Vh1 has announced the cast for Dr. Drew's Hour of Crackheaded Foolery and it looks like season four will be filled with zero celebrities and zero rehab, but a whole lot of potent fuckery to the tenth degree! And you can trust me when I say that most of the fuckery will be flowing out of the lemur goblin known as Frankie Lons.
Everything you need to know about Frankie can be found here. Dr. Drew better tighten his tie, because Frankie will be swinging around that shit like it was a stripper pole by episode two! I also can't wait for the episode when Dr. Drew finds out what happens when you feed Frankie after dark.
Even though Celebrity Rehab can shoot an entire season with just Frankie, she will have some company. Sadly, the Empress of Lucite is not in the cast, but this is for the best. Shauna really doesn't want to break the hearts of a bunch of crackheads when they fall in love with her at first sight, which they will. Shauna cares too much to put someone through that.
Frankie's supporting cast will include: Janice Dickinson, Jason "They Forced Me To Smoke Crack" London, Gummi Bear, Jason Wahler from Laguna Beach, Leif Garrett and Tiger Woods' #1 mistress whore Rachel Uchitel.
Yes, Janice and Frankie in the same house together. This is probably not going to end well. A few weeks into shooting, the police will receive a 911 call from the clinic. The cops will arrive at the clinic and find it completely empty except for a camcorder on the floor. When they push play on the camcorder, they'll see Dr. Drew facing a corner with his back to them. Then they will hear Janice and Frankie cackling together before the tape goes to black. Blair Witch doesn't have shit on Frankie or Janice.
(Frankie's beautiful portrait via FreddYo)
You might want to swallow a Pepcid before watching this mess, or it might leave you with a serious Asian glow. This is the cast reel for K-Town, the Asian-American version of Jersey Shore, that is currently making the rounds to the networks. The pilot, which was produced by Tyrese, was shot in and around Los Angeles' Koreatown last weekend.
This pretty much looks like Jersey Shore with kimchi instead of orange skin. There's an Asian version of Snooks, JWoww, The Situation and Pauly D. Although, K-Town is showing Jersey Shore up, because their Situation is a soft core porn star who can break a grenade in two with his abs.
Here you were thinking that all Asians spend their nights doing math problems for fun and only leave the house to drive their Honda Accord to the 99 Ranch Market to buy bubble tea. Nope, Asians get fucked up and embarrass themselves just like everybody else (Guilty!!).
Blame Alex Trebek for this. Zsa Zsa Gabor's rep tells E! news that the 93-year-old icon of glamour has been hospitalized after she broke at least one bone during a fall at her Bel Air home last night. Zsa Zsa was watching her favorite show Jeopardy when she fell out of her bed while trying to answer the phone (you know her phone looks like this).
The answer is: Picking up a telephone.
The question is: What a refined lady of class like Zsa Zsa Gabor should not be doing, Alex.
Zsa Zsa's husband Prince von Anhalt told CNN that she broke a hip during the fall. Zsa Zsa is currently listed in serious condition at UCLA Medical Center, but her publicist said that she's still laughing and making jokes. Her publicist also said that she's pretty much been bedridden and wheelchair bound for the past 8 years because of a car accident and a stroke.
I posted this picture of Zsa Zsa with Betty White, because Betty is the cure for everything. Here's hoping Zsa Zsa will be back to slapping tricks like a dignitary in no time.
If you ever ask Cristiano Ronaldo who the mother of his love child is, he'll pull out his tube of MAC Lip Glass and seal the secret of her identity in his precious mouth forever. Crispy isn't saying shit, but the Daily Mirror is! They claim that Crispy's baby mama is a broke ass American waitress who got knocked up after a one-night fuck with him. Actually, she WAS a broke ass American waitress, because apparently Crispy gave her $15 million to give him their son before going away FOREVER.
Becoming a cocktail waitress who fucks celebrities has officially become the new American dream! Parents and school guidance counselors should adjust their lessons accordingly.
A friend of Crispy's says that his son was conceived in Los Angeles last summer. The friend also gave the truly romantic details of the magical night Crispy spread his charm all over the future mother of his child. May the theme from the Thorn Birds fill your head as you read this:
“Ronni looked the girl in the eye and said extremely directly: ‘Me, you, f*** f***.’
“She was taken aback and just said: ‘What!’ She didn’t actually understand what he meant. She was totally nonplussed
“The window by his table was steamed up, so he drew a love heart on it with his finger. Then he said, ‘Me, you, kiss,’ and the penny dropped.
“That’s typical Ronni – he pretends his English is terrible when it suits him, and he comes straight to the point. It was just yet another one-night stand and Ronnie assumed he would never see her again.”
"Me, you, fuck fuck" is my new pick-up line. Crispy has the right idea. We need to all go back to the cave man days when shit was simple. When a bitch sees a hot piece they want to break off, they should just hobble up to that ho and grunt "ME, YOU, FUCK FUCK" before clubbing them over the head with a dildo to drag them up to their tree house. Caveman love is the truest!
A couple of months after Crispy seduced the trick as though they were starring in the porn version of Tarzan and Jane, she found out she was pregnant. The saga continues:
It was agreed that Ronaldo would give DNA for a paternity test once the baby was born and provide support for the mother and child if it proved to be his.The friend revealed: “Cristiano was told the result while he was away at the World Cup.”
And then Dolores stepped in. The friend said: “Ronni is a multi-millionaire playboy, but when it comes to family, he’s very much his mother’s son.
“They are a close-knit, traditional Roman Catholic family and the minute paternity was established there was absolutely no doubt that Ronni would be doing the right thing.
What in the hell kind of GD Roman Catholic is Dolores? Any self-respecting strict Roman Catholic mother would force the couple to marry in a church wedding! Then they would all hide the baby for the next 9 months while the American waitress pretended to be pregnant. After her fake birth, they'd present the 9-month-old baby as a newborn and explain that he's bigger than normal due to a thyroid problem or something. How does Dolores not know this?! Doesn't she watch telenovelas (aka daily mass)?! My abuelita is throwing her a "Ay Dios Mio" side-eye of judgment as I type this.
I must have missed that scene in Labyrinth where a fiery prince with hair like a volcano's luscious vagina bush tries to charm one of King Jareth's goblin minions. But here's Prince Hot Ginge and Ronnie Wood recreating that scene for us at the Asprey World Cup in Ewhurst, England yesterday afternoon. Ronnie jumped off from his usual spot (sitting on top a third grader's pencil circa 1987) and snatched his Brazilian girlfriend from her crib to watch Prince Hot Ginge in action.
And while Ronnie was thinking about how he'd love to suck the dreams out of Prince Hot Ginge's head in the middle of the night, everybody else was probably focused on the satchels of gold (Yes, this is what Kelly Bensimon meant) in PHG's pants. I want to go to there. Oh wait, I should translate that into British talk: I want to go to there, guv'na!
It's okay to stare at PHG's royal jewels as long as you curtsy before it and only address it as "Your Royal Bulgeness..." And if you'll excuse me, I have to go stick my no-no over a bottle of smelling salts.
This is the man who Jennifer Aniston makes her Cabbage Patch babies send a Father's Day card to every year, because he invented them! Xavier Roberts is the creator and manufacturer of the CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS! That's his signature on all of their nalgas.
In the late 1970s, Xavier created the Little People dolls which he eventually produced and sold at a converted medical clinic in Cleveland he called the Babyland General Hospital. The Little People dolls evolved into the Cabbage Patch Dolls and they hit the world in the early 80s. Wiki says that by 1999, 95 million dolls have been sold worldwide.
One of those 95 million dolls was owned by me, but Cabbage Patch Doll Protective Services should've taken him away from me early on. I buried him in the backyard, I threw him on the roof a couple of times, I ran over his head with my Big Wheel, I cut all his yarn hair off and I eventually lost him somewhere. My guess is that he turned to a life of crime and ended up in prison where he vowed to seek revenge on me while lifting weights in the yard all day. He's probably on a bus right now to pay me a visit. I deserve it. Anyways, back to Xavier!
Xavier just might be the RPattz of the doll collecting world. Bitches are serious about him. On Flickr, there's several pictures of collectors who have his signature autographed somewhere on their body. This guy and (Warning: Hairy ass cheeks ahead) this ho knows what I'm talking about.
Image via Pegasus57's Flickr (For Lahoma)
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