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When are 12-year-old girls with ankles the size of napkin rings going to learn how to walk in 6-inch stilts on a floor slicker a Mastiffs' tongue?! This would've never happened to Suri Cruise!

Who frowns at an innocent and sweet cupcake? Who stares at a cupcake as though it's the reason why their urethra is swollen to the point where the jizz just dribbles out? Who looks down at a cupcake like it's the cause of that annoying ass mosquito buzzing in their ear in the middle of the night and waking them up? KEANU REEVES DOES! Frowning at a cupcake is like frowning at a bowl full of kittens.

It's as if Mel Gibson and White Oprah simultaneously queefed on his cupcake. If something as perfect as a cupcake can't cure Keanu of the chronic sads, then what can?!

In his defense, Keanu is shooting some move called Generation Um, so it's possible that his character is the one who feels nothing when faced with a sugary cake of happiness. But Keanu makes it look so real. STAINS is still putting him on notice.

You know the tiny straw you're sucking on right now that is shoved into the hole of a Juicy Juice box? Well, that is the SOLE reason for why your prostate or clitoris clenches whenever you see someone of the same sex with hard nipples. And you thought you were just watching too much Bravo. Nope, that straw is like a dick full of homosexuality just waiting to fill your insides with THE GAY! This is what completely sane radio host Alex Jones thinks and it makes all kinds of sense to me!

Lately, I've been feeling that my gay tank just isn't filled to the top. I've tried everything. I've worn flip flops with my skinny jeans and even recited several lines from Romy & Michele's High School Reunion. Nothing. But now thanks to Alex Jones, I have the answer! All I have to do is line up a bunch of Apple & Eves and suck those bitches off one after the other until the rainbow-covered gayness comes galloping into my system at full steam!

Although, I don't want to go too wild! Because Alex says if that I drink too many juices boxes I'll start wearing short skirts and lipstick. Then I'll eventually get myself a baby and put together a garden of roses. And you know what will happen after that? Mel Gibson will tell me to blow him in the jacuzzi. Yeah, I don't want to go that far. I better monitor my Juicy Juice intake from now on so it keeps at the perfect level of gayness. Thanks, Alex!

via Videogum

These vintage Jared Leto pictures have reached a whole new level of preciousness - ONTD

Joaquin Phoenix and Leonardo DiCaprio as down low lovers would've been so much hotter 10 years ago - Lainey Gossip

MELOPAUSE, it's a real thing (not really) - The Superficial

Chanel's classiest ad yet (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Are these stills from the sequel to Hocus Pocus? - The Berry

Stop me if you've heard this one before, an anti-gay megachurch pastor walks into a peen.... - Towleroad

Blohan keeps on...keeps on - Hollywood Tuna

Good news for professional athletes who don't it mind when their dick smells like bronzer all the time - Celebslam

50 Cent has a lot of time on his hands - Celebitchy

Baby Sparrow Madden should know that the curly rat tail is supposed to be worn in the back of the head, not the front - Popsugar

What is AnnaLynne McCord showing off exactly? - Popoholic

Khloe Kardashian isn't pregnant! That's just wart hog bloat. Every Sasquatch gets it. - ICYDK

Tommy Girl in Prague - Just Jared

Everyone's (almost) nekkid in Machete - Egotastic!

Jamie Foxx's drunkface looks exactly like his Wandasgottasneezeface - Cityrag

Nightmares - OMG Blog

Kylie Minogue's got face - Hollywood Rag

Brit Brit's weave or overcooked spaghetti noodles? - I'm Not Obsessed

Danielle Staub, formerly of The Real Trashwives of New Jersey, is going to be on Maury tomorrow and it's not what you think. Danielle isn't on to find out if The Grinch IS or IS NOT her father. No, Danielle is on to perform the pop remix of her song "Real Close" with her partner Lori Michaels.

You know that lady with a poultry phobia on Maury who practically ate through the fake brick walls when he showed her a video of a raw chicken? Well, this is your raw chicken! RUUUUUUN!!!

The worst kept secret since John Travolta's love for sweaty man taint was confirmed to be true by FOX today. Steven Tyler, JLo and Randy Jackson will be the judges for American Idol's LAST 10th season. Oh, remember the glory days when our brains would deflate from trying to make sense of Paula Abdul's incoherent ramblings...and now it's come to this! JLO and Steven Tyler?

Steven Tyler better feed on the blood of a virgin contestant and JLo better break a stool (you decide what kind of stool) with her double down ass to keep us entertained.

But importantly, what in awkward crotch hell did JLo wear to the press conference today? Not even the gayest baby inmate at the gayest baby prison would wear that glittery disaster called a onesie. A chorus line of slits on your front is not the look. We already know where your vagina is, JLo. You don't need to advertise it with a giant V.

This is going to be a looooong season.

One of my new favorite messy pouters Paz de la Huerta of Boardwalk Empire is back with her curious poses. When I say "curious poses" I mean that I'm curious as to what the shit her poses are about. Paz nearly exposed her Rikki Tikki Tavi when showing off her snake tattoo the other night, and here she is pointing at the glorious oil slick on her face at a foster care benefit in NYC last night.

Or since Paz has a thing for pointing out the damn obvious, maybe she's making sure that you get an eye full of the goth cholaness spread across her lips. The last time I saw a lip color in that shade was on my chola friend Ruby who painted layer upon layer of that shit on her mouth. That shit was so thick that her boyfriend would make her take it off with paint remover before they made out. If she didn't, he would look like he just earned his late-in-the-cycle red wings...again.

Here's more of Paz being a mess last night in front of Courtney Love, John Slattery with Talia Balsam, Gay Fish, Estelle and Selita Ebanks.

Playboy has already offer Jersey Shore's JWoww $400,000 to fully bare what a plastic surgeon gave her in the pages of their magazine, and now their little gay brother Playgirl wants Vinny to take off his Ed Hardy chonies for $30,000. So while JWoww is driving around in a Bentley she bought with her Playgirl money, Vinny can follow her in his brand new fully equipped Kia Sorrento! Kias get better mileage, thankyouverymuch.

Daniel Nardicio of Playgirl tells Life & Style's Scene Queens that they put out the offer to Vinny after Snooki said on an episode of Jersey Whores that smooshing him was like putting a "watermelon into a pin hole." Snooki is already the side of a watermelon, so my guess is that Vinny's dick is bigger than her. Snooki normally looks like an Oompa Loompa, but when Vinny stuck it in she swole up like Violet Beauregarde. More like a garden snake eating a water buffalo.

Playgirl is not stopping there either. They also want to make a rubber replica of Vinny's watermelon cock through their company Clone-A-Willy. They will give Vinny a cut of the profits.

If Vinny has a dick that could break the fruit weight at a grocery store then Playgirl better up their offer. They paid Levi Johnston $150,000 and he didn't even show one peen lip. Vinny should charge by the pound.

And if Vinny gets sick of weak hos complaining that his "dick so large" situation leaves them with broken hip bones and sore throats (even though they didn't give him oral), then he needs to call up Medusa:

Here's Amy Wino croaking, cracking and crowing at the Jazz Cafe in London a couple of weeks ago. Wino actually sounds good....if you put a Tempur-pedic pillow over your speakers and stuff pieces of eggcrate foam into your ear holes. But if you're someone who likes the sounds of a goat exorcism, then do it raw!

via ONTD

The picture of Becks' alleged pussy peddler of choice is tiny, but her delicate brows of leased desire are still speaking to me softly. Brows so thin that Posh could wear one as a loose-fitting belt and use the other one to jump rope. But sadly, Posh will never do this, because the owner of those brows sexed up her husband for $10,000 a night. Posh hasn't taken a piss in over 5 years, but this really is going to piss her off in a major! Posh could've used that $10k to buy a pair of crocodile bedroom stilettos from Versace!!! DAMN BECKS!

High-class call girl (Oh, how I wish that was my job title) Irma Nici (Oh, how I wish that was my name) tells InTouch Weekly that Becks paid her $10,000 for one night of down low dicking back in 2007 (Oh, how I wish that was my life).

The 26-year-old (insert your "let me see your birf papers" side-eye here) premium prostitute says that Becks was a repeat customer and they did it 5 times during the course of the year. Irma broke the whore code and talked about Becks' skills:

"It was a high. All of these women dream of being with him, and I got to hook up with him. It was very exciting. He was very gentle and kind. He knew what he was doing."

On a sex skills scale of 1 to 10, Irma gave Becks a 7.5. She says he wasn't into anything too kinky, but he did fap in front of her using lotion from the hotel, “It was perfumed, so it kind of burned him!”

Becks also opened up to Irma a little bit and said that he got harder for Posh when she didn't have the body of xylophone mallet, “He was saying that he liked her body more before. He is more of a butt man than a breast man."

Blah. Blah. Blah. Posh & Becks have been here before. Remember the whole Rebecca Looser thing? So, Becks might buy a 24k-carat hooker every now and again. I'm not sure if this counts as the ultimate betrayal to Posh. The ultimate betrayal would be if Becks cut up her AMEX black card, or if he told her that she "has a butt in those pants." That's the real slap!