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If Kimora Lee Simmons and Snooki fused their ovary eggs together with pan-cake foundation and then fertilized it with the sperm of a Kardashian before letting it incubate between CoCo's ass cheeks for 9 months, out would come Lil' Kim looking just like this! Like if a Siamese cat fell into a vat of bronzer and then dried itself off with a towel made of baby powder.

Didn't somebody tell Kim that clogging up every single one of her pores with oil-based paint is a dangerous game to play? They can't breathe! Kim's overworked chocha is trying to puff in enough air for everybody and it can't! It's inhaling so hard that her asshole is puckering. I thoroughly believe that glamour hurts, but you've gone way too far when your pussy needs an inhaler and an oxygen mask at the end of the night. Too far, Kim, too far.

Here's more of Kim and her suffocating snatch at Club QUO in NYC last night.

Amanda Palmer's video for "Map of Tasmania" has everything you want (or maybe everything you don't want) in a video including Easter basket pubes and crotches that represent every single aisle at The Dollar Tree. We're really going to need a Hair Battle Spectacular challenge based on this video.

via Buzzfeed

This is directly from The Critics' Choice Movie Awards' website: "The Critics' Choice Movie Awards are bestowed annually by the Broadcast Film Critics Association to honor the finest in cinematic achievement."

Where in that sentence does it say that they also accept raggedy famewhores fresh from the ho stroll as presenters? It doesn't. So why in the hell were those backyardigan whores there last night? I mean, if that said "anally" instead of "annually" I'd understand why the Kardashians were invited. But the words "honor", "finest" and "achievement" never apply when it comes to the Kardashians. My only guess is that since Vh1 is like a giant beacon of light for all the fame fuckers in the LOOKATME sea, they all came out. I'm sure Snooki and Teen Mom Amber are sharing a bottle of Thunderbird under Kim's dress.

I know I included The Lesbeaver in the same category as the Kardashians and Amber Rose, but he actually had a good excuse for being there. Justin completed his journalism credits at the Montessori School by interviewing the nominees on the red carpet last night.

The good news for Justin is that he's starting to grow pubic hair. The bad news is that it's growing above his lip. Damn. Damn. Damn. And Rip Taylor was there, because a party just isn't a party without him.

And Rip was also there to show Justin Bieber what he's going to look like in 60 years. Lucky Bieber!

Natalie Portman's baby brewing area is going to grow into thousands of pixels before our very eyes in the next few weeks as she accepts Best ActressWhatever at every awards show for her performance in Mother May I Sleep With Mila Kunis? and last night she collected one of her first at the Critics' Choice Movie Awards. (Click here for all the winners)

Actually, let me snatch that back. Natalie is probably not going to win at The Christina Hendricks Awards tomorrow since they will find some way to sneak St. Angie into the Best Actress - Drama category at the last second. They will say that St. Angie's performance in The Tourist is covered with so many layers that she's worthy of comedy, drama and animation awards. They are up on her halo like that. So, Natalie, stay home in your Zac Posen pajama jeans tomorrow, because that shit is not yours to take.

But last night, Natalie wore that shit to accept her trophy. It sorts of looks like a motel bed sheet held up with electrical tape and that sounds like a hot look on paper, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too busy slobbering over that trophy to make a concrete decision. Every single trophy resembles a dildo to me and that one looks like it was manufactured by Krypton's most well-respected dick toy makers. Get me one!

Here's a few more pictures from last night's show. In oooorder: Natalie Hershlag, Yanni Christian Bale, Emma Stone, Jon Hamm, Dr. Kevorkian (????), Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton, Melissa Leo, Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling, Senorita Jokerface, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban, Jeremy Renner, Lisa Rinna Helena Bonham Carter and Annette Bening with Warren Beatty.

Owen Wilson must've announced that he's going to be a dad as soon as his girlfriend, Jade Duell (or Buell, one of those), dropped a waterfall of baby fluid, because their kid is already breathing air amongst us. Owen's rep confirmed the BABY!!!!! BOY news to People and everyone is doing well...blah...blah...burp.

Star Magazine offered up a few more details. They say Jade, who works as a federal air marshal, gave birth at Owen's fancy waterfront home in Maui yesterday morning at exactly 10:47. Owen seems like the type who would be into his girlfriend launching out their baby on a Slip 'N Slide, so it was a water birth and Jade pushed with the help of a midwife. And as soon as their baby came yodeling into the world, Owen chewed the belly cord off with his gnarly teeth, grabbed his son, ran to the beach and held him up Lion King-style as the dolphins clapped.

That didn't happen, but a source did say that Owen did a congratulatory "hula dance" all day. Yeah, I'm sure that was shortly after he passed around blue joints to his friends.

Owen's rep didn't give up their son's name, but I'm sure they haven't gotten around to it yet. They've been too busy holding a mirror up to their baby's face and trying to calm his screeching cries of uncertainty by telling him that his nose is never going to look like a mangled peen.

Irona, the ginger robot maid/bodyguard who can do it all from the Richie Rich cartoon series! Whatever Richie Rich need, and whenever he needed it, Irona (and her tinge of Colin Hanks face) made it happen! Irona sucked solid gold dust bunnies into her robot stomach one minute, and turned into a plane to fly Richie to some exotic destination the next minute. And Irona did it all in a pair of kitten heels (take that, Suri)!!

(For Lahoma)

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Eddie Cahill (33)
Regina King (40)
Chad Lowe (43)
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James Nesbitt (46)
Mario Van Peebles (54)
Andrea Martin (64)
Princess Michael of Kent (66)