Attention whore Miley Cyrus got attention for fake kissing another chick on Britain's Got Talent the other night, and now she's pretending to be mad about it. Yes, this is one of those "DON'T LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! DON'T LOOK AT ME!" moments. Miley spat up on her blog (via ONTD) last night and said that everyone needs to focus on more important things like world peace. Like such as.
Miley is a 17-year-old window licker whose mom was most likely high on glue and swamp water during pregnancy, but she is absolutely right! The world needs more peace, which is why she should lead the way by getting her jaw permanently wired shut and retiring to the dam from which she came from.
And while we're waiting for that to happen, here's Miley in London yesterday giving the lot lizards of the south a preview of what they will be wearing this fall.
Somebody forgot to blow the blow off their nose before stepping outside. Catherine Zeta-Jonesingforthebadshit left her apartment in NYC this morning to perform in A Little Night Music on Broadway and her nose brought along Lindsay Lohan's favorite friend.
NO! CZJ doesn't touch that stuff! CZJ gets high off of drinking champagne in a bubble bath while wearing all her diamonds. It's obviously just make-up or sunblock. Or maybe Michael Douglas accidentally farted dust into her face while she was gently licking his crack. That sounds about right.
And apparently, they're not only broke, but they are also in debt in a major way. The New York Post claims that the bill collectors are scratching at the front door of The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa Giudicie and her husband Joe, because they owe nearly $11 million. Okay, the bill collectors probably aren't showing up to their house since they don't want to end up spending an unspecific amount of time in Juicy Delicious' "wine room."
On the show, Teresa goes around acting like she's got $100 bills
from the wallets of Joe's former associates sprouting up from the soil in her backyard. Teresa always uses cash to buy shit like gaudy furniture and Noah Cyrus-like ensembles for her girls. But the Post says it's all a facade and the Giudices are in deep. The bank is about to foreclose on their $1.8 million marble and onyx palace, and their Jersey Shore house has already been taken. And according to bankruptcy papers, Joe claims he only makes $79,000 a year from his construction job. Yeah, I doubt he's claiming those suitcases of unmarked bills and Rolex watches (still attached to their owner's arms) hidden in his attic.
The Post has broken down everything the Giudices owe and make:
What the Giudices make a year:
$79,000 (plus $120,000 in “assistance” from family members)
What they owe: $10,853,648.04
including $20,000 to Bloomingdale’s, Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom
$1,280 monthly payment for Cadillac Escalade
for eight mortgages on three homes (two have been handed back to lenders)
$5.8M Joe's business investments
$85,600 Home repairs
$12,000 Fertility treatments
The Post didn't mention that Teresa's hairline is also foreclosing on her forehead.
If this mess is true, then it looks like Ape Head is going to have to "prostitution whore-ah" herself to keep her fingers covered in the finest costume jooree QVC has to offer. Actually, Teresa might not have to do that. I hear that FOX might reboot Planet of the Apes. You know where I'm going with this. FOX can call off the search and drops their nets, because Teresa was born to play Cornelius. Don't deny her hairline!
The Dog Whisperer Cesar Milan is now Cesar M'alone (GONG!), because it turns out his marriage of 16 years was just an illusion (DOUBLE GONG!!). Cesar announced on his website last night that he and his wife Illusion Milan have decided to let go of each other's leashes. My mother already thinks Cesar is gayer than a Pom Pom in a sailor costume, so I'm already preparing my ears for a "SEEE!" Anyfudgepackleader, this is what Cesar wrote on his site:
We are sad to announce that after 16 years of marriage we have decided to file for divorce. The decision was made after much consideration and time. We remain caring friends, and are fully committed to the co-parenting of our two boys.
Maybe Illusion no longer rolled into a calm submissive state after Cesar went "TSST TSST" and poked her in the side? Or maybe Illusion got sick of Cesar putting her on the dog treadmill every time she wanted to do fucky times? Who knows, but these are not the questions you should ask your priest, therapist or dealer this week. You should ask them who in anal gland hell would name their child ILLUSION?! Did Illusion's parents have dreams of her becoming a headlining stripper in Florida or a children's party magician? I can't.
If they ever made a basic cable midnight movie about my abuelita's life story called Cállate La Boca (working title: Chankla To The Mouth), the legendary Lupe Ontiveros would be the frontrunner to play the lead role (that's if this hot bitch turned it down first). Lupe is a master at throwing a cold-blooded death eye that could mute the bitchiness out of any child and turn a piece of flan into liquid in zero seconds flat. Lupe knows.
Lupe is the Latin Margo Martindale, because she's been in every single TV show and movie ever made. And that's an understatement. Lupe says she's played a maid at least 150 times. Lupe has held a bottle of Windex and a dirty rag in her hand in everything from The Goonies to Charlie's Angels to As Good As It Gets. But Lupe took that shit to a whole new level in Storytelling where she played Consuelo, the NOT THE ONE housekeeper who gassed an entire family after they wrongly fired her ass. Why was I the only one in the theater cheering that bitch on?
But when the Academy finally bestows Lupe with a Lifetime Achievement Oscar, they shouldn't include all the clips of her playing a maid. Lupe should be honored for Chuck & Buck, Selena (where she played the MURDERER!!!!!more exclamation points here!!!!!) and for playing a anti-chunk terrorist in Real Women Have Curves. Not to mention that Lupe earned a special place in my no-heart for throwing the cuntery at that dumb bitch Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives. Viva Lupe!
Marky Mark (39)
Pete Wentz (31)
Chad Allen (36)
Wayne Brady (38)
Brian McKnight (41)
Ron Livingston (43)
Kenny G (54)
Jill Biden (59)
Suze Orman (59)
Laurie Anderson (63)
Colm Wilkinson (66)
It was ages ago when this actor was considered a heart throb, and now the actor is struggling to cling to a career that’s just as doomed as his thinning hair line. The actor not only has terrible plugs (we suspect, this is unconfirmed) but is hoping to get implants in his derriere in order to do a nude scene that he’s hoping will put him back in sex symbol status. We don’t mind his acting, but we think we should keep the clothes on and face facts. Not Nicolas Cage. (BuzzFoto)
BURT REYNOLDS!!!! No, Burt will always have the power to summon the panty pudding with or without silicone cutlets in his nalgas. I'll go with Sylvester Stallone, and I bet his ass will look like this afterwards. He wishes, right?
This B-/C+ list actor is the co-star on a network show with lots of firepower, but has been struggling ratings wise. Despite the rumors that our actor is having a fling with his A list actress co-star, the ratings continue to slump. Anyway, not too long ago our actor was in a bar with a friend. Two women came up to our actor to tell him they were fans. The actor turned to them and said, "Don't even talk to me unless you are going to show me your tits." As he said this he started fondling one of the women between her legs. The actor's friend then apologized and said the actor was drunk and didn't mean it. Our actor then said he meant every word and that the two women should go back to his place with him for a threesome or leave him alone. (CDAN)
Brian Van Holt of Cougar Town? I present to the court: EXHIBIT EVERYTHING.
This B list female R&B singer with some decent hits was so wasted at party last night that she pulled a Verne Troyer. She couldn't find the rest room so went to a corner, lifted her dress and took care of her business right there. (CDAN)
Somebody get Fantasia a Go Girl and an empty water bottle for her birfday!
Although we don’t usually see this actress out shopping on her own, it was interesting to hear about one of her recent shopping trips. One thing that we do know for sure is that she doesn’t like to speak to sales clerks at all. If there is a question to be asked, our actress whispers into her assistants’ ear, who then relays the message to the clerk. With her financial status, perhaps she should slow down on the spending sprees. After all, no one is giving her tons of free stuff anymore. (Blind Gossip)
Suri Cruise of course? And yes she's an actress! It says so on her business card.
If you have to bite down on a stress ball every time you see the last drop of booze leave its bottle, then you better stay away from this video. For drunks, this is like watching Bambi's mommy get shot by hunters! SFist posted this video of a "crazy Russian lady" brutally destroying bottle after bottle of heaven's sweet tears at a Delano's in San Francisco. Lindsay Lohan needs to drop that Russian accent and eat another Valium. Just because she can't drink doesn't mean all of us can't!
The booze-hating crazy was eventually arrested for brutally assaulting life's greatest gift. The worst part of this shit is that everyone just stood by and dig NOTHING! Get a fucking straw and suck that shit up!
While Phil Spector is serving 19 years in prison for murdering Lana Clarkson, his equally creepy wife Rachelle Spector is mass murdering ear drums and retinas with the video for her new song "Here In My Heart." It's the first single off her album called "Out Of My Chelle." Rachelle is serious with that title. Just like that bitch is serious about using every single eyeshadow shade in her Coastal Scents makeup palette. Bitch looks like Phil Spector 10 years ago in budget drag as Taylor Dane. Hopefully, "here in her heart" is a shit load of make-up remover, because that is not the look.
And that song! It should be sung by a Mickey Mouse Club member circa 1990 or a cartoon character, not a grown ass woman! Apparently, Phil produced this mess from prison, which makes sense because it's fucking torture.
I give it 9 out 9 Creepy Phils: