Today, nepotism smells like Molly McButter flakes, burnt aluminum foil, open finger sores from Photoshopping for hours and Badgley Mischka's saliva on Demi Moore's ass lips. Here's Rumer Willis' first ads as the new chin of Badgley Mischka! You know, Badgley and/or Mischka can say that they chose Rumer because she's "a unique beauty" who "breathes new life into their brand", but the real truth is that if she didn't slide out of Demi Moore's cooch, she wouldn't have gotten the job. But Rumer is collecting a check and you know I'm a strong supporter of that, so....
I guess this means it won't be long before Noah Cyrus is named as the new face of Frederick's of Hollywood and one of JLo's twins becomes Donatella Versace's new muse.
Specifically, the rap game at Northwestern University. Specifically specifically, the rape game among sons of Hollywood movie stars who happen to go to Northwestern University. Chet Haze's government name is Chet Hanks and he's Tom Hank's other son. Yeah, don't ask me how he came up with the name Chet Haze. That sounds like a condition Lisa from Weird Science suffered from after inhaling Chet's shit fumes.
Chet has had roles in the Bratz movie and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls, but he's put his acting skills aside to focus on his new career as a frat boy MC. Gawker tells us that Chet Haze's first single called "White & Purple (Northwestern Remix)" is a wig snatch of Mo Greene's "White & Purple (NU Anthem 2010)." Listen for yourself:
This mess sounds like a song Barney might bust out to teach the kids about equality, but it's seriously embedded in my brain now. I know I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night mumbling "whiteandpurplewhiteandpurplewhiteandpurple" over and over again.
And of course, I'd hit it until I'm whiteandpurplewhiteandpurple.
Joe Jonas couldn't deal with seeing Taylor Swift's heart-shaped irises break into four pieces from getting dumped, so he did the quitting via a phone call. Jakey Gyllenhaal took a page out of Joe's "How To Quit The Squint" playbook and also called up Taylor to tell her that he could no longer come over to her house to braid her hair and let her paint pony paw prints on his toe nails. Oh, and Jakey also told Taylor to stick his uni-corn holders in the mail, because he wants that shit back.
A source tells UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life) that Taylor thought everything was apples and latte foam between them and was totally surprised when he broke up with her over the phone. One of Taylor's friends said, “Taylor is really upset and hurt. She doesn’t know what she did for him to just put a stop to it. She feels really burned by him.”
What really happened was that Taylor got upset when her publicist let her know that Jakey stamped a "NULL AND VOID" on their contract and said he's off to find a new leased girlfriend who doesn't make him skip through apple orchards and constantly order lattes with a fucking foam heart on top. But Taylor shouldn't feel sorry for her ass. It could be worse. She could be my high school friend's deaf ex-boyfriend.
So my friend was dating this really hot dude who was deaf. Everything was going fine, but the main problem was that he lived an hour away. In high school that counted as a long distance relationship and my friend was a huge slut at the time. Huge sluts and long distance relationships go together like....well like huge sluts and long distance relationships. Eventually, she met another dude and was really itching to get on him. Since she was a slut with morals, she knew that she had to quit the old dude before screwing on the new one. She wasn't going to see her boyfriend for two weeks and the only way they communicated was by phone. She had to talk to an operator who captioned her words for her boyfriend and then read back what he typed out. Yes, the bitch did it. The words "It's not working out..." came from a random operator's fingers! What a cold motherfucker. And the he kept typing "WHY?!" over and over again. At one point, my friend said to the operator, "Don't type this. You think I'm a total bitch, right?" The operator didn't say shit. Silence means YES!!
He and Taylor should get together and write the lyrics for a haunting song about getting kicked into Foreveraloneville OVER THE PHONE!
In just under 2 weeks, Ted Williams has gone from homeless man to viral star to media angel to Dr. Phil guest to rehabber. Ted, this is your career on speed (bad analogy?). Ted is doing in 2 weeks what took Lindsay Lohan years (sans the vagina flashing and crashing into parked cars).
Dr. Phil is patting himself on the fat taint today, because he's the one who talked Golden Voice into checking into rehab for drug and alcohol addictions. Golden Voice has claimed that he's sober, but he's really been guzzling that sweet nectar almost every single day this whole time.
Out of all people, it had to be Dr. Phil that helped Golden Voice. Dr. Phil's head is already swole up and now it's going to pop. Wait. Maybe that was Golden Voice's plan all along? Well played. But really, when Golden Voice gets out of Promises Malibu, or wherever the hell he's going, I look forward to his comeback world tour.
You'd think that news of a Dynasty movie would make me fall out of my chair in slow motion like the first time I watched glamorous gold digger extraordinaire Sammy Jo show the Carringtons what dancing really is. Let's all fall together again, shall we?
Seeing Heather Locklear and Joan Collins recreate this pivotal scene in IMAX 3D would make dreams come true. The sparkles shooting off of Alexis Carrington's Nolan Miller gown would slap your disposable 3D glasses right off your face. That would be the greatest cinematic event since the time the 90s Diabolique came to the $1 theater and I watched it like 10 times in a week. But that's not what Dynasty's co-creator Richard Shapiro plans to do. Richard is going to scrub the 80s out of Dynasty and make a prequel that follows Blake Carrington's rise to the top in the 1960s. THE SIXTIES. What the fuck are we supposed to do with the 60s?!
Robert explains to E!'s Marc Malkin that in the 60s, Blake finds out that he's heir to the Carrington empire before starting the love affair of his life with Alexis. Robert is going to start passing the script around to various studios any day now. He's also hoping this turns into a Dynasty franchise. Robert also said this shit: "It was my daughter Florie's notion to do a prequel, and that sounded very very good to us. It's how young Blake doesn't realize he's the son of Tom Carrington, but then he finds himself at the head of this company and surrounded by assassins and people who want to do him in."
This is historically inaccurate! Alexis can't be in the script, because she didn't exist before the 1980s! Alexis was born on New Year's Day 1980 when the last disco ball crashed to the floor landing on a single champagne drop. Out came Alexis as a full grown goddess covered in diamonds and gold sequins! Alexis was never a girl or even teenager! Alexis was always a woman! This Dynasty prequel shit will never work. Robert needs to go back to history class and start again!
If a Caesar Cut and Justin Bieber's mop mated, it might look like what's on top of the head of Rooney Mara (as Lisbeth Salander) - Just Jared
Brit Brit's weave is growing gills - Lainey Gossip
Lea Michele almost made a little girl cry. Heather Mills better step up her cunt game, because Lea is coming hard - The Superficial
You call it extra-thick suspenders and Rachel McAdams calls it a dress top! - Hollywood Tuna
Blake Lively looking like Blake Lively (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Watch out, Leonardo DiCaprio, because Survivor's Fabio is coming for your career - Towleroad
The magical and enchanting world known as the NYC Subway - NYC Barstool Sports
Meg Ryan likes the attention - Celebitchy
If Natalie Portman is trying to wear the ugliest dresses ever made, she's succeeding - Popoholic
Ke$ha is a major pop star and this dog doesn't even have a record deal. The world ain't fair. - The Berry
Justin Bieber has never looked better - TDW
If Nicki Minaj was a Juggalette - ICYDK
Suri and a piglet (or whatever that animal is) - Popsugar
Channing Tatum was taken from behind - OMG Blog
Sting and Trudie are my kind of couple - I'm Not Obsessed
Skeet Ulrich is out of a job - SOW
Well, what do you know? CoCo and I wear the same thing to clean house - Hollywood Rag
But where the hell is Coach Beiste? - Cityrag
Charlie Sheen could lick the vomit out of a warthog's mouth while a trick in a priest's outfit bones him in the butt with a strap-on made from recycled CROCS and an elephant wearing a human skin poncho pisses on his head from above, and I'd still shrug my shoulders and let out an EH. But now he's gone way too far and should be shut down. TMZ says that on the night Charlie got boozed and partied with porn star Bree Olson, Nazi slut Bombshell McGee came up to the suite and was his #2 girl. This is fitting since Bombshell looks like a #2. Bitch looks what came out of my dog's ass the time he ate pieces of his rainbow parrot toy.
Earlier in the night, Bree and Bombshit made out during Pauly Shore's comedy show at The Palms. When the show was over, Bree invited Bombshit upstairs to join Charlie Sheen's party. Bombshit and her friend showed up a few hours later and found themselves in the middle of a sea of hos. Bombshit stayed for a couple of hours and nobody knows what exactly went down.
The party is over and it's time to hang up your coke straw when you start fucking on Bombshell's swasticooch. No sir, done. What a mess. You know that when Charlie and Bombshell touched tongues, we all had a damn outbreak. The lights at the CDC's headquarters flickered and gonorrhea warts sprouted out of everyone's genitals to worship their new king and queen! Hmm. Come to think of it, that would explain that something I got my something this weekend. Update my file at the free clinic!
If you just guessed a Kardashian, immediately wash your brain out with soap and then click to see who this really is. GO!
The porn industry is really trying to stretch limits of what you will jack to by releasing a porn parody of The Simpsons. Thankfully, they didn't include Bart, Lisa or the other kids, but Cookie Kwan (#1 on the Westside) makes an appearance. If you're wondering if Marge's chocha and Homer's peen got the yellow paint treatment, (NSFW) click over to Fleshbot to see for yourself. Basically, Marge's carpet runner matches the drapes and Homer's dick has been spared.
You might not get off from seeing cartoon characters come to life in more ways than one, but just pretend it's jaundice porn. Or just pretend it's the Jersey Shore cast after Ronnie accidentally pisses into the house's fake tan sprayer instead of the toilet. Sexy, right?
Kelsey Grammer is currently playing the gay owner of a drag club in La Cage Aux Folles on Broadway and Camille suggested to Howard Stern this morning that starring in the show must be giving him a permanent boner. Without saying the actual words, Camille coyly cocked her beautiful "ceramic iguana skull dipped in honey wax" head towards the dressing room where Kelsey keeps all of his glamorous dresses from Janet's Closet.
TMZ says that shortly after Kelsey signed, sealed and delivered Camille's pink slip, she told her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills castmates the same thing. Here's part of the transcript from Camille's conversation with Howard about how Kelsey's dick lips quiver when he puts a marabou robe on.
CG - Listen, I don't think he's gay. I do think he likes being with women, but there's something between us that just didn't click.
HS - But you're saying you don't think he's gay. You said that when he got into La Cage Aux Folles he was in the right play.
CS - Ahahahahahaaaaa. That's for another reason.
HS - What's the other reason?
CS - I'm not going to aaaaaanswer.
Robin - He likes to dress up like a woman?
CS - I didn't say it! I'm not talking about it.
HS - Are you saying in your marriage that Kelsey dressed up like a woman?
CS - I'm not saying it.
HS - No kidding. What's that like? When a guy comes into bed with... Poor Camille. Honey, why didn't you call me? Did he ever dress up in your... Did he ever stretch out your panties when he put them on? You're a tiny girl. You don't have any body fat.
CS - He has um...he um....he has a little waist. I don't know what to say.
Camille quickly said that Kelsey's all man and she better not say anything else or she'll get slapped with a lawsuit. Kelsey's rep responded by saying he won't respond: "While it is not clear why Camille Grammer continues making public statements about her marriage to Kelsey, it is crystal clear that Kelsey will continue not responding, regardless of content."
If Camille didn't look like the Nasonex Bee, I probably wouldn't like her ass. I hate when she sticks the tip in, pulls it out and then coos, "I didn't do that! I didn't do that!" She's always saying shit and then trying to say she never said it. Either do the smart gold digging thing by keeping your lips shut about anything Kelsey-related, or come out and blatantly say that Frasier's peen honks for fishnets. Not that it matters either way, but damn. Own it or shut the fuck up.