It's been a while since we've had a serving of Simon Cowell's fluffy chest pies, but here he is bringing them to the table. Somebody better put a hand towel under Ryan Gaycrest's booster seat, because this is going to start a flood.
Simon took his luscious drops of heaven and 8-lane happy highway for a walk in Nice, France, where he's vacationing on a fancy yacht with his fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy. Simon's Alfala-like part in his hair has got me thinking if the carpet matches the drapes? Like I need to ask. You know that right after Simon kisses each of his nipples first thing in the morning, he meticulously parts his pube bush with a Barbie comb.
That being said, I still would. Well, you could exfoliate your skin while motorboating Simon! Dude has got loofah titties!
Snooki's time in the drunk tank has convinced her to put down the sweet nectar during the daylight hours and cut back on the partying just a bit. There goes that bitch's contract with MTV.
At a press conference in L.A. last night, Snackwells told reporters that she decided to tweak her ways after she was arrested on July 30th for being a cast member of Jersey Shore. And for public acts of drunkery. Snooki farted out, "I didn't hurt anybody – stuff like that happens in Jersey. I was in the drunk tank for a little bit, I had too many tequilas. What are you gonna do? My dad was very, very pissed. He's like, 'I didn't raise you like this.' I just felt really bad, so I'm definitely going to stop drinking during the daytime. And now when I go out, I only have a couple drinks. It was a good wakeup call for me. It definitely embarrassed my family and that's just not good."
I'm pretty sure that right after the first episode of Jersey Shore aired, most of Snooki's family changed their last name, moved out of state and bought stolen social security numbers from a video store in Chinatown, so I don't think she has to worry about this latest incident embarrassing them.
Snooki also said some terrifying shit that Child Protective Services should be made aware of, "When I see 7-year-olds, they're like, 'Oh, I envy you.' I'm like, 'Why? You're seeing me party. That's not something you should envy.' "
I understand that a slow red panda who nibbles pickles and does somersaults in the middle of a dancefloor is entertaining to a 7-year-old, but their parents should still be jailed. In fact, CPS should use that for sting operations. They should ask 7-year-olds who they want to be like when they grow up: Snooki, a thief, a stripper or a crack dealer. If the 7-year-old chooses Snooki, their parents go directly to prison. And the 7-year-old goes directly to the MTV factory for immediately training to become a future Jersey Shore mess. Well, my ass needs something to watch on Thursday nights!
Here's the Jersey Shore whores, including their newest cast mate Deena Nicole, at LAX and Newark today.
It's been an open secret in North Carolina that Fantasia has been slippin' and slidin' all over the cock of a married father of two, but she's never lifted up her hand and said "Guilty as fucked." Fantasia doesn't have to do that anymore, because the wife of the married dude she's boning is doing it for her. WCNC (via TMZ) reports that Antwaun Cook's wife Paula filed a complaint in court last week alleging that her estranged husband has been down low dicking Fantasia since August of last year. Paula claims that Antwaun and Fantasia's parts got tingly for each other when they first met at the romance capital of the country known as the T-Mobile store.
Paula has proof of her husband's affair in the form of a sex tape he allegedly made with Fantasia. The complaint reads: "Throughout the course of their adulterous affair ... Defendant/Husband and Ms. Barrino have at times recorded their illicit activity." The document also claims that Fantasia read Paula her rights during one phone call. Fantasia apparently said to her: "He don’t want you. Maybe the next time that you get a husband you'll know how to keep him. That's why he is here with me."
Those words might come back to fuck Fantasia's checking account dry, because North Carolina is a state that allows wives to sue their husband's mistresses.
But back to the sex tape, Fantasia sweats more than Mel Gibson in a kosher deli when she shakes her ass for more than two minutes, so you know her pores will blowing new kinds of perspiration in that sex tape. Fanny will take squirting to a whole new level.
And if this sex tape ever leaks, I hope Simon, Randy and Paula reunite to thoroughly critique it. The word "pitchy" will never have the same meaning again.
If you ever find yourself in the darkest part of the playground and a gang of hardcore tween bitches circle around you, throw a few of these quotes at their asses to show them that you are harder than the black tar slowly eating up Taylor Momsen's eyelids. In an interview with a New Zealand radio show, 17-year-old Taylor joked about boning a priest and tried to act like she doesn't know what a Bieber is:
On why her band Pretty Reckless wrote a song about the Catholic church's pedo scandal: "I was raised Catholic. I fucked a priest once. Just kidding."
On the pictures of her crotch being all over the internet: "I don't take [any of the stories about me] to heart; I just look at it this way: My fucking tampon's on the goddamn Internet."
On wearing a friendship bracelet from her vibrator: "It doesn't talk back to me, so it's really not a best friend ... I'm not a whore for masturbating, so fuck you if you want to call me one. I think women should equally be allowed to pleasure themselves as much as men. I think that if that has any more controversy than a man talking about pleasuring himself, then there's something wrong with the world."
On the most famous fetus in the world Justin Bieber: "I don't know who Justin Bieber is. I only know his name because it keeps being brought up to me. I listen to Led Zeppelin and The Beatles, so I have no idea who he is. That's not a dis; I just don't know."
If you opened up Taylor's Led Zeppelin lunchbox, I'm sure you would find a secret shrine to Justin Bieber's wondrous helmet of golden locks, so she needs to stop playing! But what's really sad is that Taylor's "I only listen to Led Zeppelin" quote reminds me of when I was in the 5th grade and some older girls who wore black nail polish asked me what kind of music I listened to. Obviously, a Debbie Gibson cassette tape was in my boombox at home, but I lied and said Alice Cooper. ALICE COOPER! Like I knew who Alice Cooper was! I probably thought Alice Cooper was Winnie's older sister. So it pains me to say that I too had a Momsen wart on my tongue once.
Here's a clip of Taylor's interview if you need it in audio form:
Shots fired! Dip your face in Crisco, pull your hair back, slip on your scrappin' rings and choose a side, because there's a new feud going down! Although, this might be the shortest feud ever since the other one really isn't around to defend herself due to the little fact that she's DEAD!
Emma Thompson received her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday and so she gave an interview to the Hollywood Reporter (via Daily Mail) about her career and future projects, etc... They eventually got around to talking about the My Fair Lady remake that Emma is currently writing. Emma said that she isn't a fan of the original movie and then she slowly pulled a shank out of her mouth and stabbed it into Audrey Hepburn's coffin.
The star of such masterpieces as Nanny McPhee Returns put up her dukes when she said that Audrey couldn't act or sing (FYI: Audrey recorded all the songs for My Fair Lady, but the producers dubbed her ass with Marni Nixon's voice behind her back), "I'm not hugely fond of the film. I find Audrey Hepburn fantastically twee." When the Hollywood Reporter asked Emma what the fuck "twee" means, she explained, "Twee is whimsy without wit. It is mimsy-mumsy sweetness without any kind of bite. And that's not for me. She can't sing and she can't really act, I'm afraid. I'm sure she was a delightful woman - and perhaps if I had known her I would have enjoyed her acting more, but I don't and I didn't, so that's all there is to it really."
Emma pretty much repeated her thoughts on the My Fair Lady movie and Audrey Hepburn to Daily Variety, "I find it chocolate-boxy, clunky and deeply theatrical. I don't think that it's a film. It's the theater piece put onto film. It was Cecil Beaton's designs and Rex Harrison that gave it its extraordinary quality. I don't do Audrey Hepburn. I think that she's a guy thing. I'm sure she was this charming lady, but I didn't think she was a very good actress. It's high time that the extraordinary role of Eliza was reinterpreted because it's a very fantastic part for a woman."
To Emma, Pygmalion, the play that My Fair Lady is based on, is truer to the character of Eliza Doolittle. Emma thinks that the musical made light of Eliza's father selling her ass to the highest bidder, "It's a very terrible thing he does, selling his daughter into sexual slavery for a fiver. I suppose my cheekiness is in saying: 'This is a very serious story about the usage of women at a particular time in our history. And it's still going on today'. Yes, OK, it's a wonderful musical, but let's also look at what it's really saying about the world. Fans of the original won't want another one to be made - and honestly, one has to just cope with that. The original is incredibly long. The audience can expect less songs."
Emma hopes Carey Mulligan will take the part of Eliza Doolittle in her version.
HA! This is totally going to give Jennifer Love Hewitt a reason to get into Holly Golightly drag again so she can slappity slap slap Emma in the face for this. Only JLove can fuck with Audrey.
Oh, Emma's just having an opinion! Personally, I can't really say a bad thing about Audrey even if I tried and that's saying a lot. Audrey was purdier than a million Zac Efrons twirling in a field of daisies made of pink rhinestones, and her swan walk down a flight of stairs in Funny Face is what dreams are made of, so I'll just leave it at that. I only wish that Rex Harrison was around today, because you know that grouchy bag of cuntness would have some shit to say about this!
Here's some pictures of Emma celebrating her new star with Hugh Laurie and her Nanny McPhee co-stars (the pig and Maggie Gyllenhaal [too easy]).
The giant beaver with a beaver from Bemidji, Minnesota!
An art initiative in Bemidji, Minnesota gave a group of local artists a bunch of big ass beavers to do whatever they wanted with, so naturally one of them decorated hers with a huge layer of redundancy by painting a beaver on top of it. Or maybe we should call it "a lady" since I'm sure that's what beavers call their snatches.
Gawker says that the artist Deborah Davis named her beaver with a beaver "Gaea" in honor of the celebration of womanhood. Deborah says that the humongous vulva on Gaea isn't a vulva at all. Deborah claims it's two hands clasped in prayer. GIRL PLEASE. It looks more like two hands (possibly suffering from eczema) trying to start a fire by rubbing a giant clit. If that's what prayer looks like, then it's safe to say that many of you horny hos out there pray SEVERAL times a day. Your religious relatives will be happy to learn that you're an hourly worshiper.
When the Bemidji City Council started to get complaints from prude ass prudes about Gaea flashing her chocha like Brit Brit getting out of a pick-up, they held a meeting. They ultimately decided that Gaea can keep her place on the Sculpture Walk. But not everyone agreed with the decision, because Gaea was recently defaced (Or should I say desnatched?) with black paint. She was quickly cleaned up and now she's back to sharing her beaver with the town of Bemidji! Proudly flash that beaver at the haters, Gaea!
(Images via Gaea's Facebook page)
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