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$100 million is reportedly the magic number Tiger Woods will write IN BLOOD on a personal check and hand over to his soon-to-be ex-wife Elin Nordegren as part of their divorce settlement. This is 650 miles away from the $750 million figure people were throwing around recently, but it's still enough cash for Elin to heal her wounds (and possibly any crotch warts Tiger gave her) with. Hopefully, Elin also gets the golf club she used to whoop his SUV so she can hang it in a shadow box over one of her toilets.

Some inside source swears on a pile of Ambiens to TMZ that $100 million is the correct amount and it's much more than she would've collected under the original prenup. They also say that Tiger's net worth is around $500 to $600 million.

Apparently, as part of the deal Elin agreed to not write a tell-all about Tiger's mistress whore ways. This is the saddest news, because I was really hoping that Elin's tell-all would be turned into a Lifetime movie starring Shauna Sand as Elin, Todd Bridges as Tiger, George Takei in drag as Tiger's mom and Trace Cyrus as Rachel Uchitel (Hey, it's my fantasy TV movie).

This really makes me want to call my mom and yell at her for not raising me to be a blonde Swedish nanny with ovaries. That could've been me!

Unsatisfying Update: Wonks was only detained by police, because they thought she was the one smoking up. In fact, she wasn't sucking on a joint. It was someone in her entourage. The police apologized to Wonks (that had to hurt) and they let her go.

Scratch the "good shit" part of that headline. It's called the sad shit when Wonky McValtrex is smoking it, because it has to touch her nasty ass mouth. Poor joint! But anyways, Parasite Hilton was taken away in handcuffs from the Nelson Bay Stadium in South Africa today after she was caught smoking weed during World Cup. The head detective confirmed to Times Live that Wonky was taken to the police station and released a short time later.

Usually when I read about people getting busted with the green on their hands, I smoke a bowl in their honor. But not in this case! This time I'll wrap my arms around an imaginary map of South Africa and thank them for busting that trick ass ho. Now if they'll just do the right thing and feed her to the lions. Actually, the lions don't deserve that. Feed her to Mel Gibson!

Unfortunately, there's no picture to warm our souls of the South African police taking her down to the station so this classic will do for now. Just pretend those are South African police in the front of the car. Now blow your vulvazela (typo and it says) in celebration!

And here's a few pictures of Wonky arriving at the stadium today before getting busted.

Everyone can get off the bar, because Matt Boner just won the wet t-shirt contest - Towleroad

Do the Twihards even excrete a teaspoon of panty cream when they see Ashley Greene in the flesh? - Egotastic!

Wrap a condom over yourselves, South Africa, because Wonky has landed - Lainey Gossip

This is exactly what Betsy Ross was hoping would happen when she created the American flag - Hollywood Tuna

Mister March's eyebrow situation is in check (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I bet even that stuffed beaver won't return Mel Gibson's calls anymore - The Superficial

Marisa Miller wearing Gay Al's favorite Sunday afternoon lawnmowin' ensemble - Popoholic

Gisele Buttchin's baby can already do something I can't - Celebitchy

Every Victoria Beckham designed Range Rover will feature a stick on the seat for you to sit on so you too can have that signature Posh scowl on your face - Hollywood Rag

RiRi Woodpecker kissing on her piece - Just Jared

Amber Rose looking like a background extra from Beverly Hills Teens - ICYDK

When Basement Baby crawls up the stairs and attacks.... - Necole Bitchie

ASkars leaving Kate Bosworth in the dust - Popsugar

Can we get a cocktail waitress to punch Michael Lohan in the mouth hole already? - I'm Not Obsessed

America the beautiful IS RIGHT! - Cityrag

Gold digger extraordinaire and the spokesinestines for IBS, Camille Grammer, filed for divorce from her sugar daddy of 13 years Kelsey Grammer yesterday and both of them have kept their lips shut as to why their relationship flat-lined on the table. But TMZ's sources are pointing their fingers at Kelsey. They say that Kelsey was sick of being chained to the most exquisite angel in the hills and wanted out. The sources say that their already shitty marriage got extra shittier when Kelsey moved to NYC to star on Broadway in La Cage while Camille stayed in L.A. with the kids.

The source explains, "Kelsey loved New York, his friends and his freedom more than his marriage. She doesn't know what Kelsey is doing in New York, but he's made it pretty clear he wants nothing to do with marriage anymore. She didn't see it coming."

The thing that really forced Camille to use her Black AMEX to buy the most expensive divorcin' dress at St. John was when Kelsey didn't call his chirruns on Father's Day.

Fuck Frasier with the Space Needle, right? Who does he think he is not calling his kids on FATHER'S DAY. Not only that, but I'm sure he didn't buy Camille a brand new white Bentley for Father's Day either. And I bet that when HIS Birthday rolled around, he failed to slap her on the wrist with a diamond and ruby tennis bracelet. What a selfish bastard asshole!

Camille had no choice but to legally quit that bitch, because she wasn't going to lounge on her mink-covered chaise while Kelsey dropped pieces of shit all over her. Okay, technically he dropped $50 bills on her, but that's even worse. I mean, he didn't even shower her with $100 bills! HOW CRUEL! I hope Camille eats up everything in Kelsey's savings account and then burps in his face.

It's been a while since we've had a visit from the Glittery Gays of YouTube, so here's a bevy of honey-glazed Twinkies lip dubbing FOR THEIR LIVES and swishing their shit to Katy Perry's "California Gurls."

This was sent to me yesterday with the subject line: "The most glorious and gayest thing you will see all day." It might have been the most glorious, but it certainly wasn't the gayest. I mean, I did get a good look at myself in the mirror while I was wearing a Mother's Cookies t-shirt. So I win, obviously. Sorry, California Gays.

via Queerty (Thanks Rick)

No, not Tom Sturridge or RPattz. The dandy dandelion in the middle who is making RPattz's magical follicles feel inadequate (Why do you think he's wearing a hat?) has been cast in the title role in Sony's reboot of the Spider-Man franchise. Sony announced last night that 26-year-old Andrew Garfield will stuff his bits into Tobey Maguire's old leotard for the next Spider-Man 3D movie, which will start playing in theaters on July 3, 2012. HA! Like we'll all be around then.

Sony reportedly broke up with Tobey and Kiki Dunst, because they didn't want to leave a giant stack of cash on their nightstands anymore. So Sony decided to put out a totally brand new set of Spider-Man movies with a cheaper cast led by the fancy lion up there. Marc Webb, the director of this shit, had this to say about Andrew:

"Though his name may be new to many, those who know this young actor's work understand his extraordinary talents. He has a rare combination of intelligence, wit, and humanity. Mark my words, you will love Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker."

Andrew's credits include The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Lion for Lambs, Boy A and The Social Network.

Unfortunately for all of us, that picture of Andrew is kind of old so he no longer has a luscious mane that makes him look like a European hair dresser who drives a 1980s Ferrari convertible and sleeps on a waterbed covered with satin leopard print sheets.

That Spidey shit doesn't shoot until December so that gives Andrew enough time to grow his lush waterfall of hair out again, because the world needs a Spider-Man who looks like he just stepped out of a salon (salon glooooooow).

via Coming Soon

NOT CHRISTINA HENDRICKS TOOOOOOOOO!!!! Christina tells Stylist about the time she went from blonde to ginge which made her pole vault with happiness over the you know fucking what:

"I was obsessed with the Canadian novel 'Anne of Green Gables.' So my mother said, 'Let's just go to the drugstore and get one of those cover-the-gray rinses!' My hair was very blond at the time, but it went carrot red. And I was over the moon."

Thanks to her magnificent chichis, Christina Hendricks is ALWAYS over two beautiful moons, so it goes without saying (Seriously, stop saying it, Christina).

(Thanks Kristen)

Speaking of getting punched, the man with a face who makes fists everywhere start up their engines has announced that he has found a real-life human being that has agreed to marry him. Correction: A real-life human being that has agreed to enter into a domestic partnership agreement with him. And Joe didn't even have to roofie her Bacardi Breezer to get her to agree to it! I think.

Joe tells Page Six that he is engaged to CBS entertainment reporter Christina McLarty. Joe and Christina have been dating on-and-off for the past four years. Joe didn't fart out a date, but he says they will be planning their domestic partnership ceremony this weekend. You know Christina is going to wear a dress made out of Girls Gone Wild t-shirts and will arrive at the venue in a GGW carriage drawn by horses with protruding nipples. Instead of throwing petals, the flower girl will just pull her shirt up and down as she skips down the aisle.

Joe also explained to Page Six why they decided to have a domestic partnership instead of a marriage:

"We have chosen to have a civil domestic partnership because we don't believe it's appropriate to be married until our gay and lesbian friends are afforded the same rights as us to legally marry in the United States."

You already know that I'm a jaded and bitter bitch, so it shouldn't surprise you when I say: JOE STOP! This douchebag asshole really wants me to believe that he's standing up for the gays and gayelles of America?! Yes, let's just put his fug mug on the pride flag and give him the key to Oz. Joe is just using the "I care about the gays" excuse to get out of getting married. Well played, Joe.

And I can come up with about a thousand reasons for why someone would fist Lindsay Lohan in the mug. But anythatfistshouldgetanobelpeaceprize, while everyone in the club cheered and threw a parade for the Mike Tyson of waitresses, Lindsay Lohan Tweeted this message above. A message that might fill your body with endorphins and cause you to send a bouquet of thank you balloons to a waitress you never met! You can sign my name on the card too. I'll give you a ten later.

Early this morning at Voyeur in L.A., Lindsay was sitting at a private booth softly serenading a bottle of Jack Daniels with her acoustic version of Klymaxx's "I Miss You", when a cocktail waitress (who was acting on behalf of the people of the world) delivered an unannounced whooping to her trick face.

Blohan Tweeted that she has no idea why Carvel's future mascot would do such a thing. But Usweekly does! Their source has the story: "The waitress has a history with Doug Reinhardt, and Lohan was hanging out with him. She was jealous, and out of nowhere, the waitress punched her in the face! Doug didn't want any part of it and went to the other side of the booth. Lohan ran out. Lohan went to a party at the nearby Rockstar House -- and ran into the waitress again! Lohan showed up and cried because the waitress was there as well. Some birthday."

So Lindsay Lohan not only got a surprise blow to the face, but it was over a frozen burrito heir who is famous for sucking the crotch crustaceans out of Wonky McValtrex?!

Just when you're about to throw up your hands and shout "FUCK MY LIFE," remember that things could always be worse. You could be Lindsay Lohan.

But you know, Lilo is going to get the last snort! Bitch is probably at the free clinic right now telling them that she's going to need something stiff to soothe the pain in her face from getting punched. Leave it to Lilo to turn a humiliating experience into VICODIN!

Here's a few pictures of Lilo pre-punch (in that denim shit) and post-punch (in the car).