blake and Leonardo confirm to UsWeekly that after 5 months of contract-enforced dates in Monte Carlo, Venice, and NYC, they have broken up, but are still friends.

As much as this news saddens me, because it makes me long for the days when celebrity couples showed they were really committed to each other by signing long-term contracts (see: Reese and Jake), this shit was bound to happen.

Leo just can't give his heart to a piece unless she gives 10% of the earnings she made from posing in Sports Illustrated to her agent at IMG. And Blake is just not meant to happen even though Hollywood keeps shoving her down our eye holes the same way almost every model is shoving her portfolio into Leo's mail slot right about now. Blake is the Pippa Middleton of American actresses. She is never EVER going to happen. (Cut to the no-so-distance future when Blake is thanking her husband Ryan Gosling as she accepts her Best Actress Oscar while I get my words eatin-ready by sprinkling hot sauce on them.)

You might think that Johnny Depp is having a million laughs in this photo shoot, sipping on the sweet nectar and sucking on a cigar, but nope. Johnny's got a counselor waiting in his dressing room and a nurse with a rape kit standing by, because he tells Vanity Fair (via Page Six) that posing in front of a camera makes him like he's being sexually violated. Paging Kristen Stewart. Paging Kristen Stewart. Please escort Johnny Depp to the registration office of the Think Before You Open Your Fuck Ass Mouth School of Public Speaking.

Johnny said that photo shoots are to him what hydrangeas are to Madge and they just make him feel dumb and stupid. Like rape! You know, because rape makes you feel dumb and stupid. Johnny is a regular Detective Olivia Fucking Benson.

Here's the comment that made Johnny's publicist take a hammer to the BlackBerry the media calls them on while using their other BlackBerry to tell his accountant to cut a check for a victims of rape foundation STAT!

“Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow. Raped ... It feels like a kind of weird -- just weird, man. [I'll pose with fans], but whenever you have a photo shoot or something like that, it’s like -- you just feel dumb. It’s just so stupid.”

And Johnny also said this:

"Basically, if they’re going to pay me the stupid money right now, I’m going to take it. I have to. I mean, it’s not for me. Do you know what I mean? At this point, it’s for my kids. It’s ridiculous, yeah, yeah. But ultimately is it for me? No. No. It’s for the kids.”

But back to the rape comment. What a mess. Yes, posing in a photo shoot to promote a movie that you were paid millions to make is SUCH TORTURE! But guess what, Johnny? Unlike rape, you actually get to choose whether or not you want to pose in a three thousand dollar suit in a magazine photo shoot. No REALLY means no when it comes to that shit. So Johnny should just stay away from a magazine's camera so he doesn't feel like he just had a lunch date with Roman Polanski. That way the magazine will have no choice but to publish old pictures of him when he was in the prime of his hotness. It's a win/win for us all.

P.S. - Terry Richardson took that picture. Do what you will with that information.

I don't care if reading one of Cher's Tweets makes me feel like a blind person trying to read Braille written in chewed-up dot candies, when I uncross my eyes and finally see what she's trying to say it makes my everything. Picturing Cher in her don't fuck with me boots spiking Kim Kartrashian in the triple dirty diaper ass up and down the 405 freeway is a dollop of whipped everything on top of my everything.

When the Kardashian's "fans" (aka Pimp Mama Kris and Baby Mason working overtime in the Kardashian Kommand Kenter) questioned Cher's Tweets, she backpedaled a little, but it was too late. Cher has spoken and she got it right the first time! Kick those bitches down the freeway (which probably looks a lot like throwing a hot dog down a hallway).

And if you're wondering what Cher's child was up to last night, here he is swaying his polyester-slather fupa with Lacey Schwimmer who looked like Donatella Versace looking into a fun house mirror after my 6th grade Antarctica diorama project (featuring sea foam, seals and albatrosses galore) exploded on her. If you told me that Chaz Rumbas as good as Cher operates a keyboard, I wouldn't call you a lie teller.

via Jezebel

He approached the idea of competitive water sports with great relish, but conditions were chili and he just couldn't cut the mustard when he was unable to ketchup with his fellow contestants. - perky

Runners-up:

Lindsay sends out a subtle message to the world that she's back on the peen. - daisy100

"I originally wanted to get a Sea-Doo, but I thought it might make me look like a dick." - Strepsi

...followed closely by the cigarette boat ... - WTFOMGLOL

via PIU