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So much for Slash playing Puck's mom (or Coach Beiste's lover) on Glee, because he wants nothing to do with that honey-glazed glitter show. Slash tells Entertainment Weekly (via Rolling Stone & Jezebel):

"Glee is worse than Grease and Grease is bad enough. I look at Grease now and think, 'Between High School Musical and Glee, Grease was a work of art.'"

Okay, okay, but "Grease is bad enough"? Slash is really going to sit there and act like he didn't wrap himself around John Travolta's lubed-up pompadour curl after taking a hit of whatever while watching Grease. Slash must be talking about a different kind of Grease.

P.S. - Does that shirt come in a sleeveless crop top version, because I need one in my life.

Last night a party, this former B list television actor and now a guy who just screams cooties and sleaze when you look at him, was doing his usual pick up game. Well, he got the phone number of one woman and was chatting her up and telling her she is amazing and can't wait to spend time with her. Really pouring it on. Later she walks up to him when he is getting the number of another woman and he tells her, "Oh, I found someone better, but I will still call you when I need something quick." (CDAN)

This move is right out of The Situation's book, right? Jeremy Piven seems like the type who has studied that book like its his personal bible, but I think he's still B-list, so I'll go with Wilmer Valderrama? The gross thing is, if I was that girl I'd probably coooooo after he said that shit to me. That's when you know you're a shameless slut who should probably spend some time at Stuart Smalley's self-esteem boot camp.

This almost always A list foreign born movie actor was dining at a restaurant two nights ago with his B list movie actress significant other. When our actor saw who was serving them, our actor told his significant other they could ask for another waiter because it turns out our actor had slept with the waiter. His significant other replied, "Oh, it's ok, I slept with him too." (CDAN)

Jason Statham & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Or RPattz & Kristen Stewart? Or Javier Bardem & Penny Cruz?

This Latin actress wants her publicist to only set her up with ‘white guys.’ Although she has someone she has been in love with since childhood who is Latin, she thinks that dating a Latin man won’t help her image as much as a white one will. She will put her career in front of her relationships at all costs and has broken the heart of her childhood sweetheart. (BuzzFoto)

AY DIOS MIO! Eva Mendes?

What famous person's son who married that other famous person's relation is supposedly a gay? (La Dolce Musto)

I'm pretty much drawing a blank on this one. The only face that is popping up in my head is Donald Trump Jr.'s and I refuse to believe that, so moving on....

(Image via Fame Pictures)

George Clooney was in the Sudan earlier this month to work with the United Nations and Google on ways to prevent a civil war when a blood sucker who doesn't cocktail at the Palms on the weekend bit into his skin. George caught Malaria, but this isn't the first time. George's rep shouted to everyone that he's going to live and has already made a full recovery.

“George is completely over the Malaria he contracted while in the Sudan during the first week in January. This was his second bout with it. This illustrates how with proper medication, the most lethal condition in Africa, can be reduced to a bad ten days instead of a death sentence."

George's rep also failed to mention that while he was in a Malaria haze, Elisabetta Canalis tried to get a local priest to marry them so she could claim half of his fortune. You can't blame a trick for trying. And really, BIG FUCKING WOW to George. So he caught and beat Malaria twice. Well, I've been battling a canker sore in the left side of my mouth for the past two weeks! Everything that goes into my mouth has to make a quick right for processing. I'm basically only using half of my mouth and you know that's a hard thing for a slut to do. Try that, George...and get fully better, because the Vegas cocktail waitress industry depends on it.

via E! Online

Dear AnnaLynne McCord and her furry friend, GET A DOGHOUSE!!! - Hollywood Tuna

If only they gave Oscars out for Best Delusional Mess in Real Life - Lainey Gossip

Macaulay Culkin and his new porn star piece need to bond over a pair of tweezers and brow scissors - The Superficial

I liked Lady GaGa's new song more when Madonna sang it 20 years ago - Towleroad

Winona Ryder is suffocating her breasts (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The Texting Fountain Lady has a history of scamming a ho out of a dollar - TDW

Tim Kang wears too many clothes - The Berry

A chola's worst nightmare - NYC Barstool Sports

That tremor in Wichita, Kansas explained - Celebitchy

Brian Austin Green has bunny eyes - Popoholic

Aaaaaand here's some Jon Hamm - Popsugar

"Working is hard!" - Jon Gosselin - ICYDK

Megan Fox's ribs for Armani Underwear - Just Jared

Zeb Atlas shouldn't quit his porn job anytime soon - OMG Blog

Gary Busey could floss his jumbo Chiclets with that dog leash - Celebslam

Who hasn't bought weed from Snoop Dogg? - I'm Not Obsessed

Useless vs. useless - Popbytes

Ke$ha's daddy calls her a liar - Hollywood Rag

I have no idea who Gemma Merna, but here's her nipples anyway - Cityrag

Charlie Sheen just fell in love - SOW

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Franny Glass was doing a Getty Images search for "volunteer" pictures when these vintage beauties of a young Amy Poehler as a candy striper popped up. There's something a little evil about the first picture. Amy's smirking at us and practically saying, "Oh, so does it hurt when I turn your oxygen off? Well, that'll teach you to nod 'thank you' when I bring in the flowers from the stepmother who always talks shit about you in the hallway. Don't fuck up again......and feel better."

And if you think this shit is edgy and scandalous, wait until the PG-13 pictures of her as a semi-slutty crossing guard come out.

via Jezebel

This is about as shocking as the time Taylor Swift found out that storks really aren't flying uteruses (she found this out last night). Here we were all thinking that Taylor and Jakey Gyllenhaal's connection to each other is solely powered by caffeine and diuretics. This isn't so, because People says that Taylor and Jakey ate a meal together last night and as far as we know cups of coffee were not served. Although, there's a good chance they ate mole sauce and tiramisu.

A witness-type tells People that Jakey and Taylor had dinner at Bound'ry restaurant which is near her apartment in Nashville. They sat in the back and the witness gave up these highly important CNN breaking news details about their time together, "They did eat. They were cordial to one another, but not affectionate."

Jake and Taylor are bold bitches for opening up their contract re-negotiations in a public restaurant! Or maybe Taylor asked Jake there because a stork has been flying around her bedroom window lately and she was afraid that maybe she open-mouth kissed with him for too long (that's when he broke the news about the stork thing to her). Or maybe Taylor asked Jake there to let him know that she has anal warts. Or maybe they're just friends and they're tricking us all. Or maybe you really don't give a dick about this, so why don't you watch this video of a horse trying to do butt sex with a tree.

No, it's not a lost scene from Sex and the City 2.

via Buzzfeed

If you've been wondering what a mutant mound of cotton candy with a Gumby obsession would look like if it became the fourth member of Salt-N-Pepa circa 1987, here's Nicki Minaj giving you a visual in London today. Like the House Party poster just barfed all over her....

Shit between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry is not all "peachy cream" (copyright: Jennifer from Basketball Wives). It seemed like Halle and Gabriel were playing nice for the sake their daughter Nahla, but Radar says that they are practically biting at each other's throats. Gabriel filed for custody of Nahla on December 30th, because he's afraid that Halle is trying to push his ass out. A source says that Halle rages at Gabriel when he doesn't do what she says. Things turned to crap when Gabriel started dating other tricks like Kim Kardashian. Halle threatened to make his life a living hell if he didn't keep his hos on the down low.

A source explains that Halle re-enacted her meltdown scene from Gothika when she stared at pictures of Gabriel with Kim in a magazine, "Halle was absolutely furious and had a complete melt-down. She basically gave him an ultimatum -- to choose between dating other women and carrying on being on her good side. She was particularly angry that he had been so public, even going to a Lakers game one time, and she totally berated him, basically telling him that if he has to date, just date a nobody waitress that nobody will care about. Gabriel is one of the most laid-back, nicest guys that I know, but in the end he just got sick of being bossed around and told what to do by his ex-girlfriend."

When Gabriel brought up Halle's relationship with Olivier Martinez, she said it was just for "business purposes."

Gabriel also thinks that Halle has hired a private investigator to follow him around. The source goes on, "He said he's noticed a car following him a few times now and that he's just got this weird feeling that he can't shake of being watched. Judging by Halle's past actions and threats it wouldn't surprise me, if Gabriel doesn't follow her rules she's going to fight nasty. But, if she thinks a PI is going to dig up anything salacious or scandalous I think she'll be sorely disappointed. Gabriel's one of the straightest, nicest, bordering on boring guys I know."

How Radar was able to make out the source's quotes is beyond me. The source must be an expert at articulation if they were able to clearly say all those words while their tongue was wrapped around Gabriel's prostate. Seriously, could this source be further up Gabriel's ass? Not that I blame them, but DAMN. They make Halle seem like a foam-spewing monster and Gabriel seem like an innocent baby bunny whose paws have never touched a puddle of pee before. Please, we know they have, because he has hung around Kim Kardashian's trick ass a few times.

And I'm going to need to see HD video of these two rumbling. Not because I need proof that this story is true. I need it because they probably look really hot while screaming at each other.

The ring Kat Von D wore to the Art of Elysium charity gala over the weekend is a real symbol of her engagement to Vanilla Gorilla after all. Vanilla Gorilla announced to People that his girlfriend of 5-months Kat Von D is about to become Mrs. Kat Gorilla. VG must've gotten high from the acidic fumes wafting off his sluttin' sofa, because his declaration of love for Kat to People is a ridiculous barf-inducing haze of words. Vanilla Gorilla's glazed "DURR" eyes aren't just for show. Dude is "DURR" in the brains too.

"You know sometimes the public and press gets it wrong. This is one of those times. 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs.

I have never met anyone so kind and loving and committed to making the world a better place every day. My love for her is beyond description. So honored that she said 'yes.' Growing old with her is going to be a fuckin' blast!"

Gross. Vanilla Gorilla must have fallen and hit his head on his swastika coffee table, which gave him amnesia and erased the memory of every single person he has met in his entire lifetime. That's the only way I will accept his "I have never met anyone so kind" comment as a fact. But then again, my dog gets that "you are the most beautiful thing I've ever met" look in his eyes when he sniffs a piece of caca. So it's possible! Too harsh. Too harsh. I know.

The truth is, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D make sense and I'm sure he means it when he says that they will be together until death does them part. I'm also sure that their doctors have told them that they have 2 years to live, because that's how long their marriage is going to last.

Well, what do you know? The girl who fell into a mall fountain, because she wasn't paying attention while texting is not a 20-something text addict like I originally thought. She's a 49-year-old born again Christian who is putting together a lawsuit against the Berkshire Mall in Wyomissing, PA for laughing at her fail instead of checking to see if she's alright.

Cathy Cruz Marrero, who just started a job at the mall, tells The Reading Eagle (via DM) that she was texting a message to a church friend when suddenly she found herself with a face full of water and fountain pennies. Cathy shook off her embarrassment and shuffled off without knowing that the security footage would soon be seen by over a million laughing hos. Cathy is not amused.

"My issue is I don't think security was professional because they didn't send anyone to check on me until 20 minutes later and I had already left. Instead of laughing, they should have said, 'Is she OK?' and been down there right away to check on me."

Cathy's lawyer adds that they are investigating the "incident" and will take legal action:

"We are troubled by the fact that anyone at the Berkshire Mall responsible for releasing this video would find humor in an employee injured on the premises. We intend to hold the appropriate persons responsible. No one from that security office came to her aid in a timely manner."

When Cathy talked to security management, they said that the video isn't a big deal because you can't recognize her face. But Cathy claims that a friend from church called her that night to see if she was okay, because he recognized her walk.

Recognized her walk?! The sky just flickered, because Jesus made a "SAY WHAT?!" face.

99.9999% of us wouldn't have ever known the woman in that video is 49-year-old Cathy Cruz Marrero of Pennsylvania if she didn't come forward. Doesn't Cathy know that in some cases, if you don't admit it, it didn't happen. When I fart in a crowded elevator you don't see me raising up my hand and admitting guilt. You see me throwing a "YOU NASTY!" face at everyone around me.

And since Cathy is a Christian, she should view her fountain fall as an encore baptism. That's a beautiful thing.