Alcohol stocks in the UK have plummeted, because that Amy Wino has returned to her favorite place in the world (after Bargain Booze) THE CLINIC to fill her system with liquid that doesn't come from a twist cap and is best served in a yard long.
The Sun is saying that Wino checked into rehab for the (count as high as you can and enter the number here followed by "th") time over the weekend after her new boyfriend Reg Traviss told her that she needed to dry out.
Some source tells The Sun, "When she's not on the bottle they get on brilliantly. But Reg has told her to quit the booze, otherwise he'll be off, and she hit it hard last week. She wants to keep him so has decided to make a huge effort to stay sober."
Usually when a bitch snatches the booze bottle from Wino, she grabs it back and downs the contents in a quick minute before smashing it over their head. But Wino didn't do that with Reg, so she must be entering one of the final stages of dickmatization. Wino is choosing dick over the sweet nectar. Dick so good that it will make you quit the booze is a serious thing.
The Jersey Shore's The Situation is shitting out a club song on iTunes next week, and above is a preview which will make you want to shove a morning after pill into your ear hole. The good news is that the Don Knotts of Guidos doesn't sing during this auto-tuned disaster, but the bad news is that he tries to rap. The Duck Phone probably raps better than this asshole.
The sad truth is that I can totally picture one of my cousins pussy popping to this fuckery on top of a box in the middle of a club in Riverside, CA somewhere. Every time the emergency siren blares in the song, she'll drop it low and kiss her Reeboks. Yes, she wears Reeboks to the clubs, because she says she can't bust it out for real in heels. Yes, I'm in the process of divorcing her.
And I'm still waiting for Snooki's techno house version of the Oompa Loompa song.
A two-faced pussy (no relation to Paris Hilton) sounds like something that might crawl into your nightmares, but this one is actually kind of adorable. Although, Two Face is small enough that it can get into your room undetected and climb up onto your bed to steal air from your mouth and nostrils at the same time. That's if Richard Gere doesn't get to Two Face first. Two faces = two tongues = Richard Gere, don't even fucking think about it!
And here's another cat video of a cute kitten in a top hat is just trying to be cute on camera when a bitchy ass bitchy pussy tries to slap the cuteness out of it. You can relate. Sometimes you just want to slap a kitten in a tiny hat.
Speedo (that name explains why she's such a cunt) is just jealous that she can't wear a tiny hat, because her head is too fat! Or maybe Speedo pimp slapped her kitten for failing to entertain while wearing a tiny hat. If that's the case, Speedo is totally the Joe Jackson of cats.
Next to Stepford Katie, DanRad looks tinier than Tommy Girl's erect nipple. You just want to pick him up, throw him in your front pocket, take him home and then use a bent staple to pluck his brows - Just Jared
The most shocking thing about these Kim Kardassian bikini pictures is that she's not wearing a dozen MAC stores on her face - Egotastic!
Dominic Cooper cleansed himself of Lilo stank at the Hazmat Center, so Amanda Seyfried has welcomed him back for now - Lainey Gossip
Daddy Spears is going to slap the bodyguard who let Brit Brit go out like this - Hollywood Tuna
Stick a tongue depressor in your mouth before watching Glamberace's new video, because this shit induces seizures - Towleroad
Maria Menounos in a bikini (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Wake me when Willow Smith stars in a remake of WOO - Celebitchy
What in the hell is MiserAlba wearing? - Popoholic
Lifting bronzer sticks and lip gloss is really doing good things for Zac Efron's body - Popsugar
And then in the first time in decades the Amish family got into a motorized vehicle to escape that bitch - I'm Not Obsessed
Kid Cudi is fucked - ICYDK
Pussy overload - Cityrag
Kelly Osbourne: "My God loves gays!" - Holy Moly!
But is JLove's vagazzled vag smiling? - Hollywood Rag
I don't know whether it's the make-up, the tarantula leg lashes, the dates with Botox, the face pulls or all of the above, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is starting to look like Auntie Ying-Ying from The Joy Luck Club. Seriously, I want to play a game of Mahjong with her, and then get her to yell at my husband for making me pay for half of the ice cream even though I don't touch the stuff because I'm lactose intolerant.
You know, I don't even know why the perpetually 40-year-old CZJ fucks with her face the way she does. Bitch is married to a zombie pepaw, so even when her face starts to wrinkle up like a Shar-Pei's b-hole, she'll still look young next to his old ass. But I guess since she's injecting Botox into her birth certificate, she might as well prick her face with it too.
Here's CZJ bringing out the raw emotion during "Send in the Clowns" at the Tony Awards last night. She looks like a scared cat hiding under the bed during a thunder storm.
CZJ won Best Actress in a Musical for that mess. Here's a few pictures of the other winners from last night including ScarJo for Best Supporting Actress in a Play (I can't either), Denzel Washington for Best Actor in a Play, Viola Davis for Best Actress in a Play, and Douglas Hodge for Best Actor in a Musical.
Was last night's season premiere of True Blood produced by my wet dreams, because there were more man nalgas than you can shake a clit at. Who cares if that barely made sense, there's dude ass on this page! To quote that hot bitch Pam, "Are you picking up what I'm throwing down?" Actually, don't pick it up. Leave it all on the ground so we can stare at this shit all day. Feed their chonies to the wolves so Vampire Eric and Jason Stackhouse can stay assed out.
Somebody needs to glamor ASkars' nalgas into staying bare for the rest of the season. Yes, I'm that hard up. Yes, I'll look into getting some. And while I'm doing that, here's some more pictures of Eric and Jason with their cheeks out and also stills from Beeeehl and Sam's homoerotic dream sequence. The only disappointing part of last night's episode is that even with all the man ass hanging out, Lafayette still hasn't gotten any. Bitch needs a piece more than I do.
Maddox got sick of spending his Friday afternoons picking the ticks out of Billy Goat Brad's face minge and flea dipping him per his mother's instructions, so he snuck into the barn over the weekend and cut the goat right off of his daddy! When Maddox made the first cut, Brad let out his last baaaaaaaaaaah.
Popeater has the blurry pictures of Brad driving around L.A. with a freshly trimmed beard on his face. So instead of looking like the crazy homeless man who lives under the pier and keeps the government from stealing his thoughts by braiding his beard (hey, I didn't say he was logical), he now looks like the crazy homeless man who lives under the pier and took a butter knife to his beard to keep the government from stealing his thoughts.
The truth is, even though the sight of Brad's dirty chin merkin made me want to roll around in Gold Bond powder, I'm going to miss his raggedy beard of dingles. I'll chew on my jacket in its honor today. And I hope Maddox gets a pretty penny for that shit when he sells it on eBay.
My head is stuck in a window in Romania today (blame it on getting crunk on ASKars' bare ass) and these pictures of Kim Kardassian and Justin Bieber posing in some photo shoot in the Bahamas are not helping. The last time Kim babysat The Lesbeaver, his little fans threatened to run that bitch over with their baby walkers and drown her in a mountain of their caca-filled diapers. So babies all over the world will be wailing over this shit.
You know, Kim and The Lesbeaver as best friends forever kind of makes sense. Kim has the voice of a slutty baby with asthma and Bieber is a baby. So that's one. And when Kim is reading Bieber a bedtime story and he accidentally goes pee pee times all over lap, she doesn't yell at him and call him sucio like his other babysitters. Kim just shrugs and keeps on.
Since one of my modern-day slut icons, Sienna Miller, has temporarily retired her championship vagina, someone has to take her place. And that someone might be Kate Hudson who has wrapped her snatch 'o war around another peen.
There were rumors a couple of weeks ago that Kate was dating Matthew Bellamy of Muse, but the two sort of confirmed that mess this weekend by strolling around Paris together. Muse played two shows in Paris, and of course Kate flew over there to get her some. A witness-type tells People, "They seemed very much a couple. Just walking together, enjoying the sunshine."
Most recently, Kate fucked on A-Rod, Owen Wilson, one of the extras in her movie, the dude who fixed your air conditioning last weekend, two roadies from Warrant, the hobo who always opens the door for me at chase and then curses me out when I don't give him a dollar, etc...etc... Matthew broke up with his live-in girlfriend late last year.
So what if Kate didn't tell Matt she was coming and hid under the room service table to get into his room to surprise him. Bitch will go to great lengths to get dicked, and there's nothing wrong with that. Being a totally desperate ho is okay as long as orgasms are involved.
And those of you who are saying, "But what about poor Ryder?" What about poor Ryder. I'm sure that every time Kate introduces another "uncle" to Ryder, he immediately hands over an orientation package which includes a list of all the places he's registered at so that her new piece can get a head start on trying to buy his love. Ryder is getting his!
The only way to follow-up a post about Jimmy Dean is to give you pictures of Aretha Franklin and her 8th and 9th wonder of the world chichis, so here we are! Jimmy was probably a very important part of Aretha's life so you know she bawled her kitchen ass wig off when she heard about his death. Then as she cried, she pulled a few Jimmy Dean sausage links out of her titty crevice, rolled 'em in her tears (which are maple syrup-flavored) and nibbled as she continued to weep. You and me both, ReRe!
Here's Queen Aretha at the Tony Awards last night looking like Rowlf in glamour drag (that's a compliment).