The police in Orlando, FL are not messing around. When they see a "suspicious" (It had shifty plastic eyes, okay) toy pony standing all by itself near an elementary school, they don't try to look for the toddler or plushie it belongs to. No, they blow that bitch up along with the thousands of condoms hiding inside of it. This is like The Hurt Locker for kids! (Don't show this to a kid, because I'm pretty sure most kids cry whenever they see a toy pony get blown the hell up. And they won't ever stop crying!!)
Esteemed scientists and doctors (Oh god, now I sound just like Megan Fox) discovered a while ago that the mere sight of Megan Fox's face triggers a Tourettes-like tick that sends a message from your brain to your eye balls to roll roll roll roll. Roll like they're trying to get far far away from Megan Fox and all the ridiculousness that trickles out of her mouth like slobber.
So because of this, I wasn't surprised to hear from Megan herself that people regularly give her the international eye sign for "BITCH PLEASE" when she brings up her beloved marriage to David Silver. Megan tells Elle:
“When I talk about my husband [Brian Austin Green], I feel as if people roll their eyes. It’s like when you’re 16 and order a martini, and the waiter says, ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ They can’t grasp that I’m old enough to be married.”
Somebody give Megan the names and numbers of the esteemed doctors I was talking about so she knows that people aren't rolling their eyes at her because she got married to David from 90210 at the mind-bogglingly young age of 24. It's because she's Megan Fucking Fox!
And don't you dare call Megan a dumb slut, because when she was 16 she was inside of the bar ordering a grown up martini like Don Draper while all of us sat on a parking block outside sharing a 2 liter of Strawberry Shasta spiked with Popov. Megan is, was and will always be wise beyond her years!
Wait, now that I think about it, we were outside getting buzzed while Megan was inside getting denied. Okay, you can call her a dumb slut now, but make sure you follow it with an eye roll so it counts!
In the commercial for Posh & Becks' new fragrance, we are supposed to believe that Becks is giving Posh a mouth opening loin seizure by breathing all over her neck or some shit. Yeah, uh huh. But to me, this looks more like a poodle sniffing on a whippet for the first time at the dog park. Don't get me wrong, their tails are definitely wagging, but this is as seductive as....well....as two dogs taking in each other's scent at the dog park.
And here's some heart-stopping exciting pictures of the Queen of the Sleestaks walking in NYC last night, and walking again in NYC this afternoon. I'm sure if you check in again at this time tomorrow, I'll have even more pictures of Posh walking in NYC. Check your pulse before you click!
Raggedy Rihanna, put on your clothes before a tick bites you in the asshole! - Hollywood Tuna
Fishsticks Paltrow flashes a little pink (that made me queasy too) - Lainey Gossip
CRACK BABY ALERT - The Superficial
James Franco declares that he's not a gay stoner. What good is he then?!!!! - Towleroad
Lauren Graham and Peter Krause are dating now - Celebitchy
And in "blonde ain't your color" news.... (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Gisele Bundchen's Levi's chonies could be shorter - Egotastic!
The thing is, this is Blake Lively's "OMG I'm so excited" face - Popoholic
Chip Shop really is heaven's franchise here on earth - The Berry
Don't you just want to sprinkle sour sugar all over Tom Hardy's lips and bite at them like Gummi Worms - Just Jared
Please tell me White Oprah is going to meet Oprah OPRAH - ICYDK
Shirley Phelps Roper (no relation to Mr. or Mrs.) is at it again - OMG Blog
Why hello there, Clive Owen - Popsugar
Jude Law and Guy Ritchie made a Dior ad together - Holy Moly!
Weed report - Cityrag
KFed stands by his gravy train ("Mmmmmm gravy" - KFed) - I'm Not Obsessed
Jon Hamm is the new Matt Damon - SOW
The direct opposite of love in an elevator - Hollywood Rag
No, this is not a clip from Teresa Giudice and Juicy Delicious' sex tape (no offense to the monkey and pig). This is a G- rated clip of a monkey trying to 69 some kind of miniature wild pig creature. Get a barn, you two sucios!
No, Roger, that 10th scotch you just swallowed is not playing a cruel joke on you. Bitch really doesn't have any legs! Well, at least every time she falls forward from trying to take a step with her hands, her tittays will protect her face.
The GQ Photoshoppers were obviously so hypnotized by Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis that they straight up erased her legs and turned her into some kind of mythical couchtaur you thought only existed in the back of a Jennifer Convertibles warehouse. Fuck. Ery.
At the ripe age of 9, Willow Smith can pat herself on the back for knowing how to wear the hell out of a pair of Converse leggings. And now she can also pat the last name on her birth certificate for helping her land a record deal with Jay-Z! And by land a record deal, I mean Will Smith put in a call.
Jay-Z released a statement saying that his Roc Nation Entertainment has signed the pop singer behind the hair whippin' song that has forced thousands of bitches to reach for a neck brace. And you know Willow Smith is going to put out a line of neck braces made out of giant bedazzled neon snap bracelets with shoelace fringe around it. Here's the statement from Jay-Z:
“It’s rare to find an artist with such innate talent and creativity at such a young age. Willow is about to embark on an incredible journey and we look forward to joining her as she grows in all aspects of her career.”
Willow Smith is only 9 years old and people are already talking about how she's going to knock Justin Bieber off the potty training throne and become the next pop superstar toddler sensation. At this point, Fisher Price is probably working on an auto-tune microphone for babies so that parents can turn their kids' first words into a dance song.
But I know what's really going on here. This is simply Jada Pinkett's way of trying to make the world forget about the Smith's family last assault on the music industry. Two horrifying words: WICKED WISDOM! I see you, Jada. No amount of hair whipping is going to knock off the open sore on my brain left by Wicked Wisdom!
If you Google Image the name "Kim Kardashian," you will get hit with dozens upon dozens of pictures of Kim showing off her titty sacks and ass crack from every angle. Yet Kim is suddenly throwing on a nun's habit and crossing her legs over the release of 19 outtakes from her 2007 Playboy photo shoot.
Apparently, Kim regrets posing for Playboy and really wishes Ray J's piss would just wash away all the pictures and memories from that shoot. A source tells Radar, "Kim was really upset that the new photos were released. She freaked out that they were out there, she didn't think that they were going to be seen again. She is trying to put that behind her (Ed note: No, I don't think she was pointing to an NFL huddle when she said this) and gets embarrassed about the photos."
As Joel McHale says almost every week on The Soup, Kim is only famous for "having a big ass and a sex tape." This trick is really trying to sit there and act like most of us haven't seen Ray J's boomerang dick go into her mouth. When 4 out of 5 straight dudes can accurately sketch your labia from memory, the last thing you should feel uncomfortable about is some stupid pictures of your titties on some stupid website. My guess is that Kim is really upset, because as soon as she saw the outtakes online she ran to her mailbox hoping to find a check from Playboy. She didn't, obviously. Now that is a real reason to freak out.
This is not new information, but today just felt like the right day to remind everyone that Tom Ford is meticulously sharp from top to bottom and back. Tom makes Patrick Bateman look like a slob! I bet that every morning before Tom leaves his penthouse apartment, he steams the wrinkles out of his anus (just in case) and then stands in front of a mirror blowing cold air at his head with a blow dryer to make sure every hair moves (or doesn't move) in the wind like it should.
You never know when a pap is going to take your picture. And you never know when a blogger wearing stained sweat shorts is going to post said picture. Tom and his perfectly manicured widow's peak of pure sex are always prepared.
Damn. I seriously just want to buy a Vespa from this sexy motherfucker. Yeah, I know Tom is not a Vespa salesman, but I bet he could make one magically appear on the street if you asked him for one. The same goes for imported cigars and 200 year old single malt whiskey.
Anyways, if a man who smells like a hot pair of clippers and overpriced cologne is not for you, then I've also got some pictures of STAINS' long lost brother with his girlfriend in London last night.
Even though these pictures of egg barf all over White Oprah's front door conjured up memories of me scrubbing yolk off of the side of my mom's house after my junior high school enemies egged our shit, I still laughed. Well, it's funny picturing White Oprah opening her front door and trying to figure out if that yellow shit came from her (too many lemon drop martinis) or a Lohan hater who put their recalled eggs to good use.
White Oprah told TMZ that not only did someone egg her door, but they also launched dirt bombs at her house and pulled her mailbox out of the ground. As the Great Delusional One grabbed at her chest and said she has no idea who would ever do this to her family, a wave of guilty looks spread across the country (I'm looking at you, Fudgie, Cookiepuss, Michael Lohan, Snooki, Judge Marsha, mirror and anybody else who isn't allergic to egg shells).
But White Oprah had the last phlegmy laugh when she splashed some Worcester sauce over the door yolk and licked it up. Her hangover was cured in a quick minute. So HAHAHAHA on whoever did this! White Oprah always gets the game point.
And here's White Oprah's main ho shopping for shoes to add to her hoarder pile yesterday afternoon.