Elizabeth Hurley's marriage to that hot Indian billionaire completely died (like Hugh Grant's boner in Divine Brown's mouth after the police shined a light on his face) last year when the News of the World (RIP!) published pictures of her licking on a tongue belonging to Australian pricket (typo and it stays) player and kitty-faced Shane Warne. Shane was also married at the time, but just like Elizabeth, he said he and his wife had been separated for months. Elizabeth and Shane started face humping the fillers out of each other full-time and ten months later their asses are engaged to be married! Because that mess worked so well the first time. Elizabeth and Shane are now the overseas LeAnn and Eddie! Which is sort of fitting since if I kiss this bong again and squint my eyes, Shane looks like he was cut from the same piece of Falcor's taint as LeAnn.
The Daily Mail says that Shane slipped a sapphire and diamond ring (see below) on Elizabeth's finger at some restaurant in St. Andrews, Scotland last night after the Alfred Dunhill Championship. A source who witnessed Elizabeth and Shane getting pre-pre-divorced said this about the proposal:
"Shane proposed over dinner and it was fairly public, not a private affair.
It was a VIP crowd in there this evening. It was residents only, including Dunhill past players. He didn’t get down on one knee, but when it was announced the other guests in the restaurant stood up and applauded. Everyone there was absolutely delighted."
But the guests only applauded to hide the sound of the simultaneous queef they all let out over this news. And I'm sure that simultaneous queef lasted longer than Elizabeth's marriage to Shane will! No. I'm sure this one will stick. You know what they say (they don't say this). A marriage to a hot Indian billionaire never works, but a marriage to a dude that looks like a retired Thundercat who suffers from chronic menopause sweats will last forever!
Megan Fox in her natural state looks like a pore-less mannequin who uses liquefied plastic as a daily moisturizer, so there was no need for Armani to dull every tool in their Photoshop drawer on their new Christmas ads. Yes, CHRISTMAS. Whores are pushing us to buy Christmas gifts and some of us haven't even stuffed our moose knuckle-giving summer shorty shorts in the back of the closet yet. But what's even grosser than that is that they turned Megan into some sort of Voldemort Real Doll in a wig. Amber alert for that ho's nose! She's all nostrils. Maybe Armani knows something we don't know. Maybe they know that the aliens will take over our planet in a couple of months so they want them to feel at home with these ads.
Grab your prayer cloth, tell your local priest that you'll be sleeping in his confessional booth tonight and click over to TMZ to see seventeen-something Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old creepy husband Doug Hutchison pose in a photo shoot that will make you laugh to keep from crying as your skin crawls off of your body to throw itself in the garbage disposal.
In a completely staged photo shoot that looks like stills from a Tales of the Crypt episode inspired by Heidi and Spencer, Doug's teenage porn iguana bride shows off her trompe-l'oeil abs, exquisite arm bracelet, the spray tan that looks like it was applied with a Nerf gun and her pushed-up illegal titty balls that are being suffocated by a bikini top that is more padded than the room Courtney's mother should be thrown in. I also cannot ignore the fact that Beverly McClellan from The Voice needs to throw a copyright infringement lawsuit at Doug since it's obvious that he's stolen her entire image.
These pictures are so going to end up in an FBI's file in a couple of years when all of this does not end well. On a positive note, Courtney's magical ability to float along the sand in platform heels has earned her a coveted spot in Shauna Sand's royal court.
And since we've already fucked ourselves up by looking at this mess, let's fuck ourselves up all the way by listening to one of Courtney's "songs:"
I shouldn't joke, because this will probably become our new national anthem. It is the reason why the bald eagle cries.
Dancing with the Stars contestant Rob Kardashian is making a bombshell claim that a married celebrity on the show is having an affair with their married dance partner.
The reality star made the shocking comment Thursday morning on Mojo in The Morning.
Rob said, “I know some of the couples on the show — some of the celebrities that are married … and some professionals that are married, that are having an affair with their partner.”
Rob wouldn’t name names, but made it clear that he is not hooking up with his partner Cheryl Burke saying, “I’m not bringing that weirdness into our little circle.
Rob later took to his Twitter account to try to mitigate some of the damage: “As you guys can tell by my tweets, I tend to joke around a lot, and some of the things I said during an interview were taken out of context. I have nothing but respect for everyone who’s on DWTS. They know it and I know it and we all have a lot of fun together. :)"
It doesn’t sound like he was joking to us. Which Dancing With The Stars couple/s do you think are getting a little too close? (Blind Gossip)
Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus (Side note: Any last name that has the words "man" and "anus" in it is a candidate for the best last name in history), obviously! Just look at the heat. That's not a cup of ice water. That's a cup of lube and lube cubes. After Nancy's titty pepperoni came out to play last week, Tristan immediately went home, filled his bathtub with salami slices and threw his naked body in there. It's totally them.
No, it's not. Nancy Grace is a human torch of honesty and loyalty, so she would never! That leaves: Chynna Phillips & Tony Dovolani or David Arquette & Kym Johnson?
Or Rob could be putting those skills he learned at Pimp Mama Kris' Stunt Queen University to good use by talking out of his culo hole. More than likely.
Up until now, this celebrity in a troubled relationship has been using something other than her firstnamelastname as her identification on a social media site. It was a name of which she was proud. Well, that’s in the past now. She just put in a formal request to the site to obtain her professional name as her handle and to copy all the data from her old account to her new account. Sounds like she’s ready to move on. (Blind Gossip)
Gee (Yes, I just typed "gee" with a serious face), I wonder fucking who.
This B list R&B singer who has suffered silently as the mistress of this A list producer/celebrity for years seemed to indicate that the relationship has ended. She was overheard telling someone that, "He paid me off. Not enough, but he paid me. I should have made him pay for that baby he made me get rid of." (CDAN)
Even though Cassie wasn't even sitting on the B list when her nipple was splashed all over the internet, I'll guess her and Shiddy?
For years this Academy Award winner/nominee actress has supported her basically unemployed husband. She has found him work, got him meetings, and given him tons of money. How does he repay her? He gets a little success and then starts cheating on his wife with someone half her age. (CDAN)
I'm probably as wrong as wrong can be, but I'll go with Julia Roberts?
This former almost A list R&B singer is now closer to C. She is struggling to stay relevant and has spent a great deal of money promoting herself. Recently she has started paying paps $300 a day to meet her at certain times of the day to get "random" shots. They are so posed and ridiculous that paps are having a tough time even giving them away to the tabloids, but keep showing up for the money she pays. (CDAN)
Adina Howard. No, Adina Howard is forever and permanently on the A list and I wish there were paparazzi pictures of her. So I'll guess Basement Baby's basement-mate Kelly Rowland?
Giga Pet, America's answer to Tamagotchi!
You know, when Giga Pet first came out I was old enough to know better, but I still got one and it slowly ate at my nerves for days. I had the kitty one and it was my responsibility to keep that bitch alive by feeding it, bathing it and putting it down for naps. When it wasn't getting what it needed, it would not. stop. beeping. It was a one-way relationship and the only thing I got of out it was non-stop whining in the form of beeps waking me up in the middle of the damn night. Every Giga Pet should've come with the phone number for the nearest meth dealer, because that's what you needed to be on to take care of that whiny ass digital brat. After about a week, I abandoned mine by giving it to a friend and I'm sure that friend tossed that ho into the gutter after a few days.
My Giga Kitty probably somehow made its way to the Land of Giga Orphans where it joined the army of other abandoned Giga Pets and together they will destroy those of us who kicked them to the gutter. Hell is definitely a meta place where my soul will become my Giga Pet's Giga Pet.
(Click here if you can't see the video above or a dreaded ass commercial plays in front of it.)
Zach Galifianakis (42)
Dizzee Rascal (26)
Rupert Friend (30)
Heather Hunter (42)
Cindy Margolis (46)
Christopher Titus (47)
Mark McGwire (48)
Esai Morales (49)
Randy Quaid (61)
Stephen Collins (64)
Stella Stevens (73)
Julie Andrews (76)
Jimmy Carter (87)