When somebody asks you what that scent of rat whiskers, foundation residue and spicy hummingbird juice (aka Ken Paves' sweat) wafting off your body is, do you really want to look them in the eye and say with a straight face, "Oh, it's Eva by Eva Longoria"? That is some shit that will make everyone in the room turn around and walk out. You know that not even Eva Longoria herself uses that shit as a toilet freshener or roach spray. But here she is whoring it out at a mall in London today. Did I say it smells like rat whiskers? No, it really smells like the saliva shooting out of Eva's mouth when she laughs at the bitches who spent their hard-earned money on her perfume.
And the box! THE BOX! It looks like some bootleg company unlawfully stole a file photo of Eva and slapped it on the box of the feminine hygiene product they sell at The Dollar Store.
Here's more of Eva making that money in London today and going to dinner at Gordon Ramsay's restaurant last night with Posh. And by dinner, I mean Eva ate and Posh sniffed on dirty napkins brought to her by the busboys.
Modern day whores out there who picked up their johns at the end of the littered and dusty online cul-de-sac we all call Craigslist, will have to slather the SPF on their ass cheeks and go back to whistling for dick on their old corner. This is because Craigslist locked the doors on their "Adult Services" section and wrapped the front porch with black tape with the word "censored" on it. Craigslist's whore house is closed until further notice. An authentic tear of sadness just slid down Charlie Sheen's cheek....
PC World says that Craigslist has yet to comment on this mess, but it's obvious that they were forced to remove the Adult Services category after getting heat from 17 attorney generals. They asked Craigslist to shut that shit down if they refused to screen ads.
Craigslist changed the name of Erotic Services to Adult Services last year shortly after the Craigslist Killer was caught. Craigslist manually approved each Adult Services ad and charged $10 per ad. This still didn't stop several attorney generals from demanding that Craigslist get out of the leased pussy game altogether.
The ginger Coco summed this up perfectly:
Hongray johns will have to learn a whole new code to find what they're looking for. "18-year-old futon with cover and stain on middle part of cushion. Will deliver to you. Cash only" will now mean "Safe vagina sex only. You can cum on my tits. Out calls and cash only". It's the new hanky code!
If this is what The X-Factor is going to be like all season, then I need to run a cable from the UK through the Atlantic Ocean and directly into my TV, because this priceless shit is what entertainment is made of. During last night's show, Simon Cowell said best friends Abby and Lisa had the worst attitudes of any contestant on any of his shows. So you know if these twin female Pugsleys make Simon's titty milk go sour, they are a new amazing breed of FUCKING VILE. And they are!
Their "singing" will make you want to punch yourself in the ear holes with a hot curling iron, but what follows will immediately heal your wounds. The new equation is: WHO ARE YOU? + a fist to the face = the real X factor.
And it looks like these two punch each other in the faces all the time.
Colleen "Stevie" Morton (as played by Suzanne Tara) from Good Morning, Miss Bliss
If the soul of Tina Turner's old wig and the musical stylings of Pia Zadora exorcised themselves into the body of Linda Blair, you would have STEVIE, the biggest pop star in the known universe and beyond. During an episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss (the drop of pre-cum before the massive neon jizz load of awesomeness that is Saved By The Bell), Stevie decides to give her final farewell show in the auditorium at her old junior high school, because she wants to see her favorite teacher Miss Bliss. Yes, this only happens on basic cable TV shows from the late 80s.
Here's Stevie moving her mouth into a giant white dildo while serenading Screech with her hit song "Hotline." Stevie's outfit deserves it's own exhibit at the Smithsonian. I'd like to think that her copper foil suit went from the wardrobe closet to a dumpster outside, where a wayward hooker looking to get out of the whore game fished it out and wore it to her first real interview at a car insurance company (SPOILER ALERT: She got the job thanks to Stevie's suit).
Oh, and Stevie also kisses Zack Morris in the episode. Yes, a grown ass woman put her lips on the mouth of a 13-year-old boy. Stevie might not be a world famous pop star anymore, but you can still see her name in lights on the National Sex Offender Registry.
Raquel Welch (70)
Sondre Lerche (28)
Rose McGowan (37)
Dweezil Zappa (41)
Kristian Alfonso (47)
Michael Keaton (59)
Loudon Wainwright III (64)
Werner Herzog (68)
William Devane (72)
Carol Lawrence (78)
Bob Newhart (81)