Chace Crawford might become somebody's purdy purdy prison wife soon! Probably. But not really. TMZ reports that Ed Westwick's lip gloss applier was busted with one singular teensy weensy joint in the parking lot of Ringo's Pub in Plano, Texas a little after 12 this morning. The only thing that's better than getting caught with a little join in the parking lot of Ringo's in Plano is if you're in a Camaro and Skynrd is playing on the AM radio.
A source tells TMZ that Chace was in the car with a friend when cops found the unlit joint. They arrested and charged him with possession of marijuana. Chace paid his bail and now he's freeeee!
When you're giving a beej to a hot piece in the back of a car parked outside of Ringo's and the cops roll up, spit that dick out of your mouth and get rid of that joint! Swallow the joint whole or shove it up your no-no. Doesn't Chace know anything?! But I'll stop yelling at him, because it's obvious that he suffered police brutality.
I mean, look at those 5 o'clock brows. The cops didn't give him a pair of tweezers to clean up his brow situation in the bathroom before taking his mug shot. You can tell Chace is hating life because of it too. There's nothing worse than getting caught with your eyebrow game not in check.
Even though Billy Idol's face looks like Iggy Pop's torso, I still would - Hollywood Rag
RPattz or Brandon Walsh in old timey clothes? - Lainey Gossip
Gavin Rossdale's love child is showing everything but her Bush. Sorry. - Egotastic!
But when is Kristen Stewart going to apologize for violating us in a violent way with her acting skills? - The Superficial
What is in The Empress of Lucite's hand? An angel's circular maxi-pad? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
There's no reason to snarl at us, Cheyenne. You can have Ricky to yourself. - Towleroad
Jessica Biel wearing two old hospital sheets and a Salvation Army bustier - Hollywood Tuna
Everybody is naming their kid LEVI including Sheryl Crow - Celebitchy
Orlando Bloom is dyslexic - Popsugar
Chuck Buss doesn't want a girlfriend, but it does look like he wants a poke to the culo - Just Jared
I'll have one of each - Cityrag
And I thought this was a vintage picture of Michael Jackson - I'm Not Obsessed
In the battle of the magnificent chichis, Christina Hendricks will triumph every time - ICYDK
Girls Just Wanna Have Shit Loads Of Botox - Holy Moly!
Gary Coleman was supposed to be tucked into his coffin and gently laid to rest this weekend, so that he could finally get some peace without annoying bitches always tugging at his collar. But that is not going to happen. Gary's funeral in Utah has been canceled, because his estranged parents and his ex-wife Shannon Price are fighting over the custody of his body. Where is Mr. Drummond when you need him?
Gary's parents, Sue and William Coleman, are planning to file some kind of motion in court asking the powers that be to grant them their son's remains so that they can bury him in Zion, Ill, the city they live in. Their lawyer says that since Gary was divorced from Gummy McTeefs at the time of his death, they are the ones who should make the decisions regarding his final resting place. Their lawyer issued this statement:
"The Colemans don't want to fight with anyone. They just want to bring their son home. Mr. and Mrs. Coleman are Gary Coleman's surviving family. They're hoping that by applying for Formal Probate, they can get through this process the right way. The status of the divorce, whether or not anyone has a will, these are all issues that should be brought to the family's attention immediately. Formal Probate is the way we make sure it all gets handled properly."
But Shannon Price refuses to hand him over. Gary's agent said, "It's clear that Shannon is the one that Gary wants to represent him, as she did in the hospital. He didn't mention, at any time, his parents."
Before his death, Gary's parents didn't talk to his ass for years. And Shannon seems like she could give a dick. But suddenly, they are now fighting over him? Fuckery. If Gary was here, he'd throw an early model printer at a bitch or bite them in the knees.
Why bother wasting your hard-earned coins by dropping them into a toll booth when you can just say a prayer, step on the gas and General Lee over that bitch like 22-year-old Yasmine Villasana did at the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport last Tuesday. You know that while she was soaring in the air, she took a swig from a flask, lit a cigarette and winked at the camera while Smokey and the Bandit "YEEEE-HAWED" from the sidelines.
MyFoxDFW says that Yasmine's Impala flew over one car before crashing into the ground and catching on fire. Witnesses say that Yasmine tried to get back into the car while it was burning up. That crazy bitch probably wanted to do it again. Bitch's got an itch for the thrill now.
Surprisingly, Yasmine only broke her wrist during the crash and nobody else was hurt. Yasmine told police she only drank one cranberry and vodka the night before. Yasmine also continued to roll out the hilarious lies when she claimed that someone rear-ended her. I believe her. The spirit of KITT tossed her over that toll.
Yasmine was charged with DUI. But did she pay the toll? Exactly.
A few days ago the creatures of the forest were left shaking in fear after hearing that a new Kardashian Sasquatch might be galloping through their parts soon to eat their young and hump their trees. But they can stop leaving extra Bigfoot traps out for now, because Khloe Kardashian claims she's pregnant with a gurgling lump of lard. Not a baby.
When Entertainment Tonight asked Khloe if the Kardashian family is adding another employee to their pay roll, she bluntly said, "No, I'm just fat." Khloe's mom Kris added, "If Khloe is pregnant, I would be the first to yell it. So, no, she's not -- unless they're holding out on me, in which case they're both grounded."
And since every Kardashian needs to wrap their mouth around a mic when near one, Rob also farted out his two pieces of caca regarding his sister being knocked up, "She's not pregnant. I live with those two, and I would know if she was pregnant."
Khloe is funny. Khloe's pimp QuickTrim should really add her "I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat" quote to every one of their boxes.
And that noise you just heard was every one of QuickTrim's competitors popping their load simultaneously.
You know how when an A-list superstar signs up to a movie and other A-list superstars also sign up because they like to stick together (just throw me a "yes" and keep walking with me)? Well, that's what is happening to Celebrity Rehab right now.
Yesterday, it was reported that The Empress of Lucite is floating into Celebrity Rehab, and today my favorite Pointer Sister, Bonnie Pointer, lifted her hand up from the dumpster and yelled, "ME TOO!"
TMZ says that Bonnie, who has a history of snorting anything that comes in a vial or Ziploc bag, is joining the cast! The ratings are about to soar higher than Bonnie's state of mind the day after her royalty check comes in!
I mean, Shauna and Bonnie under the same roof? Heaven is really apologizing to us for taking Rue McClanahan too soon. Shauna and Bonnie are totally going to bond over their intense love of lip liner, which will lead to them starting a disco duo! Every strip club that accepts food stamps as tips better clear their schedule, because a new headliner is about to come through!
And if you've never shook hands with Bonnie's brand of crack crack craziness, then watch this video of her at work from a few of months ago. It will turn you into a believer:
LeAnn Rimes has an album coming out in a couple of weeks, so she's starting the engine on the "I'm Sorry I Did Ho Shit, Now Buy My Album" wagon by apologizing for fucking a married man while she was married. This comes after LeAnn tried to gag her boyfriend's wife with a cease and desist.
LeAnn got on her hands and knees and cried to People (via SFGate) about how she's sorry for thinking with her clit by cheating on her husband. Even though LeAnn hurt people, she doesn't regret the outcum (on purpose typo). LeAnn said, "I did one of the most selfish things that I possibly could do, in hurting someone else. I take responsibility for everything I've done. I hate that people got hurt. But I don't regret the outcome. I was out of balance. My marriage was out of balance. There was something missing."
The most erotic thing LeAnn did with her ex-gay husband was give each other pedicures while watching Sex and the City reruns, so of course bitch doesn't regret that she's spinning around on Eddie Cibiran's peen. A life without pussy seizures is a sad one, so I can't hate her for that. But I can throw hate at her for denying her bull dozer vagina.
LeAnn went on to say, "The hardest thing to hear is someone call either of us a home wrecker because we didn't walk into a perfectly happy marriage and ruin it."
If LeAnn and Eddie don't like being called "home wreckers," how about we call them cheating whores instead? Is that better? Oh wait, those beady-eyed bitches probably can't read that so let me inject some roids into that font:
HOW ABOUT WE CALL YOU CHEATING WHORES INSTEAD? IS THAT BETTER?
"And what's so wrong with being called a home wrecker anyway?" - Sienna Miller and me
When I first read the headline "Miley Cyrus Does Girl-On-Girl Dancer Kiss On Britain's Got Talent," I pictured PedoBear putting up a DO NOT DISTURB sign on his cave door so that he could stick his bits into a jar of honey while watching this in peace. Three minutes later, Billy Ray Cyrus strolls up, gives the secret knock and PedoBear lets him in.
But that image was Magic Erased from my head after I watched the actual video of Miley pretending to mouth fuck one of her dancers. What the hell kind of goddamn fake lesbo kiss is that?! Mickey Mouse is so disappointed. One of his hos let him down.
It's at the 1:05 mark. Warning: Turn the sound off or suffocate your speakers with a fat pillow before pressing play:
That looked more like a cross-eyed lame crow with mange picking the maggots off a dead rotting pigeon near the interstate. Besides, fauxmosexual onstage kisses don't get stamped with the HOW SHOCKING label anymore. If Miley truly wanted to surprise hos, she should try emoting a sound that doesn't make people wish they didn't have ears. And a paraplegic pony could stomp around better than that.