NO! Madge wishes! This is the ghost of Lindsay Lohan's future (LiLo wishes!) Courtney Love scarring and scaring the students at Trinity College as she graciously accepts an honorary patronage of the pharmaceutical society (the photo agency tagged it as the "philosophical society" for some weird reason) in Dublin tonight.
The air in the theater was thick with crazy and queefs that contained an undertone scent of metal, and one member of the audience remembered to return his Planet Earth DVDs when he watched Courtney stumble across the stage like an albino otter with mange trying to swallow a catfish head whole. But believe or not, nobody ran out of the theater screaming for their Jesus, because Courtney gave them everything.
In this picture, Courtney showed the audience what most sober people do when they come across her in the wild in broad daylight. In this picture, Courtney is telling everyone to sit very still and not move, because she thinks she saw a coke granule float into the room on a sliver of wind. In this picture, Courtney forgot that she was in a room full of people and did some sucio shit that took 5 Catholic priests and a gallon of whiskey to cleanse off of the stage floor. In this picture, Courtney passed out again while standing up as her nose punctured a new hole in itself for air. Finally, in this picture, Courtney's complex thoughts became too much for her brain to take and she could feel it trying to slip out through her nostril holes. She can feel it! Can't you see it? She can feel it!
What I'm trying to say is that this fucked up bitch gave everyone a whore de force performance! This looks like a corner crackie performing a one whore version of The Birds for the hobos in the park. Courtney is playing Tippi AND the birds. The audience better have stood up and did what the free clinic doctor does after Courtney asks why her coochie looks like that: CLAPPED! Because Court gave them a show! Court also gave them nightmares to take them through the new year, which is why she was kind enough to sell them all sleeping pills she smuggled in from England. Courtney is a one woman EVERYTHING!
These are the facts: Harry Belafonte is 84 years old and was forced to pull his sleeping bones off of his Tempur-Pedic to move his tired lips while talking about some HBO documentary to local news stations across the country yesterday morning.
This is also a fact: Reading that sentence probably lulled you into a deep keyboard nap like you just orgasmed while swallowing a cup of MSG. WAKE UP!
Okay, so because of the second fact, you can completely understand why Shari Belafonte's father slipped into a nap while waiting to talk to Eyewitness News in Bakersfield, CA. Besides, oldies are master nappers. They're almost better than cats at napping.
They wake up in the morning, sit up, slip their house shoes on and take a quick nap while sitting up. They wake up again, grab a glass of water on the bedside table and take a quick nap with their hand still on the glass. They wake up for a third time, take a sip of water and take a quick nap with the water still in their mouth. They wake up for a fourth time, swallow the water and take a quick nap again. By the time you've washed your pits, slipped on your tuxedo onesie for work and ate an entire carafe of coffee, your pepaw hasn't even gulped one sip of water.
You know what else oldies are good at? Lying about taking naps! Harry's rep is trying to say that he wasn't going mimi times, he was meditating. Ommmmmmmmmmmyoulying!
"After weeks of literally hundreds of interviews promoting his HBO documentary [Sing Your Song], memoir and CD, Mr. Belafonte had an early morning satellite TV tour this past Friday. His earpiece wasn't working, so he decided to take the time to mediate before the rest of his Day-O.
Mr. Belafonte is 84 years young, but sharper and more awake than most who have been interviewing him. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people took a moment to meditate."
Don't nap in our eyes and call it meditating! This is like my abuelita saying that she wasn't sleeping, she was quietly praying to her lord and savior to save my brat soul. Yeah, and I'm sure that wasn't snoring. The power of prayer blew the holy ghost right out of her nostrils. I know I'm gonna get it for that one....
Put your hand on your Lisa Frank folder and brace yourself as you gaze into the back of the heads of Sanrio's chosen twins whose faces are probably identical to that of Hello Kitty and Kerokerokeroppi, respectively - Popsugar
Dear Boston, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are still bumping in your town - Lainey Gossip
Kellan Lutz loves hugging his gay fans and I'm sure those gay fans who now have broken arms bones do not love hugging Kellan Lutz - Towleroad
This Laura Vandervoort person has been eating way too much mercury - Popoholic
Haven't cheetahs been through enough? - Hollywood Rag
Ashley Greene in Allure - The Berry
It's fitting that Kim Kardashian's earrings look like a silver petri dish full of genital warts - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Sneeeeeeze off - Cityrag
David Gandy assumes the position on Details - Celebitchy
I nightmared a nightmare that Anne Hathaway was cast as Fantine in the Les Miz movie - ICYDK
On this very special episode of.... - SOW
Oh. - I'm Not Obsessed
Cackling children + flaming baby dolls = the epilogue to my nightmares - Videogum
Six words: The Real Housewives of South Boston - OMG Blog
An actress is suing Amazon.com in federal court in Seattle for more than $1 million for revealing her age on its Internet Movie Database website and refusing to remove the reference when asked.
The actress is not named in the lawsuit filed Thursday that refers to her as Jane Doe. It says she lives in Texas and is of Asian descent and has an Americanized stage name.
The lawsuit accuses IMDb of misusing her personal information after she signed up for the industry insider IMDbPro service in 2008. Shortly thereafter, she noticed her legal date of birth had been added to her public acting profile. She requested that it be removed and IMDb refused, the lawsuit says.
“If one is perceived to be ‘over-the-hill,’ i.e., approaching 40, it is nearly impossible for an up-and-coming actress, such as the plaintiff, to get work as she is thought to have less of an ‘upside,’ therefore, casting directors, producers, directors, agents-manager, etc. do not give her the same opportunities, regardless of her appearance or talent,” the lawsuit states.
While she loses opportunities because of her age, she’s also missing work because of her youthful appearance, the lawsuit says.
“Plaintiff has experience rejection in the industry for each “40-year-old” role for which she has interviewed because she does not and cannot physically portray the role of a 40-year-old woman,” the lawsuit says.
The online retailer and its movie database subsidiary, both based in Seattle, are accused of breach of contract, fraud, and violation of privacy and consumer protection laws.
The lawsuit seeks $75,000 in compensatory damages and $1 million in punitive damages. (Chicago Sun-Times)
The picture I used is of the intergalactic space blossom Bai Ling playing peek-a-pretzel and I'm only using it because when one comes across a picture of Bai Ling playing peek-a-pretzel one must use up his bandwidth by posting it. This blind item has nothing to do with Bai Ling, because: a) intergalactic space blossoms whose mommy is the north star and whose daddy is the big dipper don't age; and b) The only time Bai Ling was in Texas was when she answered an alien call that Shelley Duvall sent out using an old CB radio and wire hangers wrapped in foil.
This crazy bag of delusion is a "lesser-known" Asian actress from Texas, so I'm guessing that even if her name was served to me on top of a pepperoni Hot Pocket I wouldn't know who she is. But mostly because whenever a Hot Pocket is served to me, I just jam it in my mouth without inspecting it first. This is obviously a crazy who is not known and whose biggest claim to TV fame is that she once sat in the top bleachers during an episode of Friday Night Lights.
Or maybe she threw in the "Texas" and "Asian" thing to throw us off and it's really CZJ.
Film set. Recently. She’s shooting a sex scene. Walking around set in her bra, no shirt on, panties, standard attire, nothing unusual about it...
Except that her children were there that day. They were visiting. And it was no thing, you know? That was her costume. They saw her in his costume while they were there. And then she sat them behind the monitor so that they could see her work and they watched while mom worked with another actor - she rubbed up against him, he returned the rubbing, she made love for pretend, for the movies, to a man that was not the father of her children, in front of her children.
I’m sure over 90% of you are all huffy and tutty about this and have been since the start of the 2nd paragraph. “It’s so inappropriate, it’s so bizarre, these people are sick f-cks”, etc etc etc. Me I’m still trying to decide. Part of me understands the huffing and the tutting. And the other part, well, it’s worth huffing and tutting over in real life, for civilians, because that’s simply not part of that world. (Lainey Gossip)
Fishsticks Paltrow and Mark Ruffalo?
Kumquat and Amram have seen their mother lick and read sonnets to her wood-burning outdoor pizza oven, so I'm sure seeing her do a fake love scene isn't going to traumatize them more than they already are.
Today's definition of "too easy" is the e-mail that farted into my inbox with the subject: "Video: Anderson Cooper's Cell Has Fecal Bacteria On It!"
I have come up with three explanations for this (literal) shit:
1. The Silver Fox's BlackBerry (more like BrownBerry) is a bareback top who really needs to wear a Trojan cell phone cover more often.
2. Mah Boo just learned a valuable lesson: you should always rinse with Listerine after you eat ass and before you use your phone.
3. It vibrates, and I'll leave it at that.
At the NYC premiere of Margin Call last night, Zoe Kravitz, Cuntsantine Mouralis, Kevin Spacey, Stanley Tucci and Penn Badgley all threw kernels of popcorn at Demi Moore's ass of veiny bones, hoping that she'd use the butter to slip off her wedding ring and pawn it off to buy a 20-course meal at a diner that doesn't serve anything that hasn't been deep fried in lard and Ensure first.
UsWeekly says that when Demi showed up last night, everyone checked their tickets to make sure they were at the premiere party for Margin Call and not at a viewing party for the new season of The Walking Dead. One witness said, "Everyone was remarking how thin Demi was, more so than usual. he seemed in a decent mood though, even a little happy to be there."
I was beginning to think that all of this was just an elaborate publicity stunt for Kabbalah and Demi and AssStain's marriage would eventually become stronger than ever to show the world the power of the red string, or some shit like that. But then I see pictures like this of her looking like she hooked herself up to a lipo machine, set it to LeAnn Rimes and let it suck the tissue off of her bones as she cried out whatever nourishment was left in her body.
Somebody tell Demi: Don't fill yourself with sadness, fill yourself with dick and sugar instead. Bitch needs to get herself an 18-year-old piece of hotness who isn't allergic to hazelnuts. I say that, because it would be a total drag if his dick broke out into hives after she smeared Nutella on it. Actually, maybe it wouldn't be. I mean, wouldn't the dick hives make things a little more interesting if you know what I mean? It'd be like fucking a Lego dildo!
To echo TMZ's headline: Youuuuuu got arrested!
On the day that the DVD of his new movie comes out, the mutant secret hate child of a snail on meth and Ashy Larry was put into handcuffs and shuffled off to a police station in Temple, GA this morning after the cops found a "ton of weed" and $70,000 cash in the car he was riding in.
I was wondering why I was never born into a Georgia family, kept a clean record and graduated first in my class from the police academy. Now I know why. Because if I was the arresting officer, I would've "confiscated" the weed party and cash as "evidence." Then I'd put on my serious police officer voice and let Soulja Boy know that my "daughter" is a major "fan" of his "music," so I'm going to make his morning by "letting" him go this time with just a verbal "warning."
I would've delivered that line with so many winks and quotation fingers that Soulja Boy would've thought I was putting a black magic curse on him via a face seizure and he'd never speak of this again!
Soulja Boy and the 4 other dudes who were also arrested are currently sitting in a cell, waiting to be charged. You know, they should go ahead and keep Soulja Boy indefinitely for being an accessory to this act of wrong:
The pat-and-peel Cracker Jack tattoos on the bargain basement Sam Merlotte!
The hot doorway dance moves (you know I love doorway dancing)!
The shower sex scene that looks like two crawdads steaming to death in a glass pot on a car-powered hot plate!
The bobbies shooting at bitches for robbing a convenience store!
The bobbies and their shit aim!
The bathroom stinking up worse than shit marinated in asparagus piss thanks to Brit Brit spraying that perfume around!
The raw emotional acting that should win several lifetime achievement Oscar Mayer awards!
Those are just some of the thoughts that jumped out of the broken toilet in my head while watching Brit Brit's video for "Criminal." If it was up to Brit Brit, the video would be 6 minutes of her reenacting Natural Born Killers with animal crackers, so this is twenty steps up from that. The only thing this is missing is a scene at the beginning of SPF in a jailbird outfit playing a Velveeta cheese flute as Officer Bit Bit looks on. (Never Forget Bit Bit.)
Shia LaDouche and the Kingdom of the Cracked Skull played on the streets of Vancouver over the weekend when Even Stevens took several blows to the head from a fat, hairy, topless dude. Yes, that does sound like the disappointing grand finale of a 2-star gay porn that will leave sitting up in bed with your laptop on your bare thighs, peach lotion in your hands, a light shade of azure covering your nutsack and a Post-It note tacked to the outside of your brain reminding you to never trust the porn recommendations of a friend whose go-to fap material is a scene from Fight Club. There's nothing worse than the walk of shame from your bed to the bathroom when you've got nothing (read: cum hands) to show for it except for a lotion-stained laptop and a frowning peen hole. Moving on...
Shia LaBeouf's resume just got another line added to it under: extracurricular douchetivities. Shia's impressive credits already include a DUI, a drunken meltdown in the middle of a Walgreens, a handful of bar brawls and outside of Cinema Public House in Vancouver he added "get face checked by a drunk fat bitch" to that list. TMZ says that Shia got into a brawl of words with the punch thrower inside of the bar and after they were both kicked out, the hairy dude ripped off his shirt and went after him. That fat bitch punched Shia like he was a plain salad with no blue cheese dressing.
(Side note: Why do assbags always have to rip their shirts off before they issue a beatdown? It's like the dick bag equivalent of the Hulk t-shirt rip. Do they think it makes their stupid asses look scarier? Or maybe they don't have an in-unit washer dryer, so they're not about to add another piece of clothing to their laundromat pile because they got the blood of Shia on it. I can understand that.)
Shia was finally saved by a poking crutch and another dude who really wanted to hug the rage out of him. Radar says that before this fight, Shia got into two other bar brawls at two different places.
Shia, get yourself together, girl! Doesn't Shia know that every time he guzzles the sweet nectar to the point that it brings out the skid mark rage in him, his hot sessy mother has to grab him by the ear, drag him home and spank the foolery right out of his naked nalgas?! Oh, wait. So that's what this is all about!
Someone better have remembered to put the fucking lotion in the basket or else Buffalo Bill is gonna get a sunburn. - minusbangs
It is the year 2060 and Lindsay Lohan finally shows up for community service. - Rocket
Looks like the lawn isn't the only one who would benefit from some Miracle Grow - Migraine Sally
Fed up with her stoned tweeting, Frances Bean puts Courtney to work mowing her lawn for $20 a week. - snowball
via Poorly Dressed