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The Starbucks Siren is singing out notes of happiness and every Venti Frapp is jizzing out even more whipped cream than usual now that their queen has returned the auto-tune throne. This is the corn syrup-glazed cover of Our Lady of Cheeto's new single "Hold It Against Me." Needs more Cheetos dust on the fingers, Horsey Sauce on the corner of the mouth and dried-up burger bits in the weave, but that's just me. The demo, which has already leaked all over the place, isn't exactly giving Chester a boner either, but I have confidence that the Glittery Gays of YouTube will spread their drops of magic all over it. I mean, one of Brit Brit's disciples has already started the party early by poppin' his wig off to one of her old songs. This should totally be the treatment for Brit Brit's new video:

Although, she'll have to find a new co-star since I'm sure that dog QUIT THIS BITCH by jumping on the back of a truck headed for the border.

(Thanks Matthew)

This mother of a troubled star is totally destroying her child’s chance of recovery. Mommy’s idea of celebrating her daughter’s release from rehab is to do shots with her darling daughter. She is also fully aware that her daughter was moving next door to another enabler and put up the money for the deposit. And now she’s paid off a worker whose accusations could have landed Mommy’s meal ticket behind bars. Well done, Mommy! You really should be given an award for outstanding parenting. Oh, wait. (Blind Gossip)

This is about as blind as White Oprah when she spots a bottle of Southern Comfort from across the room in an almost pitch black bar. A spotlight shines on the bottle and bitch's vision becomes like an owl's.

You’re going to be seeing a lot of this foreign born entertainer this year. What you won’t hear so much about is that her push into the U.S. market is being helped by the fact that she is sleeping with one of the stars of a popular reality competition show. Since revealing that relationship would create another messy tabloid frenzy for her, she’s going to instead spend much of this year bearding for one of the stars of another popular reality competition show. (Blind Gossip

Cheryl Cole, Simon Cowell and Derek Hough? Before you "ewwwww" at the possibility of Chery Cole with Simon Cowell, just think of his hypnotic fur titties. Yup, that's what sealed the deal.

At a club just last week, these network reality costars were partying together and having a good time….. at first. They were signing autographs and taking pictures with fans and all seemed to be going okay. As the night wore on and the two had more to drink, they started to lose patience with one another. They spent the night trying to compete for attention and as they went to leave, one woman’s named was called out by a group of people for a photo. The other got so jealous she slapped her rival and then keyed her car. The two are currently not speaking. (BuzzFoto)

Dick Button and Johnny Weir?

The flame burning from my Saint Bea candle has been sending smoky clouds of good thoughts towards Aretha Franklin ever since I learned that she's down and out in Detroit. Aretha underwent a mystery surgery for a mystery condition last month and some people claimed she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Aretha refused to comment on those rumors then and she's refusing to comment on that shit now. Ask Aretha about it and the question mark over your head will be replaced with stars when she knocks you out with one of her powerhouse chichis.

Aretha admitted to Jet (via People) that she had a CAT-scan and colonoscopy after suffering a pain to her side. The CAT-scan showed what the problem was, but Aretha wouldn't say anything more than that. When Jet asked her about the cancer rumors, Aretha got real:

“I am not one to do a lot of talking about my personal health or business. Not too much, not too much. There are a lot of people who will talk about anything, as long as there is somebody listening. But I am not one of those people. That’s not Aretha.

I am not going to even deal with that. I don’t have to talk about my health with anybody other than my doctors. The problem has been resolved.

I want to thank my fans and friends and supporters who have prayed for me and sent me beautiful cards and flowers."

"That's Not Aretha" is totally the new "Not the One."

Meet 49-year-old Cathy Ward, a devout Twihard who is so devoted to her gods Edward, Bella and Jacob that she created a tattoo altar to them on her back. "Well, I guess it's missionary and front cowgirl for the rest of our marriage." - Cathy's husband of 18 years

Cathy, a bakery clerk from Reading, Berkshire in England, spent 22 hours of her time on a tattoo artist's table and £2,000 from her savings account to pay homage to CRAZY...and her idols. Cathy says that she owes everything to the Twilight characters since they helped her lose some chunk. You see, Cathy stopped licking cream off the cakes at work and instead made her own batch of coochie cream from reading all the books. Coochie cream must be loaded with fat cells, because Cathy dropped 14 dress sizes in only 6 months.

Cathy isn't done with Twittoo fuckery, either. Cathy is already making plans to get Edward inked onto her belly. Cathy explains to the Daily Mail, "I love Robert Pattinson. I want to tone up so I can get his character Edward Cullen on my stomach. The way I look at it I could be spending the money on going out drinking and eating but instead I'm spending it on something I am really passionate about. I have got a cross trainer, rowing machine and hand weights and I work out in my spare room which has got Twilight pictures all over the walls. I watch the films or listen to the soundtracks as I exercise. It has worked miracles. I have never been more positive, more outgoing, fit and never had so much fun in my life."

Doesn't it sort of look like Bella is rising out of Cathy's ass crack to kiss Edward? Do with that what you will. You know, I could sit here and waste key stroke after key stroke on judging Cathy's life choices, but I just can't do it. I mean, how can I throw hate at a woman who keeps a beautiful portrait of a ginger kitty over her mirror? Cathy obviously has impeccable taste.

To recap: Cathy has a beautiful portrait of a ginger kitty over her mirror. Your argument is invalid.

Jamie Pressly busted for DUI....but she was just doing RESEARCH for her My Name is Earl character (even though that show ended a million years ago) - Celebslam

Maddox obviously spiked Jennifer Aniston's chardonnay with ludes - Lainey Gossip

Cut to SamRo searching Craigslist: Chernobyl for houses to rent - The Superficial

Victoria Silvstedt being Victoria Silvestedt (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Golden Voice Williams continues on his "Most Famous Man In The Entire Universe At This Moment" tour - Towleroad

And yet, nobody dropped a CITIZEN'S ARREST on Selena Kay Letourneau for messing with that lesbian toddler - Hollywood Tuna

That baby is totally stoned - The Berry

Imagine the style critiques Suri Cruise gives Tommy about his choice of harnesses and chaps - Celebitchy

Ooooooops - TDW

If Leighton Meester was born into the Duff family - Popoholic

Whenever a Paltrow and a Cruise kiss, a Thetan gets its first natural bowel movement - Just Jared

In "This Sucks" News: Howard K. Stern is not going to prison - ICYDK

What the hell kind of GD jacket is RPattz wearing? - Popsugar

Steve Howey's dick will be right with you as soon as it gets up from its nap (NSFW) - OMG Blog

Jessica Lowndes' dress would make a wonderful dashboard cover - Moe Jackson

I just want to dust the top of my TV with Nicki Minaj's weave - Go Fug Yourself

Gucci Mane went crazy - Hollywood Rag

Karl Lagerfeld is TOTALLY losing his standing invitation to the Slytherin's weekly pot luck for this move - I'm Not Obsessed

Natalie Portman's dress will make a perfect barf bib for when her baby is born - Cityrag

Here I was getting all the dirty filthy sex talk I need from HSN when I really should've been spending more time with The Weather Channel's Stephanie Abrams. Stephanie manages to blow at least 3 warm fronts towards your Gulf of Mexico in less than 30 seconds. An "in-and-out quickie" is right. Just ask the heavy breather filming the TV. He knows what you're fappin' about.

via TDW

Pull out your umbrellas and brace yourselves for the thousands of dead birds that will fall from the sky after dying of shock from learning that Johnny Weir is pretty much gay. After refusing to discuss his sexuality for years, the graceful golden swan of the frozen lake confesses in his new memoir that when it comes to sex, he prefers the peen. But then Johnny says that he's completely open to marrying a woman. I see what you did there, Johnny. If you're trying to get closer to Liza with a Z, it's definitely working. Why didn't I think of that?

(Source: People via After Elton via Queerty)

In the picture above, Tiny is most likely giving T.I. a side of handjob with his soup. And this is exactly the kind of behavior that earned him a case of Smurf balls and a trip to a "Special Housing Unit." T.I. is currently serving time in Arkansas for violating his probation and he got into more trouble over the weekend with some prude ass prison guards for violating decency by letting his wife Tiny yank on his Shake Weight.

TMZ says that the prison rules state that inmates are only allowed to kiss, hug and hold hands with their loved ones during visiting hours. The visiting room staff must be able to see hands at all times, so finger creeping down into the bush is strictly prohibited. T.I. tried to jizz all over those rules, but a security guard caught him before he could finish. Prison officials punished his ass by sending him to a part of the prison where there's more security and less freedom for inmates.

Don't security guards have bigger things to worry about than Babe's cousin sticking to her vows by hand fucking her husband in the visiting room of a prison?! Damn. It's not like Tiny was wiping her ass juices off of T.I.'s peen after doing anal with him on the picnic table in front of everyone! It was just a measly hj. Besides, a handjob is a form of hugging! That technicality should get T.I. off...in more ways than one.

Zac Efron has been spending time down south while filming a movie and I'm pretty sure the gentlemanly spirit of Jim Williams from The Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil crept into his glitter hole and took over his body. Because when Zac accepted the award for Best Unicorn Under the Age of 25 at last night's People's Choice Awards, he gave a speech that was simply, as he would put it, sublime.

I mean, Zac not only drawled out the word "sublime", but he also referred to his fellow nominees as his "contemporaries." Zac made every bitch in the audience drop their hand fan, pick up their petticoat and run towards him. Zac's speech was the coat that a gentlemen throws over a puddle so that you don't dirty the silk ribbons on your shoes. A fucking gentlemen in every way, that Zach.

And can't you just picture him looking up at you after tossing your salad and saying, "Subliiiiiime." Don't swoon too hard or you might fart on his neck.

Here's some pictures of Zac with unemployed beard Taylor Swift at the PCAs last night.

OctoSana and Mad Mel's never-ending custody battle dipped into donkey punch territory when she testified in front of a judge on Tuesday that he regularly brought the beat down on her during sex. TMZ reports that OctoSana testified under oath that whenever Mel's little Nazi soldier refused to do the Hitler salute, he'd whoop her ass to get it up.

OctoSana has already told the L.A. County Sheriff's Department that Mel hit her during a fight on January 6 of last year, but apparently she never mentioned that he likes to punch his way to a boner. There's no evidence that proves OctoSana is telling the truth, and vice versa. This has caused some to throw her a "you shifty little..." side-eye.

Who to believe... Who to believes.... This is one of those "crazy said, crazy said" things. But the real truth is, if you had to have fuck Mel Gibson, you'd probably punch yourself in the face before, during and after, so I don't think her claims are that far off.