And here's the latest episode in the ongoing "Foolery on Public Transportation" series. If this went down on the free Ontario Mills Shuttle bus in CA, I'd have to get on the phone with some of my chola cousins to tell them to calm down because they are mothers now! But this mess happened on a bus in San Antonio, Texas.
I'm not exactly sure what made chola mommy's exquisite Sharpie brows melt in anger, but she settled it with a punch to the face while holding her baby! And she continues to hold on her baby while beating some ass. This is the art of multi-tasking.
Bitch is making war with one arm, while making motherly love with the other! And I bet her burgundy lipstick (with black lip liner) didn't even smudge. Somebody hand her a "Smile Now, Cry Later" trophy for Chola Mother of the Year. It will look good on the mantel next to her summons from CPS.
They should teach this at Mommy and Me.
Michael Douglas is in the middle of undergoing treatment for froat cancer, but he still managed to put on a button down shirt and pull CZJ out of her Botox chamber to attend the Wall Street 2: Money's Got Insomnia premiere in NYC last night. Now I have no reason to bitch and moan about how suits make my pores itch, my bones ache and my nipples hyperventilate (but they really do).
Joining Michael at his premiere last night were his co-stars Shia LaDouche, Josh Brolin, Susan Sarandon, Carey Mulligan and director Oliver Stone. Shia talked to UsWeekly about working Michael, "He is a wolf, and he is a strong man. And I know of his vulnerabilities. When he came to set ... he was dealing with a lot, but never was it, 'Woe is me.' Ever. They’re going to remember him forever. You can’t say that about a lot of people. He's an American institution. It’s intimidating and incredible and exhilarating and rewarding." And then Shia asked the reporter to pull his finger.
Michael didn't talk to any reporters on the red carpet, obviously. Not even a wave, but that's okay because Shy-Shy has enough "Hiyeeees" for everyone:
Here's more pictures of the cast last night. Oh, and Ty Ty Banks was there, because she wanted to talk about how it was like for her when she was an investment banker during the recession.
Right click + save + open quaidsareNUTS.jpg + print + gold frame from Big Lots = Your new fireplace artwork! And you're not the only one who wants the fire from your Duraflame log to illuminate this work of art that belongs in the Modern Museum of CRAZY. Randy and Evi Quaid had this picture over the fireplace when the police came knocking on the door this past Saturday to arrest them for allegedly squatting.
And about that, Randy tells TMZ that the man who claims to own the Santa Barbara, CA house they were allegedly squatting is in lying. Randy says that they still own the home. Randy believes they are the victims of a giant conspiracy!!! Why do I have to put on a tin foil visor and stick a GPS jammer up my ass every time I read a statement from Randy Quaid? It's a good thing that I like it.
Randy and his partner in lunacy Evi think that "someone" illegally transferred the deed to their house by forging the name of some dead woman named Ronda Quaid on some legal document back in 1992. There's a lot of "somes" in this. Randy has proof of the scheme and plans to show it in a court of law!!!!
Randy and Evi say that they have every right to live in the house. They haven't been there in years and were only there this weekend to clean it up and to hang that portrait of two crazies over the fireplace.
So just to recap, Randy and Evi were the innocent victims of a house snatching scheme back in the early 90s and yet they are just bringing it up now. And they claim that they were cleaning the house this weekend even though a contractor says they caused $5,000 worth of damage to the place. Makes sense, Cousin Eddie, makes sense.
But you know what doesn't make sense? The fact that A&E hasn't left a trail of peppermints (crazies LOVE peppermints) from Randy's cave to their offices. A reality show about the Quaids would be like Hoarders, Intervention, Obsessed, The First 48 and certain episodes of Billy the Exterminator rolled up into one and coated with bat shit. All that's missing is a ghost who has a voice like Steven Seagal, but I'm sure Cousin Eddie can make that happen.
Especially in that picture directly above these words! That's my favorite. Courtney Love is pulling her weave back so that no rogue polyester follicle make its way into her mouth and interrupts her while she's telling a bitch off. Or maybe she's pulling her weave back to suck off a hobo for a Diet Coke (copyright: Lisa Lampanelli).
Courtney has really been on a roll lately. And by on a roll, I mean she's been bathing somewhat regularly. The face of Courtney's Twitter page is that of a homeless whippithead who lives in the doorway of a shuttered Chinese restaurant and throws empty peanut shells at those who walk on their "front lawn." But then Courtney herself goes out in real life looking like this. Yes, that's probably a mannequin's face hot glued over hers, but still!
And I feel like I'm always shocked and dismayed whenever Courtney Love goes out and she doesn't have a stank cloud around her ala Pig Pen.
Here's more of CLove at last night's NYC premiere of Wall Street 2: Money Needs Ambien. CLove is showing people that it doesn't matter if you check "yes" to the "Are you certifiable?" question on the medical questionnaire at the plastic surgeon's office. They'll operate on you anyways!
50 Cent is looking for a bitch on Twitter. Those of whose favorite Otter Pop flavor is Strawberry Short Cock better get in line now! - I'm Not Obsessed
That scary lady in Kate Winslet's car window is awesome! - Lainey Gossip
A Paula Deen wet dream - The Berry
Jodie Foster stands by the crazy - Starpulse
The Karate Oompa Loompa - The Superficial
A Project Runway challenge created by Tiger Woods (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Wait, what if I want hanger steak instead of prime rib? - Videogum
Halle Berry's dress confuses me - Hollywood Tuna
OK Go + dogs + Ikea furniture = art - Towleroad
Sir Anthony Hopkins is on that fava beans and liver diet - Celebitchy
Why does Posh have Tod the Fox's tail on her bag? - Popsugar
Hayden Panacotta will play Foxy Knoxy - Just Jared
Does Karissa Shannon's sex tape take place in a West Elm showroom? - Egotastic!
Rachel Bilson kissed a girl, still isn't interesting - Popoholic
Juicy Delicious is in jail right now - ICYDK
CAT HOARDERS: The Amusement Park - OMG Blog
YOU MAD - Cityrag
Now I want a Pixy Stix sandwich - SOW
And thank you to Rachel Dratch for name dropping Dlisted on The Nate Berkus Show today! Yes, Rachel, you totally said that out loud!
On The View this morning, one of the crumbs the hens viciously pecked at was the hair clip that Hillary Clinton wore to a meeting at the United Nations this past Sunday. Hillary was there to meet about what's going on in Pakistan and Haiti, but instead all eyes were focused on the hair clip she fished out of a swap meet discount bin circa 1988. Some moaned that it's very unprofessional-like for an important politician to wear her hair like my mom about to clean her oven. And others said that she's the Secretary of State so she can do whatever the hell she wants with her hair.
Personally, the hair clip is my favorite part of Hillary's whole look. My soul permanently lives in the mid-80s to early 90s, so I love hair clips. The only thing that would've made Hillary's look better is if she was wearing a banana clip, a velvet choker and black suede boots held up with rubber bands. Oh, and a scrunchie around her wrist. Basically, in a perfect world all our politicians would dress like extras from Beverly Hills 90210.
Here's the world's first supermess Janice Dickinson giving you a reason to repeat the Yom Kippur fast while posing for the paps at the Vivienne Westwood show in London yesterday. This is the same show that Pete Burns attended.
So this means you can cross off "Pete Burns and Janice Dickinson are the same person" from your "Theories to Explore on a Rainy Day" list. Don't worry, you still have "Janice Dickinson and Cesar Romero are the same person" left.
It's been a shit few weeks for Aretha Franklin. Last month, she was forced to cancel a few concert dates after she busted her ass in the bath tub and needed some time to get herself together. Just when she was starting to get "that feeling" back, this happens. Aretha's 52-year-old son Eddie is on a surgeon's table today after three evil doers attacked and viciously beat him at a gas station in Detroit last night.
Aretha's rep tells USA Today that Eddie was pumping gas when two men and one woman approached him and severely beat him. One of Eddie's friends was inside the gas station during the beating and found him on the ground. She drove him to the hospital and then later went to the police station to file a report. Eddie's injuries were so bad that they required surgery.
The Detroit PD is investigating the attack, but so far they haven't released details about motive, etc...
Those chain of fools have no respect and will soon lose their freedom for this!! Sorry, it was either that lame joke or write about how Aretha's magnificent chichis will save the day. Good thoughts to Eddie and Aretha.
These three Japanese Wonky McValtrex fans really wanted to meet their icon today. They punched each other in the left eye to bring the wonk out, they filled their crotches with coked up crabs, and they put on a bunch of clothes that nobody over the age of 8-months should wear. Just like Paris! But their "OMGImsoexcitedtocatchanSTDfromParis" faces quickly turned into sad faces when they realized she wasn't going to show up. Wonky couldn't greet her fans, because immigration officials stopped her from entering the country. Oh, Japan, keep being magical.
Fox News reports that Wonks was detained for 6 hours today over that whole "getting caught with coke" shit. Before Wonks boarded a private jet to Japan, she pled guilty to coke possession in Las Vegas. Immigration officials in Japan have an issue with that, because any person with a "suspended sentence" is not allowed entry into the country except under special circumstances.
Wonks is in Japan to promote her line of purses (aka coke carriers) with her sister. All of her scheduled appearances have been put on hold until further notice. Wonks and Nicky are staying at an airport hotel until immigration decides to let her in or not.
Why was she there for six hours?! Did it really take that long for the bravest members of Japan's bomb squad to put on gas masks, grab a vat of holy water and venture into her cunt cavern to make sure she's not bringing in any bags of coke? Maybe they haven't made it back yet. Yeah, that's probably it.
If Japan does the right thing by not letting Paris in, they can officially change their welcome sign from "Welcome to Japan: The Land of Fresh Fuckery" to "Welcome to Japan: A Proud Wonk-Free Zone!!!"
And back to the picture above. I'm conflicted about ole' girl on the left. It's true that everybody loves an old whore, but does everybody love an old whore lover? That's the question.
It's really hard out there for 16-year-olds these days. Not only do they have to worry about their mothers walking in on them kissing the boy next door in the garage (It was the only place! The door to my room was broken, okay!), but now they have to worry about fans taking pictures of them kissing on a girl in the back of a Honda!
TMZ posted these grainy and blurry pictures of The Lesbeaver kissing 16-year-old Jasmine Villegas, who is his opening act on tour. To me, it looks more like he's getting really close to Jasmine to pop a pimple on her chin. That's better than making out to some 16-year-olds. Popping pimples is practically first base. Who knows, but I do that Jasmine Villegas is in all kinds of danger now. The Bieliebers have already broken out of their playpens, turned their rattles into shanks and are crawling for BLOOD!
Here's Jasmine's video for your new favorite song "Kiss Me Through The Phone".
Poor Jasmine. Such talent. Now she'll have to change her name, get a new face, move to a different town and enter the Witness Protection Program. Jasmine and Justin could've been the world's newest IT lesbian couple. Sad. I bet she wishes she would've kissed The Lesbeaver through the phone instead.