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Lindsay Lohan is breaking her legendary silence (I meant the opposite of that) to address all the false (read: true) reports that she's wet queefed in the face of the courts by telling community service to eat her fuck and by not showing up to her court-ordered therapy sessions. LiLo went on Twitter and once again played her greatest role yet: the ho who works, has a shit to give and does everything the court has told her to do without being a sharp thorn in everyone's dick hole. LiLo snorted out this delusion-tini with a chaser of self-entitlement:

I am not to be made an example of anymore. I am working hard and fulfilling my obligations every single day, to the court as well as myself. If I travel, its for work and its been approved. As is anything I do when I leave the state. I'd appreciate it if people will just let me do what is asked of me, so that I can get my life back. Please ignore the reports which have no truth to them. Thank you

You know.... at this point, everything this jank-toothed ho says sounds like this:

It all translates into: "Move that cone, I'm Lindsay Lohan!"

A note to whoever does the Photoshopping at Russian Vogue: use, don't abuse the OM NOM NOM NOM tool. Those bitches plucked out Adam Levine's chest fur and they were still hongray because they took a bite out of the douche by ripping half of his torso off! Bitch has no right torso! Who actually looked back at this picture and said out loud (I know you were going to read this in a Russian anyway since everything should be read in a Russian accent, but I'm telling you anyway): "Yes, this looks completely natural and it isn't weird at all that he looks like a topless SamRo after some lipo gone wrong shit ate half of her torso. PRINT! DA!!"

That being said, I still would even with a fucked up torso. Just give that bitch a weight to hold with his right hand to balance his ass out when he's on top.

Here's more of Adam with his girlfriend Anne V in Russian Vogue's very special shark attack victim issue.

Brenda Song is keeping her lips shut to public ears about whether or not her uterus is playing the lullaby version of the Mr. Ed theme song, but her now fiance Trace Cyrus is telling the world that the wedding march version of the Mr. Ed theme song will soon play in the Cyrus stables, because they're getting mare-eeeeeed! It's as Peter Shaffer rewrote Equus and gave it the happy ending it really deserves. The emo scarecrow let this out on Twitter today:

I am very excited to say, last week I asked my girlfriend Brenda Song to marry me and she said YES! We are both very excited to be engaged!

The thing about horse's being hung must be true, because why else would Brenda willingly marry into a fucked up family that is more horrifying than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family. I mean, at Thanksgiving she'll have Billy Ray on one side smacking on Corn Pops while he has a staring contest with her nipples and on the other side she'll have Noah Cyrus singing a Peaches song in between gnawing on a neck bone. But Brenda obviously liked it enough to put a rein on it, so congrats to her! And I, for one, can't wait for Mai Song's dramatic A STAIN ON THIS HORSE monologue about this mess.

via UsWeekly

The Shame (working title: A Thousand Michael Fassbender Sex Scenes in 120 Minutes) trailer is here - Lainey Gossip

If you smushed RiRi and Katie Price together - Hollywood Tuna

Kirstie Alley is trying to prove that you're never too old to beard - Celebitchy

Oh, that moving truck is just driving Demi Moore's bathroom photo shoot bikinis into storage for the winter - The Superficial

Celebrity Apprentice is scraping the bottom of the beaver's ass on Donald Trump's head with next season's cast (George Takei, Debbie Gibson and Cheryl Tiegs not included in that statement) - Towleroad

Throw some purple wings on Hayden Pantywhatever and she could be a Fairywinkle - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

First Ashton in Two and a Half Men and now Fred Durst in his own sitcom? The C in CBS officially stands for cuntbag - The Daily What

Katie Holmes as Slutty Pumpkin looks more like Katie Holmes as Annoying Ass Squash - The Berry

There's always a lady crossing her arms in the background with a THIS TRICK look on her face - Popsugar

Nicki Minaj on the cover of W Magazine's art issue - Just Jared

A highly-educational video on beautifying your eyebrow situation - The Hairpin

And thus the Gerard Buterling of Tom Hardy begins with shitty looking romantic comedy - ICYDK

Eva Longoria can hold a cup of coffee and open a car door at the same time - Popoholic

SHUT IT DOWN. Justin Bieber is multiplying! - Videogum

Wonky McValtrex gets a star.....on Poland's walk of whores....in some mall - Celebslam

Charlie's Angels are in cancellation hell now - SOW

Kitten fight club - Cityrag

Rick Ross had a seizure today - Necole Bitchie

Lindsay Lohan's court-ordered therapy sessions are going well too - I'm Not Obsessed

Brangie's Malibu mansion looks like some mess from The Sims - Hollywood Rag

Skydiving instructor and porn star Alex Torres (that's "Voodoo" to those of you who have a membership to Cum Fiesta) and Hope Howell (that name is just TOO perfect), the receptionist at the place he teaches at, took the Mile High Club (then the 0.7 mile high club, then the 0.5 mile high club) to a whole new level when they filmed themselves free fall boning above Taft, CA. Child birdies with innocent eyes don't fly to school until the afternoon, so Voodoo and Hope did the sky high porn version of Terminal Velocity (Terminal Velocitis?) in the morning hours to avoid people seeing them naked.

Voodoo uploaded that mess to his website in hopes that Howard Stern would throw him some attention, but he snatched it down as soon as the FAA opened up an investigation into this shit. Voodoo and HoWell didn't commit any illegal acts since the plane was private, but the FAA is trying to figure out if the pilot was distracted by airborne titties flapping around like two jellyfishes having a sneezing fit.

Never mind that Hope's probably got wind burnt labia and it sounded like a walrus whistling into a fan when they fucked, but how did they do it? Anybody who has seen Voodoo in action knows that he's about as hung as a cow tongue sandwich, but still. How did he keep it in with the wind trying to knock it out and shit? Either they used some kind of device to strap his peen into her cooch or homegirl's got a vagina that can suck the freckle off of a Lohan.

And if a pigeon happened to poop on your forehead while you were walking around the Taft area last week, you should know that wasn't pigeon poop.... You got Voodoo-ed.

via HuffPo

Do not let anybody tell you that a KFC family pack cake, 3 Subway $5 foot-longs, a half a bottle of orange juice, mayo packets, a trash can full of broken down cardboard boxes, Tracey Gold as The Grudge girl and a dining set from Ashley Furniture DOES NOT a party make. If they don't believe your ass just show them this picture of Kirk Cameron blowing to his 41 years on earth at an office birthday party whose budget was twice that than his movie Left Behind.

So what if those two ladies look like the happiness has been sucked from their beings and they would rather be 69ing a urinal or trapped in file cabinet field under fluorescent lighting. This is Kirk's big day and he's partying so hard that he's throwing up a dick. Or maybe he's sucking up an upside down dick. I know you see it. If you don't, then the power of Christ compels you to see it!

Source: Buzzfeed via The Hairpin

Pimp Mama Kris and her yellow ribbon pig Kim Kuntrashian are currently in Dubai to meet with several billionaire sheiks about possibly selling the younger Jenner girls since they aren't bringing in the dough fast enough, and last night they quickly stopped into a store to pose in abayas, niqabs and hijabs for the cameras.

You might be marking this day in your kalendars as the first time in famewhore history that Kim Kardashian actually covered her Close Encounters face for the cameras, but think about it. Uh huh. Kim getting her face covered in something for the cameras. That's what got us into this mess in the first place! Although, this is the first time in history that three abayas had to be sewn together to cover her dunes of despair ass.

For me, the only good thing that came from this post is that I found my new favorite site where I can learn how to curse a trick out in every language. Now I'm that much closer to achieving my goal of getting slapped in the face in every accent (yes, slaps have accents).

It's not often that Johnny Derp shows up to the premiere of a movie that wasn't farted out from the mind of Tim Burton, so he celebrated this rare and special occasion by wearing the same suit he always wears to every event and then he brushed his middle part mop with one of those fish bone combs from Heathcliff like he always does! The world is changing, but one thing that will never change is that somewhere at any point in time is Johnny Depp looking like a beach hobo who dressed up in a Boardwalk Empire costume to play the nutshell game with tourists in Atlantic City for gin money. Or like my Salvadoran uncle leaving a Chess King circa 1987.

Here's more of Johnny, Aaron Eckhart and Blake Johanasson (born name: Amber Heard) at the L.A. premiere of The Rum Diary last night. Since my brain hasn't evolved past the age of 11, I like to call it The Rum Diarrhea (that should be a drink!).

There's been so much foolish ugliness on Dlisted lately from Lindsay Lohan's meth lasagna mouth to the crazy bus memaw beating on a special needs kid, so I figured we could all use a heavy dose of demure beauty in the form of a potpourri pot full of England's finest rose Jodie Marsh! Exquisite doesn't even begin to describe....

Jodie left a London hospital, where she selflessly volunteers her time by being a human bouquet of flowers for the poor sickly, the other night and graciously blessed the lenses of several cameras with her Shroud of Pete Burns face. It's as if someone gently placed her head in one of those paint can shakers at Home Depot, turned it on and started throwing oil-based varnish and paintbrush bristles at her. The result is what a talking Real Doll would call, "iiiiiiinspiring."

Jodie's nose is what I think the penises of the angels look like in heaven. A penis with wings! And now we know why Ron Paul's brow wig tried to sneak off of his face. It heard of an eyebrow Shangri-La in the UK and it was about to start the journey toward it. If you see his eyebrow toupee sitting in coach on a flight to London, don't say a thing.

And if you want to share this beauty with your loved ones, FTD is offering a bouquet made of these pictures for a limited time. (Yes, I set up that STD joke for you. Happy Friday!)

While one Hollywood marriage is over because of multiple cheating scandals, another couple is using their debacle as an exercise in circling their own wagons. The second couple, who will be getting a divorce (despite their extensive denials), has had their legal teams reaching out to past and present paramours over the past few weeks to ensure that legal agreements are intact and that everyone is keeping their mouths shut. In some cases, the exes were reminded of confidentiality agreements with heavy legal penalties. In other cases, payoffs were made. You see, with this couple, revelations of extra-marital conduct would be devastating not only to their families but to their careers, since neither one is ready to come out of the closet yet. At least watching other blabbermouths come under scrutiny has had one positive effect on them: they’ve finally stopped bragging about their own fake sex life. (Blind Gossip)

Will & Jada (aka THEM AGAIN?)? We're going to be hearing about them whippin' their divorce papers back and forth until the end of time. I doubt they're going to do the big D deed anytime soon. I will do the naked Carlton Dance in nothing but a pair of CROCs to a Wicked Wisdom song in the middle of a Burger King in Bel Air if they get divorced in the next year. (FYI: That was not notarized, therefore it is not an official statement.)

Not-So-Fun Fact: A long time ago I hooked up with this dude I met at a club in L.A. and right before we were about to get down to it, he said to me, "So, what celebrities have you done? I've fucked 3 and two of them made me sign confidentiality agreements!" That exclamation point represents the smile his entire face made after he said that. Like it was his greatest accomplishment in life. Only in L.A. I used to think that hearing a dude make a loud diarrhea right before fuck times was the ultimate pre-sex boner killer, but I stood (more like laid on my back) corrected. It was the most disgusting and grossest thing ever. Yes, I still hit it, but I did the "I HATE MYSELF" cry for an extra five minutes while giving my crotch a towelette bath in my car afterward.

Rumor has it that this very conservative talk show host goes over seas to frequent the brothels for younger girls whenever he can get away…. (BuzzFoto)

Send Daryl Hannah after this sucio!

"Yeah, the producers asked me (C+ list actress with A list name recognition) to be on that show (hit network reality show featuring lots of couples who dance), but I told them no, because it was just not the way I see myself or feel would be beneficial to my craft as an actress. How is being on that show going to win me an Oscar? Plus, they don't pay enough and I am just way too busy with other projects. I have so much going on now and can't waste my time with something like that, but it is good for you (reality show brother) because you don't have a lot going on and the money is probably right for someone like you." (CDAN)

Lindsay Lohan and Rob Kardashian. Done.

This former star, but not winning female recent American Idol contestant is currently sleeping with a married executive of her record company and a married president of a company she met two weeks ago. Apparently our singer does not have many as in no female friends at all. I wonder why. (CDAN)

David Archuleta! Or Pia Toscano?

There’s a lot of money to be made in pregnancy. If you’re already famous, your public profile skyrockets even higher. You’ve got heat. You get more cover photos, more interview requests, more gossip column inches, more talk show appearances. You can expand your own product lines, as well as shill for products that were previously just out of your childless reach. Because, once you’re seen as a mother, you can add paragon of selflessness and motherhood and traditional family values to your resume. Even if you’re the most vain and selfish human being on the planet.

Yes, there’s a lot of money to be made in pregnancy. Even if you’re not as pregnant as you’re pretending to be. Even if you’re not pregnant at all. (Blind Gossip)

Beyonce or Jessica Simpson or both?