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When George Clooney's last leased piece Sarah Larson started to tiptoe out on the ho stroll, her contract was immediately terminated and she was dropped off at the cocktail bar from which she came from. Well, George's current full-time piece Elisabetta Canalis is starting to orally queef about their relationship to the media, so I wonder how long it will be before the movers show up and carry her ass out of there. I hope they don't, because this bitch is hilarious in a delusional kind of way. Who cares if Elisabetta looks like my Uncle Jorge in broke drag, she's still a strong shot of cuntspresso to my soul.

In the Italian version of Vanity Fair (via People), Elisabetta laid out several lines of potent bitchiness and I'm snorting this shit up:

On the jeliz h8rs hating on her life with George: "I am happy like I was when I was 18 years old. Those who criticize or invent stories about us are just jealous."

On how an Italian paper said George dumped her ass: "It might seem a cliché, but unfortunately it is true: the Italians never support their own citizens who earn an opportunity or a recognition abroad … I don't expect to be celebrated, but neither do I expect the newspapers of our country to use as a reference point a gossip blog which is full of insults, racism and violence."

On how she's slowly poisoning her jealous enemies with happiness: "Yes, it is true. We are together. I have heard of women – even famous women – that due to this [relationship] removed his photo as screensavers from their computers. Maybe I am a bit stressed. But in the end the best revenge over these jealous people is to be happy. Because that is the thing they do not forgive you for."

HA! Nobody tell Elisabetta that the only women who would have a George Clooney screensaver are women who don't know how to turn on a computer let alone how to change their screensaver (I'm looking at you, mom). That still is a really good line, though. If Elisabetta can work a strap-on as well as she can bring the bitchiness, George will keep her around for a while (not really).

Here's George making all kinds of faces (ranging from "My no-no is sore" face to "6 inches could work" face) on the set of a commercial with John Malkovich in Milan today. I'm going to make one of these pictures my screensaver just to fuck with Elisabetta.

A few weeks ago, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston conjured up a wave of eye rolls by declaring their recycled love for each other on the cover of UsWeekly. While Bristol and Levi counted their cash on the table, they said something about how they were getting married soon...blah...barf...blah. But cancel the taxidermy wedding cake topper, because Bristol has run off to People to tell them that the wedding is dead! Bristol has quit Levi, because she says he's more interested in humping the spotlight than humping on her.

Speaking from her glass house while holding a giant pot, Bristol said, "It's over. I broke up with him. The final straw was him flying to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that music video mocking my family. He's just obsessed with the limelight and I got played.

Through this whole experience I know I need a man who's going to be completely honest with me and someone who loves me and Tripp and wants to be with him all the time. I also want someone who has religious beliefs and a good family."

What Bristol is really trying to say is that they expected to get a 6-figure reality show deal out of this charade. But when the only deal that landed in their inbox was for a pack of Pampers per episode from Wasilla Public Access, Bristol said fuckit and bounced.

And Bristol needs to stop it with this "I got played" shit. The only bitch here that got played is me, because I'm writing about it! You got played too, because you're reading about it. Hell, the only bitches that aren't getting played are Bristol and Levi. All of us should be on the cover of People with the tagline, "WE GOT PLAYED!"

Remember how Gisele Bundchen said that mothers who don't breastfeed their babies should be shackled and thrown into prison for the rest of their lives? And remember how you drove by Gisele's house last night and threw out a titty balloon full of spoiled milk with a note attached that read "Breastfeed on this so your bitch ass can shut up already!". Remember that? If you don't, you should go suckle on a bottle of Ginkgo, because this happened yesterday so your memory might be going. But I'm disgressing all over the place again!

Gisele went on her blog last night to clarify the "there should be a worldwide breastfeeding law" comment she made to Harper's Bazaar UK. Gisele wrote:

My intention in making a comment about the importance of breastfeeding has nothing to do with the law. It comes from my passion and beliefs about children. Becoming a new mom has brought a lot of questions, I feel like I am in a constant search for answers on what might be the best for my child. It’s unfortunate that in an interview sometimes things can seem so black and white. I am sure if I would just be sitting talking about my experiences with other mothers, we would just be sharing opinions. I understand that everyone has their own experience and opinions and I am not here to judge. I believe that bringing a life into this world is the single most important thing a person can undertake and it can also be the most challenging. I think as mothers we are all just trying our best.

The next time Gisele doesn't LITERALLY mean something, she should use the word LIT-TERALLY in front of it so we know not to take her statement seriously. Chupa knows what I'm talking about:

I literally want to a pass a worldwide law to literally force Chupa Zoe to literally never say the word literally again.

via UsWeekly & Jezebel

Two stars were on a promotion tour out of the country for their recent movie. One star is engaged and is starting to make a name for himself. The other, also a male, is married. The two got so inebriated one night that they left a party together and ended up spending the night together. The woke up naked, cuddling, and in the same bed. Not Tom Hardy. (BuzzFoto)

Just close your eyes when reading the "starting to make a name for himself" part and go with Sylvester Stallone and Mickey Rourke. The image of Mickey and Sly cuddling on a bed covered in white sheets with the early morning wind softly dancing through their hair is just about the most precious thing in the world. Like watching a wart on an ass lip pop.

At a recent promotional event, a publicist noticed that her young actress was feeling a little uptight. In a move reminiscent of high school dances – where some mischievous kid slips a bottle of the hard stuff into the punch bowl – the publicist started slipping a little something into her beverages under the table. By the end of the autograph signing session, our young girl could barely stand. (Blind Gossip)

The little girl from that Ramona and Beezus movie? The one who plays Ramona? I saw her on the Today show and she was spazzing out like me when I eat too many spoonfuls of pure sugar (which I do a lot). And who the hell is her publicist? White Oprah?

This Disney star was seen downing some Valtrex in the bathroom of a recent club. The star was under 21 and probably shouldn’t have been at the club in the first place. Not Miley Cyrus. (BuzzFoto)

Demi Lovato?

This C+list actress on a very hit network ensemble show is working on a HUGE settlement agreement because she got pregnant. Not so much because she is pregnant, but because the baby belongs to the married producer of the show and wants to keep things very, very quiet. (CDAN)

Please let it be Patricia Heaton. It's not, but please let it be anyway.

Katy Perry woke up on a beach somewhere in nothing but fishnets. This happens regularly if you're engaged to Russell Brand - HuffPo

Lara Flynn Boyle looks like an embalmed trout - Lainey Gossip

Another day, another picture of Brit Brit's seesaw nips - The Superficial

Evidence that life is hard: Kelly Brook pulls her own luggage - Egotastic!

Chippy D in her porn debut (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

This dog knows where the coke is - Hollywood Tuna

Modern Family to get Nathan Lane-ier - Towleroad

Eva Mendes is looking a little Danielle Staub-ish in the eyebrow area - Popoholic

Teresa Giudice says she's living within her means. I wish her greedy hairline would do the same thing - Celebitchy

I'd hit all the ones with peens, for real - The Chive

Lady Caca got nominated for a million VMAs or something - Popsugar

And Brandi Glanville will explode in 3..2.. - Just Jared

Raise your hand if you're a useless whore whose crotch looks like a crab farm - ICYDK

A Twatter war between two twats - I'm Not Obsessed

Before they were bright shining twinkly stars: Antoine Dodson - Crunk + Disorderly

We all need a mobile couch - Cityrag

This is an outfit for Gerard Butler, not a baby doll! - OMG Blog

Ke$hit ate a Smurf out - Hollywood Rag

Everybody gather in a circle and touch areolas (don't worry the rash on mine cleared up), because we need to pray the chichi gods that Queen Aretha will soon be back in full form! ABC News reports that Queen Aretha was forced to cancel two concerts in Brooklyn scheduled for this weekend after she fell down in the tub. You better not make any jokes about how she tripped on her nipple or how you're going to send condolence cards to the bath tub's family. DON'T!

Aretha is now recovering at home. The organizer for the Brooklyn dates said he is hoping Aretha reschedules for the fall.

Fluff up a chichi, rest your head and get better, Aretha!

(Thanks Mel)

It's obviously the week where we embarrass the shit out of celebrities by pulling out shiny magical gems from their past, so here's a video from 1992 of Paul Rudd DJing a Bat Mitzvah. This looks like a lost scene from 200 Cigarettes, but apparently it's real life. Paul Rudd really did have hair like a parted pubic bush. Gabrielle Birkner of The Forward posted this clip from her own Bat Mitzvah and had this to say about it.

Rudd, donning a yellow tuxedo jacket, a ruffled shirt, shorts and Doc Martens, ably and energetically led us through all of the bat mitzvah staples: Candle-lighting, Coke & Pepsi, Toasts, limbo, “Hands Up,” Challah-cutting and “YMCA.” And as the “Today” show-themed bat mitzvah party came to a close, he invited my friends onto the dance floor to sing a moving rendition of “That’s What Friends Are For.”

Obviously, this clip needs more titty slapping. You know what else it needs more of? The memaw in pink swaying her everything at the 0:57 mark! As much as I love seeing Paul Rudd dressed like a skater boy going to prom, the camera dude should've really focused on that memaw. She's the real star in this!

Source: The Jewish Daily Forward via Buzzfeed via Vanity Fair

Michelle Duggar isn't even trying to notice the white flag sticking out of her vag or trying to hear her uterus moaning out the grim reaper song, because she told Meredith Vieira on Today this morning that she will welcome a 20th fetus to her womb if she got pregnant.

Those words echoed through her crotch hangar and sent shivers through all her baby making parts. If you put your ear to the screen in the video above, you can almost hear them all screaming "SANTO DIOS!!!!!!" It's like Michelle is trying beat McDonald's record. Only 245,000,000,080 more to go!

Michelle and Jim Bob's 19th baby, Josie, was born 3 months premature and suffered from a perforated bowel. Josie was in and out of the hospital for a while and still needs supplemental oxygen when she sleeps. Even though Josie went through some serious shit and a 20th baby could have similar complications, Michelle would still do it again.

She told Meredith, "Knowing that we went through the challenge we did, we would do it again. In the fact that here we have this precious gift and it's a miracle. It really is. And I spoke with a mother who was in the NICU the same time we were and as they were leaving the room we were both in, she came over and spoke to me and said, 'This is my second baby that's been in the NICU.' And I think, 'You know, the precious life we see here is not a coincidence.' I just know it's a miracle. I don't take that for granted. I know that God is the one who gives life. And I'm just so grateful and thankful. And we would welcome another if he saw fit, but we'll just wait and see."

Michelle needs to stand up and repeat this: "My name is Michelle Duggar and I'm a babyaholic!"

At this point, bitch's uterus is beyond over this shit and is probably about to stage a revolt! It's crawling through Michelle's coochie tunnel and is quietly waiting for Jim Bob's peen to make an appearance. As soon as her uterus sees Jim Bob's evil peen head peeking in, it will plug that bitch's mouth up so his sperm fishies can go back to where they came from! Michelle's uterus is done with playing!

Lindsay Lohan usually looks like Magda after waking up to find her face in the toilet of a crackhouse, so the artists who spread their Photoshop sorcery all over this mess can pat themselves on the taint as soon as their carpal tunnel clears up.

Blohan got ready for jail by posing for the cover of Maxim in a striped bikini I'm sure her ass wore during the swimsuit portion of the Miss Lynwood pageant. Bitch didn't place. LiLo also continued to make White Oprah proud by showing off the strongest Lohan family trait (DELUSION) in her interview with Maxim:

We know you’ve had a very trying week, and we want you to know that Maxim loves you. How are you feeling right now?
I am feeling strong. I’ve experienced a lot in my life, and my mom has given me a lot of pills and encouraging words of delusion faith. This too shall pass.

You just had your birthday. What are you hoping for from the upcoming year?
To focus on myself instead of focusing on the ground to keep from passing out and my work and to move all press on me to focus on the work I do. Also, I’d like to do more work in India and travel to Malawi.

What is your advice to others about how to cope with adversity?
Stay true to yourself always. At the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror on the coffee table and be content with the choices you’ve made, and will make, in your life. Go with your gut even if it's filled with enough booze to keep The Hoff busy for a weekend!

....And hasn't Malawi been through enough?!

Laurence Fishburne isn't exactly skipping through the set of CSI while proudly holding a copy of his 19-year-old daughter's debut porn movie. Don't expect to see a "My Kid Fucks Better Than Your Honor Student" bumper sticker on Laurence's car anytime soon. In fact, Laurence found out about his daughter selling snatch on camera the same day we all did.

Montana Fishburne, who is going by the porn name Chippy D, tells TMZ, "[My dad] is very upset. I heard that he's mad at me but I haven't spoken to him yet. I feel pretty confident that I can work things out with him. I think he wants to support me in everything I do, and though he sees this now as a negative, I believe in time he will view it as a positive."

Morpheus has every right to be madder than fish grease at this bitch. Shit, I'm mad at her for listing Kim Kardassian as one of her role models. The broken toilet my mom uses as a flower planter in her backyard would make a better choice for a role model.

But importantly, I'm mad at her for going by the name Chippy D when she was given the perfect porn name ever. Sound it out. FISH-BURN. This bitch! Chippy D sounds like the nickname of a chunky chipmunk from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie who has big dreams of becoming a hip hop star but his lisp keeps getting in the way. Just no.