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Looking like she should be yanking out a skank's weave track with one hand while balancing a Bud Light in the other on the Rock of Love Bus, Kate Gosselin took her baby brigade out to buy back-to-school clothes at Boscov's this morning. Afterwards, they all went to the local Frederick's of Hollywood outlet so mommy could buy some back-to-the-ho-stroll outfits for herself.

For real, if Kate insists on dressing like she just got back from an open casting call for The Real Roadside Hookers of Panama Beach, she should really commit. Replace those DSW shoes with a pair of lucite wedges and those satin shorts from Deb Shops with some denim no-no huggers! If you're going to try to summon the elegance, do it with feeling!

You know that tape of a factory defected Real Doll humping on a pile of hairy caca? Well, Spencer Pratt has pulled the pricing gun out of his culo and stamped that tape with a bright orange sticker that reads: $5 MILLION. This is what Spencer told TMZ anyways.

Steve Hirsch of Vivid, who is negotiating with Spencer for the tape, doesn't seem to think this amount is totally and utterly fucked up. Right now in a control room up in heaven God has just opened up the clear box covering up thee red button. His finger is hovering above it as Bea Arthur, his second in command, shouts, "Just push beadammit!"

Spencer also tells TMZ that he has enough footage to fill an entire website, "I will knock Club Jenna out of the water. When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure."

To reiterate, Vivid might pay $5 million for a Twit and Twat sex tape! A sex tape! $5 million for a snuff film I can sort of see, but not a regular sex tape!

But in all seriousness, this couldn't be more of a scam even if Spencer said the tape also starred an exiled Nigerian prince, a free Rolex watch, a sexy Russian bride and a box of 93% 0ff Pfizer.

The Sun is reporting that Baby Jesus' favorite burp nurse Madge has been offered 1 billion fucking dollars to pop her pussy and bust her biceps in a Las Vegas show for five long years. ONE BILLION DOLLARS. Somebody at The Sun must have been sniffing Wite-Out way too fast again, because there's way too many zeroes in that number. $1 billion for a dinner theater floor show starring Keyboard Cat, La Toya Jackson, Antoine Dodson and La Tigresa del Oriente, YES! $1 billion for a show starring Madge, NO.

The Sun's sources says Madge is thinking about possibly accepting the $1 billion deal. But LVRJ's Norm McDonald says there's no way she was offered $1 billion. A Las Vegas entertainment agent says that in order for her to make $750 million a year, the average ticket price for her show would have to be $200 and she'd have to do 5 shows a week for 50 weeks. The agent added, "That's impossible. She's not going to work 50 weeks."

Celine Dion recently signed a new 3 year deal with Caesars Palace worth $100 million and she only has to do 70 shows a year.

Norm McDonald also dug up a Madge quote from a few years ago when she was asked if she would ever do a sit-down in Las Vegas. At the time she said, "That's insane. I hate Las Vegas. I couldn't bear it for five minutes."

This is true. That heat would instantly melt the silicone cutlets in Madge's face. Bitch would have to travel around in one of those air-conditioned True Blood coffins. Actually, I think she already does. AND how is she going perform her midnight beauty ritual of slathering her entire body with blood from a virgin's inaugural menstrual cycle when there aren't any virgins in Las Vegas! Poor Baby Jesus would have to crawl deep into the desert to find one. Yeah, this isn't happening.

In London last night, Kate Winslet showed off her new-ish piece Louis Dowler (who might have come from the same batch as Gabriel Aubry) by taking his ass out for dinner and boozing. Apparently, Kate and Louis have been dating since May. Kate quickly picked up Louis, who writes MODEL TYPE next to occupation on his tax forms, after she filed for divorce from Sam Mendes.

Yes, Louis looks like he spent all day brushing his locks and meticulously styling that outfit in a three-way mirror, but who cares as long as he's making Kate's vagina declare itself the queen of the world while riding on the tip of his peen.

And here's a picture from a few months ago of Louis' nipples catching wind:

To be honest, I'm most jealous of Kate's daughter in that pic. Riding in a rickshaw around the city is the way to go. If only it had a cup holder and a spritzer fan. It also wouldn't hurt if Kate was wearing a flat-screen TV backpack.

Corin Forshaw from the UK's Big Brother 2010

I haven't been keeping up with Big Brother UK like I should be, so I've never laid eyes upon this inside/out Butterfinger beauty until I saw the pictures from her (SPOILER ALERT) eviction last night. It's like looking at an over-embalmed Katie Price in a fun house mirror.

Those eyelashes look like the top parts of two silk ebony sunflowers reaching high for an exquisite double rainbrow. Corin's skin reminds me of the time I left my box of Crayons in the backyard and the orange section completely melted together. Understated perfection.

Now, I have no idea what Corin's story is. Corin could be such a bitch that her cunt glares causes the wallpaper on the walls to bubble over. Or she could be the sweetest thing to come along since Zac Efron's pucker. Who knows and it honestly doesn't matter. Everything I need to know about Corin is in that picture above.

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