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When Officer Ross Gilbert pulled over a car in Ohio for illegally tinted windows, the last thing he expected to see was the driver committing a DWJ (Drive While Jacking) but that's exactly what he found. Officer Ross tells Cincinnati.com that he got an eye full of Colondra Hamilton sitting with her pants unzipped and a sex toy on her crotch. Since Colondra didn't even bother trying to hide the mobile fuck party going on in her lap, I'm going to guess that she also threw him a "Come on in, motherfucker" look when he strolled on up to her window. A bitch who bones herself while driving is ready for anything.

Colondra wasn't alone in the car, and admitted to Officer Ross that while she put her pussy to the metal (or silicone, in this case), her passenger held up a laptop with a porn playing on it so she could get a good look. Once Officer Ross finished screaming WTF on a loop in his head, he charged her with "driving with inappropriate alertness" and for having tinted windows. Oh, and Officer Ross also found a crack pipe in the car, but you probably already guessed that some type of the bad shit must have been involved in this mess.

The thing that really gets me is that this horny ho wasn't pulled over for driving all sorts of crooked. She was pulled over for having tinted windows! Bitch had one hand on the wheel, one hand on the stick shift in her snatch and one eye on the road with the other eye on a porn! This is the art of multi-tasking right here! She's like a one woman BANG BUS! I don't know whether to take notes or alert the city of London, because this is definitely going to give George Michael ideas.

Any one of Naomi Campbell's many enemies are always waiting for the perfect moment to replace the contents of her $5000 bottle of conditioner with Pantene (the drug store fumes will choke her instantly) or sprinkle d-Con nuggets into her glass of Cristal, so this story from Page Six doesn't surprise me at all. Naomi is a lot of things (examples: a cunt, a cunt, a cunt, a cunt, and a cunt, etc...), but she's not dumb.

A source tells Page Six that during dinner at a restaurant in Capri the other night, Naomi snapped at one of her bodyguards to bring her a little something to murder the blandness from her meal. The source said, "She couldn't indulge in food until her boyfriend's bodyguard brought over her own salt and pepper shakers." But Naomi's rep corrected the source, "It wasn't salt and pepper, it's her Jamaican hot sauce."

Jamaican hot sauce?! More like the blood, sweat and tears of her victims. What the rep failed to mention is that right before she poured the hot sauce onto the blood diamond she was about to eat, she made her bodyguard inject it directly into his veins to see if he'd bust into a seizure and start foaming at the mouth. Again, the treasured cunt can't be too careful.

Christopher F. Young is making every stop on the attention whore line in his bid to become the Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island! Christopher is the crazy who was kicked out of a debate when he refused to leave memawmaw's Mary "Full of Grace" statue outside. During another debate, Christopher brought on a wave of eye rolls when he proposed to his girlfriend in front of everyone. And now earlier this week, the second coming of Christopher dropped his latest trick on Fox's Rhode Show.

The Rhode Show's host Elizabeth Hopkins thought she was going to have coffee with Christopher, but instead he poured a carafe full of unfiltered hot fuckery right into her ear hole without warning her first. Christopher serenaded Elizabeth with a song about Jesus, and I can guarantee that all the angels gathered in the choir room in heaven to cringe together. It made their wings wilt.

Elizabeth would make an excellent spy, because she kept a perfect robotic "news anchor" look on her face even though you know the walls of her soul were crumbling down. Torture Elizabeth all you want and that smile will still stay locked on her face.

With all that being said, VOTE 4 CHRIS YOUNG! Well, if he's acting like this now, imagine all the unbridled buffoonery he's going to bring to Providence (and the world!!!!) if he becomes mayor?

via Cajun Boy (Thanks Kevin)

George Clooney or a skinny Jack Nicholson? - Popsugar

Sandra Bullock to talk to GLIB on Tuesday morning - Lainey Gossip

Miley Cyrus' "deep love" with Liam Hemsworth obviously wasn't deep enough. That didn't sound right. - Just Jared

Christina Hendricks' chichis do make you feel like you're being carried away on a cloud of heavenly air, so it makes sense that she's the new face of London Fog - The Superficial

A two-piece: Olivia Wilde is in one - Egotastic!

Celestia just smelled a fart (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Let's all be honest here, Crispy Ronaldo would look better in those lace panties - Hollywood Tuna

Madgie Dearest shows Baby Jesus the correct way to scrub the dirt out - Towleroad

Add another armadillo to the shopping cart BBQ, because there's going to be two Spears weddings - Celebitchy

Circle the fat people - The Berry

Hilary Duff's double stuffed diamond ring doesn't have nearly enough karats in it - Popoholic

Sugar Pie better get her own aria in this mess - OMG Blog

Timbaland did not try to off himself - I'm Not Obsessed

And then she fucked it - Moe Jackson

Kat Stacks screws Soulja Boy in more ways than one - Crunk + Disorderly

Hovering camel toe alert - Cityrag

St. Angie to write and direct a Bosnian war romance - ICYDK

Here's hoping George Lucas calls Yoda to the stand as a character witness - Hollywood Rag

Oh, Reg Traviss just wants Wino to stick her head out of her window and scream, "REEEEEEEEEEEG!" - Holy Moly!

Marky Mark still really wants people to see him as Mark Wahlberg, serious Oscar-nominated thespian, instead of the hot piece who is responsible for awakening the genitals of a thousand newbie gays in the 90s. This is Marky Mark's greatest achievement in his professional life and he should pull down his pants and embrace it! But nooooo, Marky still gets all sorts of assholey in the face when somebody brings it up. Drew Barrymore knows all about this.

During a scene in her new movie Going the Distance, Drew phone fucks with Justin Long while thinking about Marky Mark's ads for Calvin Klein chonies. When Drew ran into Marky Mark recently, she told him all about the scene and instead of thanking her for slobbering over his dick, he acted like a giant one. Drew told Popeater, "Oh my God, I did tell him that. I ran into him at an awards show and I told him I was just talking about how hot you are in your underwear. Who would not be excited about that? He's a very nice guy, and I have had other conversations with him that went much better than that."

Justin Long, who was also there, defended Marky, "It didn't go over great ... In [Wahlberg's] defense, it's a strange thing to bring up. I don't think he was prepared for it."

Marky Mark takes shit way too seriously. Why does he have to ruin all the beautiful and touching moments we spent together in my wet dreams back in the day? Why does he have to spit (and not in a sexy) on our fake love? Drew is right. There's no need for Marky to turn on the CUNT switch when a crazy gay runs up to him in an East Village deli to ask him to sign the cum stain on his old Calvin Klein ad. I mean, I asked politely and everything! Fuck!

Here's Drew with her dog friend in NYC last night.

During a court hearing this morning, Judge Elden Fox nailed a set of rules to Lindsay Lohan's forehead following her early release from rehab. We all know how well this trick followed the last set of rules Judge Marsha threw at her, so start the countdown clock! Here's the rules courtesy of TMZ:

1. Stay in California. Don't don't even think about visiting la farmacias in Ensenada.
2. Keep a balloon filled with Nana Lohan's sober piss in your crotch at all times, because you must submit to random drug and booze testing twice a week.
3. See your shrink at least 4 days a week.
4. Go to behavior therapy sessions twice a week.
5. Go to a 12-step program at least 5 times a week.
6. Give White Oprah the access code to the safe where you keep blank prescription pads and wads of cash.

Okay, sneaky White Oprah wrote that last one when LiLo was passed out on her bed.

If the crackie gets a major F on her drug and booze test, she will have to spend 30 days back in the chokey. And by 30 days in jail, Judge Fox really means that she'll just have to sit in a private room at Lynwood until she rolls doubles.

Did somebody say "race to the cock"? Point me to the starting line. Hopefully, Tommy Girl and I don't show up wearing the same assless spandex tracksuit.

And I also hope that the finish line isn't the giant chicken statute in Minnesota or I'm going to have to ask Governor Paterson for a refund. "Keep fucking that chicken" better not apply here.

Source: Gothamist via Videogum

And I'm not talking about the tit that is Spencer Pratt!!! (The gong is the shop, so you'll have to use a trash can lid instead.) Heidi Montag's nipples are crying a river of silicone tears to Life & Style, because she says that when she sleeps against a wall at night, she dreams of a life without two giant rollerballs stuffed into her chest.

Heidi is down in Costa Rica to replace her size G (is for goddamnyoureadumbfuck) implants with DDs. Heidi's assistant took a hot blow dryer to her face to loosen it up a bit so she could open up her mouth and say, "I'm desperate to go back to normal. I'm downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D. I have major anxiety about it. I was taking painkillers but they weren't working so I stopped. It hurt either way. I'm obsessed with fitness but it's impossible to work out with these boobs. It's heartbreaking. I can't live an everyday life. I feel trapped in my own body."

Heidi's brain turned to dust as soon as she licked on Spencer Pratt's hairy ass crack, so you can't say that she should've thought about this before she Real Doll-ized herself. But seriously, you would think it would be relatively easy for Heidi to downgrade her chest area. She should just get Spencer to release a little air from the push-pull valve on her ass. That should do the trick right.

Somewhere in the world, the reigning fake titty queen Sheyla Hershey just said this to Heidi's cover: "Light (*oxygen mask over face, oxygen mask off face*) weight (*passes out*)"

Since TLC has already picked off every piece of meat on the carcass of Jon & Kate's marriage, they are sharpening their teefs and going after new flesh! TLC has cursed Victor and Digna Carpio of Queens, NY by giving them their own reality show. Sextuplets Take New York will follow Victor and Digna as they raise their 22-month-old child army and their 9-year-old son. Basically, the poor Gosselin kids are getting pushed down the stairs by six younger and hungrier BABYZILLAS! Here's the press release from TLC:

The Carpio sextuplets, America’s first Latino sextuplets, are ready for their close-up, if they can sit still for that long! Now 22 months old, these four boys and two girls have just mastered the art of walking and will soon be talking - in two languages. On Tuesday, September 14 at 10 pm ET/PT, TLC premieres the new eight-part series SEXTUPLETS TAKE NEW YORK. Each episode follows the daily challenges parents Victor and Digna Carpio face while raising active sextuplets and an energetic 9-year-old son in their modest house in Queens, NY.

From 50 diaper changes to three homemade hot meals a day, to balancing doctor's appointments, tennis practice, tutoring, and homework, Victor and Digna certainly have their hands full. Born weighing less than two pounds each and given little to no chance for survival, the Carpio sextuplets are six little miracles.

TLC needs less BABIES!!! and more dresses and little people. Where's "Say Si to the Quinceañera Dress" or "Little Pimps, Big Whores"?

The minute Victor comes on the screen in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, TLC just needs to do the right thing by pulling their own plug before it's too late. Or we can just lie to TLC and tell them we've found a couple of little people hoarders who own a child beauty queen dress shop and are parents to six tattooed babies. That will definitely make TLC spontaneously combust.

Giving Chester Cheetah his fapping material for the week (How do you think Velveeta sauce is made?), Brit Brit hit a beach in Hawaii yesterday wearing a delicious Cheetokini. Brit Brit's Coke can holder/boyfriend Sam Merlotte Extra Light escorted her since Daddy Spears opted to go to the nekkid beach instead.

Brit Brit's weave doesn't look like a plate of fried straw potatoes with crusty mushroom gravy on top, so I'm just going to auto-tune the hate and say she looks good! See, I can play nice (as I chew the tippity tips of my fingers off).