Archives

Giving Chester Cheetah his fapping material for the week (How do you think Velveeta sauce is made?), Brit Brit hit a beach in Hawaii yesterday wearing a delicious Cheetokini. Brit Brit's Coke can holder/boyfriend Sam Merlotte Extra Light escorted her since Daddy Spears opted to go to the nekkid beach instead.

Brit Brit's weave doesn't look like a plate of fried straw potatoes with crusty mushroom gravy on top, so I'm just going to auto-tune the hate and say she looks good! See, I can play nice (as I chew the tippity tips of my fingers off).

Here's THE RICHEST WOMAN IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE Elin Nordegren letting her inner Rona Barrett come out and pose on the cover of this week's People Magazine. The "hand to face" pose was an excellent choice, because it says "I'm thinking.....about all the fucking zeroes in my savings account." Elin gave her first and only interview to People before she grabs her kids and retreats into her shiny Florida kingdom made from the tears falling out of Tiger Woods' checking account.

I figured that as soon as Elin collected her $100+ million divorce settlement, she would be forced to keep her lips shut to the media about anything Tiger Woods-related, but I guess not. Elin tells People that she was as shocked as everyone else to learn that her husband was out fucking like Wilt Chamberlain after a Viagra overdose. Elin says that she has taken a stroll through Hades (Satan asked her to say "Hiya, Sugartits" to Mel Gibson for him), but now she's in better place. What she means is nothing dries tears like a crisp $100 bill! And here's a few quotes.

Elin on all the shit that has fallen on her shoulders: "I've been through hell. It's hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie? You're struggling because it wasn't real. But I survived. It was hard, but it didn't kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children."

Elin on finding out that Tiger was crowned Mister Man Whore 2009-10: "I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word 'betrayal' isn't strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. For the last three years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard."

Elin quoting a Britney Spears song: "I also feel stronger than I ever have. I have confidence in my beliefs, my decisions and myself."

Elin on how she's going to soak her sadness in a bowl of liquefied gold: "My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal."

Elin on why she Ike Turnered Tiger's SUV that night: "There was never any violence inside or outside our home. The speculation that I would have used a golf club to hit him is just truly ridiculous. I did everything I could to get him out of the locked car. To think anything else is absolutely wrong."

Elin on how she wishes Tiger the best: "I know he is going to go down on every waitress in the 407 as the best golfer that ever lived, and rightfully so. I feel privileged to have witnessed a part of his golfing career."

Let's all tap a spoon on our plastic crystal wine flutes for Elin keeping it classy. That being said, I'm a little disappointed that the People cover doesn't feature Elin holding a diamond-covered dildo in front of a stuffed toy tiger with dollars falling out of its ass. The tagline could've read: "Now who's getting fucked, bitch". Not as classy as the "hand to face" pose, but it's a close second!

(Cover via Cover Awards, Other Quotes via The Sun)

Just like I thought, The Speidi sex tape features a skinny little pole and a shitload of plastic. - PrezidentLeila

Runners-up:

A close-up of a condom used by Larry King reveals that his sperm cells are so old they can shower themselves. - Mother Superior

Young Tiger Woods shook his Ho Globe and watched as the naked hookers bounced back and forth in the glass. - WhiskeyTango

After the divorce, Elin bought herself an island and used it to store some of Tiger's possessions. - Datura

(Thanks Jodi!)

No, this is not a picture of Vadge in all her glory! It's the world famous Lucky Vagina Tree of Thailand!

The Phuket Gazette (via Tabloid Prodigy) says that a 100-year-old vagina tree predicted the winning lottery numbers when a "fist-sized sparkling" mound showed up on its gash. Viva (tree) pussy power!

Several villagers somehow made out the numbers "0-0-8" on the sparkling mound and played the numbers to victory in the local lottery! Villagers have kept their eyes on the chocha tree hoping that it will develop another lucky sparkling sore, but so far it hasn't had another breakout.

A fist-sized sparkling mound could only mean one thing, RPattz didn't use a rubber before he humped on that tree. AGAIN! This is going to drive the Twihards into further hysteria, because now they know that even the genital warts Edward Cullen gives you are made of magic!

(Image via Tabloid Prodigy)

Alexander Skarsgård (34)
Alexandra Burke (22)
Blake Lively (23)
Rachel Bilson (29)
Kel Mitchell (32)
Jo Dee Messina (40)
Claudia Schiffer (40)
Cameron Mathison (41)
Rachael Ray (42)
Blair Underwood (46)
Billy Ray Cyrus (49)
Tim Burton (52)
Elvis Costello (56)
Gene Simmons (61)
David Canary (72)
Tom Skerritt (77)
Regis Philbin (79)
Sean Connery (80)
Monty Hall (89)

All back alley pharmacists are lining the streets of Hollywood and the coke dealers can quit the part-time jobs they were forced to take at 7-Elven when Lindsay Lohan went into rehab, because she's baaaaaack! And she is fully recharged! Radar reports that LiLo was released from the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital tonight after serving just 22 days out of her 90 day sentence.

LiLo's doctors suggested to the judge that she be released from rehab early, because they don't think her issues are that serious (aka they are sick of dealing with her ass). Judge Elden Fox agreed and he opened LiLo's cage door. Justice fucking served on the rocks with a sprinkling of crushed Dilaudid on top!

Cut to White Oprah dancing all night, because now that her main ho is out on the stroll she no longer has to pay for her pills with freezer burned Fudgie the Whales:

LiLo will get outpatient treatment indefinitely and a hearing is schedule for tomorrow.

Speaking of getting fucked up like a Lohan out of rehab, we should all pour anything mind-altering into our kombucha tea to deal with all the interviews that will follow. Every single Lohan is going to spill their delusions to any bitch who waves a cashiers check in their face. Seriously, I heard that Nana Lohan has already given a tell-all interview to the LI PennySaver.

Above is a bitchy ass cat in a tie sitting on a toddler's armchair while a bunch of kids sing "Happy Birfday!" to him. And below is an english bull dog sitting on his ass while watching the Family Guy. T

he mad pussy gets points for keeping his claws to himself even though he's scratching the nostrils off of every person in the room with his eyes. However, the bulldog gets a million bonus points, because I'm pretty sure he actually enjoys sitting like Al Bundy with his pants off. If he didn't have to lick his own asshole, he'd sit there all day and night. If his asshole was on one paw and his balls were on the other, he would be in heaven! Yeah, the dog does it better.

via Gawker TV

When you’re a famous performer, it helps to have back up. In this case of this singer, it’s her sister, who has a similar singing style… and whose voice is actually used in place of the singer’s on more than one recording. Although one sister is clearly more famous than the other, the other one has been assured multiple times that her turn at stardom is coming. The parents, who are very closely involved in their daughter’s’ careers, know that the second sister’s star will likely always orbit the world of her sister’s fame. Whoever you are thinking of, think younger. (Blind Gossip)

Of course, my first guess was Beyonce and Basement Baby, but then I wiped the wig glue off and my eyes followed the blind item writer's instructions which led me to Miley and Noah Cyrus. Miley's vocals sound like they were done by a robot chipmunk with a low battery life, so I'm not sure this is the winning guess. Besides Miley's songs would have a lot more curse words and shit if Noah sang them.

This very attractive former B list movie and television actress is now probably a C and is hanging onto her fame by her good looks and a long past hit network show on which she starred. She would probably be very surprised to find out that her part-time assistant has been sleeping with the married father of our actress. (CDAN)

Rachel Bilson? MiserAlba? Audrey Landers?

Which D List star who used to be B/C list because of his network sitcom has been selling his children’s toys on ebay to get drug money? (BuzzFoto)

What kind of dumb stupid piece of shit trash sells their kids' toys for drug money?! You have to be an idiotic bitch to do that. I mean, selling toys on eBay isn't going to get you enough money to buy half a whippit! Push your kid into show business and use their pay checks to buy your bad shit like a normal person does! Some people.

Apparently, Miss Philippines was one of the favorites to take home the crown (made from Donald Trump's taint dingles) at last night's Miss Universe pageant, but then she pretty much fucked her chances in the ass during the Q&A part of the competition.

Mister Chyna Phillips himself Billy Baldwin asked Maria Venus Raj (FYI: That's a really hot name) what one of her biggest mistakes in life was and how she fixed it. If Billy asked her that question again today, she'd probably say that the biggest mistake in her life is the answer she gave last night. Because last night, Maria Venus said that she's never had any major problems and then she babbled on like me in front of a McDonald's menu at 3am.

To be fair, if I was standing up there with my hair so tight that it was making my nipples sore (I don't know what that means either!) and enough make-up on my face to cover a Kardashian for a week, I'd probably give some shit answer to. It also doesn't help when Billy Baldwin is staring at you like you're doing yourself in the bath tub while a UB40 song plays in the background.

AND how was Maria Venus supposed to hear anything when the screech of a thousand gays from her home country filled her ear holes with glitter and made her nerves tingle! This is what I'm talking about (skip to the 2:25 mark):

DAMN! Now I finally know what the inside of my head looks like whenever I see a peen in the flesh instead of on a computer screen. Give us all a Q-tip!

via Boy Culture

The Annual Nudist Pudding Fight: Bill Cosby most certainly does not fucking approve! - Cityrag

Little Sally Draper's hair got attacked by a gang of taser guns on her way to a premiere - Lainey Gossip

Rachel Bilson's camel toe says aloha - Egotastic!

Miss Mehico is Miss Universe! - The Superficial

5 million reasons why we have failed as a people - Celebitchy

Melissa Rivers is looking AWFUL! - Hollywood Tuna

Glee's Kurt is going to get some from the quarterback - Towleroad

Drew Barrymore's hair color was inspired by a calico cat, right? - The Berry

I thought Hayden Panatroll was best friends with dolphins? So what is up with the bootleg slaughtered dolphin cake she's posing with? - Just Jared

Irina Shayk needs to stop sexing up the camera lens and give Crispy some powder to dab to the grease out - Popoholic

ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds are in Austria - Popsugar

Kim Kardassian hides her wet fart stain while going to the gym (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Keep telling yourself that, Eli Roth - Holy Moly!

Is Fantasia auditioning for Mortal Kombat with that hair? - ICYDK

How did they get these pictures of me at my night job (I wish)?! - OMG Blog

Brit Brit and Jason Trainwreck are a match made in Kohl's discount bin heaven - Hollywood Rag

Beyonce praying to the wig gods to be with her during her ride down the French Rivera - Necole Bitchie