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Above is Kim Kardashian looking like a factory defected Real Doll that is a #1 seller among Sleestaks, and below are pictures of Gay Fish struttin' that ass into a studio in Los Angeles yesterday to take part in her new music video directed by Hype Williams. Yes, TMZ says that Gay Fish is going to fluff his gills and swish his sway in the video for Kim Kardashian's first single. WHY YE WHY?! Why do you make us cry by putting your hand on the gun that will shoot a load of vomit into all of our ear holes?! WHYYYY!
I mean, Kim's song will force Bobby Brown's doody bubble poppin' finger into retirement since it will be the new thing that lures a shit gurgle out of its hole. Does Gay Fish want to be a part of that (SPOILER ALERT: Yes, he does) ?! If Gay Fish's NOT RIGHT ass knows what's good, he'll Taylor Swift that bitch by turning off the auto-tune and yanking the mic out of her hand.
That wheezy old queen Rupert Everett has stumbled onto the stage with a sloshy martini in one hand and an ashy cigarette in the other to serve us another spoon full of his piping hot cunt nectar. Rupert's face looks like a grandpa's wrinkly testicle and he's just as itchy on the inside. Thank the fuck for that, because I do love a good bitchy quote from Rupert. And this time Rupert is going on about how Hollywood is still homophobic and how it's a shame that Jennifer Aniston is the epitome of a flop queen and yet she's still embraced by the powers that be. Pull up a ripped velvet stool and breathe in the smoke that Rupert exhaled to BBC's Radio 4:
On how even though you can't spell "show business" without glitter and sequins, it's still a straight world: "I think show business is ideally suited for heterosexuals, it's a very heterosexual business, it's run mostly by heterosexual men, and there's a kind of pecking order. I think the position of women is a pretty difficult one in show business. If you look at the idea of a drunk women in show business on the skids at the age of 50, and a drunken man in show business on the skids, the drunken man gets an awful amount of support, and the women is a slut."
On how the system is biased: "The audience has a completely perception of the performers than the business... But the business is what makes the stars, really. There are lots of women and lots of men in the business that the powers that be decide are the right people and they'll stand with them for quite a long time."
On Jennifer Aniston: "Like Jennifer Aniston will just have one too many total flops. But she's still a member of that club. And she will still manage to -- like a star forming in the universe -- a whole lot of things swirling around and suddenly solidifying into yet another vital tasteless romcom: a little glitter next to the Crab Nebula."
There is a crusty layer of truth on top of the shit that comes out of Rupert's mouth, but maybe just maybe he can't get a job because not everyone is like us. Not everyone loves a bitter old bitch around them all the time. Sad, but true. I mean, take what Rupert said about sad ole' Jennifer Aniston. If Rupert simply played sweet by buttering Aniston up, she probably would've instantly fell in love with him and taken him in as her gay husband. Then while Aniston was out earning millions of dollars for starring in those horrific romcoms that always find their way to the bottom of my Netflix queue, Rupert could've leisurely lounged in the yard of her mansion while picking a wedgie out of the South American pool boy's ass. Rupert could've had it all!!!!!
Who doesn't love an ice cold snow dick? Well, apparently some snow dick haters in Lafayette, Indiana don't - TDW
The Millipeen who knocked up Natalie Portman is already giving quotes to People Magazine. This is going to end well. - Lainey Gossip
I bet Brett Favre wishes they'd fine him per inch - The Superficial
Bar Refaeli, still in a bikini (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Vanessa Hudgens has manners, covers her root canal bref for the paps - Hollywood Tuna
DJ Earworm's Top 40 mash of 2010 - Towleroad
Charlie Sheen had himself a Charlie Sheen Christmas - Celebitchy
Is that a chocolate Twizzler around Jessica Simpson's head? - Popoholic
Matt Damon's True Grit stache is mesmerizing - The Berry
Kim Porter is back on Diddy's yacht - Popsugar
Nicole Richie is freeeeeeee - Just Jared
Owen Wilson is no dead - ICYDK
Can we move Snooki's ball drop to the Chilean mines? - I'm Not Obsessed
Uggs on an UGH - Hollywood Rag
Kitteh's first snow - Cityrag
Valtrex run! - Moe Jackson
Note: My ass was running around like a cat in need of a Q-tip today, so the CAPTION THIS Contest will return tomorrow!
On Mah Boo 36me last night, the Silver Fox debuted a new pair of Rachel Maddow-like glasses that he will wear on the streets of NYC so he can clearly see me running at him with a mouth full of foam, eyes full of CRAZY and arms full of love to give him. Kathy Griffin called it when she said those glasses were definitely indoor glasses. To me, they're specifically bedroom glasses if I ain't being too subtle. This is obviously just Mah Boo's way of getting me to name drop CumOnMyGlasses.com again. It worked!
Here's the ethereal wind chime of a goddess Etty Farrell and her husband Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction just posing in various forms of nekkidness in their kitchen to promote their show Married to Rock in the UK. Etty better be wearing a cooch cup made of high-grade steel, because if Perry accidentally slipped on the garbage disposal switch...BOOM! Suddenly, Etty's ass is a segment on the Discovery Channel where she has to explain how she lost her chocha in a tragic garbage disposal accident. IT CAN HAPPEN! Yes, I've put my genitals in some dangerous places before (I'm not naming names), but the garbage disposal is where I draw the line with a Sharpie. Although, I'd probably have a touch decision on my hands if I was ever faced with a garbage disposal shaped like Prince Hot Ginge's silhouette.
And seriously, this photo shoot needed less ho in a sink and more Perry bulge.
Massengill bottles spontaneously popped the day the douchebag of all douches Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild married his girlfriend Christina McLarty in a civil ceremony in Mexico almost two months ago. At the time, Joe pretty much tried to crown himself the new gay rights leader when he said that they wouldn't partake in a traditional marriage ceremony until their gay and lesbian friends can. Basically, Joe was just protecting his shit by throwing a rainbow flag around it. But that was definitely a good move, because after only two months, Joe's marriage to Christina has been roofied and left on the stained carpet of a Super 8 motel. Radar says that Christina has moved out of their Bel Air mansion and is living with her mother.
The source says that they're not sure if Christina's going to move back in with Joe, but the way things look right now their marriage is headed straight for divorce. Joe was apparently talking about the split at the Kardashian family Christmas party, "He was talking about the details of the separation openly while at the Kardashian holiday party. Christina moved out a bit after Thanksgiving."
Joe denied the story to Radar and then he asked to see their tits.
Let's say this shit is true, then Joe should be proud of himself because his marriage lasted twice as long as any of us thought it would! I mean, just think of having to restrain your fists every single morning from wanting to punch Joe in his highly punchable face after waking up to him? There's not enough Valium, praying or Xanax in the world to control that urge. It's as much of a natural instinct as farting in the tub to make a water bubble. Christina probably had to check out before she chewed her damn fists off. So Joe should really give himself a nice pat on the back for proving us all wrong. And by pat on the back, I mean punch to his own face.
Kelsey Grammer has something to say about the rumor that he's trying to light a BIC under divorce's asshole so that it can get moving and legally remove Camille Grammer from his everything. The rumor also claims that the second he signs his divorce papers from Camille, he wants to use the same pen to sign his marriage certificate to his new blonde piece Kayte Walsh. Kelsey tells People that the rumors are pretty much true and he's marrying Kayte, because he looooooves her. And here we were thinking that the thumping coming from Kelsey's body was just his Viagra-fed dick bouncing for new fresh meat, but it was actually his heart beating out love's name. Aw. This is what Kelsey said:
"Kayte and I are marrying because we are engaged, and we are engaged because we are in love and see no reason to postpone our happiness any longer. We are planning something we wish to be a private affair among several of our friends. Anything else is conjecture and false. Kayte and I are the only reliable source for this story. End of story."
My allegiance will always belong to Camille and her precious face which looks like a sculpture of Mushu the Dragon molded from a mound of Silly Putty by an artist with two left hands, but DAMN that Kayte is the Apolo Ohno of gold diggers. In a year's time, Kelsey met Kayte, dropped Camille for her and is now trying to speed up his divorce so he can marry her as soon as fucking possible. As the poet of our time Calvin Tran once said: "Oh, now the new ballgame has just drop-it." Yes, Kayte has definitely dropped a new speed gold digging game on our asses and she knows it. If that isn't a "U MAD?" face Kayte is making in that picture above, then I don't know what is anymore.
Justin Beiber fans scramble for the half-eaten hot dog he threw away. - jazzfish_77
Eddie Cibrian's sperm: "Guys, looks we took a wrong turn and ended up at LeAnne Rimes's career." - smazz
Auditions for Teen Mom start out with prospective stars hiding in various locations to see if they have the potential to be sperm magnets. - starvis
We're still 4 brain cells and a case of spray tan away from an episode of Jersey Shore. - Team Valtrex
This Russian street busker who proves that Kurt Cobain is alive! We all knew it. Kurt staged his death, dipped his hair in a bowl of brown dye, stowed away on a freight boat headed for Russia and is now singing for coins down in the subway while wearing the cardigan my grandma bought from the Stayin' Alive section at the Salvation Army in Oakland.
Somewhere in Washington, Courtney Love is furiously digging at a random grave with a plastic spork to find out if Kurt's body is in the coffin or not! Dun. Dun. Dun. Yeah, nobody remind Court that Kurt was cremated. Let her dig.