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This is why you should never trust an escapee from The Village of the Damned who looks like SamRo with an unpruned Bieber cut. Kelly Osbourne broke up with her ex-fiance Luke Worrall months ago, but she claims that lately he has tried to pull the parking BRAKE in her heart and get back with her. That was just the fuel that Kelly needed to unleash a rage-filled Twitter monologue (a Twitterologue, if you will) where she called him a famewhoring cunt (1 point for Kelly) and claims he down low dicked hundreds of chicks AND dudes while he was with her. Since I will never get tired of seeing a stale Twinkie pop its cream out, Kelly needs to show us pictures or it didn't happen.

Here's the words spilled all over Kelly's Blackberry this morning. Let "BRAKING Up Is Hard To Do" be the soundtrack for Kelly's meltdown:

MissKellyO
@Luke_worrall is the biggest piece of shit he has been trying to get back w/ me I only came home for Xmas to see him mean while he has been

MissKellyO
Fucking 100's of girls as we as men behind my back all he did was use me all girls beware of @Luke_worral he is a using Cunt!

MissKellyO
He used me for my money and a free ride he is lucky I am not spilling the hole truth about what he did!

MissKellyO
He is the worst thing that ever happened to me I don't give a fuck what happens to him anymore

MissKellyO
Iam and always will be 2 good 4 @luke_worrall darling ur pretty face will only get you so far because u don't have the brains to back it up

MissKellyO
Dont think I have ever felt so stupid he made a fool of me going to be off Twitter for a while never felt heart brake like this in my life

Luke responded by Twating this out:

luke_worrall
lies on twitter awesome

I love a good Twitter rant as much as I love the half-popped kernel at the bottom of the popcorn bowl and Kelly O pretty much covered all the bases. Even though we all figured Luke was a Herp-a-Derp gold digger who would suck on a seed beetles' spiked dick if it earned him a blurb in OK! Magazine, I'm glad Kelly is sitting on the same page with us now.

And will one of you please get into the gay porn game so that you can use "Hole Truth" as your stage name. That name can't go to waste.

via Daily Mail

And no, that baby friend in turquoise leggings is not theirs. Elton John and David Furnish got a new model fresh out of the womb factory! After years of trying to get an adorable slobbering of their very own, Elton and his husband David announced to UsWeekly that their new son was born via a surrogate in California on Christmas Day! Please please please lie to me and tell me the surrogate's name is Mary.

Unfortunately, Elton and David did not name their son Glasses Tiara Furnish-John. They turned it down a bit and gave him the almost normal name of: Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. Yeah, that Levon. If I was Elton and wanted to name my child after one of my songs, I would've went with "The Bitch Is Back" but that's just me. Here's what 62-year-old Elton and 48-year-old David said about their new bundle of slobber and coos:

"We are overwhelmed with happiness and joy at this very special moment. Zachary is healthy and doing really well, and we are very proud and happy parents."

I was reading the comments at another site and many bitches were crying out shit like: "That's selfish! Those old hags are too old to raise a baby!" "When that baby graduates, one of those old bitches is going to be coughing up Benefiber balls in the audience and the other is going to be bothering everyone with his geriatric farts! Blah! Blah! Blah!" "That poor child will have to learn how to jumpstart a Hoveround by the age of 6!"

Give me a fucking break. I can't predict what kind of parents Elton and David will be, but as long as they keep Baby Zachary covered in rhinestones, wigs, glitter and pink tutus, they'll do fine. Besides just because you're of baby chasing age, doesn't mean you're going to make a wonderful parent. The other day I was at the grocery store and some young mother kept barking all kinds of nonsense at her daughter in front of everyone. You know, I'm all for yelling at brats, but this little girl wasn't really doing anything wrong. At one point, the girl started dancing with a loaf of bread and the bitch mom goes, "Put that down, Renee! You look like a little idiotic slut!" Idiotic slut. Nice. The "idiotic" part was WAY over the line. It's not like the loaf of bread she was dancing with was Wonder Bread. It was sourdough or some shit. She obviously made the right decision and her mom still threw hate at her.

Black & Decker, Massengill and Lindsay Lohan have teamed up to bring you Firecrotch Odor Eliminating Wipes (side effects include, scarring, sparking, a slight pink color to infected area, dizzy spells, failed career, and repetitiveness) - Ms Bonita

Runners-up:

Don't rush to cut off the chastity belt, nobody wants in. - Team Valtrex

Try as she might, Amy Winehouse could not get rid of Pete Doherty's "souvenirs." - Mary Read

The latest in waxing techniques, the Brazilian Taco, which is guaranteed to get rid of extra cheese - Motto: Think Outside the Lips. - Pat MaGroin

via Cracked

The Giant Cauliflower Sheep That Never Was! - I can't mess with cauliflower unless I dunk it in batter, deep fry it, douse it with shredded packaged cheese and bits of bacon, but this clip still makes me feel sad for all those involved.

At the Alternative Food Festival in Wales last month, they were just a few more hundred cauliflower florets away from giving the Giant Cauliflower Sheep FULL LIFE when it quit this bitch by falling over. Damn. Damn. Damn. The dude on the ladder makes a face like me when the waiter at Red Lobster says it's going to be another 10-minutes before he can bring the cheesy biscuits out. For real sadness. But pieces of the Giant Cauliflower Sheep will forever live on in the stomachs (and later in the caca drops) of the pigeons who probably pecked at it while it was down.

via Arbroath

Sienna Miller (29)
David Archuleta (20)
Mackenzie Rosman (21)
Thomas Dekker (23)
Vanessa Ferlito (30)
Noomi Rapace (31)
John Legend (32)
Seth Meyers (37)
Malcolm Gets (46)
Joe Diffie (52)
Denzel Washington (56)
Gayle King (56)
Maggie Smith (76)
Nichelle Nichols (78)
Stan Lee (88)

When I first read at People that Falcor's long-lost twin sister LeAnn Rimes is engaged to Eddie Cibrian, I had to rotate and squint my eyes at the date to make sure it wasn't a repeat story from last month or the one before. LeAnn and Eddie's stupid asses have already put the wolf to shame by crying out their faux engagement news over and over again. They did it in October and November, but apparently this one is sticking. LeAnn's spokeswhore farted out to People Magazine that the two have once again caused the sanctity of marriage to rolls its eyes by getting engaged over the holidays at her home in Los Angeles.

People even has a TOTALLY NOT STAGED picture of LeAnn flashing the ring SHE TOTALLY DID NOT BUY HERSELF (REPEAT: SHE DID NOT GIVE EDDIE HER BLACK AMEX AND TELL HIM TO GO PAY FOR THE RING SHE DESIGNED HERSELF THE DAY THEY STARTED FUCKING. NO) in Malibu today.

LeAnn spread the news on Twitter too:

For those who haven't read, Eddie and I got engaged over the holidays. That's the news. It's for real this tine and the first time EVER!
18 minutes ago

So funny, my dear publicist is the same rep for Natalie Portman and me. So much for his vacation lol!!! Love you Rhett!!!!!
13 minutes ago

@asu_juliette the ring is out there. Someone got a shot of us at the beach, so that's not much a secret, but the rest is very personal and sweet. I was shocked to say the least.
2 minutes ago

Shocked, she says?! Yeah, soooooo shocked even though she wrote out Eddie's proposal speech on the palm of his hand and promised him an extra $200 bonus if he did it with feeling. Shocked. And personally, I won't really believe this news until I see Eddie skipping down Rodeo Drive while singing "I'm in the Moooney."

This very famous film star looks happy lately. Well, we know what’s putting that grin on his face. He’s really enjoying his newest project. What he is enjoying most about it is the outstanding chemistry he has with his younger co-star. It’s the kind of special relationship that makes them want to spend lots of quality time alone together in trailers and hotel rooms. His wife knows about it, but they have been living separate lives for months now, so she really doesn’t care. Any bad behavior on his part simply provides her with another chip in her pocket in case anything goes awry with their impending divorce. (Blind Gossip)

Tommy Girl and Jeremy Renner on the new Mission Impossible movie? And now Jeremy Renner knows why all of his dirty chonies and socks always go missing from the laundry basket in his trailer.

While having dinner with friends this C list actress that started out as a singer, got very drunk and tried to drive home. Her friends wouldn’t let her and ended up dropping her off at a buddy’s house to spend the night until she sobered up. The ‘buddy’ decided it would be a good idea to add drugs into the nightly fun and the actress ended up trying to walk back to her house with only a shirt on chanting “The black dog runs at night” over and over. A neighbor saw the half naked woman roaming the streets and called authorities. Once they realized who she was, she wasn’t arrested but taken to her manager’s house with a promise never to do it again. (BuzzFoto)

Mya? Katherine McPhee? Assholee Simpson? Or any C list actress who owns the Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me DVD.

Portia de Rossi (aka forever Mandy Rogers of Horsham to me) must be seriously in love, OR SOMETHING, with Ellen Degeneres, because how did she let her leave the 5-star hotel looking like Larry David starring in a remake of Cocoon in the Wilford Brimley role? If you really love someone, you'd gently pull that hat off their head and slap their face with it before sticking that entire outfit in the in-sink-erator.

Here's more of Portia and Ellen doing rich people stuff in St. Barts over the weekend. Ugh. I'm surprised Ellen didn't go FULL FUG by carrying a dark-sided CROCS tote.

Lil' Kim or did Fergie finally complete her transformation into a full-blown Muppet? - Cityrag

But in more important news, Suri Cruise let Stepford Katie out of the dungeon in those boots? - Lainey Gossip

Country Strong really should've been called Cheetos Strong - The Superficial

Personally, I get through mass by getting drunk on communion wine before passing out underneath one of the back pews, but that's just me - NYC Barstool Sports

My prayers have been answered, because we might get a Mickey Rourke gay fuck scene soon! - Towleroad

If Katie Price, an orange pony and Brit Brit's old pink wig collided in the basement of a back alley plastic surgeon's office - Hollywood Tuna

Sinbad still exists (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Never mind Tim Burton's snoring, Helena Bonham Carter's make-up is a thing of artistic beauty - Celebitchy

Emmanuelle Chriqui is dating Luke Perry circa 2008 - Popoholic

Brit Brit's new song is going to be another poetic masterpiece - Just Jared

A couple that handles balls together, stays together - Popsugar

I highly disagree with #13 - The Berry

That's offensive to Magda from There's Something About Mary - ICYDK

Dude in the purple behind Cameron Diaz is saying it all - Moe Jackson

Hugh Hefner got engaged, Holly Madison swallowed an entire Entenmann's section. Hmm. Do I sense a connection? - I'm Not Obsessed

Gay Fish swam up to the shore to attend the Lakers game with Pimp Mama Kris - Necole Bitchie

If Valentino drops a glove and one of his many servants isn't there to catch it, did it really fall in the first place? - Hollywood Rag

This just confirms that the end is definitely near - Jezebel

A seductive young pussy who knows to put on bunny ears before throwing a smoldering sexyface at the camera? Yeah, she'll be Hugh Hefner's new fiancee in about 5 years.

And shut the hell up, it's not playing in reverse! Some cats just love dressing up for their owners (No, cats do not love dressing up for their owners and it's totally playing in reverse)!

via Buzzfeed