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Hernia survivor and avid porn star collector Charlie Sheen supposedly texted a sort of statement to Radar's executive editor right before he crippled every drug dealer's source of income by checking into rehab last night. It sounds like Charlie's counselors are going to have a really good time with him. Especially when he attacks a chandelier after finding out the rehab clinic doesn't have a 24-hour porn theater or a community crack pipe. Hopefully, the employee water cooler at the rehab clinic is spiked with Xanax.

This is what Charlie supposedly had to say:

"I'm fine. People don't seem to get it.... Guy can't have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds.”

Most of bitch's internal organs probably wish they were turds so they could slide out of his asshole towards freedom. Charlie is right, though. If he wants to watch fuck films for 10 hours straight while increasing his daughter's future therapy bills with every puff from a crack pipe, then that's his shit! If he wants to write some porn star a $30,000 check JUST BECAUSE, then let him. And yeah, Charlie did just that. File that under: things you only do when you're under the influence of CRACK. Screw the bailout and fart on college. Being one of Charlie's porn star pieces is where the real money is at. Stuff your titties into a pink latex bra and get in line. I'll be the one in the blonde kitchen ass wig.

Oh, Paz de la Huerta's unpolluted beauty never fails to make me wish I could shapeshift into a sponge, wipe myself across the glistening tundra of Crisco called her face, wring myself out over an empty jar of Ragu and store it under my kitchen sink for whenever I need an extra touch of elegance in my frijoles. I pretty much get swoony whenever I've got a pearl choker in front of me, but Spaz went beyond. I'm talking about the hair that was probably styled by a beaver with no hands and her sideways juicy butt pit. Spaz is the only talented person on the planet who can make fart sounds with her armpit without lifting up her arm.

Looking like you just spent 19 hours giving birth to an oversized stone Buddha statue (or spent 19 hours reading Courtney Love's Tweets, or spent 19 hours in a heroin cave) is definitely a new kind of glamour.

Here's more of the fresh spring daisy that is Spaz at Elle's Women in Television event with Chupa Zoe, Jesse Tyler Ferguson (with his boyfriend Justin Mikita) and Sofia Vergara.

Instead of having a conversation about the fact that Katie Couric still has Jonathan Bower hair in 1994, the curious minds at Today ask what the mysterious land of question marks called Internet is exactly? Do dragons live there? What's the answer to the riddle the troll guarding the gate asks? How does it work? Their conversation is basically the lyrics to an Insane Clown Posse song. It's also the thought process Tom Cruise goes through when faced with a live vagina.

Was 1994 that long ago? It doesn't feel like yesterday when I was spending 8 hours trying to log onto AOL to spend 3-minutes in a gay chat room before getting knocked off because some cock blocker was calling for my sister. Time flies when you're trying to connect via a phone line.

And seriously, I just want to be the voice of the future and tell these cavemen of the past that the Internet is a place for you to stalk your exes, stare at cat videos, watch easy access porn and laugh at bitches from the 90s trying to figure out what that @ symbol thing is.

via Warming Glow

Everybody in this clip! The Time Machine Band and especially ole' dude and his lady who have beaten, killed and resurrected the dance floor in just 3 minutes. Fox can officially So You Think You Can Dance, Paula Abdul can put Live to Dance away and America's Best Dance Crew can sit down, because the country's best dancers of all-time and forever have been found at the WinStar Casino in Oklahoma. This isn't just dance. It's interpretative art! They are telling a complicated story with their bodies. They're definitely the William Shakespeare of awesome sweet moves. And homegirl's lighter move at the 1:22 mark will make you a believer.

At first, I thought this was a viral marketing video for Centrum Silver or something, but then I realized it's a viral marketing video for LIFE! Because really, don't most of us just want to spend all day every day translating the lyrics to a Whitney Houston song with our bodies on the middle of a dance floor in a casino club in Oklahoma? Duh.

According to their calendar, The Time Machine Band is playing the WinStar again on February 4th. Field fucking trip. Carefully study the video above and the one below, because we're going to have to bring it hard if we want to swish and sway next to these two artists.

via Buzzfeed

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