Archives

While performing at the F1 Singapore Grand Prix, Mimi slipped on stage and gracefully floated to the floor like a true melodramatic diva. Seriously, it looks like the whispers of a zillion butterflies, the wings of a dozen imaginary angels and the rays of a rainbow softly guided her to the floor. That is serious dramatic theatrics right there. When Mimi falls, she always imagines that there's a pink velvet settee just waiting to catch her.

Then Mimi's dancer hiked up their weight lifting belts, said a silent prayer that their chiropractor can fit them in the next day and pulled her probably pregnant ass off the floor. The best part is when Mimi calls her assistant out to get her heels off so she doesn't give her Hello Fetus a case of vertigo by free falling again. Ha. If Margo Channing was based on a Lisa Frank drawing, she'd be just like Mimi.

There's more clips of Mimi's performance at ONTD.

Jesus be a bail bondsman, because Michael Lohan tells Popeater that GOD wanted Lindsay Lohan out of jail. God's like: "Wasn't me."

Here's a piece of the foolery Michael spat out to Popeater:

"As you know, thank God, Lindsay was released from jail tonight. However, what what most don't know is that her release wasn't due to the efforts of any one person. She was released because that's what God wanted.

I truly believe that God wanted to show Lindsay that Shawn Holley, Lou Taylor and Dina (the 'machine,' as Dina put it), failed her."

My feelings for this mess of a quote are best expressed through a God Warrior GIF:

Cleanse this house!

It's been way too long since the models of Sports Illustrated have gotten a serious lesson in bikini body posing, so here's Phoebe Price blowing fire on the sand in Malibu yesterday with a friend and her dog Henry. Don't be surprised if you see Marisa Miller or one of those other amateurs doing the happy "cooch to sand" pose.

And now you know why you heard the sounds of waves, camera clicks and chicken clucks when you put your ear to the giant shell on your coffee table yesterday.

I can forgive the poly-blend platinum disaster on Xtina's head that makes her look like she's about to check into the halfway house for Hugh Hefner's cast-off whores. I can also look past the fact that the color of her skin has even got Snooki saying, "Calm down on the naranja, bitch." And I don't even mind that her air kisses are probably made of castor oil and sponsored by MAC. But the one thing that I cannot ignore is THOSE EYEBROWS! Eyebrows ashy and sad for no reason!

Hook those brows up to an IV filled with Skin So Soft, and tell them it's going to be okay. Those are some orphan child brows. Xtina's brows are saying to me, "Please sir, I want some more." More moisture that is, because they are looking parched! It's like those thirsty brows have been crawling through the desert and licking on anything for moisture (examples: scorpion piss, camel sweat...)

How are you going to spend hours slathering your skin with orange shit until you look like the clit on an oven roasted chicken, but not spend any time with your brows? Those poor things are praying to the gods above that Xtina's tarantula lashes swallow them up whole. "Put us out of our misery" brows. How dreadful.

But luckily for Xtina, not many people at the LACMA event last night noticed her dire straits brows. Everybody made themselves a plate, covered it in foil and went home as soon as they saw this vision hit the red carpet:

When Joan Collins shows up, you immediately go home to cry yourself to sleep over the fact that you will never be as glamorous as she is. So as soon as Xtina's brows get out of ICU, she should send Joan a thank you letter.

Here's some others who weeped at their own homeliness after laying eyes on Joan: Nicole Richie, Kim Kardassian with her pimp, Jaclyn Smith and James Franco.

"LILO ON HEROIN" is what The News of the World is shouting above a picture of Lindsay Lohan with a needle to her arm and what they say is a tourniquet around her wrist. Either LiLo is the dumbest smackhead of all-time and forever, or that "tourniquet" is actually just a watch. Click here to see all the pictures if that's what you need today.

No, these pictures were not taken in the 1890s with a box camera or at Knott's Berry Farm's old timey photo studio. They were taken at a party back in 2007. Bitch needs a new camera.

This is what News of the World has to say for themselves:

CROUCHING in a dark corner, Lindsay Lohan is poised to inject herself with what appears to be a syringe of heroin.

Our shocking picture shows the troubled Mean Girls star wrapping a tourniquet around her lower arm - the method addicts use to raise a vein.

Her right hand hovers the needle over the skin of her left arm.

The drama! Now I'm not saying that I don't think Blohan has ever leaped across brown clouds to catch a dragon, but these pictures don't prove that. This just looks like another one of her "I'M SO EDGY, I'M LIKE A DANNY BOYLE MOVIE" home grown photo shoots. You know, the kind of photo shoot Taylor Momsen would do during first grade picture day.

The most terrifying and horrific picture in this series is the one of Blohan touching lips with Parasite Hilton. Wait. Maybe Blohan wasn't playing around with a heroin needle. Maybe bitch is giving herself antibiotics after sucking on a free clinic petri dish. Blohan's one moment of clarity!

Matt Muenster, host of DIY's BATHtastic! and Bath Crashers

Thanks to Matt Muenster, I now day dream about taking a sledgehammer to the tiles in my bathroom and ripping out the crusty ass vanity without my landlord slipping an eviction notice under my door (and the ho would). Matt is the host and designer on my two new addictions: BATHtastic! and Bath Crashers. Matt has seen the inside of more toilets than The Hoff's drunk ass and that's saying a lot.

In Bath Crashers, Matt and his crew troll Home Depot for people looking to renovate their bathrooms. Then Matt throws them a wink and a pucker before telling them that if they take him home, he'll give it to their bathroom real good. And he does! (Jeremy Piven just found his new pick-up move).

And in BATHtastic, Matt and the homeowners work together to redo their bathroom in just a couple of days on a budget. I knew that Matt knew what was really important in life when he put in a DAMN BAR in somebody's bathroom cabinet. Matt is eating all of our thoughts, because you know you've been on the toilet before and thought to yourself, "I could really use a drink." And having a bar in the bathroom promotes good dental care! I mean, vodka is practically like Scope.

Hopefully, one day I'll own a bathroom so that I can sit in the faucet aisle at Home Depot waiting for Matt to pick me up. Actually, maybe I'll sit in the faucet aisle anyways and take Matt to the busted down bathroom at Barnes & Noble in Union Square I always use. That shit could use a bar in it....and heated floors....and an aromatherapy toilet.

Donna Douglas (Elly May from The Beverly Hillbillies) (77)
Keisha Buchanan (26)
Serena Williams (29)
Christina Milian (29)
Jake Paltrow (35)
Sheri Moon Zombie (40)
James Caviezel (42)
Ben Shenkman (42)
Jillian Barberie (44)
Nicki French (46)
Melissa Sue Anderson (48)
Tracey Thorn (48)
Cindy Herron (49)
Linda Hamilton (54)
Olivia Newton-John (62)
Mary Beth Hurt (64)
Bryan Ferry (65)
Anne Robinson (66)
Jerry Weintraub (73)
Winnie Mandela (74)
Philip Bosco (80)
Jack LaLanne (96)