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When Shakira and Antonio de la Rua told all of us to gather in the "nice" living room and sit in a row on the sofa, we knew something serious was going to go down. But when they carried the armchairs from the dining room and sat in front of us, we knew something serious SERIOUS was going down. Then Shakira pulled out a letter the two co-wrote during one of their therapy sessions and calmly told us that after 11 years together, they quietly split last summer. We might have noticed that Antonio hasn't been around lately. Shakira made excuses like, "Oh, he's working late and is going to sleep on the sofa in his office." But the truth is, Antonio moved out! They still love us very much and we can visit Antonio at his new apartment any time we want. And then Shakira softly read the letter (via Shakira's blog):

Dear Friends,

During our almost 11 years together we have loved each other deeply, taken care of each other and stood by one another. They have been the most wonderful years of our lives, and thanks to that love and the respect that we share for one another we have been an exceptional couple and partners.

However, since August 2010, we made a mutual decision to take time apart from our romantic relationship. Throughout this time we have continued to work together hand in hand, have remained close and have kept the details absolutely private until now.

We view this period of separation as temporary and as a time of individual growth as we continue to be partners in our business and professional lives.

Antonio continues to oversee and conduct my business and career interests as he has always done. We move forward as partners, developing projects together, working hand in hand and in close communication. Our friendship and understanding of one another is unwavering and indestructible.

We would like to advise that we will not be giving interviews or making more statements with respect to this matter and we appreciate in advance your understanding and respect during this sensitive time in our lives.

Shakira and Antonio

I really do love that they wrote a letter that started with "Dear Friends..." Doesn't it make you feel all special? Like your parents giving you the "divorce" talk. But Shakira and Antonio really didn't have to write that letter. They just had to show us the picture above and it would've told us everything. Yup, that dog is definitely THAT KIND OF DOG. The kind of dog who splits up longterm relationships with his constant loud ass middle of the night lickings that wakes up everybody! Shakira was sick of waking up to the sound of SLURP SLURP SLURP coming from the foot of her bed. Okay, we all want to wake up to the slurping sound coming from down below, but now when it's a dog licking on his own ass at full volume! Get your own room, dog!

(Thanks to Ken for sending this in)

If rain isn't falling from the sky then snow is. If snow isn't falling from the sky then dead birds are. If dead birds aren't falling from the sky then BABIES!!!!! are. One of those BABIES!!! falling from the sky used to be a tiny spermling hanging out in Owen Wilson's nutsack. Owen Wilson's rep confirms to Entertainment Weekly that his 42-year-old ass is going to become a father for the very first time. The mother of his child is his girlfriend of a year Jade Duell.

Owen's rep basically just confirmed that Jade's knocked up and said that both of them are really happy. Thankfully, he kept it simple and didn't say they were "Over the Moon" happy. One of Owen's friends tells UsWeekly that Jade is due any day now.

My only thought about this news is that it sort of sucks that Owen's nose didn't come naturally (he broke it in a high school football accident). I mean, I know that if I was a baby I'd want a nose that looks like a pinched and crooked peen with an extra long urethra.

Which staunchly sober actor was spotted repeatedly sniffing the contents of a plastic container on a recent movie set, and when asked by the crew what he was inhaling, said: "Whiskey?" (Page Six)

No black bar over the eyeballs or question mark needed since this is Russell Brand. Russell sniffed on the sweet nectar to get into character for Arthur. Just like how you inhale scratch n' sniff vodka stickers in the handicapped stall in your office's restroom to remind yourself that happy hour is just 45 games of Solitaire away.

Click here to read the New York Times article (6th paragraph down) about Russell's method.

Which former supermodel who has a long-term boyfriend was spotted getting hot and heavy with a gorgeous, leggy female blonde in the back of a limo on the way to Atlantic City, causing blushes from the driver who politely "raised the partition"? (Page Six)

Naomi Campbell and one of her assistants? But by "hot and heavy" they mean Naomi was whoopin' that trick with her Blackberry. Or this could also be Ty Ty Banks who was only making out with a blonde in the black of a limo so that one day she can say, "Well, I know that when I was getting hot and heavy with a gorgeous female blonde in the back of a limo...."

Which longtime married A-list actor is having a secret affair with a former foreign beauty queen who now works at a top New York restaurant? (Page Six)

Tommy Girl and Mr. Gay International 2009?

This one is almost too odd to be true, but it happened. This couple with a short lived relationship that recently split claimed to do so amicably, when in truth the male was a hanger-on that had an annoying habit. The story goes that he was constantly leaving items at her apartment so he’d have a reason to stop by. The final straw was when she made sure to clean up all of his stuff and return it to him so he wouldn’t find an excuse to show up for no reason. After a long day on set, she returned home to find several urgent messages from him (while high) claiming that he desperately needed to get in to her apartment to retrieve his…….. teeth. After that, she dumped him. (BuzzFoto)

Denise Richards & Nikki Sixx? Or Adam Duritz & Emmy Rossum?

There is a music studio on NYC owned by one of the biggest labels on the planet. Mostly hip hop artists record there, but there are lots of others too. Apparently it is the studio that is known for the most and biggest pot smokers in the music business. Snoop records there. Method Man. You get the picture. Well, despite the presence of those formidable opponents, the person who smokes the most pot in this studio is this A list singer who was in a big group and has done really well on his own. Hmm, he is also married and has collaborated on a really big hit too. (CDAN)

I don't have a damn clue, but are they hiring human air filters?

The National Enquirer had Michael Douglas booking a one-way ticket to heaven through Travelocity, but he tells Matt Lauer in an interview airing tomorrow morning on Today that Jesus is going to have to find another angel to play Gordon Gekko in their cloud production of Wall Street, because he won't be checking in anytime soon. After going through chemo and radiation treatment, Michael says there's no trace of the tumor in his froat and he's on his way to a full recovery.

Michael tells Matt, "I feel good, relieved. The tumor is gone. But, you know, I have to check out on a monthly basis now to maintain. I think the odds are with the tumor gone and what I know about this particular type of cancer [is] that I've got it beat. I have to check out on a monthly basis now to maintain. I guess there's not a total euphoria. I'll probably take a couple of months of getting checked out. But it's been a wild six-month ride. All of a sudden the affection from my family, from my friends, and from my fans hit me at a much deeper level than I would have ever imagined before. And it gave me a really new appreciation of just how valuable, how precious good friends are and family. And it's not that I disregarded them before but there's a much deeper feeling."

Michael's now eating like he's got a Kirstie Alley in his stomach and says he's put about 12 pounds of chunk on his body and he's got 20 more to go.

And I thought finding a half-eaten, old bag of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies in my freezer today was good news. But finding out that Michael Douglas will soon be well enough to star in ANOTHER Romancing the Stone movie is even better news.

via People

Despite the fact that peroxide is melting her scalp off, Katie Price throws her best sexyface at some event - Hollywood Tuna

Lucky ass Marion Cotillard is going to get one of those French government nannies now (File under: things I've learned while watching Sicko) - Lainey Gossip

Isn't JWoww always under some form of anesthesia (examples: coke, collagen fumes, Snooki's queefs, etc...)? - The Superficial

Tom Ford and his silvery boo on Out Magazine - Towleroad

Veronica Sawyer is looking hot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are licking on each other's holes in Jackson Hole - Celebitchy

Keira Knightley got into the Sharpie drawer again - The Berry

Where does the gas pump go exactly? - Popoholic

Bjork covers Joy Division - TDW

Spanish nalgas alert - OMG Blog

When is Jared Leto going to get it through his beautiful elfin head that a bottle of peroxide is not his friend! - Just Jared

Wendie Malick made use of the ugliest prom dress in the world and an early 90s blazer from The Limited - Go Fug Yourself

Suri Cruise's idea of pure heaven: fucking up the shoe shelves at some department store - Popsugar

Denise Richards and Nikki Sixx broke up - ICYDK

The male chastity belt doubles as a dildo too! - NYC Barstool Sports

What happens when you don't have Ken Paves in your life anymore - I'm Not Obsessed

Penguins!!!! - Cityrag

Nooooooow KISS! - SOW

Olivia Munn's pantless Maxim cover - Hollywood Rag

Looking like a wonk-eyed Tweetie Bird with a weave on, Giada De Laurentiis is on the cover of February's Redbook and inside she talks about the rumor that she spread her homemade pesto all over John Mayer's dicKKK and how she'll always be the perfect June Cleaver for her husband so his peen never wanders into the pussy of another. Since Giada is a TV star who makes millions of dollars, she puts on the apron when she gets home and makes sure to polish her husband's royal balls while polishing his shoes at the same time. And you wimmins out there better do the same! From HuffPo:

On the John Mayer rumor: "The John Mayer incident was completely unexpected. I was shocked. And not so much for me, but for my husband and family. . . Todd was embarassed that his family in Michigan would see it and think, What is going on over there in Hollywood?... What made it all even more surprising is that I haven't had any contact with John Mayer in three years. You know how you'll briefly get introduced to somebody? Maybe we chatted for five minutes, but I wouldn't consider that intimate.... I think the only things that could have possibly have tied us together is that we were at the same hotel that weekend in question--which, by the way, my husband was with me there as well."

On how she's into traditional husband and wife roles: "I think it can be hard for any man to sometimes be upstaged by his wife. So when I'm home, I work very hard to be Todd's wife and Jade's mother. I have no problem going back to those traditional roles. I try to be Giada, the young girl that he met 20 years ago and fell in love with. All men want to be treated like kings in a relationship, and I think if women don't indulge that sometimes, their men are likely to stray and look for someone who can give that to them."

I can't fuck with Giada's cooking show since her pronunciation of Italian recipes makes my ears wrinkle like the pepperoncinis in Olive Garden's bottomless salad. Mmmmm Olive Garden.

There's a few rumors and blind items about Giada's ho shit ways, so this is probably just her trying to keep the fresco of her as a perfect wife intact. If the blind items are true, then that fresco of Giada flashing her three rows of teeth while serving a pie don't show her side piece licking on her buns down below. Well played, Giada (not really).

International Male's customer of the century, Dr. Robert Rey of E!'s Dr. 90210, flashed his tits and showed off the Shock Jock in his pants outside of Boa Steakhouse in West Hollywood on Saturday night. Across the city, Cher probably wore the EXACT same outfit but at least she had the decency to put a black lace bra underneath her mesh blouse. No, Dr. Rey is perfect just the way he is. I say that because this motherfucker looks like the circuit party boy member of The House of Erebus who sucks peen before he sucks the blood out of his victims. That is a look!

Somewhere Jennifer Love Hewitt is biting off pieces of raw Crescent Roll dough while stroking the "This Generation's Audrey Hepburn: Jennifer Love Hewitt" certificate she made herself, because Jakey Gyllenhaal called Natalie Portman the true reincarnation of Audrey Hepburn. Or some mess like this. Jakey pursed his precious lips and said this at the Palm Springs International Film Festival this past weekend:

"Natalie is the Audrey Hepburn of our generation. She is elegant, graceful, has amazing eyebrows ... is talented, really short, funny, smart, dedicated, incredibly kind. She's a vegan, which makes it really frustrating when you're picking a place to eat. She's also recently announced that she's going to be a mom, and her child will probably need therapy after seeing Black Swan."

"Has amazing eyebrows...."? Jakey is a fellow eyebrow aficionado whose lash tips tingle at the sight of a perfectly executed arch? If Mah Boo doesn't devote an entire show to the history of the cholita brow, I'm going to rename my boyfriend pillow "Jakey." But back to the mess at hand....

Jakey needs to stop! Natalie Portman is not the Audrey Hepburn of our anything. Jake is more of a modern day Audrey than Natalie's ass is! Don't believe me? Picture Natalie gliding down a flight of stairs with chiffon blowing behind her the way she did in Funny Face. Now let's see Jakey do the same thing:

Exactly.

The only time Tom Hardy's name should be linked to the Lohans is if it's announced that he will play the role of Michael Lohan in gay porn parody on the Lohan saga. That is the only time. But since 2012 is sitting across the room and blowing air kisses at us, the rules have changed. TMZ reports that Tom Hardy, who has been dry for 7 years, is Lindsay's new sober mentor and showing her how to keep her face worms off the bottle and her nostrils off the bad shit.

TMZ's source says that Tom and LiLo met through a mutual friend. They had dinner last week and Tom is filling LiLo's head with advice on how to stay riding shot gun on the wagon.

This is not going to end well. Tom Hardy is the best of both worlds for LiLo. I mean, Tom's got a dick on the crotch and labia lips on the mouth! Bitch is a two in one. LiLo can get on the peen while munching on the sloppy cooch on his face. We're going to have to turn the garden hose on her and pry her off with a crowbar. You know, the same drill Nana Lohan does whenever White Oprah tries to get into her medicine cabinet.

Here's LiLo being totally annoying at a Lakers game in L.A. last night while looking like if a dusty Muppet played the role of Lisa in Girl, Interrupted.

Because the media has to find a celebrity connection with every single real news story that happens in the U.S., Mary Hart's interns topped searching Ancestry.com to see if she is indeed the secret love child of Rosie the Robot and a Howdy Doody wax figure (SPOILER ALERT: she is), and instead focused their energy on trying to pull a famous name out of the Tucson shooting. They have succeeded, because Entertainment Tonight brings us the highly important news that Gwyneth Paltrow is related to congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. Fishsticks' late father was the first cousin of Gabrielle Gifford's father, thus making them second cousins. ET asked Fishsticks to comment on the tragedy and she did:

"Although I have never had the pleasure of meeting congresswoman Giffords, my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family as well as the other victims of this horrible act of senseless violence."

UsWeekly says that Sophia Bush, that girl from Zero Stump Molehill, also Tweeted that she's the second cousin of the young girl who was killed in the shooting.

Aaaaand now you know.