For the zero percent of you who have covered absolutely every damn inch of yourself to look like it's Día de los Muertos on your face every day, Zombie Boy (born name: Rick Genest) has the perfect concealer if you don't want to scare the living life out of a future employer during a job interview or if you're sick of your one-night slam piece barfing up their hearts out of sheer fear when they wake up next to you in the light hours.
Zombie Boy, a model type and music video star (he was in Lady CaCa's "Born This Way") takes himself from "DUH! I WOULD!" to "I probably still would since I've always fantasized about humping my own nightmares" by scrubbing off Dermablend Leg and Body Cover. It's like seeing a time-lapse video of what you'll look like when you decompose in a coffin. Hot, I know.
Somebody needs to drop a box of this shit on Lindsay Lohan's doorstep. I was about to type that somebody should also do the same for Xtina, but this shit isn't going to work for her. Did you see how he easily wiped that mess off with just a towel? When Xtina's bodyguards have to peel her drunk face off of a club banquette, the last thing she wants is her face paint to come off. She'll stick with car lacquer and floor veneer.
If hos think Beyonce is wearing a pillow baby then they must think that Jessica Simpson is wearing a California King mattress baby, because she looks like she's carrying a fetus that is about the size of that baby sitting on the table. (Sidenote: Your suspicions are correct. That's fear bleeding through that baby's eyes and he's hoping Jessica Simpson doesn't smell the banana baby food on his breath. She'll mistake him for a bananas fosters dumpling and swallow him whole. It's happened before.) But Papa Joe seems to think in his Christian pimp head of his that the news EVERYONE already knows is worth some cheese (not that kind of cheese, Jessica, put your ladle away) and he wants the tabloids to drop it in his lap. Page Six put it like this:
Sources told Page Six that Simpson, with the help of her father/manager, Joe Simpson, refused to say she is expecting until she had a deal in place. The the singer/fashion designer and mentor on NBC’s “Fashion Star” had been shopping a deal to the celebrity weeklies to announce the news and sell the eventual baby photos. We’re told the Simpsons were asking up to $500,000 to close the deal.
And Jessica has been hiding an obvious bump in recent photos to keep showbiz’s worst kept secret. Last night OK! posted the cover story, “Yes, I’m Having A Baby.”
Papa Joe needs to slap himself straight to church if he thinks Jessica's stupid pregnancy announcement is worth half a million dollars. That heffalump heffa's obvious news isn't even worth 500 Chuck E. Cheese tokens (which can be traded in for a pizza slice). During her Newlyweds days, she might have gotten $500 and a box of titty cream for Nick, but not today. Bitch is a glorified cobbler who can't even cobble!
Not that kind of dolly. So you can close your open palm, because I don't have any tiny paper cups full of barbiturates with me.
It's been Lohan overload today and the only cure for Lohan overload is Dolly overload! Leave your shade at the door, fall back into Dolly Parton's beaded bosoms and gaze into the plasticized sun rising above her neck. Confirm for yourself that yes, lip liner around lip liner around lip liner is really the way you should decorate your lips. When you hold out your hands, Dolly will cry Silica gel tears that you can use to keep your beef jerky fresh.
These pictures of Dolly spreading natural talent and sheer beauty to her fans at the Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, FL is for all you hating whores out there who are constantly spewing shit like "But Michael, Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep are women of a certain age who are organically beautiful and aging with dignity." To which I say, aging with dignity is overrated!
Besides, contrary to popular belief, Helen and Meryl are way more high-maintenance than Dolly. While Helen is brushing her hair with an opal comb (5 minutes), Dolly is taking hers out of the box and plopping it on top of her head (2 seconds). While Meryl is taking a long hot shower (20 minutes), Dolly is cleaning herself using a paper towel and a few squirts of Windex. Shit, if you're in a rush, just drive Dolly to the corner of Colima Blvd. & Azusa Ave. and my cousins will Windex her AND your front windshield while waiting for the light to turn green. See. Dolly > Meryl
"Yes, I will bareback fuck you in a San Diego hotel room," said Ashton Kutcher to the forever fan whose beautiful tattoo was obviously written by a spambot - Videogum
If you hate your job and are looking for a job that you hate more to show you that your current job isn't that bad, go work for GOOP! - Lainey Gossip
The only thing this tells me is that Shia LaDouche needs a stunt double at all times - The Superficial
Weston Cage has a crazy way of showing the world that he's not crazy - Celebitchy
Matt Bomer needs help with getting his goods into a thong - Towleroad
I am ashamed to admit how many times I called a 555 number as a child. And by "child" I mean yesterday. - The Daily What
Miranda Kerr uses that old trick of hugging her bare boobs to sell jeans - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Rosie Huntington-Whitely uses that old trick of cupping her bare boobs to sell magazines - (site NSFW) Hollywood Tuna
Zachary Quinto is not using that old trick of cupping his bare boobs to sell this picture, but I wish he did - Just Jared
Another day, another set of pictures of a knocked up Beyonce walking her unborn golden child into a building - Popsugar
Amanda Seyfried in neck-to-camel toe Santa Fea chic - Popholic
Kat Von D and Avril Lavigne barfed all over Barbie - OMG Blog
JLo's publicist is so getting a bonus this week - ICYDK
Man nipples and a puppeh! - The Berry
Are we sure that "Macarena Lemos" isn't just Justin Bieber's drag name? - Moe Jackson
Nope, Wonky, sorry, your still filled with more hot air than that balloon - Hollywood Rag
The next time Beyonce is passing around the mic for fans to sing into and she comes across a soon-to-be mortified woman who is begging with every muscle in her face to not force this humiliation upon her and it looks like she's about to shit herself into a puddle of lukewarm embarrassment, Destiny's golden child should make her sing anyway, because that shit is funneeeee-oooooh-wooooooooh.
It didn't faze Beyonce, of course. She's used to it. Because just like this fan, Beyonce's best friend forever GOOPY Paltrow sounds like a deaf manatee warbling out doo wop while giving butt birth when she tries to sing one of her songs.
via Say OMG
Judge Stephanie Saunter told Lindsay Lohan in court yesterday that she has to complete at least 16 hours of community service in the morgue before her next hearing on November 2nd or else! TMZ says that LiLo told friends that she's really serious about her community service this time and she's going to go to the morgue every single day until her hearing to prove to the judge that all those other 5 million times she fucked up was just a fluke. LiLo was supposed to show up to the morgue at 8am today and since this is Lindsay Lohan I'm blogging about, you know what happened next.
LiLo's assistant called the morgue and told them she was going to be 10 minutes late. When 8:10 hit the clock, the morgue was still LiLo-less. At one point, a morgue worker thought they spotted her lying on a gurney, but when he threw an 8-ball at the floor, it didn't move. Not LiLo. But fuck up's greatest ambassador finally sashayed in at 8:40, but was quickly shut down and turned away for being late. LiLo immediately spread her cheeks, pulled an excuse out of her ass and threw it at her Twitter page:
With all of the stress and pressure from yesterday and today, I've never been so happy to go to therapy!!!! Also, I'm sorry for the confusion that I may of caused to those at the Coroner's office. Won't happen again, now I know where to go! Thank you for your help.
LiLo's rep said that she couldn't find the entrance and all of the media chaos made things confusing for her. The Coroner's office let the Probation Department know that she was late who in turn told Judge Stephanie. LiLo wasn't required to be at the morgue today, but TMZ seems to think that if she wants to show the judge that she's not thumbing her nose at authority, this is not how she should do it. I think we're way past the point of LiLo "thumbing her nose at authority." At this point, Blohan has grabbed authority by its nuts, chopped it into a fine powder and used her thumb to snort it up.
But I do love that this dumb bitch is trying to say that she couldn't find the front door for 40 minutes. If LiLo really wants to get to the morgue tomorrow, she just needs to put on the same make-up she put on yesterday (see above), call an ambulance, lay down on her living room floor and then wait for them to take here there directly!
11 years ago you were screaming "Dance, Billy, dance!" at Jamie Bell as Billy Elliot, and now suddenly you're screaming "Flick, Billy, flick!" at an all grown up Jamie Bell. 25-year-old Jamie, who is twirling his tongue on Evan Rachel Wood nowadays, was asked by British GQ what he thinks is a skill every man should put on his resume. If you can't see Jamie as anything other than a boy child who can dazzle any dancefloor with the shards of magic that shoot off of his toes when he dances, then you'll want to cover your eyes and think of white tutus. Because Jamie leaped through puberty and gets the hornies all the time now. Spread your legs, grab onto Jamie's handlebars ears and get some of this:
What's the best way to impress a woman?
Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let's cut to the primal - be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what's going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.
What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
What's the best penis I've ever seen?
No! Actually, what is the best penis you've ever seen?
[Collapses into laughter] That is a good question. The best piece of advice I ever received was "Don't fuck your publicist." Russell Crowe told me that. It's probably a smart move. [Both of his publicists are now in the room, attempting to bring the interview to a close] No! It's GQ!
What skill should every man have?
Skill? You know what I'm going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman.
You do realise you've got another publicist standing right behind you?
I don't care. A skill a man should have? Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area.
"In The Vaginal Area" really needs to be the title of Jamie's memoirs.
Jamie should've just tattooed FIRE-MAKING HETERO on his forehead for those out there who didn't get the point that he's a pussy-eating heterosexual man who crushes beer cans on his forehead when he's not taming the clit or making a fire. Jamie is so hetero that sometimes he crushes a beer can on his forehead while taming the clit and making a fire at the same time. We get it, Jamie. You've traded in pirouettes for pussy.
Jamie is right, though. I can only love a man if he knows how to eat a pussy. If he flinches when I scream, "YES! Eat that dick like a pussy!" at him, then I'm so not going to give him a good review on the customer satisfaction card he gives me afterward.
But really, isn't making a fire and orally pleasing a lady sort of the same thing. That's what it looks like in straight porn, anyway. The dude gets really close to the lady's coochie, handles it gently with his fingers at first and then rubs it really, really hard while blowing on it. I always wait for him to use a mirror to shine sunlight at her coochie so it starts to spark and he can finally make s'mores on it later.
The only part of cunnilingus that is not like making a fire is when the dude spits on her clitoris. I know I've said this before, but for why must he do this?! That is not sexy. Unless the clit is dull or he sees the face of Michael Lohan on it, he shouldn't spit at it! Have some common courtesy!
Since Lindsay Lohan can't even get a job scaring the bowels out of a bitch with her "Ayes Snort Your Brainz" face at Knott's Scary Farm, White Oprah needs somebody to be the main coke winner of the family since the ball of Vicodin mash in her head gets an allergic reaction every time it thinks of getting a real job to support her family. And the only cure for that allergy is to a shove a Neti Pot full of vodka up the swollen anus on her nose. Who's going to pay for her medicine?! That's where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in.
As you've already laughed your lungs out, Ali was signed to NEXT Model Management back in August and was called a future fashion icon by her agent (who obviously said this after staring deep into the crystal meth ball). And now here's the future of fashion ("But I want to live in the past..." - fashion) on something called Fault Magazine with a rayon dutch boy wig on her head and an ear full of White Oprah screaming at her to pose faster, because they need to get to the plastic surgeon's office so he can make her even skinnier by lipoing out the fatter pieces of her soul.
I pains me to say this, especially as a Barbizon alumni, but some of these pictures aren't as awful as I'd think they would be. Yes, in some these shots she looks like a malnourished Gorn in Blade Runner drag. But the freckled wonder sort of pulls it off in other pictures.
This is still a freckled-splattered wrong and White Oprah should be charged under the anti-terrorism act. I mean, this photo shoot is funding the Lohan's famewhoring ways. Case closed!
Next week: WORLD EXCLUSIVE! IT'S OVER! Kingston's first heartbreak after Shiloh refuses to smell his booger. (True story: That's the reason why my last relationship ended.)
Lindsay Lohan is one flash closer to dethroning Khia as the mug shot queen (and also one flash closer to becoming the new Faces of Meth timeline) thanks to this glamour portrait she posed for yesterday afternoon after Judge Stephanie Sautner took back her probation again and ordered her into a pair of handcuffs (which I hope she stole and stashed in her chonies to sell on eBay later). This is the sixth (the fifth one we've seen) picture of pride that is sitting inside of a frame on White Oprah's mantel. I have to say this isn't LiLo's best work in front of the mug shot camera. You can give better mug shot, bitch!
The good news is that somebody took a Baby Wipe and some Desitin to those diarrhea streaks that were scooted on her cheeks. The bad news is that this is some Who Ya Gonna Call? shit. Bitch looks like she should have one of those red NO symbols over her for several reasons. It's like Lurch time warped into the early 80s for some good coke. One cheek is stepping to the left and the other cheek is stepping to the right.
Meanwhile, as soon as LiLo stomped on the floor of the courthouse, out came a pussy-kicking roach who ran straight to the media to give his expert opinion on why his daughter's teeth look like she's rinsing her mouth out with the water from a broken toilet in a rest stop bathroom. Michael Lohan said this to Jane Velez-Mitchell on her HLN (via Radar) show yesterday:
“She’s an addict, she doesn’t care and she’s in denial. She’s smoking either crack or meth, either one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. I want her in a treatment program for a year. Nothing is going to change in her life. She’s going to be appearing before judges in the future if she doesn’t get help, instead of doing community service in the morgue she’s going to wind up in the morgue."
I'm not one to defend LiLo's dumb bitch crack antics, but if I had a father who looked like the dried foreskin from a turtle's dick and couldn't stop opening his trash hole to the media about what a fucked up mess I am, I would permanently move into a sauna that only puffed out crack smoke. Oh, fuck me in the think hole, I just gave LiLo an idea.