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The confidentiality agreement George Clooney made Elisabetta Canalis sign before he handed over a severance package of bus money and a letter of recommendation for her next high-paying john can suck her taint until it goes raw, because she's going to spit out his name for more free press whether his ass likes it or not. Italian journalist Bruno Vespa wrote a new book about love and Elisabetta spilled about her time with George Clooney, because the only time a bitch puts a microphone up to her mouth is when the name Clooney falls off of her tongue. Elisabetta didn't really bite the paw that fed her fame and only had nice-ish things to say about George. People has a few excerpts from the book:

Praising the Oscar winner, 50, as "the person who valued my feminine side the most" and "also one of the best people I have met from a charitable point of view," Canalis, 33, went on to say, "he has been a special for me, and very important, just as a father would be."

Asked by Vespa to elaborate, she said, "between us there was more of a father-daughter relationship. I was unable to clarify this up 'til now."

As for their breakup, Canalis – who competed on Dancing with the Stars earlier this season, denies reports that Clooney's long-held aversion to marriage was an issue.

"George and I never spoke of marriage nor of having kids," she says. "I don't put limits to the possibility of having them, but neither George nor I had ever envisaged having kids together. The end of the relationship was not caused by a marriage issue, but instead by our personal needs."

"George is a real gentleman even in his private life," she says. "I was very much respected both as a woman and partner."

The quote everybody seems to be throwing "YOU SUCIO BITCH" looks at is the "father-daughter relationship" one. Some commenters at People think it's gross, disgusting and weird that she'd label a relationship with a grown dude she took a strap-on to as father-daughter like. But I know what she's saying. What she means is that George liked her to decorate his head in a pink bonnet and spank him on the nalgas while shoving a pacifier in his mouth as she screamed at him, "You bad baby! You bad bad baby!" Yup, Clooney's the daughter. See, totally normal and worth the weekly paycheck.

Here's Elisabetta's at the GQ Man of the Year Awards in Berlin on Friday night. Sadly, she lost the top prize to Jared Leto.

Waking up to the crack house rats nibbling the pieces of shit and meth jank from her rotting butt corn teeth must have been the sign Lindsay Lohan needed to get her ass to a dentist, because she finally did and showed off her new Chiclets on her Twatter page last night with this little note:

Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom... My gums are so sore though!

ZOOM?! Bitch, now you know you used that Playboy money from smiling your snatch on full-on veneers, not Zoom. If those aren't shiny white graveteeth covers, then that cup on her nightstand is soda instead of piss from a sober baby for future drug testing. I mean, if ZOOM could work that kind of miracle, then I'd use it on my bruised and battered no-no to restore it to its natural glory.

It says a lot when LiLo immediately runs out and gets her teeth situation fixed after we all said that mess looked like baked pumpkin seeds out of a dog's ass. But yet she doesn't do anything when the public yells at her to fix her life and shit decision making skills. I mean, this is the shit she chooses to fix? Priorities!

On a positive note, at least she has a new dazzling smile for her new mug shot of glamour.

And here's LiLo at the morgue on Friday, breaking in her new veneers with a cig.

For some of us drunk hos, today is the day we pray over a plate of bacon and ask it to perform a miracle by soothing our soul-charring hangovers with its drips of grease. And this sad happy story proves that miracles do happen. The Snoopy dog throwing you an over-the-shoulder look is Daniel, a beagle who is supposed to be barking at the angels in heaven, but came out of the pound's doggy gas chamber (Note: The words "Doggy gas chamber" is the not-so-secret ingredient in the making of a serious sad face) alive.

The pound's officials have declared him a miracle dog and named him after Daniel, the dude in the bible who survived the lion's den. When a shelter in New Jersey found out about Daniel, they brought him up north and now they're trying to find him a home. Here's Daniel's story. Grab the Benadryl, your "allergies" are going to start acting up again.

It makes my soul smile to know that Daniel survived the doggy gas chamber but then it makes my soul weep into a puddle of weepiness to know that the damn doggy gas chamber still exists. You know, in the olden days (just nod and go with me on this shit) if a dog cheated death they'd declare him the miracle chosen one and he'd become the new god on earth that we must all worship. So, join me in welcoming our new overlord, God Daniel.

via NYDN

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