For the past week or so, Bravo's Andy Cohen has been swearing on his perfectly manicured chest rug that the reunion show for The Real Trashwives of New Jersey is the best one they've ever done. Well, here's Andy's proof in the form a clip featuring Teresa Giudice screaming at Danielle so hard that I think one of her forehead veins pushed back her hairline a few inches (we all wish).
You almost expect to see a dozen tiny police cars circle around Teresa right before she climbs the Empire State Building and swats at the helicopters shooting at her. Andy just needed to tag the bitch and release her back into the wild. Where the hell was the Gorilla Whisperer when we really needed her?
And what did Danielle pull out of her bag? A ball of all the weave tracks that have been yanked out of her head? The genie's lamp so she can finally take over Agrabah? A snow globe filled with light and love?
It would probably come as a surprise to many that this TV personality isn’t beloved by everyone in their locale. S/he is finally going, but won’t be missed. This person’s demands have become progressively more outrageous and insufferable over the years, and s/he has simply worn out their welcome. There are many staffers on this person’s show who are breathing a large sigh of relief that this nasty person’s reign is almost over. (Blind Gossip)
All Larry King wants is a jar full of organic flies to catch with his tongue in between interviews. Is that so much to ask? That is hardly demanding!
This could also be Mary Hart, the almighty Oprah (a bolt of lightning will probably butt fuck me tonight for bringing up Oprah's good name) or Kimora Lee Simmons who recently left Baby Phat.
Wow, don't tell Melanie Griffith about this one or Antonio will never have an inch of freedom. This former A list movie actor who is now a comfortable B+ has had some fidelity issues. Well, lots of fidelity issues actually. It seems his wife does not like him cheating on her and as part of the deal where she agrees to stay married to him he has a tracking device he carries with him so she knows where he is 24 hours a day. The thing is that she doesn't know is that half the time when it says he is in his production office or on set, it is actually his assistant who is holding the device and our actor is off somewhere still cheating. I could make this really easy and describe the wife and the co-star our actor has been sleeping with, but there needs to be a little challenge. (CDAN)
If this wife is really serious, she should force her husband to wear a lockable GPS cock ring that only she has the key for. My guess is: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Blake Lively?
Which D List Reality star was invited to stay at a nice hotel this weekend on the hotel’s dime but ended up, according to our source, spending most of the night in the car of some stranger in the parking lot after a late night cocaine bender? (BuzzFoto)
Grandma Wrinkles, obviously.
Here's a grouch-faced Sean Penn on the Dublin set of This Must Be The Place looking like someone just butt sneezed in his favorite red lipstick. Sean plays a retired rock star who puts on his Detective La Toya monocle to track down the Nazi war criminal responsible for torturing his father at Auschwitz. The Academy is already engraving Sean's name on an Oscar statute just in case...
I know Sean is trying to give us "post-Biggest Loser Robert Smith" but dude looks more like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons after sexing herself up for a hot date with a cardboard cutout of Moe.
A vintage Katy Perry Glamour Shot: I didn't know she was a model in the Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead fashion show - Buzzfeed
Do you think Ruper Grint's pubestache tastes like burnt ginger crème brûlée - Lainey Gossip
Hard nipples and spiral weave! Yup, Beyonce's on vacation - Egotastic!
The epitome of MiserAlba (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Yeah, and White Oprah wants her vag to squirt out fake tanner, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen - The Superficial
What Lady Caca jacks off to - The Berry
Speaking of masturbation material, DanRad and Jason Stackhouse might star in a gay movie together - Towleroad
Lisa Rinna in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna
Rachel Uchitel will fuck absolutely anything with a wedding ring on. ANYTHING. - Celebitchy
"How does this work exactly?" - Adriana Lima trying to figure out how to put on a t-shirt - Popoholic
Chupa's Brad and Johnny Weir gushing gush bombs all over each other - OMG Blog
Jennifer Aniston will guest star on the TV show with the worst name ever - I'm Not Obsessed
What in the Sanrio forest child hell is Suri wearing? - Popsugar
Dancing with the STDs - Just Jared
It took me a few seconds to realize this is not Brigitte Nielsen - SOW
Romeo's milkshake contains nipple dandruff, belly button lint and pit sweat - Necole Bitchie
Why are Ty Ty's old wigs attacking Drew Barrymore? - ICYDK
If only there was a pack of wild coyotes waiting for them at the end - Hollywood Rag
Dogs in bikinis (not a Kardashian post) - Cityrag
Tiger Woods no longer has to worry about cleaning his mistress' pussy juices off of his wandering peen in the sink of a gas station before he comes home, because now that he's divorced he can proudly do all of his ho shit out in the open! Elin Nordegren's lawyer issued a statement to People confirming that her marriage to Tiger is now lying next to Mindy Lawton's used tampon in the parking lot of a Waffle House.
"We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.
Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern."
Elin and Tiger battled it out behind closed doors before they filed for divorce, so nobody knows the details of her settlement. The rumor is that Elin is rolling around in a bed covered in at least 100 million dollar bills. A source also says that Tiger and Elin will share custody of their two kids.
This is a triumphant day for Elin, and you might think this is also panty creaming news for cocktail waitresses in the Orlando area, but it's not. Gold digging hos are crying, because the days of getting five figures from The Insider for an "I Fucked A Married Tiger Woods" interview are over. Now that he's single, boning Tiger will only get you an appointment card at the free clinic.
On last night's Big Brother US, Britney showed off her Head of Household room and all her gifts from home including this whacked out portrait of her as a 14-year-old beauty queen. Thousands of question marks are gathering together in my empty head to spell out two words: BROW FUCKERY.
Seriously, who is responsible for this tragic brow massacre? A cracked out chicken who suffers from vertigo? That scratch on the right isn't a brow, it's a serial killer's signature. This is fitting since the mass murder of hundreds of beautiful eye follicles has been committed here. Browocide!
And who is responsible for putting a bejeweled crown on the head of a poor girl whose upper eye area looks like a broken Etch A Sketch? You should not reward this kind of behavior! Well, unless Britney was competing in Miss Emaciated Eyebrows. If that's the case, she deserves the title.
Thankfully, Britney has worked on her eyebrow situation over the years and it currently looks like this:
She could still use the helping hand of a charitable cholita, but at least she no longer looks like she's got the two fractured legs of a praying mantis pasted over her eyes.
While Laurence Olivier was on the veranda petting the heads of one of his many pool boys, his wife Vivien Leigh was out leasing peen at the local gas station/whore house. This is according to a new ESCANDALOSO (not really) biography that claims the late Vivien Leigh was "a bi-polar and bi-sexual nympho." File this under: We were all Vivien Leigh in our past lives. Hell, I think most of you are Vivien Leigh in your CURRENT lives.
Darwin Porter, a so-called friend of Vivien's and co-author of the biography, writes that Scarlett O'Hara loved "rough trade" and slept with several of her co-stars including Marlon Brando, Rex Harrison and British actress Isabel Jeans.
Whether true or not, this is my favorite excerpt from this mess of a tell-all:
"In the 1940s, the world's most recognizable star would drive down to Scotty's (a notorious LA brothel that masqueraded as a gas station with one pump and 22 attendants) with her friend George Cukor, the initial director of 'Gone With The Wind,' and they would both pick out young men for the night
They would pay the men with gifts such as cigarette cases, jewels, or even stocks and bonds. She depended on the professional discretion of men not to boast they had just serviced Scarlett O'Hara."
Don't you wish you lived in the days where you could drive up to Scotty's and buy a man whore with a nephrite cigarette case and a ruby bracelet off your own wrist? Nowadays, you have to buy a piece in the back alley of a Sunoco with a wad of wet tens and half of a meth rock.
The whores of yesteryear probably even apologized afterwards for giving you the clap. Those were the true days of class and elegance.
In case you've been asking yourself "What Would Brad Pitt Do?" in regards to the BP oil disaster, here's your answer.
During an interview for Spike Lee's HBO documentary about New Orleans, Brad Pitt put on all his chunky gold rings, asked Shiloh to hold his pocket book, and then spit out a few fightin' words at BP. Basically, Brad Pitt wants the executives at BP to join The Death Club. From HuffPo & USA Today:
'If God Is Willing and Da Creek Don't Rise' is a four-hour followup to Lee's 2006 film 'When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts.'
Lee landed an interview with Pitt, who owns a home in New Orleans with partner Angelina Jolie and whose Make It Right organization has built homes post-Katrina.
Reflecting on those responsible for the oil spill, Pitt can barely contain his contempt. "I was never for the death penalty before," he says. "I am willing to look at it again."
And then Brad Pitt's assistant strolled in to ask if he'd like the temperature in the Maybach to be at 70 or 73 degrees for the short ride to the helicopter that will take him to his private jet. NO! I'm making shit up again. It was an Escalade, not a Maybach!
The Hello Kitty Baby Hospital is once again preparing their special Mariah Carey suite after seeing these pictures of the Rainbow Butterfarty Princess possibly serenading her fetus at the Barretos International Rodeo in Brazil over the weekend. It seems like every few months a picture rolls (take cover!) around of Mimi looking like a Honeybaked Ham at its Super Sweet 16 Gala, and it's got everyone declaring that her custom-made Lisa Frank pregnancy test must be showing a pink heart (that's a positive).
The way Mimi's man servants are handling her like she's a delicate crystal pearl birthed from a mermaid's nipple has got me thinking that she is carrying a precious baby in her pink womb. But then again, Mimi IS a delicate crystal pearl birthed from a mermaid's nipple, so she should always be handled with care.
This is why Andrea Zuckerman's crisis hotline should still be in business today. On Fantasia's Behind the Music which airs on Vh1 tomorrow night, she admits that when she swallowed an entire bottle of pills two weeks ago she did it because she wanted to get a visit from the grim reaper (Yes, I've been playing The Sims again).
With the threat of getting sued by her boyfriend's estranged wife for committing acts of homewreckery hanging over her, Fanny said she just couldn't deal anymore. Fanny tells Vh1, "I didn't have any fight in me. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted out. At that moment, I wanted out. I wanted it to be over with – all of it, all of that shit. I just sat in the closet and looked at the mirror and took all the pills in the bottle. I wanted to go to sleep and just be at peace. I knew exactly what I was doing. You can't accidentally take a whole bottle of pills. I was tired of people doing me wrong, constantly, over and over again, dealing with my family – my father, dealing with men and their shit – I was tired. My head was hurting me. I was over it."
Fanny's manager knew she was in a bad place, so he texted her and told her not to do anything stupid. Fanny's "text for help" came 10 minutes after that when she wrote him, "I already have."
Fanny says that her hospital nurse helped bring her back into reality and now she's living for her daughter, "I realized how people end up in the grave. Because that one moment [snaps her fingers] of just breaking or feeling like I can't, I can't go on, it's too heavy. That was somewhere I don't ever want to go again."
People's article also mentions that Fantasia's new album comes out tomorrow. Damn. Well, I guess this is one way of promoting an album....