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You know Tommy Girl can gets an extra warm tingle in his taint when he watches Katie Holmes in full Stepford drag washing his daisy chains and anal beads in soapy water like the perfect little homemaker. But that's not why Stepford Katie looks like this. Katie is playing Jackie O in a new History Channel mini-series on the Kennedy family. Go ahead and scream out the window "Jackie OHFUCKNOOOOOOOOOOO" while I wait here.

Personally, I'd rather see a movie with Suri Cruise as Jackie O. This will never happen, though. Suri has it in her life contract with Tommy that she is to never EVER walk more than 5 steps a day. I'm with Suri. Walking is really fucking annoying.

The Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena, CA has announced that they are replacing Raphael's Madonna and Child with this picture of Cuban superstar Niurka Marcos and her son at the Univision Awards in Miami last night. Sorry, Mary, Jesus and Raphael, you'll have to find something else you're good at, because the changing of the guard has started right now!

I don't know shit about Niurka, but that doesn't matter. We don't need to exchange information. Words are cheap when you're faced with beauty that is this luxuriously expensive. Although, I think most of what she's wearing was bought using a payment plan. Whatever! All I need to know is that she (?) is perfection from the top of her (??) head to the remarkable anus of a transsexual angel on her belly to the wholesale rhinestones on her acrylic claws to the Casper's tail tattoo....and beyond.

It's as if Chyna crawled up into Daryl Hannah's vagina and took over her body. Niurka's son is the luckiest boy in the world, because he has a devoted mother that is teaching him about tasteful elegance at such a young age.

Charlotte Church's estranged husband is getting over the agony of their split by humping a football. Works for me. - Just Jared

Like a giant crusty loogie hawked up in your eye: Katherine Heeeeiggggl as Stephanie Plum - Lainey Gossip

Gui-do something! - Popeater

That girl who humped on Justin Timberlake once and is now motorboating Channing Tatum is in a bikini - Egotastic!

Paul Rudd needs a housecoat and a plastic shower cap to complete the look - Towleroad

Wet chonies brought to you by Katy Perry - The Superficial

Geena Lee Nolin still exists - Hollywood Tuna

I'm convinced that the only thing Rachel Bilson does all day is walk from her house to her car, drive around the block, walk back to her house and repeat 10-minutes later (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

This is what it looks like when your childhood barfs - The Chive

But where are the secretly recorded tapes of Melissa Etheridge calling Tammy Lynn Michaels a gold digging whore who needs to eat her? - Celebitchy

The pretty Asian girl from The Real World: San Diego got a new job! - Popoholic

In case you're wearing a long sleeve shirt and can't see the tattoo of a shirtless Taylor Lautner on your arm, here's a picture of a shirtless Taylor Lautner - Popsugar

JLove wearing someone's kitchen back splash as a dress - ICYDK

Masturbation Theater presents Stephen Dorff - Hollywood Rag

Here is a picture of Anderson Cooper and me - Cityrag

DAMN! Burger King ain't that good - Crunk + Disorderly

Amy Adams as Janis Joplin?!! - I'm Not Obsessed

Right before Katie Price performed her new single (which has already been listed as a torture device by the U.N.) on GMTV today, she admitted that she can't dance or sing live. So if she knows that she has the dance skills of a plastic stripper doll with low batteries and a singing voice that could be classified as a terrorist threat, then what is the point of performing at all?! AND Katie can't even lip-synch right. Deaf toads with cotton mouth lip synch better than her ass!

Katie is well aware that she's causing harm to all of us, and yet she does it anyway! That is premeditated assault with intent to kill! LOCK THE BITCH UP! But before you do that, free that hairy jacket on her body first. Somewhere there's a nekkid ass gorilla who is thisclose to catching hypothermia. You WILL be hearing from the Dian Fossey Foundation, Katie!

via Holy Moly!

Someone had to do it, I guess. But please tell me the proceeds from the sale of this t-shirt are going to the Anti-Defamation League, the NAACP, the NCADV, and the "Buy Mel Gibson A Fucking Blow Job Already" Fund.

Pull out the biggest box of Kleenex you can find, because you're going to need it. And not because The-Dream's statement will make you cry a river full of sympathy tears for him. No, you're going to need all those tissues to make a giant "BITCH PLEASE" sign to put in your front yard for The-Dream to see when he rides by in his waaaaaaaaahmbulance.

Earlier this week, The-Dream announced he was separating from his wife and baby mama Christina Milian after pictures of him rubbing guts with his side-piece crashed onto the internet. The-Dream is now passing around a basket to collect your sympathy. He wrote this open letter on his website:

First I want to thank God for the trials of life, without them we can't know purpose!

I would love to tell the truth as to why my relationship wasn't successful, but today that is between me and Christina. Its easy to say that it’s because of another woman or a new relationship but truthfully, IT’S NOT.

I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for misleading everyone into thinking everything was fine and okay when we knew problems existed for awhile! I wanted to speak up but we decided it wasn't for anyone to know. I would NEVER intentionally hurt a soul and everyone around me knows that! There was so much going on in me and Christina's personal world that I tried to deal with it as delicately as I could and tried to regain my footing. Instead of being direct in order not to cause even more hurt or hurt someone's feelings, I carried the weight in secret (Ed note: We can see that)!

I am Human and people fall in and out of Love all the time... This is Life. Nothing’s promised or perfect, neither am I. I am not proud that I lost something we once had...LOVE! I've always been a Loving Father, Hard Worker, Generous, Stern and Eager to prove myself. My faults are I can be irresponsible and an ass sometimes, but I HAVE NEVER and WILL NEVER be a malicious person or wish harm to anyone, especially those I love or the mother of my child. I'm sorry for the embarrassment to everyone involved! If there's anyone to blame and you can't fathom this happening, please blame me and me alone for not being upfront! Even though we were trying to overcome personal things between us, I was just simply scared and embarrassed to let everyone know we WERE FAILING and HAVE NOW FAILED!

This is not to justify anything, it’s true emotion! It’s a real thing that involves real people! I've cried about this for months, after interviews, after prayer and I've tried to take my own life at a point because of the failure that was looming.

But I was reminded by my MOTHER that I am not "Superman" and its okay to lose sometimes...

This too shall pass! And everything will be fine!

~ Terius Nash ~

Yes, it's obvious he cried for months. He cried into his palms and then smeared his tears all over his peen before sticking it in his piece. When The-Dream just couldn't take it anymore, he tried to smother himself to death in another woman's titties. When that made him stiff in the dick, instead of stiff in the body, he tried to off himself again by sucking on her coochie without coming up for air. So every ounce of sympathy (SPOILER ALERT: None) I have in my body goes to you, The-Dream.

via Necole Bitchie

Tiger Woods' most expensive trick Rachel Uchitel isn't going to just take her $10 million and quietly retire to whore island forever. No, you can spray a can of Raid at her all you want, but Rachel isn't going to slither away that easily. Apparently, fellow whore Donald Trump has invited Rachel to join the cast of next season's Celebrity Apprentice. Rachel tells TMZ that she is absolutely going to give him a hand job and a culo tickle as a thank you take him up on his offer. It's not a done deal, because NBC still has to approve this mess.

In possibly related news, Tivo just announced that they will ship complimentary latex covers to all their customers.

You know, this isn't such a bad idea, but Donald Trump should stick it all the way in. Not just the tip. It's about time that show casts some authentic whore pit vipers (no offense to Annie Duke). Donald should also get Boobshit McGee, Mike Jones, Jaimee Grubbs, Ashley Dupre, etc.. etc... If you're going to bring ho shit into it, REALLY bring ho shit into it.

Ed Westwick doesn't need a man slave following him around with a rainbow umbrella, because he's the one who's throwing the shade.

Here's the honey glazed catfish that is Ed Westwick struttin' that ass upstream while giving me all sorts of "gay Italian gigolo on the stroll" fever. Hopefully, this picture will serve as an inspiration for the chamber music version of Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" as performed by the Gay Men's Chorus of NYC.

Radar Online has given your ear holes the day off from getting fucked without lube by Mel Gibson's voice, but they're going after your eye balls instead. Radar posted a picture of Oksana Grigorieva taken shortly after Mel Gibson allegedly punched her in the eyes and mouth while she was holding their baby. The picture is here if you need to see it. With the giant ass pink Radar over it, you can't really see any bruises on her face, but there's a clear view of OctoSana's broken teefs.

The picture has been turned over to the L.A. County Sheriff's department as evidence in their domestic abuse case against Blow Mel. OctoSana told the police that she lost a veneer and her front tooth got messed up something bad. OctoSana's dentist told police that he believes her broken teefs were caused by severe blunt force trauma. BUT (There's always one of those)....

TMZ's source is spitting up a different story. Their "law enforcement source" (It helped me to picture this dude as their law enforcement source) thinks something in the holy water ain't clean about the pictures and video of OctoSana's injuries. One source said that there's really no evidence that she was hit in the face. To them, it doesn't look like there was any damage to her soft tissue and her teeth remained intact. They said that one veneer was knocked out and another one was severely chipped. One expert believes that OctoSana might have done it to herself. SANTO DIOS!

Mel is crazier than a pack of rabid possums on a 5150 hold, so I totally believe that he's capable of bringing the passion of his fist onto anybody who goes into the Jacuzzi without him or refuses to blow him with a smile. Even thinking of blowing Mel makes my teeth hurt. And would OctoSana really pull some Taylor from Melrose Place shit by hitting herself with the door and then blaming it on Mel? Before you ponder that, let's give ourselves a brain cleanse.

Here's a kitten wrestling a watermelon:

via Buzzfeed

This is why I only trust a team of professional master doms to strap me into a harness. Pink has been doing Cirque dude Soleil shit in her shows for years, so it was only a matter of time before one of those stunts put her ass in the hospital. During a concert in Germany last night, Pink's bumbling ass dancers failed to secure her in a harness correctly and she went flying directly into a barricade. You can hear Pink screaming "NO NO" like me when the free clinic technician asks me where I'm bleeding from. The BOOM is at the 0:45 mark in the video below:

Since nothing soothes a bruise like a bunch of curse words, Pink hurled a "motherfucker" or two before being shuffled off to the hospital. The show was cut short and everyone was told to go home. Pink later apologized and her Twatter and said that she's going to be fine:

To all my nurnberg fans- I am so so so sorry to end the show that way.I am embarassed and very sorry. I'm in ambulance now but I will b fine
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter

@PinkFacts didn't get clipped in2 harness correctly,drug me off stage, fell in2 barricade. Getting xrays.I hope it at least looked cool!!!
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter in reply to PinkFacts

Ok all my lovers out there- nothings broken, no fluid in the lungs, just seriously sore. I made that barricade my b*tch!!!! Thanx nurnberg:(
about 15 hours ago via UberTwitter

More like the harness made Pink its bitch. Seriously, you can't trust two bitches in tutus to do a master dom's job!