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George Clooney brought his latest contract girl Stacy Keibler to the Annual Hollywood Film Awards Gala last night and as they made their way up the red carpet, they stopped and stared at each other. Just like they stared at each other in London....and Paris...and New York. That's what they do. They stare at each other like an old couple sitting in the middle of a Sizzler who just silently stare at each other as they chew on their all-you-can eat shrimp. This leads me to believe that Stacy isn't pinning George down and forcing him to suck on her strap-on, they're just in a really long staring contest.

They started it weeks ago and neither of them is blinking for shit. So George is taking Stacy wherever he goes and when he gets some free time, they resume the staring contest! Yes, that is exactly what's going on. They're not fucking, they're just staring. That is a completely reasonable explanation (that I did not pull out of my bong) for these two bitches' serious staring problems.

Hint to Stacy: Just coo out the word "marriage" and George will blink with his entire body.

Or wait. Maybe this isn't a staring contest at all. Maybe they are blinking. Maybe George learned from his past mistakes, so from now on he's training all of his temporary pieces to communicate by Morse Code through blinking. That way they won't speak with their mouths, because George hates that.

Jessica Simpson took the growing SHHH! baby in her uterus for a walk in NYC today and I guess we're going to keep doing this until she's sitting in front of TLC's cameras saying that she had no idea babies grow inside human bodies, because she learned in her favorite baby picture book by Ann Geddes that newborns grow in terracotta pots and you buy them at a flower nursery. But while Jessica lets her papoose pouch speak for itself, her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo did shit the old fashioned way by actually announcing his wife's pregnancy with words. UsWeekly says that at an anti-drug rally at some high school in Texas today, Tony told the kids that his peen shot the mighty sperm that busted a fetus in the gut of Chace Crawford's sister. Yes, Tony put it just like that.

"I actually have one on the way. My wife is pregnant."

And with that, you better stock up on bottled water and board up all your windows like it's the sequel to Hurricane Irene. Because any minute now a white blond lightning bolt of visible farts and tragic desperation will shoot through the streets screeching, "AH'S WAS IN THE FAMILY WAY FIRST! AH'S WAS IN THE FAMILY WAY FIRST!"

Sandra Lee's Halloween show was like free falling down the booze tunnel in her mouth and landing face first on the tablescape in her stomach (stomachscape?). Aunt Sandy, NEVER LEAVE US, because the world needs more watering cans full of booze - Food Network Humor

My eyes deceived me into thinking this was Sandy Duncan and therefore my eyes disappointed me - Lainey Gossip

What's the maximum sentence for reality show vote tampering? Death, you say? To death row (aka a place without paparazzi or cameras) you go, Kim Kardoucheian! - The Superficial

That A-line skirt really brings out the erectness in Jared Leto's nipples - The Berry

Salma Hayek's chichis look like two suns rising above a grassy knoll. Yes, I've been watching Bob Ross reruns on YouTube again. - Hollywood Tuna

What Chris Martin is trying to say is that he totally fapped to a Take That poster - Towleroad

The gorgeous angel Spaz de la Huerta actually looks semi-coherent here! BOO! - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Oh, it's the simple things that fascinate dumb ass Jessica Simpson - ICYDK

Jennifer Aniston sets the record straight even though the name of the record is "Who Gives A Fuck?" - Popsugar

Russian hitchhiking prostitute circa 1987 or ScarJo? - Popoholic

James Franco on VMan - Just Jared

Khan Chittenden's bare ass is here if your eyes need it - OMG Blog

And Lea Michele grosses out all of us - SOW

I'm guessing Carmen Electra brought that dress out from the 1999 archives - Hollywood Rag

FYI: Alexa Ray Joel has HPV - I'm Not Obsessed

Demi Lovato is back on Wilmer Valderrama's sack - Celebitchy

The Barking Dead - Cityrag

Two words: FREE CHAMPAGNE! - The Daily What

One way to cleanse the brain's palate of the vomitous picture of Justin Bieber using his hands as Selena Gomez's training bra is with a PUPPY, and that's what she gave us yesterday in London, Ontario. People says that Selena was missing her dog friends at home, so she brought Justin to an animal shelter in Winnipeg and together they adopted a 10-week-old husky that she named Baylor. Baylor will live on the bus with Selena as she tours through Canada.

Today is Toddler Appreciation Day, so I have no shade to douse Justin and Selena with. Baylor is the best thing to come out of the unholy couple that NO! built and I hope that he quickly learns that eyelids aren't just natural sleep shades for your face. They're also there for when your eyeballs need to escape the sight of your two moms going from first base to gross base right in front of you. Now, I'm going to slide out the dog door before I make a peanut butter joke.

On Sunday afternoon in the Nappy Valley (my fingers really wanted to type "Nappy" instead of "Napa" so please let me keep it), Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Billy Crystal all watched as half-shaven silver bear Robin Williams made his graphic designer girlfriend of 2 years his third wife. All shovels stand up and salute Susan Schneider for proving that the perseverance of a late-in-life gold digger always pays off.

Page Six says that right before Robin Williams underwent heart surgery two years ago, he started giving Susan's body carpet burns by rubbing his bear rug body against hers. Susan stayed with him and nursed him back to health.

Robin's first marriage died a slow death when he down low dicked a cocktail waitress. Robin's second marriage ended up in a shallow grave after he allegedly dow low dicked another trick. So I'm sure history is just history and Robin will not cum hairy sperm balls on another woman's chest. To be sure, Susan should only let Robin hang out with women who are allergic to cats since he's so damn hairy that I'm sure he sheds dander.

Here's Robin and his new wife Susan entertaining Paris with a kiss and ass show while on their honeymoon yesterday. Being around spastic Robin all of the time is probably as frustrating and annoying as trying to scissor a lesbian in a Smart Car, so I'm sure this time next year we'll see pictures of Susan making out with a Valium bottle and lifting her skirt to get a Xanax injection in the butt.

You can now put a face to your hangover thanks to that still shot of Tara Reid.

Heineken's tagline "Drink responsibly" came on my mind back in August when the blueprint for Lindsay Lohan's life, Tara Reid, married Zack Kehayov (seen below before the booze buzz of happiness wore off) just hours after they got engaged in Greece. Most of us bet all our coins on Tara's marriage lasting until the hotel staff refused to restock the mini bar, but that Land of Gorch-looking trick showed all of us. Tara's marriage didn't last a week and it didn't even last a second. It didn't last at all, because it never happened. Tara says that she and Zack never made it legal.

TMZ caught Tara at LAX last night just seconds after the airport crew cut her weave out of an aircraft propeller when it landed. I mean, either Tara spent a 6 hour flight wrapped around a moving propeller or she accidentally fell into the toilet and got stuck in the septic tank, because I need a whole of DAMNs to describe the messy state she's in. It's like her hair got caught on the hitch of a dump truck speeding out of hell. Tara needs to take a long nap in a Menudo soup bath. But back to Tara's non-existent marriage. Tara told TMZ that she never legally married Zack and she made it sound like they're not even together anymore.

Leave it to the master mess to show the amateur messes how you really scam the media for a quick check. Lindsay Lohan is out there flashing her freckled nipple knobs for money and Tara just collected a check from Life & Style for wedding pictures from a wedding that never happened. Bow down, LiLo. No, seriously, bow down and pick Tara Reid up, because she just passed out on the sidewalk.

James Franco is a considerate celebrity who knows that you've seen his face EVERYWHERE and so he's changing things up flashing his ass cheeks everywhere instead. (This is the place where you submit your re-worked "since when does his face and his ass look any different" joke.) James dropped his panties, brushed off the ricocheted air kisses he blows at his own ass in the mirror and cracked a sideways grin for Flaunt Magazine's cover. If it's safe for you to look at Michael Lohan's mug shot at work then it's probably safe for you to look at James Franco's SANS CHONIES ass, butt I put it behind a cut just in case. Get it!

Whenever you need a quick answer to the question "Why is Lindsay Lohan such a natural born fuck up?", just look at this mug shot of her wonderful Christian father Michael Lohan looking like a sun-damaged hairy baboon testicle.

Michael recently told Radar that his daughter needs a year in rehab and he will be there for her to guide her along the road to sobriety. Michael proved to his daughter that he is the supporting and stable rock she can count on by threatening to throw his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major off of a fourth floor balcony in Tampa, FL if she didn't suck his nasty dick. While most of us would gladly throw ourselves off of a fourth floor balcony if Michael whipped his turtle dick out and told us to put our tongues on it, Kate simply refused and that's when shit got violent. Kate told the police that he threw a TV remote at her, broke her cellphone, pushed her, grabbed her by the arms and told her that he'd pull some murder/suicide shit by slitting both of their wrists. Kate called the police from a land line and when they showed up at around 2 this morning, Michael clutched his chest in dramatic cunt fashion and so he was taken to the hospital.

This the best and most priceless part: Michael was treated for his fake chest pains and tried to be slick by slipping out of the hospital without the cops seeing him. Michael leaves a trail of douche slime when he walks, so an officer caught him and dragged his stupid ass to jail where he was booked for domestic violence again. I swear, Lauren & Hardy must be raising their fists from the grave for not using that buffoonery bit in their act. I can totally picture a Keystone Kop waving a baton at Michael Lohan as he runs around the E.R. in a hospital gown while this song plays in the background. What a dumb fuck.

Michael's side of the story is that Kate is afraid she's knocked up with the newest Lohan spawn so she flipped out after he busted a raw nut in her during sex. Michael also had a cut on his head, which she says he gave himself during an argument on Sunday night. Michael banged his head against the door and told Kate that he'd tell the cops she did it to him.

THIS LOHAN is the new THIS BITCH. Really, scientists should study whatever is flowing through the veins of a Lohan, because that will lead them to the antidote for foolery. The economy is sending the Lohan family a thank you basket for making it look like less of a disaster. This is the official family of fuck up.

And Michael Lohan, please meet Mel Gibson. You both want a blowjob in a violent way and you both are used to the taste of shit in your mouth. It's a love story just waiting to bloom.

Because Hugh Hefner can't remember what flavor of breakfast pudding he had this morning let alone the fact that every pair of eyeballs on this planet have seen Lindsay Lohan's freckled titty sacks so much that we could all draw them from memory on an Etch-A-Sketch, Playboy is writing her a check for almost $1 million to flash those saggy zombie tits in a cover spread called "The Last Nail In My Career's Coffin Has Nipples!"

TMZ says that Playboy originally offered LiLo $750,000 and she spit on that number, because she thinks her crusty nooks and crannies are worth at least $1 million. So Playboy came back with an unknown number that just under $1 million, and since her lawyer's firm doesn't accept rim jobs as payment, she snatched up that deal. They started shooting the spread this past weekend and E! News is hearing it's for the January 2012 issue (aka The Apocalypse of HoHan's Career Issue). E! is also saying that the entire spread will include zero nipples and zero shots of her bare ashcrotch (that fire was put out a long time ago).

Hustler and the producers of soft-core porn movies didn't even bother countering Playboy's offer since they know that in about 6 months they can get HoHan for a half bottle of Thunderbird and a small pile of sea jasper pebbles.

You know who should really get $1 million for this spread? The brave soul who has to burn their knuckles off while Photoshopping that mess. They have to turn LiLo's "candy corn shat out of hell's asshole" teeth into glistening white Chiclets. They have to brush away her bruises and use the shit out of the methadone tool to erase the meth from her face. Hugh Hefner is totally going to have to give that Photoshop artist the "Remember your training, and you will make it out alive!" speech from Starship Troopers. Reserve the Purple Heart for that Photoshop artist, because they're going to deserve it when all is airbrushed and done.

Spongebob's pet Gary is ready for next season's "Dancing with the Stars" - sybil

Runners-up:

Maybe someone should have explained the whole 'wiping front to back' to him more thoroughly? - TheBreakdown

Thanks to Madonna's generosity, her brother is no longer living under a bridge. - DeeDee

After surgery, John Mayer shows where they removed the cyst from the hole where all his words come from. - perky

via Break.com