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Big dilemma over at a major magazine. They are the first to receive multiple photos of a very famous actor in compromising positions with other men. So why aren’t they racing every other magazine and tabloid to press? Several reasons. First of all, the pics weren’t taken by a member of the magazine’s staff, and the submitter wants to see more money before granting permission for publication. Second, the magazine has a reputation for taking the high road when it comes to salacious stories, and running one contrary to type would certainly fly in the face of tradition. It could also make other stars pause before granting interviews in the future. Finally, they know they would get sued. So now they are running the numbers. They need to figure out if the boost in sales and circulation – of what would likely be their best-selling issue in history – will offset the negatives. (Blind Gossip)

Can't John Travolta stick his moobie in another dude's mouth in the sauna without having to worry about some bitch taking pictures of him with their butt plug camera? Damn!

This actor who was an Academy Award nominee/winner has been married for quite some time. While on the set of a recent movie he started having an affair with this actress who was a Golden Globe nominee/winner. Nothing really that juicy about the affair except for the fact the couple never had sex. Nope. Turns out our actor just likes to have our actress spank him while he wears some of her clothes. (CDAN)

There's not much to go on here, so I'll just guess Matt Damon (who looks like he might get a taint tingle from getting spanked) and Emily Blunt?

This B- comedy actor who spends most of his time doing movies but gained his fame from a sketch show and a very famous character on that show. Anyway, our actor was secretly married a few months ago. No big deal really. Lots of celebrities like to keep that stuff secret. What is juicy though is that his wife, who really no one knows is his wife has been cheating on our actor. (CDAN)

Rob Schneider?

They’re married. They’re famous. And they’ve got some big problems. He’s into porn so much so that he is seeking counseling, while she’s skipped the pill on purpose so she would end up pregnant again, against his wishes. He’s angry they’re bringing a child into the world while their own lives are in such turmoil and she’s trying to stay willfully ignorant by keeping herself busy with the pregnancy and baby to come. (BuzzFoto)

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves? Can you imagine McConaughey jacking it in front of his computer all day with those tiny T-Rex arms? That's kind of adorable.

If Teyana Taylor's "Google Me" got brutally attacked in the froat by a rabies-infested blonde coyote with mange and was forced to get an artificial voice box installed, its first words would sound just like Kim Zolciak's new "song" called "Google Me." Nay Nay Semel is thisclose to filing a copyright infringement lawsuit, because Kim's song is a "you dumb fuck" away from being her signature line!

Above is just a preview of the song, but I don't need to hear the whole thing to know that Kim obviously snatched these lyrics from a 90s cheer squad at a high school whose literacy rate is below 10% (probably my high school).

This Benji the Hunted bitch needs to stop. Bitch's song is way too broke for the Google name. More like, "AltaVista me".

(Thanks to all who sent this mess in. My dog hates you now.)

Today's episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters T and A - The Superficial

CUNTGRATULATIONS, Katy Perry! - Lainey Gossip

Robbie Williams with a head full of dog ass. And a new fetish is born! - Towleroad

Ginger O'Day is declaring a code yellow with her eyes - Hollywood Tuna

What is frosting Paula Deen doing to that child?! - The Berry

Parasite Hilton has never looked better (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

This dickhead makes Jon Grosselin look like Father of the Century - Celebitchy

MiserAlba at the wedding - Popoholic

Dear Taylor Momsen, hardcore edgy bad ass rockers don't wear La Perla - Egotastic!

More from Balthazar Getty's Harper's Bazaar interview - Just Jared

Eddie Vedder got married, Jack Johnson is topless. This is a win all around. - Popsugar

Amber Rose still exists - Moe Jackson

Julia Roberts could win the Kentucky Derby with those legs! - I'm Not Obsessed

The thing is, this is Brit Brit's weave on a good day - ICYDK

Pamela Anderson is looking good (sarcasm or not, you decide) - Hollywood Rag

Bruno Mars busted with the bad shit - Necole Bitchie

Badfellas - SOW

The perfect board game for the whole fucking family - Cityrag

Sheree Witfield is looking hot now that she's off those female hormones! - Crunk + Disorderly

Lindsay Lohan has until Friday to either sneak into White Oprah's carry-on for a flight to Switzerland or stuff her lips with enough bad shit to feed her for 30 days in jail. TMZ reports that Blohan's judge has officially revoked her probation and has issued a bench warrant for her arrest. Her next court date isn't until Friday morning so the judge is giving her until then to turn herself in. The party don't stop until Nana Lohan turns off the strobe machine!

The judge threw down the arrest warrant after LiLo tested positive for coke and amphetamines (probably Adderral or meth) in at least two drug tests. LiLo admitted to having issues with the bad shit and said she will accept any consequence that comes her way. If the judge isn't made of lies, he will throw her in the clink for 30 days.

This, all over again! It feels like it was just yesterday when we were glued to the live feed and rolling our eyes at her tearful performance worthy of a thousand Razzies. And now we're doing it all over again. Part of me hopes that LiLo gets in her Porsche and drives for the border with White Oprah in the passenger seat. This whole crackhead saga really needs a police chase.

The last time I caught up with the graceful silicone orchid that is Pete Burns, he was on his death bed and about to float down the eternal stream to heaven on his inner tube lips. Well, (NSFL) drop a log on the catwalk, because Pete Burns is back in a BIG way! Pete has got a new song, new lips (doctors had to amputate the old ones) and new face piercings! Although, I don't know if those are piercings or steel rods keeping the air from seeping out of Pete's face. Whatever you do, don't pull them out or he might deflate like a party balloon and all the children will start crying. I mean, they'll cry louder, because I'm sure they are already crying.

Pete and his on-and-off-again partner Michael Simpson took London Fashion Week by storm this afternoon at the Pam Hogg and Vivienne Westwood shows. The models should've quit their jobs and come out to watch Pete, because he's the real beauty show.

Cheeks so erect that they give Phoebe Price's chicken cutlets an inferiority complex... Exquisite eyebrows that look like the skipping trail to Venus... Lips so luscious and juicy that you just want to stick them between two English muffins and nibble...

When Pete Burns blows you an air kiss, you better take the rest of the day off, because it takes at least 10 minutes for that kiss to clear the gorgeous baboon anus on his face. Let's all bow down!

If you're going to record a YouTube video of you singing to a Justin Bieber song, why would you just do the wallflower shuffle while your dad (or maybe he's their uncle who drives an electric blue Mustang and always smells like pina coladas) upstages you with his sweet sweet moves in the background? That spazzed out swan has the boogie in him and he's trying to shake that shit out while the two girls just stand there!

I mean, I think I just watched him do the Cabbage Patch, the Macarena and the Viennese Waltz AT THE SAME TIME. Dude totally used to be a Fantasmic! dancer back in the day.

Wait. Maybe these girls aren't moving because they are stunned with fear. Should we call the police?

And speaking of bitches with moves, here's your memaw at a game the other day. I don't mind that she's wearing CROCS, because it's obvious that she's burning the soles right off of em.

via Buzzfeed

Chyna, a 2008 graduate of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, has fallen off the wagon hard again. Just when Chyna starts to climb into the back of the wagon, the driver hits the gas and off she goes. TMZ reports that Chyna went way overboard with the booze and is now being treated for alcohol poisoning at UCLA Medical Center. Apparently, Chyna was rushed to the hospital earlier this morning and her condition isn't known right now.

I'll add updates as soon as they come in. In the meantime, somebody grab Shelly by her glasses and tell her to get over to UCLA now.

UPDATE: That was quick. A source tells TMZ that Chyna didn't guzzle the sweet nectar like The Hoff with cotton mouth. Apparently, Chyna had trouble sleeping last night so she took some Benadryl. And by "some" I mean she swallowed 4 or 5 times the recommended amount. When Chyna woke up this morning, she got the barfs and couldn't walk by herself. She's getting fluids right now and will probably be released from the ER today.

Score 1 for Elisabetta Canalis. And score 0 for her "jeliz fat ugly haterz". Elisabetta Canalis tore George Clooney away from his dildo chair (don't worry, it will heal) to take him over to her home island of Sardinia to meet her parents Cesare and Bruna.

In between sightseeing and dinner with Elisabetta's parents, George signed autographs and hugged and kissed all the locals. At one point, People says George posed for a picture with someone's baby when a trick in the crowd (who Elisabetta probably paid) screamed in Italian "Ora tocca a te! [It's your turn now!]" A witness said, "Clooney obviously didn't understand, but everyone turned to look at Elisabetta. She simply smiled."

Elisabetta wasn't smiling because the sight of George Clooney with a baby made her womb coo. No, bitch smiled because she pictured the baby as a giant bag of money. You would smile too.

Speaking of meeting the parents, let's all share our own stories. My ass doesn't have a lot of "meet the parents stories" to tell since most of the bitches I date live by the "Don't Bring a Dumb Slut Home to Mom" rule. But when I was 19, my boyfriend at the time really wanted me to meet his mom. When we first started dating, he told me that his mom hated his gayness and therefore automatically hated all of his boyfriends. That's always fun. I only agreed to go, because we were meeting her at a chocolate shop she worked at. And well, I figured being called a "sinning fudge packer" while nibbling on a piece fudge would be a good memory to stick in the scrap book in my head.

So when we finally got there, the second thing she said to me after "Hello, how are you?" was, "You got some of that Oriental in you? My cousin married one of those. They divorced now." But the worst part was that the only free chocolate I got was a white chocolate truffle with cherries. It was fucking disgusting! I mean, I could've gotten better free chocolate at See's and they wouldn't have called me an Oriental to my face!

This is what it looks like at the Lohan house right now: the medicine cabinets are bare, the mirrors are completely clean and the Svedka vodka truck did not show up for its daily delivery due to non-payment. That's because White Oprah's main ho is in "desperate financial shape" and is about to snort up her last dollar. So THAT's why the ginger cokeyhead went to a few AA meeting this past weekend. FREE POWDERED DONUTS! Hey, if you hum the theme song to Scarface while snorting up powdered sugar, you can almost get your brain to believe. Almost.

Sources close to Blohan tell Radar that she doesn't have a pot to barf in and the entire Lohan family is feeling it. The source says, "Lindsay is in serious trouble financially. Dina is struggling to make ends meet and pay Lindsay's lawyers and this latest development doesn't help things. Everyone thinks the Lohan family is so well-off, but if they knew the truth, it would be shocking. She's in a tight spot, the family's in a tight spot. It's really a sad situation."

It's times like this that White Oprah wishes Craigslist had a "Buy a Bride" section, because it's a bitch calling sheik after sheik to try to sell off The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at fire sale prices. White Oprah would rather sell her kids' internal organs to cannibals than get a real job. But somebody should still tell her that Fudgie the Whale just posted a want ad this morning looking for a slave to suck the fudgie dingles out of his asshole. White Oprah is at the top of his list of candidates!

Balthazar Getty and the mother of his 4 chirruns, Rosetta Getty, are back together and making their marriage work after he publicly took a wild ride on Sienna Miller's bull dozer vagina back in 2008. In case you didn't read the Book of Balthazar in Sienna's homewrecking bible, Balthazar dropped his wife and kids to to join Sienna's worldwide whore tour for about a year. Sienna made all us shameless skanks proud when she smugly smiled for the paps while grabbing onto Balthazar's claimed crotch with her titties out. It was a crowning achievement for the homewreckers of the world!

There were rumors that Sienna kept trying to snatch off Balthazar's wedding band with her claw crane cooch, but he wasn't interested in getting divorced from Rosetta. Eventually, Sienna went off to another victim and Balthazar was left sitting in the middle of the wreckage with a new itch on his dick lips and loneliness in his heart. So he ran back to his wife who left the door to their house wide open. Balthazar tells Harper's Bazaar (via Page Six):

"Here's the bottom line: It was a very challenging time for everybody involved. But I loved and missed my family too much not to make it work. [Wife] Rosetta is understanding enough and spiritual enough to let us try."

Meaning, Rosetta understands that Getty money is better when you're still married to a Getty and she saw the light several times while fucking on her own side-pieces while Balthazar passed the peen to Sienna. That's exactly why Rosetta is throwing a "Yup, I got mine" look in the picture above.

My slut hero Sienna Miller is the real winner here, because she no longer has to wake up to Balthazar's untamed and malnourished brows every day.