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Adrien Brody and January Jones were at the same Memorial Day party in Malibu yesterday, and now some are saying that she's sucking on his hung nose on the down low. You know, because if two famous whores go to the same party, that automatically means they are fucking each other over the toilet in the bathroom.

And while I do agree that everybody should be focusing on solving the mystery of Adrien and January's relationship, I think that before we do that we need to put our magnifying glasses over this picture. This is where the real story is:

Why are they both wearing a Jerry Garcia uniform? Why is that boy sitting on the floor in the doorway? Why is that person behind him holding a rolled up paper like my abuelita getting ready to attack? Why did a moth nibble at that lady's brows? Why is she wearing frosted Playboy pink lipstick bought at the Dollar Tree? These are the real questions!

With all the half-nekkid celebwhores running around during Memorial Day Weekend, I was hoping we'd get a little Silver Fox nipple in our lives, or maybe a peek of Carrot Top's root. But I don't think that's going to happen, so we'll have to settle for mercury poison survivor Jeremy Piven and his tear-away titties for now.

You know, there's a good reason for why Jeremy Piven asks his butt waxer to do his whole body. Where do you think that beaver's ass (copyright: Sister Patterson) comes from? It not only looks like nipple pubes and nalgas fur, it IS nipple pubes and nalgas fur.

And yeah, I still would...

Famewhore Rehab was supposed to start shooting today with Tila Tequila and Jason Wahler (don't even wake your Google for that bitch) , but TMZ says that production has been put on pause because Vh1 failed to get a big name in the door.

Apparently, they tried to woo Lindsay Lohan with $1 million and her own show, but even that wreck turned it down. LiLo would rather degrade herself in a straight to pay-per-view porn move than in a reality show. Thankyouverymuch.

Sources say that Tila and Jason were the only ones who signed on, so producers have pushed production back until they can get more fame fuckers and has-beens to agree to spill their shit out to Dr. Drew.

The main problem is that Tila Tequila is in that cast. Who in their right (or even cracked out) mind would move into a house with that shady goblin? AND a house that is free of booze and the bad shit? TORTURE! That's not rehab, that's a room in Hostel. Even the Surgeon General warns bitches that if you're going to be in the presence of Tila Tequila, you better freebase something mind-altering before, during and after.

So Dr. Drew needs to drop Tila off under the bridge he found her, because he should be trying to get junkies to run away from the pipe. Not the other way around.

You know that video of the original Fergie pushing her ex-husband Prince Andrew out on the ho stroll and then negotiating with johns for a piece of his ass? Well, Fergie tells Oprah that she was drunk and splayed out in the gutter at the time she was caught trying to whore out business access to Prince Andrew for $750,000.

Basically, Fergie is saying she was broke, boozed and desperate. Don't ask me how this is different from Fergie's usual state, but we'll let her serve us this shit for now. Just put your napkin on your lap and pretend like you've never seen this dish before.

Fergie, who hasn't seen the tape yet, told Gayle's scissor sister, "I haven't faced the devil in the face, because I was in the gutter at the moment. I'm aware of the fact that I've been drinking, you know, that I was not in my right place."

A source tells UsWeekly that nobody was shocked by the tape, because Fergie is broke and spends all the money she doesn't have on fancy clothes.

Once again the sweet nectar takes the fall! If Fergie wants to play the pimp game, she needs to embrace the part. Just grab your cane, stroke your feather and keep on, keep on. There's no shame in whoring out your loved ones for a shiny coin. Just ask Billy Ray Cyrus, White Oprah, Papa Joe, etc..etc..!

And apparently Queen Elizabeth is looking for a raise, so don't be surprised if you see her on tape trying to sell off her loved ones to the highest bidder. Raise that white gloved pimp hand, Queen!

Chaz Bono claims it was love at first sight, the second he looked into John Goodman's eyes. Soultonic

Runners-up:

The infamous Billy Ray and Miley shot, prior to Photoshopping - Emeriesan

Sandra found photographic evidence that not all vanilla gorillas and their daddies are involved in abusive relationships. - SarahR.

Life can be so funny. For instance, one day you can be innocently tapping your toes in the men's highway rest stop, and the next you are sitting for a "Your Ass Belongs To Me Now" bear on bear photo shoot. - SarahR.

Image by Von Swank via Picture is Unrelated

Ugly Bertie, the "ugliest cat in Great Britain" - 8-year-old Ugly Bertie is looking for a home today after the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals picked his mangy ass up last week. When they found him, his fur was matted down like Kirstie Alley's taint bush, so they had to shave most of his hair off.

Kathy Kay of the RSPCA said they named him "Ugly Bertie" for obvious reasons. The rude bitch said, "Have you ever seen an uglier cat than that? (Ed note: Cut to Ugly Bat Boy throwing shade) We keep looking at him and laughing – but, at the same time, we feel really sorry for him. He’s either been abandoned or got lost. Persians aren’t the sort of cats that can groom themselves. He’ll probably be a very attractive cat when his hair grows back and he gets himself sorted."

Despite looking like Billy Goat Brad's minge, Ugly Bertie is perfectly healthy.

And Kerry Katona is about to sue a bitch, because she worked really hard at being named Great Britain's ugliest pussy. Ugly Bertie better watch it.

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