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This aging B list television actor had some requests in his most recent contract. One was that the producers pay about $100K a year to a woman who is by our actor's side all the time. Everyone thought it was a woman he was sleeping with but it turns out she is his professional toupee handler. She is in charge of making sure his hair is never out of place and carries a suitcase which contains ten other rugs all in different shades for different weather and his moods. (CDAN)

Jeremy Piven would pull this kind of foolery, but he'd also make his toupee handler fluff something else besides the merkin on his head. So I'll go with William Shatner?

And we're all in the wrong business (unless you're in the ho shit business). We should've majored in toupee fluffing.

This singer is probably A list. He has had number one albums including one album that holds lots of records for sales. Anyway, he is always trying to be Mr. Straight and recently he even has been pretending to date this B- list actress. Oh, she has done some television but even her biggest series no one apparently watched because it was over in the blink of an eye. OK, well our singer goes through this charade despite the fact that everyone in town knows he just ended an affair with a male publicist. (CDAN)

Male publicists get all the dick, I swear. The only guess I've got for this one is Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene? Yes, them again. Ashley Greene was in this shit show called Desire that played on MyNetwork (home to Fashion House) for a quick second.

Guy 1 and Guy 2 were caught full-on making out at an LA club last week. Normally, two gay guys kissing wouldn’t create that much of a fuss. However, Guy 1, a TV actor who has played a gay character in the past, isn’t out. And Guy 2, who is out, has been regularly dating Guy 3, a closeted actor from a popular tween franchise who enjoys his fries Animal Style. Isn’t love grand? (Blind Gossip)

Shawn Pyfrom from Desperate Housewives for dude 1? Taylor Lautner for dude 3? As for dude 2, I'll go with either Ricky Martin, David Geffen (HA), Bryan Singer or Scott Evans?

Some catty behavior behind the scenes of a recent awards show. Rude Girl and Bad Girl and Cold Girl spent their time backstage mocking another performer behind her padded backside. Rather ironic considering that all three have had their own extreme (and sometimes unflattering) looks in the past. (Blind Gossip)

RiRi, Ke$hit and Katy Perry (or Justin Bieber) throwing understandable shade at Lady Caca's carnicera dress? Exhibit: EVERYTHING

Janet Charlton has already said that Jake Gyllenhaal will only put his mouth on a tube if it's made of glass (or plastic) and ejaculates weed smoke. And now Maroon 5's Adam Levine is joining the "JAKEY LOVES POON" choir. Adam tells Out Magazine (via HuffPo) that he's sick of simple ass bitches (GUILTY!) saying that Jakey loves to fill his six-pack gutters with man chowder. Adam put it like this:

"Will everyone stop thinking that dude is gay? Seriously guys. How immature is it of the media to perceive this guy -- it has to be because of Brokeback, right? I've known this dude forever. He's one of my oldest friends, and it's very weird that they have this -- it's very immature and infantile the way they treat his whole situation. If him hanging out with his bros means he's gay, it's like further perpetuating that weird homophobia that exists in our culture, which is just stupid. So, yeah, he's my buddy. I fuckin' love the guy"

Duly noted, the sequel! Everyone got that, again? Jakey is straighter than a southern baptist pastor! Err, bad example. Okay, let me try this again... Jakey is straighter than a conservative member of New Zealand's parliament! Okay, another shit example. Basically, what I'm getting at is that Ted Casablanca has some explaining to do!

P.S. - Jakey is still Toothy Tile to me, now and forever.

Ever since I watched Julianne Moore make her tear ducts tremble outside of a court house in Boogie Nights, I've been a fan of her ability to cry hard like a repressed Catholic. Weep like my abuelita when no one is looking! Somebody else out there knows this and put together a montage of Julianne giving 20 different kind of cries for 20 different characters in 20 different movies.

To the little kid in front of me at the deli who bawled after his mom refused to buy him a Snickers, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT! And to Lindsay Lohan who will probably have to cry in front of a judge tomorrow morning, THIS IS YOUR HOMEWORK!

via The Awl

White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan are still trying to make 16-year-old (that's their story and they're sticking to it) Ali Lohan happen so they threw her ass into an awkward photo shoot for Blohan's 6126's spring/summer 2011 collection. Yes, this is supposed be an ad campaign for a clothing line. It looks more like something out of a mail order MILF bride catalog.

But I have to give up to Nana Lohan. She did the best she could even though she only took three Photoshop night classes at the local community college. Yes, Ali's leg looks like it was borrowed from Heather Mills and her face has the complexion of a Glade candle, but Nana Lohan really tried.

And it was smart of LiLo to save a few coins IN THIS ECONOMY by shooting this mess guerrilla-style at an open house for a condo in The Valley. You can almost hear the broker screaming at them to get the fuck out.

The black clouds above Aretha Franklin are slowly starting to part and the sun is now shining down on her bosoms of life! This is good news for every living thing on this planet, because Aretha's photosynthetitties give us all oxygen. Yes, you must have been hungover the day your 3rd grade teacher taught that lesson in school.

Grey skies are clearing up again, because Aretha's son has been released from the hospital after getting the beat down at a gas station in Detroit the other night. AND that isn't the only good news. Rich at Four Four has shared Aretha's deep fried greatness with everybody by putting together her greatest moments from a PBS special that aired recently.

The "voolay poo poo shay ah veck moi seck swah" bit she does at the beginning made me feel like I just ate a croque monsieur from the ultra authentic French restaurant Mimi's Cafe. I had to unbutton the top button on my cord shorts (do my laundry and then you can judge) to watch Aretha tell stories from her past while wearing a muumuu from Pier 1's Tahitian goddess collection. Unfortunately, I don't think a small portion of the proceeds donated go to Aretha's dreadful wig situation.

And I will give Aretha a Philly cheesesteak anytime she asks for one (she asks for one a lot, by the way).

Brit Brit wearing my cousin's one good "job interview outfit" while out shopping (FYI: My cousin never gets a second interview) - Hollywood Tuna

Why is Priscilla Presley at the end of the Harry Potter trailer? - Lainey Gossip

You know how you're always clapping at the excellent set dressing in porn? You can thank Don Draper for that. - The Superficial

#11 is a tiny dog replica of Mimi's actual bed - The Chive

Betty White wore it better. No, I don't need to see her in the actual dress to make this ruling! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Charlie Hunnam topless and dipped in Crisco on the cover of Men's Fitness - Celebitchy

Minka Kelly hates Guam - Popoholic

What in the name of Oh Boy! Oberto - Towleroad

Ashton Kutcher's side piece starring in a photo shoot not even worthy of Bang Bros. - Egotastic!

Dear fat dog, Isabel Lucas' glasses offend me too - Just Jared

How many Muppets died to make Kate Moss' jacket? - Popsugar

Double Rainbows always beat tornadoes, it's just fact - Cityrag

Maybe Jennifer Aniston will have better luck doing dinner theater - ICYDK

Derek J could out-heel all of those amateurs - Hollywood Rag

Joaquin Phoenix apologizes to David Letterman - SOW

Closeted anti-gay preachers with iPhones - Crunk + Disorderly

Miley Cyrus really has it hard - Moe Jackson

(Image via Fame)

Tom Brady is 33-years-old, which is old enough to drive a car, buy a bottle of vodka, and in some states rent pussy by the hour. But apparently, the age of 33 is still not old enough for Tom to take a pair of scissors to his luscious mop without asking for permission first.

When Tom first started growing his hair out, it looked like something you might spot across the room at a Lesbian Who Look Like Justin Bieber Bar Party. But now Tom's hair sort of makes him look like he's Single White Female-ing Hayden from Big Brother. It's like Peter Pan Dude before a blowout.

During an interview with a Boston radio station (via USA Today), Tom said that everyone needs to direct their complaints to Gisele Bundchen:

Host: "Is there anything I can do to make you cut your hair?"

Brady: "Ah, you'll have to speak to my wife about that."

We did, and she said you can cut half an inch as soon as you finish your boiled brussels sprouts and scrub the skid marks from your Underoos.

Personally, I don't hear the sound of Gisele's clit whipping Tom in the nalgas. But I do hear the sound of her fapping to the LWLLJB Tumblr. We know your secret now, Gis!

Last night in Prague, Suri Cruise decided to use up her 100-steps-a-day quota by walking from the restaurant to the hotel. About 20 steps into it, Suri once again realized that walking on the ground in flats is for losers, so she snapped her fingers, jumped into Tommy Girl's arms and instructed her slave mom to carry her stroller the rest of the way.

I would not be surprised if we're looking at the exact same scene in 30 years. A 34-year-old Suri will be wearing the same outfit while Tommy Girl carries her through the streets.

Somewhere in the world, my elementary school friend Armando is doing the open-mouthed silent cry while slowly falling against the nearest wall. Armando used to make me watch Anne of Green Gables over and over again. Then we would practice making out by putting a pillow between our faces and moving our heads around. Yeah, life was weird before booze, puberty and drugs.

Well, I can pretty much feel Armando's pain over this news. Jackie Burroughs, the actress who played Mrs. Amelia Evans in Anne of Green Gables and later went on to play Aunt Hetty in the TV series Road to Avonlea, passed away yesterday afternoon at the age of 71.

The Globe & Mail says that Jackie died of stomach cancer at her home in Toronto. Jackie is survived by her daughter, two grandchildren and brother.

Rest in Peace, Jackie.... I will pay tribute to Anne of Green Gables by making out with a bed pillow (although, I was planning on doing that anyways).

On Lourdes' first day of school at LaGuardia High School, she was at her locker talking to her friends when her mother Madge skipped up wearing a side ponytail, a pink ruffle skirt and lace gloves. Madge hip bumped Lourdes before saying, "Hey girlfriend, do you want to come to my house after school and listen to CDs with parental advisory stickers on them?"

That is the vision these pictures of Madge and Lourdes give me. Madge is slowly becoming a character created by Amy Sedaris. I mean, she's dating a baby who still has trouble peeing standing up, so she might as well turn back the clock all the way.

Madge, Lourdes, Rocco and Carlos Leon pulled Taylor Momsen out of a bamboo tree last night for the launch of the Material Girl fashion line at Macy's. Taylor is the "face" of the line and she couldn't look more thrilled if she tried. Yeah, that's her "thrilled as fuck" face. But to be fair, the toxic fumes from the layers upon layers of lead paint she's got on her eyes seeped into her head and made her more brain dead than usual. It's a small price to pay for looking like a total asshole.

And I wouldn't be mad at the NAACP if they struck out against Taylor Momsen, because bitch is pretty close to wearing full blackface.