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You can either read the boring non-details of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's "intimate and secret" wedding, or you can just skip down below to a video of two kittens falling into the Zzzzzzzs (aka you while reading the boring non-details of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's wedding). You should go through the door marked "SWEEPY KITTEHS." Seriously, go with the kittens. GO! You're on your way to the kittens, right? They are waiting to fall asleep for you. GO!

People Magazine reports that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom got married just a month after announcing their engagement. Miranda issued a statement of words explaining why she recently canceled an appearance she was scheduled to make at David Jones in Australia: "David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together."

Miranda didn't give up anymore details such as if pretty Orlando wore a tiara on his pretty head or if he went with a classic white veil. Miranda also didn't say how long the pretty fetus in her pretty womb has been hanging out in there. Well, your thoughts went there. And if you're reading this that means you didn't go with the kittens. You ignored the kittens! You are a monster! May a kitten never fall asleep in front of you again! Wait. Actually, if you tried to read this post instead of watching the sleepy kittens, you are probably asleep too...like the kittens! Sleep on then!

KITTENS!!! via TDW

When we last left David Boreanaz, he had publicly admitted to passing the peen around behind his wife's back after one of his former side-pieces tried to get money out of him in exchange for her silence. The side-piece's attorney was none other than Gloria Allred, a cheating celebrity's worst fucking nightmare. Well, David and Gloria will whip out their dicks and battle it out once again. And if Gloria's latest client is telling the truth, David won't have a problem with whipping it out.

Actress Kristina Hagan (pictured with David Boringanus above) has dropped a lawsuit in his lap claiming he sexually harassed last August while she was an extra on his show Bones (appropriate show title is appropriate).

In the lawsuit, Kristina says that David first approached her to ask for her headshot and cell number. David told her he was the boss and could make things happen for her. Usually when someone tells you they are the boss and can make things happen for you, it just means they want you to blow into their peen hole while massaging their nutsack. Trust me. I've learned this the hard way. That Best Buy assistant supervisor never got me that discount on a Wii.

In August 2009, David started sending her nasty filthy dirty text messages including a picture of his peen. A month later, Kristina was driving in a car with David when he pulled over and tried to kiss on her. When Kristina refused, he whipped his dick out and did sex to himself until he came. It doesn't stop there! A few weeks later, David once again jacked off in front of Kristina in his trailer. Kristina states that he kept promising her acting roles, but the only thing she received was a nostril full of Eau de Angel Jizz.

Kristina is also suing Fox, because they ignored her when she complained about David.

David's rep says that every part of Kristina's story is false.

The only question I have about this is why the fuck isn't David on House?! They will give you a bonus if you walk around the set with your dick hanging out of your fly. And they will make you Employee of the Year if you jack off into the coffee filters. All of David's kind of people are there!

Okay, I lied, I have a second question. When is Kristina going to leak a HQ picture of David's dong? I have to clear my schedule.

And now I'm going to have "Ooooooooooh" in my head the rest of the night. Popeater brings us the news that Bryan Abrams, a member of Color Me Badd and a former star of my fap away dreams, was arrested in Hawaii on Tuesday after he allegedly tick tocked his wife in the head and then threw her across the room. Mel Gibson doesn't need to climb out of his Jacuzzi to induct Bryan into the Lady Beater Hall of Fame, because he's already a card carrying member. Bryan was busted in Oklahoma City two years ago for beating up his girlfriend and threatening to put her in a coffin right next to his career.

Bryan was in Honolulu for a Color Me Badd show on Sunday night. Police say that Bryan and his wife were having an argument on Tuesday night when his signature shade of BADD turned to WORSE. Bryan was taken down to the police station where this precious mug shot was taken. He was later released and will have to return at a later date to answer to the charges.

The Bryan Abrams of the early 90s had pristine brows that were so sharp that I just wanted to use them to shape my pubic hair into a heart. And now the Bryan Abrams of today is giving us an "Aaaaand what?" face in his mug shot after performing an acoustic version of "I Wanna Beat You Up (The Ike Turner Remix)" on his wife?! You think you know someone after wearing out their cassette single in the early 90s. Well, you don't!

Rabluntzel, Rabluntzel, let down your bong - Concerete Loop

Sophie Monk looks different in the face - Egotastic!

Robert Downey Jr. in costume for his next role as Justin Bieber - Lainey Gossip

The chick who hosted Make Me a Supermodel has a nipple and here it is (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Couldn't Hustler just wait until Lindsay Lohan gets out of jail so she could star in her own porn parody? - The Superficial

AnnaLynne McCord's belly button is giving me a craving for Butterscotch M&Ms - Hollywood Tuna

Katy Perry gently resting on one of Johnny Weir's sugary farts - Popsugar

Xtina's new video needs more latex, milk licking and girl-on-girl kissing - Towleroad

Jennifer Aniston says that she runs 7 days a week. What she means by that is she's always chasing after her cats or potential husbands - Celebitchy

Zachary Quinto can strut that ass with more ease now that he doesn't have hair to slow him down - Just Jared

Tori Spelling eats - I'm Not Obsessed

Buffoonish reporter vs. skater boy - The Chive

THIS IS THE INJUSTICE OF ALL INJUSTICES!!!!!!1!1!!! - OMG Blog

Natalie Portman as a demon ballerina - ICYDK

Jackie Stallone wins every time, obviously - Cityrag

Newport State of Mind - Holy Moly!

Did Christopher Reeve do the Superman pose over a porn star's back? - Hollywood Rag

Here's Jersey Shore's The Situation, the teenage Don Knotts in the middle, and his siblings giving us a variety of eyebrow delicacies in their very own awkward family photo. Turtlenecking like champs!

Source: MTV via Buzzfeed

Noted bagina basher Michael Lohan must temporarily put his "Prayer Circle 4 Lindsay" media tour on hold, because the cunt plug has problems of his own to deal with. Michael's fiance Kate Major went to the police earlier this week after he allegedly Mel Gibson-ed her ass by calling her a cunt before kicking her in the face. The Southampton Police Department in New York has charged Michael with second degree harassment. A judge also threw an Order of Protection at Michael barring him from trying to get at Kate in any way.

In the police report, Kate states that Michael flipped out at her, because he's afraid she's going to leave him: "My fiance Michael Lohan came home while I was sleeping in a sofa chair. He woke me up, yelling, 'Why didn't you pick up your cell phone, you stupid cunt.' He then turned over the chair while I was still in it, tossing me to the floor. I crawled to the other side of the room to get away from him. He walked over to me, took his shoe off and kicked me in my face while I was still on the ground. He stood over me and said, 'I'm going to go back to jail cause of you, cause I will kill you.'"

The cop who took Kate's complaint wrote on the report that she had swelling on her upper lip.

The section 8 Mel Gibson admits to TMZ that he did have a fight with Kate, but he swears on his favorite black tank top that he never brought the violence on her. Michael said that Kate was drunk at the time of the fight.

Lindsay is in a jail room, and Michael Lohan might be headed towards checking into one... Hmm.... There has to be something the cops can nab White Oprah for. Delusioning in the first degree? Running a child famewhore ring? Being mean to ice cream (that has to be illegal)? Assaulting her pores with the diarrhea from a fake tanner bottle?

QUICK! Put Nana Lohan under the light and get her to talk! Actually, Nana Lohan is probably sick of White Oprah stealing her meds, so she'll sing if you give her a caramel square.

When I'm 76 years old, I really hope that I'm on a beach somewhere (or on the front yard of a retirement community....I'm not picky) not giving a for real fuck like Giorgio Armani here.

Who cares if the white ballbushka he's wearing looks like it came directly from Depends resort collection! Who cares if there's a group of kids on the beach plotting to attack him for murdering Harry Potter's parents! Who cares if his torso and chest area looks like a charbroiled trout trying to howl for help! Giorgio Armani certainly doesn't care, and I hope my ass doesn't either when I'm his age.

According to Julianne Hough, Gaycrest is not trying to pretend he's hugging a gigantic erect penis in the picture above. Julianne and Gaycrest having been sharing each other's lip gloss for a couple of months now, and recently she was overheard telling friends that she's not on payroll as his full-time beard.

While at a birthday party at Morton's Steakhouse in North Carolina the other night, 22-year-old Julianne apparently told one of her friends: "He was after me since I was 18 ... he totally wasn't my type ... I thought he was gay. After a few years, he was persistent ... so I went out with him on a date and I realized how much I liked him."

Then Julianne went on to say: "So he's not a dick gobbler, he's a barely legal hunter! Gaycrest...I mean...Straightcrest loves vagina. V-A-G-I-N-A. No, Ryan doesn't call me Derek when I pinch the Seacrest outie on his butt. No, we didn't seal our love with a signature on a contract. No, he didn't write all of this down for me. No, I am not shouting because he told me to talk loud enough for strangers to hear."

And that cackling you hear is coming from Paula Abdul. Somebody tell her to shush her lips with a Vicodin, because we all have to play along!

(Image via Bauer Griffin)

Because Suri's friendship situation is important news, here she is talking to another kid who hasn't been pre-programmed by Tommy Girl (OR HAS SHE?!!!). Suri's new best friend forever plays Stepford Katie's daughter in that Kennedy miniseries for The History Channel. This is Suri's out! Suri is telepathically telling her new friend: "So you know how to drive a 5-speed, right? Meet me in the front in an hour..."

Here's a few more pictures of Stepford Katie running around by herself while the kids laugh at her.

Whatever you do, do not stare directly into Katie's Scientolotoe. EYES UP or we might have to call security later when you start jumping on the yellow sofa.

Maddox Jolie-Pitt sashayed into the child army barracks this morning and declared that their war against the evil doers known The News of the World is now over, because the dark side held up their white flag and surrendered themselves! The twin messiahs burst into tears of joy, which covered the floors in flecks of gold. (They made Pax clean it up).

This past January, the News of the World claimed that the planet would enter into a new Ice Age, because we would not have the love of Brangelina to warm us all. Basically, they reported that St. Angie Jo and Brad Pitt had met with divorce lawyers to divide their $320 million fortune and work out custody agreements for their fifty thousand million chirruns. Brangie sued and they settled in court today. Their lawyer, Themis, issued this statement shortly after their victory:

"When the News of the World failed to publicly retract the allegations and apologize for them – thereby leaving their readers in the dark as to the true position – the couple felt they had no alternative than to sue. Today's victory marks the end of the litigation brought by Brad and Angelina."

Brangelina plan to use the settlement money to start a foundation to benefit tabloid journalists who were recently fired for spreading lies about them. Yes, they are helping the ones who have wronged them so. Can we get a DOUBLE COMPLETE HALO up in this bitch?