Quick Programming Note: This might be my last post of the day (I know, I'll scream "LAZY WHORE!" at the mirror fifteen times today), because I'm going away for the weekend. I'll be posting a tiny bit during the weekend and Monday will be a half Halloween day for my ass. And no "going away for the weekend" is not code for "going to weekend jail because I broke the restraining order Anderson Cooper has against me," but thanks for asking. (Okay, it totally is.) Now on to links!
Heidi Klum, please stop with the trick or treat games and immediately give Slim Goodbody his suit back - The Berry
When I look at Jessica Biel's shoulders all I see is cribskirt genocide - Lainey Gossip
Coming in 2012: Wedding Crashers II starring Courtney Love - Celebitchy
Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a police uniform. That is all. - The Superficial
Seeing Darren Criss yodel out Last Friday Night just completely drained my "tolerance for cheeriness" tank - Towleroad
The Pillsbury Doughboy just found himself a weekend full of fapping material - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Elisha Cuthbert as Marilyn Monroe - Hollywood Tuna
Shia LaDouche graduates from Tool Academy with honors - Popsugar
My abuelita works that sweater with more swagger than Rupert Everett ever could. Truth. - ICYDK
Somebody Heimlich that cat! Bitch obviously swallowed a dog! - OMG Blog
This is a direct threat to Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis - Popoholic
If you take away the "Billboard" logo and Justin Bieber's name this really would look like a club flyer for a holiday-themed all 80s lesbian night - Just Jared
Game over. This wins Halloween. - The Daily What
"Calm down, everyone! This isn't what it looks like and I know it looks like I'm wearing the remains of a peacock after it got shredded in a lawn mower." - Hollywood Rag
My final guess is....Tommy Girl - Cityrag
Hep pus and pickle juice in a bottle - Celebslam
Alert the aviary, one of their tweaked out flamingos got loose - I'm Not Obsessed
Plumped-up camel toe, possum belly and costumes that should be burned in a shopping cart barbecue all made several appearances during Brit Brit's show in London last night and she once again cemented her title as the Shields & Yarnell of pop by miming the shit out of all her songs (click here to read the Daily Mail's hilariously cunty review). You can burn calories on hating all you want, but deep down you know you wished your torso looked like a blobfish smiling through a much-needed fart.
Usher must not have been told that having an overgrown ego that cripples your sense of reason is not considered by the government as an official handicap, because he parked in a spot he wasn't supposed to and it triggered a one-woman shit storm of insanity.
TMZ says that minutes after Usher drove his SUV into one of the handicap spots of a parking lot in Atlanta, a bitch went full crazy on his ass by spraying him in the face with a beer as he sat in the driver's seat. Usher sprayed her back with water, which caused her to start kicking at his SUV. Usher then got out of the car and the mop-headed lunatic went after him while shouting "You don't belong here!" (Insert obligatory YOU MAD.jpg here.) Shit got so real that Fat Elvis had to eat himself up through the grave and take a bus to Atlanta to tame this bruhaha. Watch and weep:
Justin Bieber was born in Usher's uterus, so that asshole motherfucker deserves all the whoops he gets, but even I think that crazy in the long-form Dorothy Hamill wig should've dialed back the insanity a bit. We're only allotted a certain number of public nervous breakdowns before the courts drop a CODE 5150 on our heads and this was not worth it. Bitch went crazy like that gold digging Tameka when Usher suggested they should use a condom so she won't get knocked up with an ATM baby! The reasonable thing to do would've been to call a tow truck, slash his tires, fart on his door handle and then write "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR JUSTIN BIEBER" on his windshield in red paint. That's how a reasonable person handles shit.
And can somebody let this lady know that Omar Sharif would like a picture with her. You can tell her not to mind the line, Omar likes cutters. While you're doing that, I'll start writing Omar's obit.
This video about something you will never care about is War & Peace long and further confirms Madge as the most underrated thespian since Howard the Duck, but it must be seen since this is the first time I've ever heard Lourdes' voice! I was not expecting Lourdes to make that sound, but then again I'm not even sure what sound I was expecting. Maybe a high-pitched fake British squeak followed by the words, "HELP! HELP! That Kabbalah bruja's got a boy toy graveyard in our basement! HELP! HELP!"
This mess of a video is very educational, because we learned that Lourdes did not inherit her mother's completely natural British tongue and she also did not inherit her mother's inability to even play herself on camera. Luckily for Lourdes, the "talk like a pretentious cuntwaffle" gene and the "can't act worth shit" gene skipped a generation.
Speaking of children of celebrities speaking for the first time, when is Apple going to get it together and finally make Suri Cruise the voice, face and EVERYTHING of Siri? Unless.... Suri IS Siri and she's collecting all of our drunk questions to use against us when Xenu lands on Earth and we're forced to choose sides. Excuse me while I retrieve my blown mind from across the room.
Two animal kingdoms became one on Mah Boo 369me last night when Anderson Cooper's obsession with Courtney Stodden reached a fever pitch, and yes, it's making me dip a thermometer in Vaseline. Coopertney (just pretend that worked) attempted to replicate Courtney's signature "sedated Komodo Dragon having a face seizure while choking on a heave ball" facial expression and well....Mah Boo tried.
Trying to recreate Courtney's sexy/snarl/idontevenfuckingknow face is like trying to recreate a Picasso using only a soaked piece of cardboard and a palette of wet fart splashes. It cannot be done and it is impossible. The original is a masterpiece. Actually, if you recreated a Picasso with wet fart splashes on a soaked piece of cardboard it would look a lot more like Courtney's sexyface than whatever came out of Mah Boo's face does.
Courtney's facial expression makes it look like her brain is trying to escape through her face and it can't find any open hole, and it takes a special (see: drugged up) kind of person to pull that off. But if there's ever a contest to find the best impersonation of Mr. Burns licking on an invisible pussy, Mah Boo would be crowned the queen of that shit!
And yes, Google Bots, start stretching, because I will be searching for "how to embed an animated GIF into the back of a pair of chonies" as soon as I publish this bitch.
Tonya Cooley of The Real World: Chicago and a thousand editions of that Real World/Road Rules Challenge mess has thrown a lawsuit at MTV, Bunim/Murray Productions and her co-stars Kenny Santucci (left) and Evan Starkman (right) for the alleged sexual abuse she suffered while shooting a challenge in Thailand. One of those acts of sexual abuse involved the thing you used to scrub the sleep jank off of your teeth this morning. Yes, this is what happens when people stop being polite. They rape you with a damn Oral-B.
TMZ says that Tonya's lawsuit claims that while she was passed out, Kenny and Evan stole another dude's toothbrush and used it to brush her labia lips and even put it in her vagina. Tonya says that the cameras caught every bit of her getting toothbrushed in the vagina and not one member of production tried to stop them. Instead, Tonya says producers got rid of some of the evidence by replacing the toothbrush and they never told her about it.
Tonya wasn't the only girl who went through some not right shit. According to Tonya, several of the girls complained to producers about the dudes grabbing at their off-limit parts before, after and during challenges. The producers never did anything about it and even fueled the illegal fuckery by "stripping the female contestants of their bathing suits" and encouraging the dudes to "inappropriately touch female cast members' bodies, including in intimate areas."
Kenny and Evan never got into trouble for allegedly raping Tonya, but she was later kicked off for slapping the fake tan off of Veronica.
Tonya is suing for unspecified damages. Both MTV and Bunim/Murray kept their lips closed about this as of yesterday.
I have watched every Real World and every challenge and Tonya definitely comes off as a tiny hurricane of crazy who spits out lies. But Kenny and Evan are certified douche fucks of epic proportions. Kenny is a piece of smug shit whose brains are operated by AXE body spray and think he's the greatest thing to happen to women folk in the history of ever. Evan is what would happen if Mr. Potato Head ate a gamma bomb before it detonated. Bitch not only looks like a block of white cheddar cheese, but he's as smart as one to. That's not fair to say. If we put a block of cheddar cheese next to Evan and asked them to spell out their name slowly, the block of cheddar cheese would answer correctly before Evan's stupid ass did. So you don't have to choke my nipple knobs with floss to get me to say that I 100% believe that these two assholes are capable of doing fucked up shit like this.
And where was Bethasaurus when we needed her most?!
It wasn't not funny, indeed.
Meanwhile, Joe Francis just sent a basket to MTV thanking them for temporarily making him look less predator-ey. I mean, raped with a toothbrush? THE HELL? Please hold me, CT.
With a leased-for-the-hour child actor from central casting and a trunk full of Dollar Tree props in hand, international supermodel and Hot Slut of Every Year Phoebe Price returned to the Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood yesterday to show children of all ages that with zero shame and even less dignity they too can grow up to be the shiniest petal on the famewhore flower that brings all the paps to the yard.
As some families gourded their eyes out from not being able to stand seeing her stunning freckled beauty in the flesh, PP brought out her best Pirates of the Caribbeinbeautiful (Curse of the Freckled Oyster?) moves and comedian Patton Oswalt was one of the lucky few who got a front row seat. To say that Patton's eyes were captivated by her scarecrow chichis and his heart was captured by her strong work ethic is an understatement greater than saying that PP's complexion looks like chicken lasagna.
Patton narrated Chicken Cutlet's borderline child abuse photo shoot at the pumpkin patch so I don't have to:
Only PP can show the junior famewhores like Courtney Stodden how to really set fire to the pumpkin patch! And in doing so, PP just earned some quotes for her resume from a TV, movie and comedy star!
".....star" - Patton Oswalt
"...dew-ey....treat" - Patton Oswalt
"'sexy' pirate..." - Patton Oswalt
"I DO want to..... pet.... her" - Patton Oswalt
"Yeah, dude, the whole place started to freeze over and I had no idea what was going on so I got the, well, you know, out of there. Then I heard Charlie Sheen got a new TV show and it all made sense. Luckily, this won't happen again unless Lindsay wins her Oscar . . ." - maejones
Rachel Uchitel was very disappointed when her kids grew up with her real features, not the ones she bought. - parissucksliterally
Amy Winehouse's private demons (who we've heard so much about) are rested and ready to move on after having had the summer off. - TexnDoc
Raging Stallion's Halloween porn trilogy: PARANORMAL COCKTIVITY 3, TWI-HARD SAGA: BREAKING DON, and HELLRIMMER - Strepsi
What do I know about playing darts? JIP! What does Jip know about playing darts? LOTS! Sort of.
The darts team at The Royds Arms pub in Rochdale has made Jip the dog their honorary mascot because no other dog in the Greatest Manchester area loves darts as much as she does. The pub's landlord Kenny Hughes tells The Sun that he taught Jip how to fetch coins (Note: Why in shit-faced copper Queen Elizabeth hell would you teach your dog to fetch coins unless you also wanted to teach its bowels how to pass coins?) and she became such a boss at that shit that she moved up to darts! Now, anytime a dart launcher hits the board with a dart, Jip jumps up, grabs it with her mouth and returns the slobber-covered dart to the player. Watch and learn, you lazy ass dogs out there:
So, she's not really a dart playing dog, she's more like a dart collecting dog. Or a backwards dart playing dog. Whatever. Bitch is still more useful than most hos on this planet.
And I can think of nothing better than spending your Sunday afternoon getting tanked in an English pub while being entertained by a dart-loving dog named Jip! Okay, I can think of a few things better than that, but it's still in the top 100.
Joaquin Phoenix (37)
Devon Murray (23)
Justin Guarini (33)
Dayanara Torres (37)
Trista Rehn (39)
Brad Paisley (39)
Ben Harper (42)
Julia Roberts (44)
Andy Richter (45)
Jami Gertz (46)
Lauren Holly (48)
Daphne Zuniga (49)
Stephen Morris of New Order (54)
Bill Gates (56)
Annie Potts (59)
Bruce Jenner (62)
Telma Hopkins (63)
Dennis Franz (67)
Jane Alexander (72)
Joan Plowright (82)
Cleo Laine (84)