Archives

If you've had your tongue on Sean Penn's golden raisin taint as he yammered on about saving Haiti, you too would try to cleanse your brain of that terrifying memory by spinning on the dick of grown men who used to be child actors. That's pretty much what ScarJo is trying to do. ScarJo has already bounced her chichis on the face of Kieran Culkin and now UsWeekly is saying that she can answer the question: "What does the inside of Joseph Gordon-Levitt's mouth feel like?"

The details from UsWeekly as every trick who cried snot tears during 50/50 screams out, "Third rock from the NOOOOO!!!!":

Scarlett Johansson was spotted making out with 50/50 star Joseph Gordon-Levitt in NYC last month. "They were kissing," an eyewitness tells the new Us Weekly, on stands Friday. "They were very lovey."

It wasn't the first time Johansson, 26, and Gordon-Levitt, 30, hit the town together. The duo dined at Hundred Acres in NYC's SoHo area in late July.

Although a source tells Us that Ryan Reynolds' ex and Gordon-Levitt have been "discussing a project for a while [but] have never kissed," another insider explains, "They first met about a film they wanted to do together, but it's gone beyond that now."

One of ScarJo's friend says that it was just a kiss, which is polite talk for "She's a slut." But really, it was just a damn kiss. Maybe ScarJo was telling JGL that she can't get the rancid taste of Sean Penn's old nuts out of her mouth and he was curious to see what she was talking about. Who knows.

ScarJo really doesn't have a type, though. Bitch went from Ryan Reynolds to Sean Penn to Kieran Culkin to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Four of these are not like the other. You better watch out, because ScarJo may get on your favorite white actor to fap to next. Where ScarJo's coochie will stop next, nobody knows.

In case you haven't already chewed off a glow stick to this, here's RiRi's video for "We Found Love" which is like Trainspotting wrapped in Requiem for a Dream wrapped in every episode of Skins wrapped in ho shit wrapped in the vomit that comes out of your mouth when you eat nachos while high on Ecstasy. It's an ass-to-ass and dead baby on the ceiling scene away from being a copyright infringement lawsuit!

But seriously, everybody is already putting up their magnifying glasses to this and dissecting all the pieces of it. They say the hot boxer/model dude, Dudley O'Shaughnessy, is a Fist Brown look-alike and so this is obviously like looking into their relationship through a kaleidoscope. You know, it's all about how sometimes the stupid hugs your heart when you're in love and it makes shit out pills, take baths in your damn clothes, dance on top of fast food tables and swallow the smoke load from the one you love.

But the bigger issue here is that RiRi barfs up ribbons. The bitch barfs up ribbons. Do you know how many asshole hos are going to get drunk at parties, shove ribbons in their mouth holes and then barf it up for a picture they plan to post on their Tumblr? We've had planking, owling, coning and now we're going to have ribboning. Thanks, RiRi. I'll curse your name as I pick up saliva ribbons off of my living room floor after a party.

This gold diamond beauty may have the face of a perfect glamorous angel whose air kisses taste like lip liner and money, but she has the heart of an ice-blooded evil monster. Patrizia Gucci was sentenced to 29 years in prison back in the 90s after she successfully ordered the hit of her ex-husband Maurizio Gucci, heir to the Gucci fortune, because she wanted more alimony. Patrizia is up for parole and when she went in front of the board at San Vittore jail in Milan, she said something that is the hottest and yet cuntiest thing I've heard today.

"No thanks as it would mean getting a job and I have never worked a day in my life. I would prefer to stay in my cell and water my plants and take care of my ferret."

I don't know whether to slap that crazy bitch or slap myself for loving her.

via Daily Mail

Ashley Greene, or as you know her as "?????", lives inside of a glistening bubble fresh out of delusion's ass where she truly believes that the paparazzi just magically show up without her calling them and she's as big of a tabloid star as Brangelina. Ashley said in the new issue of Allure Magazine (via UsWeekly) that the non-love triangle between she, Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato was basically the Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston love triangle for the potty training set. Ashley headbutted the clouds as she said this:

"I'm really happy that she's (Demi Lovato) doing well. She and I never had a problem with each other, but, you know, it doesn't go away. Jen Aniston still gets asked about Angelina Jolie."

"Ashley, please tell me your thoughts on Demi Lovato," said absolutely fucking no one.

Ashley really makes hallucinating seem fun. Ashley, when you're done with that blunt of shredded delusion, please pass it here, because I'd really like to see this pimple on my chest as a third nipple everybody's getting in line to suck. Then, you can go to the section marked "HO, SIT DOWN" and get comfortable. You're going to be there a while.

Carla Bruni birthed out the first child born to a ruling French leader since that Napoleon dude, but I'm just using that news as an excuse to once again post this picture of her with the light of my life! Carla better name her new daughter Chantal Booya Sarkozy - People

It's like looking at the Charlie's Angels cast (the Drew Barrymore one) after dropping massive amounts of homemade acid - Lainey Gossip

Obama speaks for the people when it comes to the Kardoucheians - The Superficial

Four-wheeler doggy loves leaves - Towleroad

When you see it, you won't unsee it - The Daily What

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher might not even be married legally - Celebitchy

When are we going to find out that Kim Kardashian's dresser used to be a professional sausage caser? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

If Hilary Duff is also going to carry her human baby in a pet bed taco, then she'll make a wonderful mother - Hollywood Tuna

7 reasons to hate humanity - The Berry

In sickness (but not depression because we don't get that) and in health, til death by Xenu throwing you into a volcano do you part - Just Jared

Kristen Stewart bit down on her lip a little too hard during filming of So What and the Seven Dwarves - ICYDK

Kate Hudson's brown wig was just a brown wig - Popsugar

Maria Menounos looks about as thrillingly exciting from the side as she does from the front - Popoholic

The ass on Joe Gorga's bottom is more attractive than the ass on top of his neck - OMG Blog

America is butchering Misfits now - Videogum

And a million line judges are cackling at Serena Williams' Alopecia wig - Crunk + Disorderly

Meet the man who can knock your jaw straight out of your skull by teabagging you - SOW

Shut the fuck up, JLo - I'm Not Obsessed

The lucite gods will forever hate me for thinking this washed-upon-the-shore trick was Shauna Sand - Cityrag

Michelle Pfeiffer is looking good - Hollywood Rag

Some doctors might say that I burned away most of my brain cells from watching every season of Footballers Wives at least 12 times and from snorting the insides of a Dexatrim pill as a dare once. But the truth is that they all ate themselves out of madness from working retail during holiday times and listening to the same 15 damn stupid Christmas songs over and over again.

This song, that is already #1 on iTunes, will join the evil army of yuletide melody terrorists this holiday shopping season. It's Jason Mraz burping repeatedly as a lesbian beaver from up north breathes out mistletoe(and cameltoe)-killing note after mistletoe-killing note. It will ruin your holidays. It will also be the reason why you'll have no gifts to give to your loved ones this year. Every time this mess comes on in a store, you'll have no choice but to punch everything and everyone in the aisles as you run out of there to crash head first into the nearest tree. Your loved ones will understand. It's a natural tick.

Also, note to Justin Bieber: When the shawty you're calling a shawty is about as shawty as you, you shouldn't call her a shawty. You should call her an astallasme-ey, or something.

via The Hairpin

And here I was thinking that the mythical ripped stallions of pure beef from the magical land of the International Male catalog were not real creatures that existed in life, but then Joe Mangliaonowhatevernamesarecheap proves me wrong once again by bringing out his He-Man doll body in Hawaii yesterday. You know, normally I prefer my pieces the same way I prefer my Slim Jims, long, lean and mute, but staring at Joe's steel cum gutters... Oh, who the hell am I trying to fool with this "I prefer" shit. I prefer anything that doesn't suddenly remember he has a kidney stone to pass when he grabs onto my lonjas before making the love.

Judge Stephanie delivered the quote of the year and deserved a round of slow claps when she looked at Lindsay Lohan's lawyer in court today and said: "She is supposed to be an actress, from what I hear." Judge Stephanie probably practiced that word slap in front of a compact mirror in her chambers all damn morning and she deserves all the Emmys for it!

After Judge Stephanie pretty much set fire to every shit excuse that LiLo's lawyer threw out for why she didn't show up to her community service at the Women's Center and why she skipped out on her court-appointed therapy sessions, White Oprah's main ho stroll ho got her probation snatched away from her and was taken away in handcuffs in front of the cameras. There's your holiday card!

Judge Stephanie threw a shady eye at the Probation Department for giving LiLo a gold star report when she barely completed any community service hours and said that she found the Women's Center not "fulfilling" enough for her. The Probation Department moved LiLo to the Red Cross to do her community service, but Judge Stephanie says that they didn't have any right to do that and the hours she completed there will not count.

LiLo's bail was set at $100,000 and once White Oprah finishes giving a handjob and tongue lick to the bondsman in the parking lot of the courthouse, she will be released. LiLo's probation violation hearing has been set for November 2nd. She could get over a year in jail, but that's not going to happen due to overcrowding.

She'll also have to complete at least 16 hours a week at the morgue before the hearing. Haven't the dead bodies been through?! Well, at least there's a chance she'll find whatever is left of her career there.

You know, I'm saving all my exclamation points for when (and if) she ends up in jail. You know that shit's not going to happen. This is just a repeat from last time. Judge Stephanie goes hard on LiLo, threatens that she's going to be eating cell mate snatch behind bars and it never happens. LiLo ends up fucking the justice system in the ass without lube and she's back out on the streets buying "quartz" from mineral street merchants. THIS WILL NEVER END!

But more importantly, that live feed should be used in schools as a PSA to promote a drug free America. Bitch's eyeballs were TWEAKING out of their sockets so hard that it made me feel like I just put meth drops in my own eyes. It's like tiny tweekers were operating her eye muscles for her.

And with those zombie shit stains on her cheeks, she looked like the Cryptkeeper on the wrong kind of tina. (FYI: the wrong kind of tina = crystal meth and the right kind of tina - the music of Tina Louise)

The poster mess for Teeth of Meth and the trick who makes not giving a fuck looks like a profession is back at her home away from the crack house today to face Judge Stephanie and possibly face a year in the chokey for caring about her community service sentence the same way she cares about scraping the meth smegma off of the rotting nails in her mouth. TMZ has the best live stream that I could find in case you want to play a drinking game with yourself by downing a shot of dirty crack pipe water every time she rolls her eyes. You better have the number of White Oprah's favorite back alley doctor on speed dial, because you'll probably be drinking yourself to an overdose since I just saw her roll her eyes thrice in a row.

UPDATE: I've thrown in a few pictures of LiLo sashaying onto Lady Justice's stage while keeping it demure in the color of innocence. I'm a little disappointed that LiLo didn't violate the media's idea of courtroom decorum by showing up with her titty cleavage and hard nipples out again, but I am mostly disappointed with the shit she scooted all over her cheeks. Drop the gavel and drag her to the prison showers, because that make-up does count as indecent exposure. That shit on her face looks like a bronzer skidmark. Bitch has got Xtina dirty panty face and that's not right.

That headline does make it sound like Mariska Hargitay and Viola Davis adopted one baby friend together, and will either move into one house to raise their baby together or will pass the baby back and forth like a divorced lesbian couple that was never together in the first place. That headline is dipped in wishful thinking, because I'd like to think that there's a baby friend out there who will get dazzled by Mariska's sparkly maple syrup highlights one minute and then get lost in Viola's Lauryn Hill impersonation (I really thought that was Lauryn Hill in the picture above) the next. But nope! They each adopted their own globs of slobber.

Mariska and her husband Peter Hermann adopted a newborn son over the summer, just six months after they adopted their daughter Amaya Josephine. Mariska's adoption application must have been notarized with the wet kiss of St. Angie, because a week after their paperwork processed they got the call. Mariska tells People, “We never in a million years thought it would happen this quickly, but something inside of us knew that this was right, and we said, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’" Mariska and Peter gave their second son (they have another son named August) the boring ass name of Andrew Nicolas Hargitay Hermann. Expect them to form a toddler pop group called The Three As in a few years.

Viola and her husband Julian Tennon also told the celebrity magazine equivalent of an IT'S A GIRL! garage door banner, People, that they adopted a newborn girl like six seconds ago. They named her Genesis after Genesis from The Real World: Boston, I'm assuming! I can't wait until Viola's Genesis is old enough to plaster her own Genesisisms on the wall of her living room just like the reality jewel she was named after.