The only gang Michael Jackson belonged to was a dancing one that destroyed their enemies with crotch bumps, hip thrusts and neck sways (see: Bad) instead of shanks and gats. Joe Jackson says we can thank his open hand for that. In an interview with Jackson Secret Vault, the bloated catfish had this to say when he was asked about whoopin' MJ
"I had to be like that because when raising him, in those days, so many gangs out there getting into trouble, going to jail. Most of them are dead now. He didn't have to worry about that.
And does Joe regret slapping the kids around?
"No! They tried to make a big issue when I spanked Michael or some of the kids, ya know? Just like they didn't spank their kids when they did wrong. The media twists everything."
Michael Jackson in a gang? Unless the Sharks and Jets were waiting to pirouette-him into their crew, I doubt MJ was planning on joining a gang. Besides, MJ was too busy dancing for coins for Joe Jackson to pay his hookers with. Joe Jackson really needs to use his slappin' hand to slap the giant ass on his no-neck for this.
Obviously drawing inspiration from ANTM's raw meat episode (Ty Ty will be claiming this cover as her idea in 3..2..), Lady Gaga bares her beef curtains on the cover of Vogue Hommes Japan. Just throw some peppers, pico de gallo, onions and tomato on her ass and you've got yourself some fartjitas.
But seriously, bitch probably caught salmonella in the pussy, nipples and asshole for this mess. But Lady Caca will tell you that it's not HIGH EDGY ART unless you catch salmonella in the pussy.
Jessica Simpson Twatted this picture of her gazing lovingly up into the nostrils of her boyfriend Eric Johnson as though his mocos are covered with chocolate and powdered sugar. Jessica also added this little caption:
"I met a wonderful man. Damn I'm lucky!"
Maybe Jessica got mixed up and really meant to post a picture of her with Bob's Big Boy.
But seriously, Jessica is still one of those girls who tell themselves they are happy by telling everyone about how happy they are. You know, that girl who is always saying shit in front of you like: "Look at my hot man eat that chicken fanger. Damn I'm lucky!", "Look at my hot man work that remote control. Damn I'm lucky!", "Look at my hot man throwing me a side-eye like he wants to choke my annoying ass out. Damn I'm lucky!" and "Look at my hot man carry all of his shit out of my house and into the trunk of his new girlfriend's car outside. Damn I'm lucky!".
When Wyclef Jean announced that he was going to save Haiti by running for president over there, Sean Penn pushed the call girl crotch off of his mouth and spit all over that move. Sean, who has been active in relief efforts in Haiti, told Larry King that he didn't know "very much about Wyclef Jean. I haven't seen or heard anything of him in these last six months that I've been in Haiti.'' Clef's ex-groupmate and fellow Haitian Pras pretty much co-signed Sean Penn's statement by backing up a different candidate for president. Well, Clef tried to burn both Sean and Pras at Hot 97's "On Da Reggae Tip"concert in NYC.
While singing "If I Was President," Clef changed up the lyrics and sang out:
"If I was president. I got a message for Sean Penn, maybe he ain't see me in Haiti cuz he was too busy sniffing cocaine. I got a message for Praswell, even though you don't want to support me, I got love for you. Even though you only kicked eight bars for the Fugees. If I was president."
While I do love that Clef probably made Sean Penn choke on his line with this shit, bitch really needs to put the whining on mute and move on. Clef is still mad because he can't run for the president of Haiti since he's lived in New Jersey for the past 5 years instead of Port-au-Prince. Resident regulations killed his dreams!
Besides, how can Wyclef Jean be president of anything when he's currently starring in a commercial for RITZ!?! You can't take a politician seriously when they are dancing for RITZ! Cheez-Its yes, but not RITZ.
The City of Atlanta was glazed with a thick layer of glitter and the nectar from a million gay flowers (that's redundant, right?) when the one and only Derek J sashayed through a gay pride party at Traxx on Saturday night. Any bitch walking directly behind Derek J suffered third-degree burns from the sparkly sparks jumping off the tips of his stilettos every time he stomped on the floor. And there's power behind Derek J's heels, because he could break down a chicken and roll a mound of silicone into a dildo with those legs!
Here's more of the candy apple in heels giving bitches fever from the sight of his delectable titties and peek-a-boo nalgas. If you want to baste your eyeballs with even more of Derek J's sticky sweetness, visit FreddyO.
The factory workers glove on the beer bottle from the Laverne & Shirley opening!
Long before Inetta the Moodsetta and Steven Slater became heroes for overstressed laborers everywhere, Laverne & Shirley delivered one of the original symbols of "I QUIT THIS BITCH" movement when they put their glove over the beer bottle and waved goodbye to their bottlecapping jobs and hello to making their dreams cooooooome trueeeeeeee. Okay, technically they didn't leave their jobs until season 5, but they eventually made their dreams come true by moving into an apartment in Burbank next to the glamorous goddess Rhonda Lee. (And #1 on everyone's dream list is to have a neighbor like Rhonda Lee. Actual and factual).
So in honor of Labor Day here in the US and in Canada, everybody should put their glove over the beer bottle and wave goodbye to that shit for the day. The only things that should be working today are your livers and fuck parts. Happy Labor Day, everyone!
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