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That whole "retiring from acting to start a career as a rapping hobo who houses a family of lice in his pits and a family of scabs in his dick bush" act that Joaquin Phoenix pulled 2 years ago was just that....an act. Casey Affleck, who documented Joaquin's supposed fast crawl into the gutter, made this shocking announcement to The New York Times. Fill out your "I Feel So Betrayed" cards and slip them into the box outside of Casey's office after class.

Casey says 99% of I'm Still Here is fake including Joaquin's awkward, pube pulling interview with David Letterman. Casey claims that David was not part of it and genuinely believed that Joaquin's brain had turned upside down.

The footage from "Joaquin's childhood" that plays at the beginning of the movie was shot in Hawaii with a bunch of actors. Casey went on to say, “It’s a terrific performance, it’s the performance of his career. I never intended to trick anybody. The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.”

I'm not sure if this makes me think that Joaquin is less crazy than before or more crazy. I'm going to go with the latter, because I'm Still Here is a peroxide job away from being Spencer Pratt's life story. No sane bitch would do that shit on purpose.

Actually, I take that back. Joaquin might have the right idea. Let's all stop bathing, act like dicks to everyone, snort a lot of lines, get fat, shit on our friends and hump on hookers.... And just when our family members are about to drop a 5150 on our asses, we'll be like, "JUST KIDDING! I WAS ACTING!"

The Borat as Freddie Mercury rumors are back! But this time Deadline Hollywood swears on their TOLDJA! trademark application that Sacha Baron Cohen will slip into an assless Spandex onesie (bitch already has a few in his closet) to play the crotch thruster of all crotch thrusters in a Queen biopic. Sacha's rep shot down this rumor a couple of few years ago, but Deadline says that it's real this time and production will star next year. The script is being written by Peter Morgan who wrote The Queen and Frost/Nixon.

The surviving members of Queen have licensed their songs for the movie. Deadline's sources aren't sure if Sacha is going to try to achieve the impossible by replicating Freddie Mercury's voice, or if he's simply going to move his mouth to the track.

My emotions aren't sure where to go on this one. I mean, this could be as good as dating someone who works at the Hostess factory (FREE SNO-BALLS...in more ways than one) or as disappointing as running out of lube and olive oil right before you're about to get some.

But I would be all about a Queen biopic if the one man who was born to play Freddie Mercury was cast as him. I'm talking about John Stossel, of course:

John Stossel in spandex? That sight would make Barbara Walters lose her lisp! It's obvious that John Stossel's moustache and Freddie Mercury's moustache are one. Soulstaches forever.

(side-by-side via Stereogum)

I'm talking about the sexy rolled up something something that's between Matt LeBlanc's lips, but let's throw him in too since that silver fox creeping around his sides is doing good things for him. Here's Matt chupa-ing on a joint or a rollie in a friend's car in London late last night. Like I even have to state the obvious, but yes, I'd hit both Joey and that thing in his mouth.

And how many times do you think Matt has heard a trick say "How YOU doin?" to his peen after she pulls his chonies down? It's something you have to do.

Is Dita Von Teese wearing one of those make-up masks that Jane Jetson wears? - Just Jared

Jon Hamm and Jon Stewart are totally doing it - Lainey Gossip

Lindsay Lohan is a changed drunk - The Superficial

Why is Mr. Burns Marky Mark's boxing coach? - Towleroad

Naomi Campbell buying sneakers in Miami to help her chase after her tortured assistants (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Miley Cyrus meant to do this - Hollywood Tuna

Javier Bardem blowing a fag (I came) in Esquire - The Berry

This is exactly what I wear when I eat a pomegranate too - Popoholic

Just For Men, Ben Affleck uses it - Celebitchy

That poor vanilla ice cream cone - Egotastic!

Ryan Gosling makes a fist - Popsugar

Ali Larter's nipples are pregnant too - ICYDK

SLUT! - I'm Not Obsessed

The JcPenney Kanye indeed - Crunk + Disorderly

Tommy Girl has the same reaction whenever he walks in on a nekkid Katie Holmes - Cityrag

Cash Warren is thinking to himself: "Damn, look at my wife. She is sooooo rich." - Hollywood Rag

Ronnie Wood needs to stop picking up his pieces from the ball pit at McDonald's - Holy Moly!

Did you really think that a mother and father who named their daughters Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo Pamela and Poppy Honey Rosie would hold back the fuckery when naming their first son? Of course not! Unfortunately, Jamie Oliver and his wife Jools didn't stick with the same theme by giving their 1-day-old son a name that sounds like a mid-priced body wash or a third-tier member of Strawberry Shortcake's entourage. But Jamie and Jools still made the hospital administrator throw them a "....the hell are you on?" look when they wrote the name BUDDY BEAR MAURICE on the birth certificate!

Jamie and Jools must have been cartoon hippie animals in a past life, because every one of their kids' names sounds like it fell out of a stoned Mother Goose's mouth. Buddy Bear Maurice is no exception. That mess is the nickname of an animated teddy bear gangster who drinks bottles full of honey and bets big at the fish fights.

I hope Buddy Bear Maurice wants to be a boxer circa 1962 when he grows up, because that's where he's headed with a name like that!

Here's the entire Oliver family showing off Buddy Bear Maurice (I weep for him whenever I type that) outside of the hospital in London this afternoon.

This is Puggy the Pekingese from Texas who now holds the Guinness World Record for having the longest doggy tongue on the planet. Puggy's tongue is so damn long that he can lick your dog's ass from a few miles away. Guinness says that Puggy's tongue measures in at 4.5 inches, almost as long as his body.

Puggy's split kielbasa tongue already has a legion of fans thanks to his website and YouTube Channel. If you or your dog needs to see Puggy's tongue in action, click play below.

That tongue is like a flesh version of one of those plastic wiggle snakes! And I'm going to leave it at that.

via Newslite (Thanks Lisa)

This has been said a million times over, but Johnny Depp sort of is like a young Keith Richards without the dried adobe clay on his face or the sexy green sneakers or the whole "stealing children's dreams in the middle of the night" thing. Johnny contemplated this while blowing a cig with Keith outside of a restaurant in London last night.

Johnny and his adoptive hobo daddy spent some time together after shooting Pirates of the Caribbean 4 all day. That's why Johnny's body is still covered in fake owwies.

And it was really nice and conscientious of Johnny to X mark the spot on his face where your right ass cheek goes. A gentleman all the way!

Or maybe she just made a fart. The look is the same. Anyways, here's Jessica Simpson promoting her line of stuff and signing autographs at Macy's in NYC last night. While Chestica made that money, her leased piece Eric Johnson held her purse on the side and got lost in his own head thinking about all the purdy shiny things his sugar mama is going to buy him for his birthday.

Yeah, it was his birthday yesterday and I'm sure dude was like one of those brats who was more focused on tearing the wrapping paper off all his gifts than eating a piece of cake (Jessica has finally found her dream man). I was never one of those brats, surprisingly. I cared more about getting a piece of sheet cake from Gemco with a frosting rose on it. We used to tear each other's hair out for a frosting rose. That was special shit.

Here's more of Jessica NOT looking like the MVP of the National Drag Queen Football League while taking her bitch out last night. Spanx it till it fits!

If you're a soon-to-be bride who dreams of the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with lifting your veil at the altar before shouting "HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?", then this is the show that was tailor-made just for you! The Hollywood Reporter says that E! has swallowed a giant shot of The Swan, chased it with a bottle full of Bridezilla and barfed out a new show called Bridalplasty. America, pat yourself on the devil horns, because you've done it again!

Here's the description for this mess which sounds like a bridal shower co-hosted by Jocelyn Wildenstein and Heidi Montag:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her "wish list." She's given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week's episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show's description, "possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride."

The last bride standing will receive a "dream wedding," where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. "Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery," E! said.

Celebrity surgeon Terry Dubrow (Fox's infamous "The Swan") will lend his expertise to the procedures, and celebrity bride Shanna Moakler (wife of Blink-182's Travis Barker) will host.

Giuliana Rancic executive produces the show, as do Mark Cronin and Cris Abrego of 51 Minds, the company behind VH1's "The Surreal Life" and "Rock of Love" franchises.

HAHAHAHAHA! You know at the end of every episode of The Swan when homegirl breaks down into tears of happiness because her low self-esteem has finally been buried by a mound of silicone, collagen and other non-biodegradable materials? Well, it's going to be like that except the tears are going to come from the groom and they won't be tears of happiness. The groom is going to eat his own eyes, because the woman he has fallen in love with now looks like a Julie Masking impersonator.

I really can't wait. I feel like I've already caught the bouquet (made out of the bride's old face).

When George Michael was sentenced to 8 weeks in the chokey for driving while stoned, I made a dumb joke about how it's going to be a non-stop party in there. Well, it is a non-stop party at Pentonville, but not for George. The Mirror says that George's fellow inmates have been butchering his songs by singing them out loud from their cells while he softly weeps into his hands.

A source says that George was put into a special cell block filled with inmates who get their asses jumped when they're in the main part of the prison. George is now surrounded by convicted child touchers and rapists because prison officials think he's safer there. The inmates call that block "The Ritz", because there's a TV and a duvet in every cell. But even though George can soothe his sorrows with reruns of Footballers Wives (please tell they show Footballers Wives reruns in Britain), he is still sadder than Keanu Reeves.

One of the inmates told The Mirror by phone, "As soon as he arrived some of the prisoners burst into a rendition of Freedom. And when he was taken to shower they sang 'Guilty George has got no freedom' to the tune of Careless Whisper. He is sulking. He's wearing prison-issue tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt but doesn't have any shoes on. When the cells were unlocked in the morning he just sat there and refused to come out. Everyone was peering out of their windows overlooking the exercise yard expecting to see him but he didn't show."

George is expected to stay in the pedo wing for at least 4 days before being moved to the main cell block.

So, if you were wondering why your iTunes cut off a song and started playing "Careless Whisper", you now know why. When a tear falls down George Michael's cheek, every radio, stereo and computer automatically cues up "Careless Whisper."

And George Michael bawling on a prison bed while a bunch of pedos shout out the lyrics to "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" is the 1980s recurring nightmare come true.