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No wonder Cougays always smell like naranjas and corn syrup - Towleroad

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is going to get free Benihana for life! - Lainey Gossip

There are so many different uses for the anti-rape condom! Somebody should put it on Jim Bob Duggar so he can stop making babies - POZ

Why does it bother me that Kelly Brook's panties clash with her dress? - Egotastic!

RPattz needs to stop being so dramatic! I have responsibility to Jack Daniels and my bong - The Superficial

What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Jessica Simpson wearing? - Hollywood Tuna

Jade Jagger's titty makes an unscheduled appearance (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Some drunktard heckled at Amy Wino and she didn't bite his nose off? What planet is this?! - Celebitchy

That lady is laughing at you, Kristen Stewart - Popoholic

Random fuck buddies: Matthew Morrison & Kelly Brook - Just Jared

RPattz and an elephant. That is all. - Popsugar

Screw Blohan! Who is that hot piece in front of her? - I'm Not Obsessed

Alien nips galore - Cityrag

The facial emotions Tommy Girl goes through when he sees a penis - SOW

Which NFL crotch is Kim Kardassian rubbing her alien face in this week? - ICYDK

Click here if you can't see the chonie party above.

via Buzzfeed

The Hollywood Reporter brings us the highly important news that international superstars (Just pretend we're back in the 80s! Life is more fun that way!) Tiffany and Debbie Gibson will battle it out in the Syfy original Saturday night movie Mega Python vs. Gatoroid! ! Debbie will play a dumb bitch animal-rights activist who releases illegally imported snakes into the wild where they grow into mega sizes. Tiffany will play a park ranger who is trying to save the endangered alligators from the mega snakes. Of course, it takes place in Florida. And I really hope that New Kids on the Block catering sign makes a cameo.

Debbie has previously starred in the Syfy movie Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and Tiffany was in Mega Piranha. One of the executives at Syfy promises that there will a scene where the two brawl in a party and take it to the swamp. Unfortunately, the executive didn't promise a scene where the two dance-off to a mega mix of "I Think We're Alone Now (Except For That Mega Python Who Keeps Giving Us Eyes)" and "Out of the Blue....Comes A Gatoroid To Eat Us".

Debbie Gibson + Tiffany + the shittiest special effects ever created on a DOS machine = GOLD COVERED GOLD!

And I can't wait in 10 years when Hoku and Vitamin C star in the sequel to this mess.

A little while ago some don't know bitch who shall rename nameless (KATHY!!!) IMed me and asked me why I was so obsessed with magnificent chichis. This ho just doesn't know. I'm gayer than a glitter storm in a disco roller rink, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a beautiful pair of breastes. I mean, it's not like I want to teabag Salma Hayek's chichis or fuck my no-no with one of her nipples. NO! I just want to place a little doily on each of them and then serve her tinted water in miniature teacups. Afterwards, I'll lay my head on one of them and she can brush my hair while her chichis hum La Leche song in my ear. That is all! Gays and titties can be best friends! I swear, some bitches.

Anyways, here's one of the reigning ladies of chichis Salma Hayek at the NYC premiere of Grown-Ups with some of her co-stars and a few bitches who don't belong at the opening of a toilet bowl let alone the opening of a movie. You decide who I'm talking about. In order: Chris Rock, David Spade, Maria Bello, Adam Sandler, Salma, Snooks, JWoww, that King of Queens dude, and an escapee from the nearest mental ward.

A couple of weeks ago, UsWeekly told everyone that the forever pretentious Fishstick Paltrow and the equally pretentious Vadge ended their pretentious friendship and now hate each other with the passion of a million violent bowel movements. The image of Vadge dipping her pen (made from the bones of her victims) in a jar of virgin's blood and crossing Fishy's name off the invitation list for Baby Jesus' bris sponsored by Vita Coco water did lift me up a few times. But sadly, there might not be anymore images like that since it looks like Vadge and Fishy are friendly-ish again.

At a Diane Von Furstenberg event in London last night, Fishy and Vadge looked sort of happy as they posed together for a few pictures. Fishy didn't try to destroy Vadge by reciting a few lines from her latest edition of GOOP in Latin (you know she's fluent), so that means they don't totally want to murder each other.

And I've already used way too many key strokes to barf about Vadge's cheeks, so I will just say that she looked as handsome as a midget piano player in her custom made suit from The Butch Clothing Company. Fishy on the other hand.....BEAT!!! Bitch looks like she just got done with a 250-day fast which involved only licking ice cubes made of purified rain water from the Amazon and never addressing her friends by their nicknames (Nicknames are toxic to Fishy! TOXIC, I tell you!!!!). Although, I think she needs to fast some more because the oily residue from the bullshit in her system is starting to seep out of her pores which is making her look all greasy. Biore that bitch!

Here's more pictures from last night's party including Posh's ridiculous ass and Valentino. Just a warning, you might want to rub SPF: 1,567,998 over your eyeballs before clicking on Valentino's picture, because staring at him will give you melanoma in the retinas.

I must conduct some serious business stuff (or maybe it's hood rat stuff?) for a few hours today, but I am leaving you in the more than capable hands of the fuckery-glazed femalien who was born out of an intergalactic butterfly's vagina. Bai Ling shouldn't be too much trouble. She'll just be on the other side of room kissing herself in a mirror with BOTH lips. If she starts to use tongue or clit just close the dividing curtain, or take your pants off and enjoy. Either or. And if she gets stuck, just take a plunger to the back of her head and pry her off. It happens all the time.

Here's Bai with Helen Mirren and her other Love Ranch co-stars at the Los Angeles premiere last night. Yes, Bai Ling and Helen Mirren in the same movie. It's like the apocalypse is flirting with us.

A Manhattan veterinarian is throwing a lawsuit at the Hello Kitty butterfarty princess for not paying a $38,000 bill. Dr. Cindy Bressler says in the lawsuit that while Mimi was floating around the world promoting Precious, she took care of Mimi's three Jack Russell terriers named Cha-Cha, Dolomite and JJ. This is why Mimi needs to produce a baby unicornling now, because she has proven that she is a master at giving out fucked up names. I mean, Cha-Cha, Dolomite and JJ?! Bitches sound like the members of an all-female electro rap group from the early 80s.

Anyneonanalglands, TMZ says that Dr. Cindy's staff groomed and fed the dogs while Mimi was away. Dr. Cindy also states that only $8k of the $38k bill has been paid for. Dr. Cindy did not mention the time she defleaed the raggedy creature on Mimi's head, so I'm guessing that was on the house.

Mimi's custom-made Lisa Frank tampons cost more than that bill, so I'm not sure why she hasn't paid up yet. But the more important question is, what were those dogs getting that cost $38,000?! Anal gland scrubs with caviar? Intense therapy?! Yeah, the latter is probably it. Seriously, $38,000 is more than what Glitter grossed internationally!

So, it was not that long ago that this female singer got engaged. The night before she said yes, and about a week after the night she said yes, she was still sleeping with this male singer who has had his own marriage issues. (CDAN)

Carrie Underwears and Keith Urban?! But if this was the case, I think Nicole Kidman's ice cold forehead would've cracked a bit while she tried to frown at this mess. Second guess: Kellie Pickler and Kid Rock? Bitch is always giggling around his ass like he's tickling her clitty.

This male A list (unfortunately) producer/singer/performer has several children. He goes to all of his children's events. He doesn't go for their activities though. His favorite game is to find the best looking mothers of other children and then has his kids invite those kids to play dates. Our producer then hits on the moms when they come over. It doesn't matter if they are single or married, he goes after them all. (CDAN)

TOM JONES again! I was going to go with Diddy, but then I read the "singer" part.

Tori Spelling says that everybody hates her from 90210. No doubt. But more people probably hate this other bitch who has virtually alienated all of her former costars and is widely known to be a pain in the aass but for some reason enjoys a popularity and a paycheque usually reserved for much more accomplished actors. So she’s rich now, yes, but that doesn’t mean she’s generous. And she’ll gouge you while she can, so aggressively that she was reprimanded by executives recently for trying to wrangle cash money out of the budget to pay for her hotel suites. Not an expense account, but straight up CASH. Apparently she was so belligerent about getting a free ride, and using her free ride cash money in other shady ways, so relentless with the demands, the people on the receiving end were emotional wrecks by the end of her tantrum. This was abuse. But there’s a history here: she’s already been rejected by her former bosses for insisting that they contribute to the furnishing of her personal residence and for inexplicably requesting that they cover the cost of her mother’s car. Every time they said no, she would call it an injustice, adding to a long list of perceived injustices that she claims affected her performance. People have been trying and trying to excuse her fuckery. There is no excuse. She is not kind, she is not gracious, and she is cheap ass. (Lainey Gossip)

This is not someone form 90210, so direct your eyes away from my beloved Brenda Walsh. This blind item smells like loogies coated in Marlboro ash, so it has to be Katherine HAAAAAAAGEL (question mark inserted her for bookkeeping purposes). That's my final guess!

We may finally have an explanation for this actress’ behavior. She’s been stricken with vampire fever! More specifically, we mean that the girl is crazy for the genre, and even more crazy for two certain vampire actors. Through her rep, she has been begging the producers of Twilight, Vampire Diaries, and True Blood for a role. Any role. As long as she gets to play a vampire. One of the above is actually considering it, but they are not sure if it would result in a backlash from current fans. Besides, they are not thrilled about the idea of shooting around her other projects. Yes, despite her career dip, she is still getting work. I know, I know: Who would be crazy enough to hire her? Apparently, those who love drama. (Blind Gossip)

Maybe there's some kind of vampire-themed snuff film Lindsay Lohan can guest star in?

The last time I watched an episode of ABC Family's "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" (stuff your judgments into the comment box in the break room) I really thought that Disney had re-purposed some of its old animatronic robots and given them roles on that shit show, because the acting is that terrible. Well, here's a short preview clip of Bristol Palin's guest appearance on next week's episode, and she makes all of the actors on that shit look like they just graduated from Juilliard School of Drama!

Even the wooden door behind Bristol is exuding more raw and natural human emotion than her. The director should've made the wooden door and Bristol switch parts.

And what did Yo-Yo Ma ever do to deserve this?!

via HuffPo

The baby swears the bottle isn't his, that he was stroller-jacked and forced to drink and hand out booze in the gang-areas of Palm Springs. - Sluttsville

Runners-up:

Symptoms of Adult Alcohol Syndrome include weight gain and pixelation of the face. - jazzfish_77

It's not really surprising that Miss Aretha Franklin demands that Everything she touches must look like a chi-chi. - Vern

(Thanks Ken)