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The Lohan family regularly uses a Slap Chop to dice their rocks and have been known to use a ShamWow to wipe the fake tan grease off of Nana Lohan's cheek when they kiss her, so it sort of makes sense that Lindsay Lohan would be friends with hooker beater ShamWow Vince and shoot a cameo in his shitematic masterpiece. What doesn't make a snort of sense is that LiLo continues to fuck with Marilyn Monroe by dressing up as her any chance she gets. What has MM done to LL to deserve this?! Marilyn Monroe is about to roll her coffin all the way to Larry H. Parker's office to file a copyright infringement lawsuit against LiLo. Jeanne Carmen is lowering her rose-tinted shades and looking down on all of this!

Before LiLo turned herself into the clink, she played a SCRAM-wearing Marilyn Monroe-alike who shoots off the hand that feeds her whiskey in ShamWow Vince's Underground Comedy Movie 2010. That mess is basically a redo of Vince's Underground Comedy 1999 which starred Joey Buttafuoco. Below is a trailer which features supermodels shitting, pigs licking peen and LiLo!

I really hope Debbie Allen comes back to choreograph the Oscars next year, because I'd really love to see her dance interpretation of Underground Comedy Movie 2010 since it will obviously receive a nomination in every category. Trust this.

Despite what the tabloids and glossy mags say, this very famous show business couple is not really pregnant. She had her tubes tied a long time ago. For the next few months, though, her fake, special-effects pregnant stomach made of silicone will slowly grow in size until she “gives birth” to an adopted baby. Since her other child/ren didn’t resemble her, no one will question that fact that this one won’t, either. You’ll get a close-up of the scientifically-made miracle child on the front cover of a magazine (now being negotiated for a hefty fee). (Blind Gossip)

This is ridiculous, so naturally I'll guess Kelly Preston and John Travolta? Maybe Kelly bought her silicone bump at a discount from Nicole Kidman.

This singer is creating a stir by cheating on her man with a D List MTV star. She met him at some event and was enamored with his ‘charm.’ The two have been hooking up every chance they get and haven’t been too discreet. Hopefully we’ll get a photo soon! Not Christina Aguilera. (BuzzFoto)

Charo and Pauly D from Jersey Shore? No, Charo would never fuck down. I'll go with Jessica Simpson and The Situation?

This almost almost former A lister on television from a very hit show who is now just a very tall C list television and movie actress got really drunk a few weeks ago and destroyed her agent's house. Surprisingly though, even though she has not worked much, caused about $20K in damage in the house he did not drop her as a client. Could be because she is sleeping with his married boss. (CDAN)

Oh, Kristen Johnston (?) was simply doing research for her role as Patsy in the American butchery of AbFab. Yes, they already shot that shit and it got turned down by the network a while ago, but Kristen is staying in character just in case they change their minds.

We're all going to need to go to confession after watching this illegal mess, so I'll save you a spot in line if I get there first - OMG Blog

Stepford Katie is rolling her jeans again - Lainey Gossip

It won't be long before Parasite Hilton is driving around Hollywood in a pink Corvette and waving at the giant billboards she bought herself - Hollywood Tuna

Jayde Nicole with a Band-Aid on her chin. Teabagging gone wrong? - Egotastic!

Good news! The world might have escaped seeing Lindsay Lohan's snatch on the big screen. That's probably bad news for those of you who get the tingles during horror movies - The Superficial

Well....at least Liam Neeson is looking good - Popoholic

Tara Reid really is the master at looking as shitfaced as possible (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Jennifer Aniston on Jay Leno acting like she hasn't spent many a night researching making a baby via turkey baster - Celebitchy

Ken Paves and Billy Ray Cyrus kissing on the cover of a Spider-Man comic - Towleroad

Ann Margaret is perfection - ICYDK

Michael C. Hall just because - Popsugar

Piers Morgan is probably replacing Larry King. I hope his ass looks good in suspenders - Just Jared

Nicole Richie or Klingon? - Cityrag

Tom Jones is not passing the peen around like he used to - Hollywood Rag

Marky Mark got a star - Popbytes

Lindsay Lohan is headed to the beach...for rehab - I'm Not Obsessed

Chris Brown has a funny way of spelling FAIL - Crunk + Disorderly

That HOT SHOWER sign is really make this picture for me. Anyways, this beautiful photo taken today shows the Pickler Gobbler of Jersey Shore WAAAAAAAAHing away as a police officer drags her ass to jail. TMZ says that Snooki was arrested for disorderly conduct while shooting scenes for the third season of Jersey Shore in Seaside Heights, NJ.

It's not known what kind of disorderly conduct Snooki was busted for, but I don't think the police really need to be specific. I mean, it's Snooki! Bitch is a stumbling disorderly conduct. Hopefully, once Snooki is booked, she is taken down to the ASPCA for the works!

And this is probably just Snooki's way of getting Obama to finally admit he knows who she is.

Heidi Montag divorced her original face earlier this year, and now People is reporting that she is also legally removing the misshapen dildo up her ass. Twit filed for divorce from her butt plug of 1 year and her lawyer issued this statement afterwards:

"Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement. Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce."

I could spend a million keystrokes on saying that these two dick holes got fake married so that they could get fake divorced so that they could fake their reunion for a fake new reality show, but I'll save myself some time by simply saying what you're all thinking: WHO GIVES A FUCK.

Pulpo Paul better watch it, because I'm officially physic.

Oksana Grigorieva has gone through two publicists already, because they keep telling to shut her lips to the media about all things Mel Gibson but she doesn't listen. Case in point: OctoSana gave an interview to Radar Online outside of a Ralph's in Los Angeles this morning. I'm not saying the interview looks completely choreographed and staged...Okay, yes, I am, because it does (click here to see it). At first, OctoSana tells Radar that she can't talk to them, but then she continues to talk...and talk some more.

OctoSana says that Mad Mel's verbal tornado of blue bally rage was recorded all on the same night. She secretly recorded him, because she wanted proof of his craziness in case he did anything to her that night. She swears on her collagen supply that she didn't try to extort cash out of Mel in exchange for the tapes. She says that rumor is a part of a smear campaign against her by Team Mad Mel. OctoSana went on to say, "I think Mel, basically, is trivializing domestic violence. It is unfair that by standing up to somebody -- and speaking out -- I am being victimized all over again. He has hurt so many people."

When asked if she has a message for Mel, she asked him to start spitting out the truth for the sake of their daughter.

OctoSana has been playing things perfectly up until she started blabbing to anybody who put a mic under her face! She should simply just watch from afar as the tapes slowly bury Mel's reputation in the rose garden. When this mess comes to an end, that's when you bring out the tell-all, the Lifetime movie, the album and THE EVERYTHING. Save it for the real fucking stage.

The next time a polis officer tries to arrest your ass in Sweden (which probably happens to you all the time), show him this video on your iPhone and tell him that you're not going anywhere with him until he shakes his lingonberries to The Knife. Fuck a badge. As this video clearly shows, a true Swedish cop identifies himself by rocking his head like a rooster trying to get water out of his ear. Don't accept nothing less than this!

Spoiler alert that might deflate your boner a little: Apparently, this part of some performance art piece and the hot bitch above isn't a real cop. Just pretend you never read that, so you can still get a cop in Sweden to bust out the moves for you. It might work.

via Videogum

If anime versions of the gypsy king from Thinner and Ratpunzel consummated their newfound love behind a tree in Woodstock, their broken condom baby might look like Lady CaCa on the cover of September's Vanity Fair. All the copies of Photoshop used for this cover can join hands and take their bows, because they've done it again.

Since Lindsay Lohan is unable to fully represent us drunk slutty wrecks out there, Tara Reid has come out of retirement in a big way to take her place. And to show us all that when LiLo was making movies with talking cars and shit, she was the one who was flashing her drunk chocha to the paps and passing out in bushes like it's an Olympic sport.

Here's Tara partying on a yacht in St. Tropez with Dennis Rodman and her on-and-off-again piece Michael Assman. It's like you're looking into a crystal ball and seeing your weekend. But except for sitting on the lap of a glittermeister on a yacht in France, you'll be sipping Boones Farms from a paper bag while sitting on a parking block in front of an IHOP somewhere. It's practically the same thing.

And you know Tara is all sorts of tanked if Michael Assman is actually grabbing onto her titty to keep her from eating floor. Michael must be used to it. He just pretends like he's holding onto ASKars' ass cheek instead. You can see it in his eyes.

You can take Kim Kardassian's name off the list of the Most Useless Pieces of Trash in the World, because I've just learned that she actually does serve a purpose to a humanity! Kim is teaching the young ladies out there that you can reach for the stars for reaching for the peen and sticking it in your snatch on camera! TMZ reports that Laurence Fishburne's 19-year-old daughter Montana will star in her first fuck film for Vivid Entertainment.

Montana's reasoning for wanting to get into porn really doesn't make a lot of sense. Montana said, "I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape."

If Montana wants to follow in Kim's exact steps, then she's doing it all wrong. You don't just blatantly sign up for porn. This is how you do it:

1. Stick your nose up the snatch of some trick who is famous for doing nothing (ala Parasite Hilton) and trail behind them as close as possible so the paparazzi doesn't cut you out of the picture.
2. Make an incredibly boring sex tape with some asshole with two first names who is only on TV because of his sister. Oh, and let him go pee pee times on you.
3. Secretly leak the tape onto the internet.
4. Make sure you're at the same salon where Ryan Gaycrest gets his daily highlights done when you break into a flood of fake tears after finding out that thousands of people are watching you lay there like a dead guinea pig while getting boned. Gaycrest will feel sorry for you and give you a reality show on E!.
5. Get so much plastic surgery to the point where it looks like the only human words you know are: "We come in peace."

I'm sure I missed a few steps, but Kim Kardassian will fill that in when she learns that she's a role model to girls and releases a step-by-step slutorial on how to be just like her!

Here's Montana Fishburne and porn star Brian Pumper talking about making her first porn:

At least Montana Fishburne doesn't have to go by something else, because she's already got a perfect porn name. And Montana's future movies will be called: Eat The Cock Anna Mae, Higher Whoring and Ass Action.