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Same old story, different name. This D lister just lost her only gig she had in the works that kept her name relevant. She is now desperate to keep her name in the press. She will be releasing a sex tape soon. Of course, she won’t do it, it will just accidentally happen. Not Stephanie Pratt. (BuzzFoto)

Chicken Cutlets, you nasty little finger-lickin' slut! NO! This is obviously Heidi Montag (?). But the sex tape won't actually feature her. She'll just film a blow-up doll humping a pile of old white dog poo. Instant Speidi sex tape! No one will question it.

This married B list actor on a hit network crime drama was filming on location. Most of the day he had been just sitting in his trailer doing meth, when he spotted an overnight delivery truck. When the driver got out, our actor got in and drove it for about three blocks at about 5 m.p.h. The entire three blocks, the driver was running along side banging on the door until he got the actor to stop. When the driver recognized the actor, he decided not to call the cops and even drove the actor back to the set. (CDAN)

This probably isn't Christopher Meloni, but I do like picturing him going "weeeeeeee" out the door of a UPS truck, so I'll go with him.

The celebrity ex-boyfriend of this former A list television actress and now unemployed B lister has been spreading tales about their sex life. #1. Only sex under the covers and in bed. #2. Only at night or with the lights out and curtains closed in the bedroom. #3. No sooner than one hour after eating. #4. He had to turn his phone off, but she was allowed to leave hers on and to answer calls during sex. #5. No talking during sex. #6. Only certain music was allowed but he was allowed to choose between the four or five offerings. #7. No sex on consecutive days. (CDAN)

I can picture this list next to Jennifer Love Hewitt's vajazzling kit on her night stand, so I think it's her and Jamie Kennedy? And I bet one of the five fuck-worthy songs she approves of is this shit

Which eccentric comic had ‘em rolling in the aisles — at an AA meeting in NYC? He stepped up to the mic to talk about his recovery and ended up doing a standup routine. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Why none other than Russell Brand, of course. EXHIBIT: A to Z

This aging big-time rock star, has found himself a new love. It’s the son of his PR assistant and the boy just turned 18 only a few months before the relationship started! Wonder what the star’s recent ex-wife thinks of this. Not Paul McCartney. (BuzzFoto)

Nobody wants their imagination to paint the horrific image of Ronnie Wood licking on boy ass, so let's guess this is Billy Joel. Oh fuck, nobody wants to paint the horrific image of Billy Joel licking on boy ass either. Is there a door #3?

Okay, not really.... But last month, gold diggers all over the world gathered together and formed a circle around a Elin Nordegren statue (made out of recycled fire extinguishers, old Ambien bottles and golf clubs) after reading that she was about to receive one of the biggest divorce settlements in the history of forever.

The rumor was that Elin will soon collect almost $750 million from Tiger. The rumor was barfed up again earlier this week. However, TMZ is grabbing every aspiring gold digger's boner and trying to break it by saying Elin isn't getting $750 million.

Their sources say that Tiger Woods' entire fortune isn't even worth $750 million, so it doesn't make sense that Elin would get that much. They wouldn't spit up the exact amount, but they did say that she's getting a lot more than she would have under the prenup. Tiger and Elin are expected to file for divorce any day now.

Tiger is a selfish bastard. He should give everything to Elin, because she's earned it (not really, but gold diggers ride together 4 life). All he needs is a bed to lay his hos on (or a newspaper in an alley way in most cases) and a blank prescription pad!

This edition of "When Your Broke Down Wax Figure Looks More Real Than You" is brought to you by Kim Kardassian - Hollywood Rag

Happy Canada Day from Brandon Walsh! - Lainey Gossip

Well, at least Miley Cyrus is wearing a bra - Egotastic!

From the Museum of WTF - The Superficial

The prequel to Snakes on a Plane - Towleroad

Elle Macpherson is hot - Celebitchy

Mischa Barton must be working part-time as Sophie Monk's stylist - Hollywood Tuna

Hopefully, Adrien Brody's time in January lasts less than 31 days (GONG, I know) - Popsugar

Eff Monica Bellucci, who is that piece behind her ass? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Dear Kate Gosselin, read my key strokes: You're full of shit...and Botox - Just Jared

The Take No Shit Dog is back - Cityrag

The only thing Kerry Katona needs to truly apologize for is that peroxide cacaness on her head - Holy Moly!

Dean McDermott fucked up his lung - I'm Not Obsessed

Vanilla Gorilla wants Sandy B back - ICYDK

Fantasia's raw emotion almost tears her Spanx off - Crunk + Disorderly

Camille Donatacci Grammer, the Club MTV dancer who became one of my gold digging heroes when she married Kelsey Grammer 13 years ago, has filed for divorce today. TMZ reports that the irritable bowel syndrome spokeswoman (she really is) wants primary custody of their two kids as well as child and spousal support. Camille blamed the overused "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why she's shitting out their marriage. Hey, at least she's shitting out something.

This is actually kind of surprising. Camille escorted Kelsey to the Tony Awards a couple of weeks ago (above) and I've never heard any rumors of their marriage being in the toilet. Camille always struck me as a gold digger who is in it for the long haul. You know, the classy kind of gold digger who would rather bring her wheelbarrow to the reading of a will instead of divorce court.

Oh well. If there's a prenup, hopefully Camille melted it down and injected it into her lips so that she can collect as much gold as possible. Nobody wants to live in a world where Camille Grammer isn't always covered in fresh diamonds. The sun will refuse to shine.

And Camille is one of The Real Plastic Housewives of Beverly Hills, so I'm sure we'll see all of this mess go down in front of the cameras.

It's Sugar Tits: The Sequel! Radar Online claims to have heard an audio tape of Mel Gibson ranting in an UGODLY way about the way Oksana Grigorieva dresses. OctoSana secretly recorded Mel's KKK-approved freakout at the end of their relationship. OctoSana submitted the tapes to the court to prove that Mel is a violent bag of anger who is capable of physically hurting her. Mel and OctoSana both have restraining orders against each other.

Here's a few of the quotes Mel allegedly launched at OctoSana during their fights. John Mayer's white supremacist dick just winked at Mel in approval:

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice."

"I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first."

"Look what you did to me... look what you are... look what every part of you is... fucking fake... fucking fake. You are the most synthetic person... who the fuck are you?"

Blow me before I burn your house down? HA. The truth is, if I sucked Mel Gibson's dick, I'd want to burn myself down afterwards so he can give me the box of matches.

And if this is true then the bus driver needs to stop at the next corner, because Mel Gibson will be getting off and he won't be getting back on.

What's the first thing you think of when you think of Liza Minnelli? Okay, I know you think of a Percocet drip, but what do you think of after that? SEQUINS, right? SEQUINS! And Liza was selling a whole lot of sequins on the televised swap meet of foolery that is HSN last night. Thankfully, Rich at Four Four compiled all of Liza and Bobbi Ray Carter's (who is a glamorous mess all by herself) greatest moments in a tiny little pill for you to swallow with a white wine spritzer.

Not only is Liza giving the middle-aged beauties something to wear to their office holiday party this December, but she's also teaching us the art of subtle seduction. Example at the 2:55 mark: "When you're in the middle of a conversation...just drop it." And by "it" she means a shawl and not her eyelids along with the rest of her body.

HSN should change their name to LMN, because we need Liza all the time.

Daryl Hannah is pulling some Nicole Kidman shit by denying she's ever had plastic surgery....as the silicone cutlet in her cheek slowly starts to shift (the cheek implant version of a side-eye). Daryl is not only shaking her head "no" at the rumor that she's been intimate with a plastic surgeon's scalpel, but she's also throwing shade at those who have. In an interview with Britain's You Magazine (via Celebitchy), Daryl says that she has lost roles from whores claiming that she has 5 o'clock Wildenstein face. Daryl said:

"There are so many people in LA who have had cosmetic surgery and they all look like Muppets she says, firmly. There was a picture taken a while ago of me emerging from the ocean, with my hair slicked back and no make-up on. I looked as though I had puffy, squinty eyes and the rumor went round I’d had work done; I lost jobs because of it and I thought about suing, but in the States you have to prove malicious intent.

I’ve got a little jowly, and sometimes I look in the mirror and think, 'Oh my God', but I am too much of a coward to go under a surgeon’s knife for something that wasn’t life-saving. I’ve had knee and elbow operations, and I’ve broken my back three times, riding and performing movie stunts, and that gives you an appreciation of your body. I lost the top of my finger playing on my grandma’s mobility stair lift. It was terrifying, but could have been so much worse – and it has bestowed on me an ability to be a more compassionate person."

When you open your mouth and people expect Wayland Flowers' voice to come out, maybe you shouldn't hate on people who look like Muppets.

But in Daryl's defense, the interviewer didn't ask her if she used Botox. So maybe she is telling the truth and the reason why she looks different now is because her face is stuffed with enough liquid crap to fill a dozen of Kevin Costner's machines.

Everybody masturbate into a tub of popcorn while screaming REAL LOOOOOOUUUUD, because Pee-Wee Herman is cumming back to movie theaters. And this time he's going to keep his mecca hiney ho in his pants. I think.

Judd Apatow (the dude who directed Knocked Up & The 40-Year-Old Virgin) tells Variety that he is producing a brand new Pee-Wee movie which will be co-written by Paul Reubens and Paul Rust. Judd said, "Let's face it, the world needs more Pee-wee Herman. I am so excited to be working with Paul Reubens -- who is an extraordinary and ground-breaking actor and writer. It's so great to watch him return with such relevance."

Judd approached Paul Reubens about the idea of a new movie after watching his sold-out Pee-Wee stage show in Los Angeles.

So this means that we're also getting the triumphant return of Miss Yvonne, Dottie and Hermit Hattie! Are you taking notes Paul Squared, because these three bitches need to be in that shit.

And just for record keeping purposes, here's a portrait of Miss Yvonne today. Don't act like you don't want to see her in IMAX 3D.

When Chris Brown broke down in a theatrical hurricane of melodramatic emotions at the end of his Michael Jackson tribute at the BET Awards this past Sunday, some accused his ass of faking that mess for sympathy. They felt that Chris was manipulating bitches into forgetting how his fist made Alien Princess RiRi cry by crying tears himself. And now a source tells UsWeekly that Chris' eye jizz of redemption was completely manufactured.

The backstage source claims that right before Chris Brown went out on stage, his bodyguard handed him a bottle of tear-inducing eye drops. The source adds, "He rubbed it in and he started crying."

Chris denies this and his spokesbitch says that he "was moved by the opportunity to pay tribute to his idol." Um. Okay, but by ruining the song with his damn crying Chris was really paying tribute to himself. That was served with a severe Joe Jackson shank eye.

Do I believe that Chris would actually fake that shit? Sure. Do I think it matters if he did? Not really. Those who ate up his tears with a spork were probably already rooting for him before the performance. I don't think it really changed anything. But if Chris was faking it, why did he need a bottle of glycerin? All he had to do was stare at Prince in the front row for a few seconds. Prince's precious beauty and sweet sweet pucker brings us all to tears.