Archives

The Lindsay Lohan news just keeps pouring out like a bottle of E&J Gallo going into White Oprah's mouth at any given hour of the day. It's just like 2007's Our Lady of Cheetos Chronicles all over again! But Frapps and Cheetos have been replaced with Dilaudid and White Oprah's delusions. London the dog has been replaced with a SCRAM anklet. Gas stations have been replaced by Twitter. Adnan Ghalib's landing strip has been replaced by a FUCK U nail. The 5150 has been replaced by Judge Marsha's bitch slap. And Brit Brit's swamp thing weave has been replaced by.... Oh wait, well that didn't change.

Anyways, hold up your FUCK U 2 nail and let's get to this mess.

Lilo's Fuck U nail wasn't directed at Judge Marsh: LiLo Twatted last night that her FUCK U nail wasn't directed towards the court or anybody in particular. She barfed: "didn't we do our nails as a joke with our friend dc? it had nothing to do w/court.. it's an airbrush design from a stencil xx"

Anybody with a drop of reason swimming in their brains would know that if they have FUCK U on their nail, they should probably stick their hand between their nalgas while sitting in front of a judge. Or this bitch could've at least scrawled a "P" next to the "U." The judge and the public-at-large would've given her extra points for finally admitting the obvious.

LiLo called Judge Marsha a "fucking bitch": A source tells TMZ that right after Judge Marsha kicked Lilo in the bagina bone by sentencing her to jail, she called the judge a "fucking bitch."

I doubt Judge Marsha heard this since her ears were bombarded with a million voices declaring her their "fucking hero."

LiLo might have compared her situation to an Iranian woman who is probably going to be stoned to death: On her Twatter last night, LiLo linked to a Newsweek article about an Iranian woman who might be stoned to death for cheating on her man. LiLo Twatted: "No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment." (Tell that to the people who watched I Know Who Killed Me).

I'm sure White Oprah is going to make a hundred copies of LiLo's ridiculous rant and hand that shit out in front of a Carvel on Long Island. Fudgie the Whale will never get away with torturing White Oprah by not giving her a free cake!

LiLo gets a visit from Kim Kardassian: Instead of showing up to her belated birthday party at some club in L.A. last night, LiLo stayed home and hung out with Kim Kardassian. Can we lock up Kim Kardassian for guilt by association? Someone should start a petition.

THE END (for now). I'm sure as soon as I hit the "publish" button somebody will post a story about how White Oprah is staging a tanning strike.

The shitty raisin floating in everyone's toilet bowl has already pissed off Jewish people, African-Americans, arsonists, pigs, etc...etc.... Since Mel Gibson won't stop until every showing of one of his movies looks like a Bombshell McGee wet dream, he has allegedly dropped another slur in another one of those tapes secretly recorded by Oksana Grigorieva. In the tape, Mel yells at OctoSana about one of his Latino employees:

“I will report her to the fucking people that take fucking money from the wetbacks.”

Yes, Mel used the "wetback" word, but he's also against the deportation issue. So do the two cross each other out, or did Mel offend both the Latinos AND the immigration department? I will wait to see if my cholita cousin throws away her VHS copy of Mad Max (which she got on Columbia House, thankyouverymuch).

P.S.: When the hell are these tapes going to be released on iTunes already?!

The earthquake in Southern California yesterday was God's way of warning Hollywood that they better do right by his personal angel Betty White at this morning's Emmy Nominations. And they didn't, so those bitches better stop, drop and roll. Oh wait, that's what you do when a flame hops on your back. Well, they should do that anyways, because I won't be surprised if a bolt of lighting (or an angry gay aka me) is headed their way.

Yes, Betty White received ONE LITTLE nomination for her triumphant performance on Saturday Night Live, but we all know she should've been nominated in EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY. Best Stunt Coordination? Betty should've been nominated! Best Technical Direction? Betty should be sitting in that category too.

Kanye West should be shouting about how the Emmys hate Betty White People. White Oprah should be issuing statements on how this is so unfair to do this to such an innocent child. While I organize the BOYCOTT THE EMMYS movement (not really), you can shake your fist or do the dick slappy dance at the nominees below. They are recognizing Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis, so I'll give them that. The full list is here.

OUTSTANDING DRAMA
Lost
Breaking Bad
Dexter
Mad Men
True Blood
The Good Wife

OUTSTANDING COMEDY
Glee
Modern Family
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Nurse Jackie
30 Rock
The Office
Curb Your Enthusiasm

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)
Mariska Hargitay (Special Victims Unit)
Glenn Close (Damages)
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
January Jones (Mad Men)
Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
Hugh Laurie (House M.D.)
Michael C. Hall (Dexter)
Matthew Fox (Lost)

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Lea Michele (Glee)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Toni Collette (The United States of Tara)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Matthew Morrison (Glee)
Steve Carell (The Office)
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)
Tony Shalhoub (Monk)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Chris Colfer (Glee)
Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)
Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
Jon Cryer (Two and A Half Men)
Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)
Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
John Slattery (Mad Men)
Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
Martin Short (Damages)
Terry O’ Quinn (Lost)
Michael Emerson (Lost)
Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Sharon Gless (Burn Notice)
Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)
Rose Byrne (Damages)
Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)
Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live)
Jane Krakowski (30 Rock)
Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)
Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men)

OUTSTANDING REALITY SHOW (COMPETITION)
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing with the Has-Beens
Project Runway
Top Chef

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Kristen Chenoweth (Glee)
Jane Lynch (Two and a Half Men)
Christine Baranski (The Big Bang Theory)
Elaine Stritch (30 Rock)
Tina Fey (SNL)
Kathryn Joosten (Desperate Housewives)
Betty White (SNL)

The above picture is from Betty's new calendar which comes out in September. Proceeds go to the Morris Animal Foundation. I'm sure it will be nominated for a Pulitzer Award next year.

E! Network quickly apologized for their mistake in airing the Kardashian/Odom ultrasound on TV. - atlantapug

Runners-up:

For the first time in history of everything
Discovery and TLC brings you an upclose and personal look at hardest working bitch in Hollywood!
WHITE OPRAH : The lost brain cell in 3D !!!!! - Flatbush Hooker IS BACK

The oil spill in the gulf of Mexico was finally contained after the US goverment ordered Beyonce, Raquel Welch and Kim Kolciak to donate their wigs. If only they had thought of it sooner. - salacious

via PIU

Paul the Psychic Octopus - The breakout star of World Cup!

By now you've probably already joined the "Paul for Supreme Leader of the Universe" Facebook fan page for the psychic octopus who has successfully predicted the outcome of all 6 of Germany's World Cup games. Paul, who lives in an aquarium in Germany, and his soothsaying tentacles predicted correctly that Germany's run would come to an end yesterday after losing to Spain. And now Germany's team is going to schnitzel that puss and wash him down with a beer. NO!

I predict that Overlord Paul and his army of SLYCIC octopussies will enslave the human race and take over the world. Either that or Paul will move to Queens, where he'll spend his days drinking a 40 oz. from a paper bag at an off-track betting place.

Below is a clip of Paul in action. You better bow down to him, because I'm sure he can see you:

Kevin Bacon (52)
Jaden Smith (12)
Sky Ferreira (18)
Sophia Bush (28)
Milo Ventimiglia (33)
Kathleen Robertson (37)
Beck (40)
Billy Crudup (42)
Michael Weatherly (42)
Joan Osborne (48)
Andrew Fletcher of Depeche Mode (49)
Toby Keith (49)
Angelica Houston (59)
Wolfgang Puck (61)
Jeffrey Tambor (66)
Janice Pennington (68)
Steve Lawrence (75)