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When I was 9 years-old I was running around the backyard of my house (yes, I would literally run around in a circle all day long) in my bumble bee Halloween costume, red high-top Converse and an acid wash jacket. And if my mother would've let, I probably would've worn that treasure trove of fuckery out in public. So little Willow Smith looking like Janelle Monae from the neck up and Scary Spice from the neck down isn't getting a side-eye from me yet.

At least she's not wearing a rhinestone g-string with pink pasties and high-heeled Jellies (that one's for you, Noah Cyrus), right? However, I refuse to comment on Jaden's Thriller jacket. It will always be too soon.

Here's more of Willow, Jaden, Will Smith, his butch beard Jada, Jackie Chan and Ralph Macchio at the premiere of The Karate Kid remake in L.A. last night.

So here's Lady Caca's video for the illegitimate song Ace of Base gave birth to and then stashed on Vadge's La Isla Bonita. It features a chorus of dancing Twinkie Moes, and it's almost 9 fucking minutes looooong! Think of all the things you can do with 9 minutes. You can eat a Zinger really slowly. You can paint all your nails with Wite-Out (while sniffing it). You can make tweezers out of a paper clip and clean up your brows.

But if you must spend 9-minutes of your precious day watching this, then here it is. And if you don't, but want to know the gist of it, then just picture me on the cement floor of my mother's garage staging a dance-off between my Evil Lyn action figure and my Jeff Andonuts toy while the Like A Prayer video plays on an old black and white TV in the corner.

The smoking toddler now has a homey to hang out with on their tricycles in front of the strip club. At a Phillies game the other day, the camera caught a little blonde boy taking a sip of beer from a bottle. You know his parents were pissed. Now who's going to blow into the breathalyzer to start the car?! That selfish drunk brat. No more Happy Hour for him for the rest of the week!

But seriously, that boy should wait a couple more years before getting into the sweet nectar. Maybe he should try walking 12 steps before he has to enter a 12 step program.

And Radar says that Child Protective Services is looking for this boy's parents. QUICK! Boy better gargle with toothpaste water before CPS knocks on his door.

Click here if you can't see the video above

Chris Brown was supposed to begin his Ike Turner 2.0 Tour tomorrow in Glasgow, but that whole shit has been canceled after the UK pulled up her pants, closed her legs and told him to go fuck with another bitch because they don't want anything to do with him. Basically, Britain's Home Office denied him a visa, because he was convicted of beating RiRi. You can read their statement below while giving them a standing ovation:

"We reserve the right to refuse entry to the U.K. to anyone guilty of a serious criminal offence. Public safety is one of our primary concerns. Each application to enter the U.K. is considered on its individual merits."

Not only has Chris' UK dates been canceled, but the entire European leg of his tour has also been shut down. Chris Tweeted this yesterday:

“SORRY to all the fans in europe!!! my tour is cancelled, Im pretty sure yall know. my entry was denied in your country. i love you.SORRY!!”

During geography lessons in elementary school, I usually spent the hour sniffing Scratch 'N Sniff stickers or drawing dresses on the Pee-Chee folder runners and even I know that Europe is NOT a country. That stupid fuck! Everybody knows that it's a delicious cafe franchise in Midtown. Durr.

via E! News

A company called Moodform Mission is suing Naomi Campbell for breaking a 12-year-old perfume contract with them, because she's a crazed entitled bitch. In the affidavit, which was snatched by Page Six, Naomi's former agent and Moodform's co-director said that she was a living nightmare who was always late and even tried to attack a bitch with a perfume bottle. If the affidavit also states that Naomi glared at staff members in disgust as though they were a corroded piece of raisin stuck in a fat hog's ass, then all of that would sound about right. That's our Naomi! That's our cunt!

Naomi is throwing a bedazzled Blackberry back at Moodform's face by counter-suing them. Naomi claims that she never knew her former agent was affiliated with Moodform. Naomi also says that Moodform stole a piece of her profits. Naomi's lawyer is asking the court to throw that shit out and he pleaded his case in this hilarious statement: "The human element that brings the parties before the court is clear: greed, ingratitude and a grotesque sense of entitlement on the part of Campbell that, in her mind, justifies her doing anything she wants to do, including stealing her business partners' money and then lying about what happened."

All he had to say was: "Dear judge, if you don't throw this out, Naomi is going to throw me off a bridge. Here's a picture of my kids. Love, Naomi's lawyer".

The best part of the affidavit is that the Moodform people claim that Naomi backed out of an event, because she didn't want to walk up two flights of stairs and the venue's elevator was broken. HA.

You know, if I was Naomi Campbell I wouldn't want to walk up stairs, cross the street or take a bath in a room with electrical sockets. Bitch has more enemies than Gerard Butler has warts on his dick. It's a serious matter! One of her many arch rivals is always waiting for the perfect opportunity to push or trip her! Naomi should've made one of her minions carry her up the stairs.

Then again, if I was one of her minions I'd purposely break both my arms on the spot so I would have a valid excuse to NOT carry her ass. Carrying Naomi is the equivalent of carrying a shark on a skinny wooden plank over a pool of baby seals. Nothankyouverymuch!

This might be just the thing that makes Teresa Giudice's greedy hairline finally jump back a few inches! Word around the rest stops off the turnpike is that The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub has got a sex tape careening towards your eyeballs and is ready to take your retinas out! Mark June 15th as the day the internet will ooze puss and cry to be put out of its misery, because that's when Hustler will release Prostitution Whore's public sex tape debut.

The 75-minute tape was only shot last September and Danielle's co-star is a mystery man. Danielle had no comment, but I'm sure she'll have a few at the ladies luncheon she'll throw to celebrate this work of fart. If you live in NJ and hear a scratching at your basement window, it's just Danielle's daughters begging to be let in. Just give them a few vanilla wafers and tell them to never EVER open their eyes around a computer or TV again.

If you love your computer too much to download the virus that is this fuck tape, but you are still curious to see Danielle wrap her sundried lizard body all around a peen, I have a solution for you. Just take a piece of fried bologna and let one of the mangier alley rats nibble at it a bit (cunnilingus). Then look for a dried, splintery chicken bone in the gutter. Take that fried bologna, squirt some curdled mayo on it and then rub it on that chicken bone until you feel the back of you throat start to moisten with stomach chutney. There you go! Now you will know what it feels like to watch Danielle's snatch flip a dick, and you won't have to take your computer down with you!

Look Gerber, it's your own fault for putting Khloe Kardashian's baby bottle into production BEFORE confirming she was pregnant. - TFBuckFutter

Runners-up:

1st Space Shuttle to Uranus. - El Bastardo

K-Fed's last two sperm are held in-vitro, just in case the world ends and then needs to be repopulated. - Bowchickawawa

via Break

The Japan Pom Pom squad, a group of cheerleading Japanese memaws whose average age is 66!

Most grannies only raise their hands to slap you in the back of the head when you sass their asses, but the Japan Pom Pom squad raises their hands to punch their pom poms into the air! Most grannies only kick to put their giant wooden analog TV back in check after it flickers during their daytime stories, but the Japan Pom Pom squad kicks their legs in the air to entertain the crowd of bitches throwing them chew candies! And they do it all while wearing a "Pepaw Justin Bieber" wig!

I would say that I want to be like their hot asses when I'm 66, but I'd rather be lounging on a Craftmatic and yelling at some young bitch to make me another vodka with a SPLASH of Roy Rogers. Thankyouverymuch.

Here's Japan Pom Pom in action. Even watching them makes me tired.

via OMG Blog

Nancy Sinatra (70)
Maria Menounos (32)
Kanye West (33)
Shilpa Shetty (35)
Mark Feurstein (39)
Julianna Marguiles (44)
Nick Rhodes (48)
Kristine W (48)
Mick Hucknall (50)
Keenan Ivory Wayans (52)
Griffin Dunn (55)
Bonnie Tyler (59)
Sonia Braga (60)
Kathy Baker (60)
Joan Rivers (77)
Jerry Stiller (83)
Barbara Bush (85)

Chip and Grin – an actress and actor couple – have been arguing a lot in the past week or so. She is only obligated to make public appearances with him approximately once per month for a “date night” plus once per month for a “family photo”, and is annoyed that he is asking more of her. Since she has agreed to attend a movie premiere with him this month, she is totally balking at attending an awards show together in the very near future (she is also determined not to be present at events where he is going to play the fool). By the way, if she looks healthier and happier lately, it’s because she is. She is not afraid of him anymore, she can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and she is determined to come out of this divorce on top. (Blind Gossip)

This blind item smells like barley butt lube, so my guess is that it's Stepford Katie and Tommy Girl. But Katie was at the MTV Movie Awards last night where Tommy summoned on the power of L. Ron Hubbard to fill his body with a new kind of foolery, so she's obviously not that determined.

Over the weekend this celebrity mother was basically pimping out her D list reality daughter. She would walk up to actors at the event she was at and let it be known that her daughter was available to be a companion for the day or night or even on a long term basis. She was even carrying head shots of her daughter. The rate? $5000 for one day and $50,000 a month. (CDAN)

This is obviously Kathy Griffin and her mom Maggie! Boxed wine doesn't buy itself!