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Sadly, it looks like Tara Reid just couldn't make love work with Michael Assman, the Internet millionaire who made prostates percolate and gaydars crash, reboot and crash again. But fear not, Tara has found a new love to hold her hand so she doesn't drunkenly stumble into the gutter and to wipe the vom from the corner of her mouth after she neatly barfs into her purse in the middle of a crowded bar (a ladylike talent I've seen for myself LIVE and in person). Tara posed outside of a restaurant in Copenhagen last night with her new boyfriend Michael Lillelund, a Dutch businessman-type who is most likely now fluent in the language of drunkensluranese.

You know, I have a feeling that this one is going to work. And even if it doesn't, at least Tara will be one step closer to completing her life goal of getting blackout wasted in every country. Guinness World Records better save a spot!

Will you take a look at that beautifully precious face that looks like a Madame puppet that barely survived a terrible tanning bed explosion? What kind of MONSTER would deny that face half of their fortune? Ask your grandma what her favorite sitcom that's set in Seattle is and you'll get the answer: FRASIER!

We already know that Camille deserves $50 million from Kelsey, but now Page Six is saying that he tried to completely rip her off by offering her only $30 million! Yes, ONLY $30 million! It's going to cost a lot more than that to get Tennis Nick to leave his wife (that bitch is married, right?) for Camille. Kelsey is so fucking selfish!

And if that isn't already a work of hateful evilness, a source says that Kelsey doesn't want to give Camille spousal or child support on top of the $30 million. THE AUDACITY! Since Camille is a serious business woman in the body of a Saran-wrapped gecko, she shut Kelsey's offer down. A source went on to say, "She rejected an offer from Kelsey just before Christmas. He wasn't offering child support or alimony, and told her through his lawyers that she'd get enough in the settlement. Because there is no prenup, Camille was certain she'd get up to $50 million, because she's a partner in his TV company and entitled to half the money he made from shows, including 'Frasier,' while they were married. "She has accepted their marriage is over and that he wants to marry Kayte in January. Camille wants it all over, too. But what she can't accept is how he's parading around Kayte, who looks like the cat who swallowed the canary. Their public make-out sessions are really insensitive because of their kids."

Anybody who watches Real Housewives of Beverly Hills knows that Camille has REAL bills to pay. She has to pay her house manager, her four nannies, her stylist (who also gets a bonus for being her friend), her medium (who also gets a bonus for being her friend), etc... etc... I know that Camille may look like she's made of melted orange Nerf balls bought at a KB Toy Store fire sale, but it takes a lot of money to be her. If Camille had to make a sandwich for her own kids, the planet would stop spinning and plummet to our DOOOOOOM!

Dear Cash Warren, What the hell kind of wrap-around booty grab is that? - Hollywood Tuna

Springfield, Missouri is getting doused in holy rays shooting off of Brangelina's halos - Lainey Gossip

To the founding forefathers of America, this is what we've done with our time - The Superficial

Emily Blunt just sprawled out on a big rock for Vogue (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Cats are like my abuelita, they can take a nap absolutely anywhere...even inside of a Christmas tree - The Chive

The Post turns Elton John into a flaming heterosexual - Towleroad

Kelly Preston isn't happy that John Travolta spent a few days snowballing with his friends - Celebitchy

Demi Moore is in St. Barts too - Popoholic

Fuggie Fug is in St. Barts too too - Hollywood Rag

Rest in peace, Bobby Farrell... - TDW

Ashley Greene's bitch is looking good....and her dog isn't look too shabby either - Just Jared

Like Naomi Campbell reads, she just brings that book along in case she needs to beat a bitch over the head. A book is just a medieval Blackberry - Popsugar

Ryan Phillipe is happy for his ex-wife - ICYDK

The bottom of Chris Brown's heart is covered with bull shit so I guess this apology is too - Necole Bitchie

Hasn't Australia been through enough?! - I'm Not Obsessed

Please tell me Bethenny Frankel's Birkin fell in the pool - Celebslam

What the fuck kind of Ecstasy do they put in those stadium dogs? - Cityrag

Argentina's Dancing with the Stars shows us all how it's done - SOW

Leave it to the Chinese to make dreams come true by creating a Shake Weight for your chest! The Top Charming Breast Simulator promises to rub your titties until they're swole up like a chipmunk's cheek. Yea, yeah, the only thing the Top Charming Breast Simulator will give you is motion sickness of the nipples, but whoever created this work of magic should still get every award imaginable for coming up with a creative excuse for showing 5-minutes of bouncy boobies in a commercial.

via HuffPo

This is ALWAYS the time of year when some of us risk getting radiation poisoning to the genitals by warming our freezing laps with our laptops while going through pictures of lucky ass celebrities frolicking along the warm beaches of St. Barts (or some other fancy place where they only stamp your passport if a Hermes cover is hugging it). We've seen millions of pictures of blah blah bitches in two-pieces who aren't even worth a nipple lick and pinch, but finally here's a beauty I don't mind seeing with a crotch full of bikini!

Yes, it's not Rojo Caliente in a swimdress, but this is the next best thing. Here's the spice on our mango pop with her daughter Valentina and her billionaire husband in St. Barts the other day.

You know, but I am noticing something slightly different about Salma's overall chichi situation. Usually, Salma's titties look like a tiny Julie Andrews should be running across them while singing in a full voice about their majestic beauty, but I don't see that here. Eh. It doesn't matter. Salma's chichis will always be magnificent to me. And I'm sure if there was a parched orphan around, she can still whip it out and shoot a shot of leche his way.

Nothing like a heartwarming video death threat to serenade us out of 2010's back door. Above is Raz B's brother Ricky Romance threatening to stick the head of his pistol into Chris Brown's gaping mouth hole because of a Twitter bitch fight that went down last night. Where is my kindergarten teacher to separate these asshole children and stick them in different corners of the room without a snack! Yup, no saltines and peanut butter for you, bitches!

In case you don't know, Raz B of B2K has accused his ex-managers of molesting and raping him and his groupmates. Raz B has been very vocal about these allegations and Chris Brown used it during last night's playground tether ball throw down. It all started when Raz B flirted with RiRi via Twitter and typed out this: "Im just sittin here Thinking how can niggas like @ebenet & @ChrisBrown disrespect women as Intelligent as @HalleBerry11 @Rihanna."

And that's when Chris Brown showed everyone what he learned in anger management. Instead of taking a deep breath, counting to ten and squeezing a stress ball between his nalgas, Chris unleashed this:

@razb2k nigga you want attention! Grow up nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy

Tell me this @razb2k!! Why when the money was coming in u won't complaining about getting butplugged! #homothug!!!

I ain't deleting my tweet either!! I was minding my damn business and Peter pan decides to pop off!!! # whatalame

I'm not homophobic! He's just disrespectful!!!

merry christmas.i just gave you 20 thousand more followers.. u shouldve did this first instead of telling the world you got raped.

LOVE ALL MY SUPPORTERS and people who know my heart.HOMOPHOBE?c'mon,find a better tactic.thats pure ignorance and stupidity. i love everyone

And here's a few of Raz B's shots at Chris Brown:

Ur not homophobic, ur juz homosexual on the low!

@chrisbrown you steady talking about your career and homothugs but you have yet to respond about your boyfriend @Andre_Merritt

@Chrisbrown Since you took this that far! Dude, i wasnt Raped! what a disrespect to every Kid around the world that has been Molested!!!!!

@chrisbrown u victimize victims, ur a homophobe, ur on the down low & a woman beater. Merry Christmas & thx 4 showin every1 ur true colors

@chrisbrown how do u defend urself in that manner bro? I forgive u but u hve alot of pple 2 apologize to. u offended alot of abused pple

And this just in! Chris Brown just played the "I'm not a racist! My cousin's friend bought a car from a black guy once!" card:

http://twitpic.com/3l8uw5 this is one of my homosexual friends who died in 05.. so stop with this nonsence.. it was an immature argument!!!

What more can I add? Chris Brown is already mouth deep in the hole he just dug himself... However, I will say that ironically enough, "Nonsence" is a great name for an all-gay R&B group.

via HuffPo

Featuring more soulless vampire models than a sacrifice at Kunty Karl Lagerfeld's dressing room, Kanye West ejaculates his version of Thriller with the help of Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Bon Iver and Nicki Minaj. This Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Disney's Haunted Mansion meets Hostel mess has yet to be blessed with fish saliva by the hand of Lord Kanye, so get it before he stomps his feet and snatches it off YouTube.

After reading one of Kanye's Twitter rants, most of us feel like our heads just severed itself from our bodies, so it was nice of him to include that visual in his video. With that said, you might want to summon the spirit of Tangina to CLEAN YOUR HOUSE after watching this dark-sided shit.

via Rap-Up

The Kardashians will proudly whore themselves out on every inch of real estate on the ho stroll, but at least they make sure the check is cut before doing so. And now they are passing that rule to live by down to their kin including Kourtney Kardashian's baby son Mason. You won't be seeing much of Mason's face on his family's new reality show Godzilla and Cloverfield Take Manhattan, because the cheap asses at E! refused to stick a $5,000 check into his Pampers every time he appeared in an episode. You can thank Mason's daddy Scott Dickhead for that, because he never lowered his pimp cane during negotiations with E!. A source tells UsWeekly (via Examiner):

"E! offered $1,000, but he played hardball. E! was like, 'Are you out of your mind?' " Another insider told the magazine, "He bungled negotiations, so you won't see Mason at all."

The Big Lots Patrick Bateman makes me blow a whistle and reach for a rape kit every time I stare at a picture of him, but you can't deny his baby bartering skills. Dude has actually left me in a state of surprised! You'd think that Scott would sell his son out for a bottle of chloroform and a silk paisley scarf that doubles as a thong, but he proved us wrong! Father AND Pimp of the second!

Here's Baby Mason, Kourtney and Scott arriving at LAX yesterday. You will probably receive an invoice under your door from Scott for staring at Baby Mason too long so click quickly.

And here's Neil Patrick Harris and his partner David Burtka putting their double dose of BABY!!!! on display in the pages of People Magazine for all of us to coo and awww (or hiss at if you've tested positive for a slobber allergy) at! A couple of fun facts: 1) Baby Harper Grace and Baby Gideon Scott will call NPH "papa" and David "daddy." 2) A dollop of NPH's man chowder and a dollop of David's man chowder were used with two eggs from the same donor to make their twin babies (Maury's brain just turned inside/out).

Looking at NPH and David with their chirruns makes me ALMOST (but not really) wish I had one of my very own so that together we could pose in a blue jeans/white t-shirt photo shoot. When you get up to heaven, before the gate keeper, Estelle Getty, lets you in, she'll ask you a series of questions from a check list and one of those will be: "Did you pose in a blue jeans/white t-shirt photo shoot with your family?"

You haven't lived life until you've got photographic proof that you once dressed like you just rolled out of a Wilson Phillips video or were a member of a branch of Karen's Kids who specialized in creating interpretive dances set to the songs of the Free to be...You and Me album.

I just wish NPH and David went all the way by posing in front of a blue sky background with sunflowers in their mouths. Oh, and they should definitely be sitting on those fancy white scroll pedestals. Definitely.

And here's another shot of NPH throwing David a "I think baby just farted on my hand" look:

via ONTD

Janitor Dog of Neo & Tuxedo's Cleaning Services! Just in time for New Year's Day when you're too broke off and dozed off on top of your ottoman to even muster up one thought about picking up the piles of empty Strawberry Hill bottles, Hostess wrappers, used Kleenex filled with your lonely tears and unopened condom packets scattered all over your living room floor. Just stay passed out and bark up JANITOR DOG who will immediately shuffle on in with his pushcart and pick up your mess! Actually, your place will stay a mess since Janitor Dog will only pick up a crushed blue water bottle and the same empty pack of cigarettes, but he'll still dazzle you with his neon yellow vest and that's worth the price of admission. That's service!

Now if only Janitor Dog can teach my dog how to neatly pick up his own caca, drop it in the toilet, flush and then rinse out his mouth with Listerine twice, the world will be a new kind of perfect!

via Urlesque