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Because everybody but Papa Joe knows that a Jessica Simpson pregnancy announcement is worth about as much as a left-handed handjob from Captain Hook, not one tabloid magazine farted up the $500,000 he wanted for an exclusive so bitch had to give that shit away for free. In news that's about as surprising as Kim Kardashian's staged marriage falling into a trapdoor opened by Pimp Mama Kris, Jessica posted the above picture on her website and then announced the news everybody has known for weeks.

"It's True! I am going to be a mummy!"

Jessica's poor child isn't even out of the womb yet and she's already embarrassing it. First, bitch tries to sell the news that it's moved into her uterus and comes up with nothing. Then she delivers the BIG DUH for free on the same day Kim Kardashian's divorce shit is being spread all over the media. And finally, she announces it while looking like a flock of birds made several nests in her weave after she got tangled up in my old nursery curtains.

That fetus is holding its face in shame and won't let go until it turns 18. How is Papa Joe going to sell the baby pictures if Jessica's baby refuses to remove its hand from its face? Papa Joe's plans foiled again. I think I love Jessica's baby already.

QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: It's a half Halloween day for me, because I spent the weekend drowning in rainwater and rum in Florida and now I'm heading back to the land of black snow. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow! Whatever normal is! Now onto links:

Doug Hutchison takes WHAT THE FUCK to Psycho-like levels by dressing as his 17-year-old bride Courtney Stodden for Slutoween. It might take your eyes a few minutes to realize which is which. I'll give you a hint, the one that looks like a zombie turtle trying to chew on a piece of lettuce is the goddess Courtney. - The Superficial

Sophie Turner puts the ho in Pocahontas - Hollywood Tuna

Be right back, I'm joining Iran's football team - Towleroad

Why oh why didn't Eva Amurri wear her mother's Rocky Horror bra and slip as a wedding dress? - Popsugar

Nicole Richie as a bite-sized and shrunken JLo - Lainey Gossip

Justin Bieber's face twin turns on the damage control - Celebitchy

The world isn't right when all those Ohio zoo animals were shot down and this beast still terrorizes the earth - Hollywood Rag

A new Amy Winehouse album is coming - Just Jared

It's like The Walking Dead crashed into a beautiful pile of gorgeous - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

If this Nina Dobrev trick is trying to get me to call her the new Jane Fonda, it's not working - Cityrag

Katherine Heigl would be that bitch who shows up to a Halloween party without a costume on - ICYDK

Bitch Goes Down: The marriage proposal edition - Videogum

LiLo to get on her knees this Wednesday but not for the usual reasons - I'm Not Obsessed

Well, well, well... The same day Kim Kuntrashian files for divorce, her wedding night sex tape with Kris Humphries suddenly leaks onto the Internet - The Daily What

Marc Jacobs is going to try the acting thing - OMG Blog

How many tarantulas were murdered and de-legged for AnnaLynne McCord's lashes? - Popoholic

Eddie Vedder, just because - The Berry

....And I bet this extremely elegant bride's marriage is still going to last longer than Kim Kardashian's. I mean, in this day and age the true sign of pure love is pulling your phone out of your bridal tits to update your Facebook relationship status to "married" during the wedding.

via Buzzfeed

Why would someone get married simply to get divorced? Money. Fame. Her romances make the front page of every tabloid, and her weddings will make more money than they cost. Since she has no discernible talent, she will use what she has to make and stay in the headlines. She believes that a rotating door of romances and grooms will keep her in the spotlight long after most stars burn out. When you have such lofty ambitions, it helps to have lofty goals. Her close family and friends know about these goals (although many of them don’t approve). What are those goals? 1. Babies with more than one wealthy baby daddy. 2. More marriages than Elizabeth Taylor. (Blind Gossip)

I am not even going to waste two black bars on this mess since "the mountain of cash she offered me to fake marry her was dis big, so....." look in Kris Humphries' durr eyes say it all.

This actor may be one of the stars of a comedy series, but their behavior isn’t exactly making their cast and crew smile. The actor thinks that they are an expert about everything. The set, the lighting, the camera angles, craft service, the wardrobe, the script, table readings, and – worst of all – their costars’ performances are all fair targets to this person. Their opinions are frequently negative and unwelcome, and are making everyone uncomfortable. Somebody’s success has really gone to their head, and if they don’t shut the eff up, they are going to have one very unhappy cast and crew to deal with. Plus, they should remember that everybody is replaceable. Just ask Charlie Sheen. (Blind Gossip)

Just reading this blind item is making my nerves splinter the same way they do when I see Lea Michele's highly annoying face, so I'll guess her. Or Ashton Kutcher?

To me, this one is kind of sad. This actress was once a B+. Hit television show, celebrity boyfriend, top of the world. Now, she is probably down to a C, does primarily awful movies and has been wandering aimlessly for what seems like a year. She had some really bad publicity about that time and just has not quite got everything back together. Well, a few weeks ago she started seeing this actor who is A list but probably deserves to be C list because his acting is awful and his movies never make money. When I say she started seeing him, they saw each other one night and then had sex about four hours after meeting. It was like love at first sight for her, but for him, it was just a conquest and someone or something to do that night. Our actress has always latched on quickly to guys and it is one of the reasons she has not had the greatest success in relationships. Guys walk all over her. She tells her friends that she blames her childhood. Anyway, she has been following the actor for the past couple of weeks to everything he attends. She showed up unannounced at his place once, but after his reaction to that she stopped. When he sees her some place and no one else catches his interest he will take her to her place, have sex with her and then leave. If he sees someone else he likes he just ignores the actress and carries on with the other. It is really kind of creepy and kind of sad all at the same time. (CDAN)

Poor Mischa Barton... and... The Butler did it?

One of the most conservative and powerful media moguls in the world knows all right? So, he probably knows that his much younger wife prefers women right? Apparently there is a big payoff in the works for her latest conquest. Things got a little rough and her conquest got hurt. (CDAN)

Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng? I'm guessing the "got a little rough" part is about some fisting shit gone wrong. We all know how crazy Wendi gets with her fists.

Out of all the wigs that tried to quit a bitch during Today's ridiculous mess of a Halloween show this morning, why couldn't it have been the dull beaver's ass on top of Al Roker's head?

My nipples have the weirdest hard-on right now and my other parts that usually flutter when Prince Hot Ginge's name comes on my screen are so confused after watching Al Roker as Prince Harry. There is just so many thick layers of HUH?! here. Prince Hot Ginge would never walk into a LensCrafters unless it had a bar of contact lens cases full of vodka, so those glasses on Al Roker's face are historically inaccurate! The top of PHG's head naturally looks like a volcano erupting into an orgasm and so that sad piece of dusty rust carpet on Al's head just isn't going to work. Al looks more like the butch Indian lesbian who sat next to me in 9th grade English and tried to convince me that her ginger hair was all natural and not from a date with Miss Clairol. Bitch totally looks like a Bollywood version of Rojo Caliente.

With all that being said, even though Al Roker makes a terrifying Prince Hot Ginge, it is still my duty to fap to all things Prince Hot Ginge. Today is the day I find out if tears can double as lube.

Here's more from Today overdoing the overdone royal wedding this morning. The cast of messes included Matt Lauer as Prince William, Ann Curry as Kate Middleton, Natalie Morales as Pippa, Savannah Gunthrie as Prince Charles, Hoda & Kathie Lee as Eugenie & Beatrice, the laptop girl from the 4th hour as Posh and Meredith Vieira as Queen Elizabeth.

I'll add more to this Halloween gift as soon as I stop HAHAHAHAHAHA-ing from every one of my fingers.

Okay, I'm back and I'm still trying to fight the urge to HAHAHAHAHAHA through my finger tips throughout this entire post, but you must know why the true love bubble out of E!'s ass has burst all up in Ryan Gaycrest's face. TMZ reports that the completely staged marriage that you thought would last about as long as a fart trying to escape through Kim's canyon of doom ass has already died after 72 days. As Pimp Mama Kris lines up johns (aka People Magazine, Life & Style, etc...) and sponsors (aka Legalzoom, etc...) for the multimillion dollar divorce tour special, Kim's divorce lawyer Laura Wasser is filing papers in L.A. today.

A source tells TMZ that this trash heap alien-faced whore is filing for divorce from I Already Forgot His Name, because he wants to stay in Minnesota and the flash from a pap's camera is her oxygen so she refuses to leave L.A. They didn't figure this out before their $10 million dollar wedding, because she was too busy creaming out from every orifice over the thought of how much attention (and nonreturnable gifts) her fraudulent marriage would get.

Kim Kuntrashian stuffed $18 million into her gaping wide checking account for the wedding and she'll probably stuff a few million in for "Kim's Fairytale Divorce" special. Then in about six months, she'll do all over again with a 6"3' bag of cold dumb whose soul comes with a price tag on it.

The dead horse that is the sanctity of marriage just got up and reached for a bat to beat itself some more while mouthing the word "sorry" to the gays.

via TMZ

If the first lady of elegance, CoCo, really wanted to fuck some shock and awe into our brains, she would've dressed up as a fully-clothed Amish virgin for Halloween, but then Slutoween would've officially been canceled and every ho's inner slut would have to stay inside. Because the one-night sluts of Slutoween can't officially stuff their crotches into a Frederick's of Hollywood costume until they hear the period blood-curdling cry from CoCo's camel toe as it gets stranged with fishnets and a wad of Spandex.

The cry was heard at CoCo's Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night when she strut along the red carpet with thighs that looked like precooked Christmas hams busting out of their nets, and her suction cup nipples holding up a metal titty plate. You can say that CoCo went as a slutty hell minion with RiRi head and you'd be correct. You'd also be correct if you said that CoCo went as CoCo going to the grocery store.

And since we're on the subject of Slutoween, I also threw in some pictures of superstar urinal Kim Kardashian making genitals itch and pores push out milky green pus at her Halloween party in NYC. At least she could blame it on her costume this time.

No, this can't be Heidi Montag without her Mattel-made plastic shell on, because she already replaced all her muscles and veins with time release fake tan pouches and tubes filled with Victoria's Secret passion fruit body spray. This is the winner of every Halloween Heidi Klum simultaneously making Buffalo Bill and The BODIES exhibit dude rub at their foreskin by showing up to her Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night dressed up like the human anatomy chart in my 7th grade science classroom. Or maybe Heidi is Courtney Stodden after she sheds her porn iguana skin off through the power of sexy face. Or maybe she's the state of Lindsay Lohan's career? Or Skeletor's lipstick dick after he humps the side of the ottoman for too long? Whatever she is, bitch wins at Halloween yet again.

If you're fuck deficient when it comes to dressing up for Halloween, then don't worry, because Heidi is Halloween-ing for all of us.

I thought Lindsay's spread in Playboy was bad, but it's nothing compared to Dina Lohan's nude photos in National Geographic. - Datura

Runners-up:

This is why we should all pray Julia Roberts never mates with a Busey. - ISprainedMyUvula

Tired of hiding and in need of cash, an aging Loch Ness Monster agrees to become the spokes-creature for Sea-Bond. - perky

That terrible moment when Justin Bieber realizes that his mother was right. - ahtitan

(Thanks Ines)

Bathroom Mirror Bloody Mary!

So many minutes of my young life were wasted trying to summon Bloody Mary's ass to the bathroom mirror when I should've just walked in front of the TV during my abuelita's novella-watching time if I really wanted an old lady to scratch at me in the face. But everybody tried to bring Bloody Mary to the mirror in their own way. The minimalists just lit candles and chanted her name while twirling around. We were not minimalists and turned that mess into a water show spectacular. We lit candles in the bathroom, splashed water on the mirror and chanted her name while one of us spun around and the other one flushed the toilet over and over again. Bloody Mary never showed up (probably because she didn't want to catch any butt germs that jumped out of the toilet every time we flushed it), but I'm sure we single-handedly brought on the California drought.

Nowadays, if I want to bring on the real (and better) Bloody Mary, I just stand in front of the bar at T.G.I. Friday's and twirl around while chanting her name as I throw dollar bills at the bartender.

Happy Hallowpeen, everyone!