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Ohhh, Singer 1 is spitting mad at Singer 2! Although she has been playing it fairly cool in the press, Singer 1 has been completely obsessed with securing a certain gig that is likely going to Singer 2, and may be letting her emotions get the best of her. Singer 1 argues that of the two, she is the one with better record sales, is a better performer, and is much more popular than Singer 2. Even more galling is the fact that Singer 2 didn’t even want the job until Singer 1 expressed interest. Singer 1 also recently told a small group of people that she is the only “real singer” of the two and referred to Singer 2 as a cut-rate “no-talent wannabe.” (Blind Gossip)

Mimi for singer 1, JLo for singer 2 and American Idol for the job? But I'm not sure about this guess since JLo's name has never EVER frolicked into the rainbow fairy enchanted forest that lives inside Mimi's head.

This new cable show on a grammatically exciting network features people who are supposed to be employees. Turns out at least two of them are not, and one of those who is not, actually makes her living as a hooker. (CDAN)

The network is E!? The show is The Spin Crowd? As for the hooker employee? All of them! Every one of those bitches look like they were annoyed that they had to move their whore game from "Adult Services" to "Casual Encounters" on Craigslist.

We don’t want to ruin the magic for you, but this D list star claims to our source that he lost his virginity on a ride at a very popular and famous theme park. We won’t mention the ride or the park so as not to gross you out, but it is a dark ride, where we suppose it could have happened. The only thing is, an inside source says that the ride is full of cameras, so if that is true, there is a sex tape floating around of this former child star and an older male who took him for a ride of his own. (BuzzFoto)

The ride has to be the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland since every body does some kind of boning on that ride (make sure you wipe before you sit). As for the D-list star, I'll go with Danny Pintauro, Corey Feldman, or Scott Baio (ha)?

The saddest and loneliest hapa hobo in all the land smoked a ciggie, drank some coffee and had a funny conversation with his phantom friends (who are made out of air and smog) in a parking lot in NYC today. And Keanu did all of this in front of 3 NO LOITERING signs. Whoever put up those signs was triple serious about NO LOITERING shit, but Keanu is doing it anyways. I swear, celebwhores get away with everything! Someone should've CITIZEN ARRESTED his ass. Or maybe they just felt sorry for Keanu the same way the whole internet has for months.

TLC has run out of BABIES!!!, little people, cupcakes and wedding dresses to throw at us, so now they are sending us a hurricane of WIVES!!! Okay, Sister Wives has a lot of babies in it, but it mostly focuses on some dork named Kody Brown (I rest my case) and his 3 (going on 4) wives in Utah.

While watching this mess of a preview, my first thought was that the Tina Yothers-looking wife at the 0:27 mark really knows how to wear a 90s nurse's smock. And then my second thought was that once Kate Gosselin's shows get taken out back, she's totally going to cross over into this shit by becoming Kody Brown's fifth wife.

Or maybe Jon Gosselin will become so hard up for a check that he's going to tuck it in and stick his titties out to become Kody's fifth wife. Yeah, that's probably how it's going to play out.

via The Awl

RiRi, who has a 9-inch long forehead, and Willow Smith, who is 9 years old, both have new songs and let's throw them into the ring to battle it out against each other, shall we? First up is the grown ass Willow Smith who released the first single off her next album called "Only Girl (In The World" (above).

This confirms that RiRi is an alien cyborg from a planet far far away, because she just released a full album two hot seconds ago and she's already got a new song on a new album out. Damn. Even auto-tune needs a break! Anyways, I would be all over this song if I was messed up on K in the middle of a gay club circa 2001 with my rave whistle firmly in my mouth. Seriously, this song was made for the annoying dude with the rave whistle who killed everyone's buzz by blowing with the beat. Because this song provokes rave whistle foolery, I cannot condone it. Now on to the mini Riri...

Willow Smith, the daughter of musical genius (sprayed with a generous amount of sarcasm) Will Smith, is sashaying onto the music game with her new single "Whip My Hair" (below). When I was 9-years-old, I could maybe come up with a 15-second-long song about saliva bubbles, so Willow has me beat (Ed note: I still could only come up with a 15-second-long song about saliva bubbles and that's it). This is definitely a song Tommy Girl is going to twerk it to, so I will declare Willow as the winner of this battle.

But seriously, both of those songs make me want to cleanse my ears out with some real music... You know, like Stacey Q or Stevie B!

via ONTD

Lea Michele or the return of The Runaway Bride? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Kate Beckinsale's sand castle building skills suck - Egotastic!

Oh, the Deputy Chief was just making sure that Wonky McValtrex didn't infect the place with her stank. He was protecting the other inmates! - The Superficial

Keira Knightley dressed up like a suede condom for Chanel - Lainey Gossip

Anna Wintour has finally met her match and it isn't Satan - Celebitchy

Zac Efron gives a whisper of his precious pucker on Wonderland Magazine - Towleroad

Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets licks a dick - OMG Blog

Ashley Greene gets wet with Miley Cyrus - Hollywood Tuna

Michelle "Not The Destiny's Child One" Williams looks good to me here, but maybe that's because she's reminding me of a bowl of Peaches & Cream Quaker Oatmeal - Popoholic

St. Angie is saving Pakistan! - Just Jared

Meanwhile, here's Ameriie talking about the important issue that is her hair color - Necole Bitchie

Justin Bieber on the cover of Teen Lesbo Vogue - The Berry

Mark Salling asking Ryan Phillipe if he wants to get in his hole - Popsugar

SamRo must be Baby Max's stylist - ICYDK

This needs to stop - SOW

Kelly Osbourne is still skinnier than the bird in the cage - Hollywood Rag

OctoSana wants $84,000, Mel still wants a blow - I'm Not Obsessed

This is what it looks like after Bobby Trendy uses the bathroom - Cityrag

The Photoshop Awards: The Welsh Gay Ken Doll - Holy Moly!

At the US Open yesterday, Asshole Simpson let the free booze go straight to her head and carry her off to the top of a bar in Missouri where she threw up her hands to Skynrd while fat truckers in flannels threw jukebox tokens at her. Bitch, you're at a tennis match, not at a church funeral with my relatives (my relatives always find a reason to drunk dance). Sit your ass down next to Emo Gilligan over there.

Where was Grandpa Decorum of the US Open to charge at Ashlee and put an end to her foolishness?

Cameron Diaz, who always behaves like a refined lady at all times, was obviously not amused by any of this (or maybe she just let out one of those super slow beer farts):

Here's more of Ashlee working for those camera clicks in front of Pete Wentz, Cammy, A-Rod, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale.

Giving a whole new meaning "to getting pissed," biomedical researcher James Gilpin has created a new kind of whiskey made from the urine of elderly diabetics. Cut to R. Kelly at his neighborhood bar asking the bartender for a glass of that pepaw pee pee on the rocks.

James, who is a diabetic himself, says that "large amounts of sugar are excreted on a daily basis by type-two diabetic patients especially amongst the upper end of our aging population." James gets the piss from elderly volunteers including his own grandmama. James then purifies it the same way water is purified. Once the piss is fermented, he adds whiskey blends to give it color and flavor. James doesn't sell his homemade bladder brew yet, but he hands it out for free at a design show in London.

James is currently working on an asparagus version for the harder drunks out there. And don't show this to The Hoff or he will start trolling the bathrooms of diabetes centers. This is the kind of golden showers he can get into.

Source: Boing Boing via Lemondrop

Andy Cohen announced last night that Bravo has officially put out Danielle Beverly Angela Merrill Staub's "love and light" and she will not bring her straitjacket-worthy fuckery to season 3 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. So Caroline Manzo is going to have to find another bitch to use her bootleg Mafia Wars impersonation on.

There were rumors that all 3 of the housewives of NJ refused to sign on to another season if Danielle was in the cast. but prostitution whore-ah herself tells USWeekly that she wasn't fired from the show. Danielle said, "I'm way too good for this. They have used me about as much as I can be used. I think it's time for me to move on and upward. I don't see any interest for me to be attacked like that. I mean, what's left for [the other castmates]? To kill me? Bravo seems to be glorifying their behavior. And I think it's almost like telling children to behave poorly at school, 'It's OK."

The only person who is trying to kill Danielle is Santa Claus for stealing Christmas that one time, but that's it! Danielle must be sipping from the exact same toilet at the exact same T.G.I. Friday's as White Oprah, because delusion is running through her veins.

Danielle went on to say that she is moving on to bigger things, "The bottom line is, they need me, I don't need them. They don't talk about anything but me. I don't talk about them, at all. I talk about me too! I want to be me now. Not me according to other people. Me...a spin-off is absolutely, positively where I'm going."

But Danielle's spin-off isn't going to be on Bravo, "I did not give [this] to Bravo because I felt like there was no fair portrayal of me and my family... to share with people who didn’t even want to portray me as a human being. So that will be shared. I will do a breaking story on that when it does come out and it will be a part of my spin-off."

The only job that Danielle is going to land after this is a starring spot in The Real Crazy Whores Of Trenton Psychiatric Hospital, which will air exclusively at mental health conventions in the Tri-state area. Or she'll get into lizard porn.

Meanwhile, Page Six reports that Teresa Giudice won't be a part of season 3 either. Apparently, Teresa isn't happy that Bravo didn't pimp out her cookbook on the show even though they took 10% of the book's sales. Bravo is showing Teresa that she ain't shit by threatening to replace her with her sister-in-law and arch rival Melissa Gorga.

Teresa is thisclose to moving her family into a room next to Danny's at a Super 8 off the highway, so I doubt she's going to turn down Bravo. Unless, The Natural History Museum is offering her more money to star in their Mesozoic era exhibit...

And here's my favorite moment from last night's reunion. I love the look on Jacqueline's face when Danielle's whispers crawl into her head and start nibbling on her soul.

I really can't with this right now, so I'll just let Taylor Momsen's bandmate Ben Phillips explain it to you.

Ben told Heat Magazine (via MTV UK), "In the studio, there was this pit where the owner would burn stuff. We'd burn old keyboards, computers, stuff them full of TNT and set them on fire. Taylor loves fire. I shouldn't say this. One morning, Taylor got into the studio really early - she'd just had her dog neutered and brought in the bits. Which she then burned. We were grossed out."

Her dog's charbroiled nutsack probably looked a lot like her face in that picture above.

This bitch is putting the ASS in badass. I doubt Taylor actually torched her dog's balls. Bitch brought in two rotten Ikea meatballs and passed it off as her poor dog's nutsack so that everyone in the band would once again stamp her with the "YOU SO EDGY" label. This trick don't fool me.

Don't be surprised if Taylor pulls an Ozzy Osbourne by biting off the head of a pigeon on stage. But Taylor won't use a real pigeon. She'll use a toy one with red stuffing. "You're a bad bitch!" - Every toddler on the playground to Taylor.

And in the same interview with Heat, Taylor said this when asked why she always looks like she just sniffed her dog's burnt testicles: "I do smile when things are funny. I'm quite moody, I'm a teenager and I'm PMS-ing all the fucking time, what do you expect? I am quite moody and I have an interesting life and I get my picture taken 24/7, and it's not always pleasurable. I am really moody, but I'm not a mean person. I'm actually nice."

In case you didn't get it from the three times she burped it out in that quote, she's quite moody.

If you signed up for Team Penn in the ongoing bitch fight between Sean Penn and Wyclef Jean because you figured he serves better shit at his team meetings, then think again. Sean Penn has denied feeding his nostrils with Lohan dust while partaking in relief efforts in Haiti.

Sean's spokeswhore issued the denial after Wyclef Jean accused him of not knowing shit about shit because he's too busy snorting cocaine in Haiti. The accusation came flying out of Wyclef Jean's mouth at a concert this past weekend, because he didn't appreciate Sean criticizing his candidacy for the president of Haiti. These two bitches, I swear. Sean's rep had this to say:

"Mr. Jean is clearly unfamiliar with the physical demands put upon volunteers in Haiti. As aid workers there, the notion of depleting the body's immune system thru the use of illicit drugs is ludicrous. More specifically, J/P Haitian Relief Organization (a.k.a. JPHRO) has a ZERO tolerance policy for any and all illegal drugs. As the leader of this organization, Sean Penn has not only set this policy, but adheres to it. That Mr. Jean would make such a false accusation is reckless and saddening, but not surprising."

Sean will fist a pap in the face if the dude's lens gets too close, so I love how professional-like this statement is. Sean really wants to beat Clef with his coke spoon, but he's sitting on his fists in this statement. I mean, "....the notion of depleting the body's immune system thru the use of illicit drugs". That is some shit Marie Lubbock from Just the Ten of Us would say to her sisters while watching them do lines off of a frat boy's abs. Don't threaten me with a good time, Sean!

But seriously, my guess is that both Sean and Clef aren't sniffing that narcotic, because they are too busy brawling like two X-Factor contestants. How do they get anything done?